It has been so restorative to be back in the UK
It has awakened parts of me I thought were long gone
My writing voice is back and
I want to write again
After years of feeling like that part of me had vanished
I feel a lightness of spirit
Like things are possible
(Despite the state of the world)
I want to read all the books!
And watch all the movies (specifically musical ones)!
I want to learn all the things!
I want to sing and dance and trip the light fantastic!
And after nearly a decade of exhausting trauma
Courtesy of The Big C followed by the other big C
Well, I didn’t know that lightness was entirely possible
And I am thankful thankful thankful to be here

Tonight I can hear the sea outside my window
I want to huff that sea air so it fills my lungs so deep I can take it with me back to New York
And I breathe
And whisper thank you to the wind
That I am here
I am here
I am here.

In January
I did an agent showcase class
I felt seen and inspired and then
Disappointed
I taught voice, online and in person
Received coaching via skype
And worked on writing a play
I performed at Passport to Iron City
Saw Clueless and The Prom
And tried to remember to be kind to myself
I ran almost 60km (give or take with a buggy app)

In February
I got the flu
Continued performing at Iron City
Worked as a standardized patient and
Did a reading at Brooklyn College
I took classes online and
Started piano lessons with Juan
Rehearsed The Big C Cabaret
I ran even when I didn’t feel 100%
I danced to The Cat Empire with Aaron and Paul, and saw
The Ferryman, Gloria: A Life, and Merrily We Roll Along
I ran almost 44km

In March
I had anxiety
And tried to stay away from social media
I performed in Night Songs and Love Waltzes with MasterVoices
And rehearsed for Lady in the Dark and The Big C Cabaret
Passport to Iron City closed
I took a masterclass with a Broadway musical director
And more coaching
I had a three hour lunch with Ann, my high school music teacher
Ran 81km
Saw Owl Girl, My Fair Lady, and Alice by Heart

In April
I learnt to read the instructions when you’re not tired and
Not to put on a cabaret on a Sunday at 4pm
We drove to Maryland to celebrate a new baby in the family
I performed in Lady in the Dark at City Center and
Worked as a standardized patient
I sent out a newsletter
And took audition yoga
I ran the Queens Marathon and was 8 minutes off doing it in 6 hours
We went to tenant court and fumed at the broken systems
Ralph, Anna, Eric, Tara, Jason, and Tonya, helped me surprise Aaron for his birthday
I saw Kiss Me, Kate, Come from Away, Beetlejuice, and Tootsie
Joined Gilda’s Club and
Ran a little over 89km

In May
Aaron and I ran the Brooklyn Half together
My third half, Aaron’s first
I played flute in an audition for the first time
And booked the gig
I worked as a standardized patient and
Joined a musical theatre book club and sang Marta in Company
I took piano lessons and went to
The Central reunion where they spent the whole time promoting the school
I saw Oklahoma, Waitress, Frankie and Johnny, and Mairi’s show "More About the Melody: Rodgers and Co" at Birdland
I devoured Figurings by Maria Popova, Gathering Moss by Robin Wall Kimmerer, and Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez
I ran almost 60km

In June
I cried when we moved to Carteret, NJ
Felt pulled away from the city I love
We joined the fancy gym and
Discovered Primark no longer stocks good basics
I performed in Felt Left Out and my heart was happy
I struggled at work
I saw Hadestown, The Cher Show, Into the Woods Snr, What the Constitution Means to Me, Doug Varone Dancers, and Working
And Stephen Sondheim with Jason Robert Brown
We got eaten alive camping at Cheesequake State Park and
I ran close to 54km

In July
I had good auditions and no bookings
I ran just over 41km
Took songwriting and scene writing classes at Gilda’s Club
Had my face painted at the farmer’s market
We spent time with the Rabinowii and had
Dinner with friends
I spent hours booking medical appointments
I saw In the Green, What the Constitution Means to Me, and Lady Ship

In August
We traveled a lot and
Ran a little
We spent a week in North Carolina with the Goodmans
And two weeks in Oz
I booked a Christmas gig
We saw Bat Out of Hell and Muriel’s Wedding

