Today is seven years since I was diagnosed with
Acute myeloid leukemia
It feels like much longer

It was a lifetime ago
In New Milford Hospital
When the emergency room doctor looked at me said
You’re going to start to hear the word “cancer”
And I think I laughed at him
And I think I said out loud
“You have the wrong patient
I’m a non-smoking organic eating vegetarian who exercises and meditates
*I* don’t have cancer”

I did have cancer
A blood cancer that more commonly affects men in their sixties
And has a survival rate beyond 5 years of about 25%
I was 29. I was supposed to be working at camp
Vocal directing RENT
No day but today…
Healthy organic me was like
“I don’t want chemo, that’s toxic”
And the oncologist looked me in the eye and said
“You’ll be dead in a month”

So I did the chemo
And the radiation
And they wiped my immune system
And injected my sister’s stem cells into my port
And I spent a year fetal on the couch
And I wasn’t allowed take-out
And I wasn’t allowed to ride the subway
And I wasn’t allowed to go to the theatre
And my fingernails fell off one by one
And I lost all my hair (though I actually quite liked that part)
And my teeth went to shit
And I went into menopause
And I felt fury and rage and despair
And I felt love from all around the world

And somehow, somewhere
Life stopped being appointments
And blood work and blood counts
And wondering when I was going to feel “normal” again
It became about living in New York (and then New Jersey)
I ran a bit
5 marathons and 3 half-marathons (but who's counting?!) 
We visited Maine, California, and North Carolina
Honeymooned in Guana
I worked on Broadway
Wrote and performed a cabaret
Joined a chorus
(happiness is singing in the choir)
Performed at Carnegie Hall, Alice Tully Hall, and Battery Park
Played a citizen in Alita
I even played a fake patient and
Built the Filmed Live Musicals database

Covid was triggering
I felt like I’d already done it
The isolation, careful hand washing, fear of infection
The random unexplainable symptoms
Reading accounts of covid was like reading through my recovery
Exhausting

Seven years on I still deal with side effects
Every headache that lasts a little too long
Every bout of fatigue
Every time something is a little off
The fear that... 
But I’m ok

I get to be with Aaron
We bought a house
We got a puppy -
Voltaire
Even when he’s literally chewing the walls or waking up at 5am and refusing to settle even when he’s fed and watered and pooped in all the senses of the word
He’s truly the best of all possible puppies
And Aaron is the best of all possible humans 
Kind and patient and loving 

I’m singing
I’m dancing
I'm writing
I’m learning to play piano
I'm learning to drive! On the right side of the road! 
I'm exercising 
I'm teaching 
​I'm remembering to breathe
I’m here.