In September
I tried to limit my use of social media
We celebrated my 35th birthday
With afternoon tea at Alice’s Teacup
And a feminist fireside chat on Simone de Beauvoir
I spent a glorious weekend in Rochester
And ran the marathon on a 30ºC/90F day
All up I ran 99km for the month
I observed a masterclass with Des McAnuff and took a
Drop-in improv class at Actors Launchpad
Made a costume for the Ren Faire and
Devoured Becoming Beauvoir by Kate Kirkpatrick, Gentleman Jack by Anne Choma, and Channel of Peace by Kevin Tuerff
Watched the livestreams of Golden Bricks and Ruby Shoes and Fleabag
I felt exhausted and not good enough

In October
I started rehearsals for The Polar Express
I felt challenged and at home
I tried to stay off social media and failed
Felt stuck financially
Felt not good enough
Started work on a documentary script with friends
We went to the Ren Faire as a fairy and an imp
I went to the St James Halloween party dressed as Olaf taken over by the spirit of Electra
Spent time with friends
Felt drained and emotional from putting together a timeline for The Patient Story
Meditated
Saw Bella Bella with Harvey Fierstein and
Ran almost 30km

In November
I ran my 5th marathon
On the 5th anniversary of my stem cell transplant
I learnt you should always take your water bottle and iPad to set and that
Marathon training is excellent training for 5-show days
I had to have dental fillings for the first time
The debilitating effects of chemo on my teeth
I sang in Let ‘Em Eat Cake at Carnegie Hall and saw
Slave Play, Lightning Thief, and Half Life of Marie Curie
The Barbra exhibit with Ella
I read Walt Whitman and Virginia Woolf
Stayed in Manhattan with David and Katherine for an easier commute
Sat with depression and
Made pasta from scratch

In December
We watched the live capture of SpongeBob: The Musical
I sang and danced on The Polar Express
And never wanted it to end
We drove to Richmond
To ring out the year with Jesse and Brenda

In between
I spent hours and hours finding new doctors for follow-up care
And dealing with NJ Transit and 
Sitting in the lobbies of Manhattan hotels
Reading, writing, scrolling, and waiting for my bus
I had coffees with friends at Bird & Branch on West 45th
I ushered at the St James and
Sang with MasterVoices
At home we cooked curries and noodles and pulled pork and roasts
We walked to the water
We watched Big Mouth and Bojack, Jane and Schitt’s Creek, Fleabag, Succession, The Crown, The Wire, The Politician and Pose, Last Week Tonight, Years and Years, and Gentleman Jack
We ranted at unfair broken systems
Housing and medical and political and financial
I skyped with loved ones in Sydney and London
I wrote morning pages almost every day
And meditated and gave thanks
Some days I played piano
And a little flute

There were moments of lovely
Performing professionally
Travel
Seeing shows
Spending time with my love
And many moments of frustration
The struggle of being an actor in NYC
Wanting to do it full-time
Wanting to be seen, to be heard
Wishing the world were kinder and calmer

​So much of the year
Has felt like
Climbing uphill
Are we at the summit yet?
How do we get there
From here?

It was a year of trying and a trying year. 
​
In January 
I performed The Big C Cabaret with Neil
Met with an agent
Got acting coaching 
Went to BroadwayCon
Went running even when it was -6ºC
Spoke on Aaron’s podcast Embrace the Void 
Saw Amy and the Orphans and Il Trovatore at the Met Opera and 
Ran a total of 22.59km. 

​In February
I sang in a small ensemble for MasterVoices and
Took sight singing lessons 
We delighted at Spongebob Squarepants the Musical and Farinelli and the King
I was astonished by Eve Ensler’s In the Body of the World 
I was plagued by self doubt, anxiety, and depression
I was terrified I had breast cancer 
I ran 35.71km,

In March
I performed in the MasterVoices “Our America” concert 
Started rehearsals for a new show 
Created a patreon account for Filmed Live Musicals 
Saw Hello, Dolly! with Bernadette Peters, Children of a Lesser God, and the gorgeous
My Fair Lady at Lincoln Center
I was told by my primary care provider to take an iron tablet when I scared I was relapsing
Ran 51.60km. 

In April 
I worked my first Broadway opening, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, and got to go to the best after party I’ve ever been to
I read for an MFA directing class 
Rehearsed for the new show and MasterVoices’ "Orphic Moments"
I visited the Paley Center
Did a few shifts at Frozen 
Saw Romeo et Juliette at The Met 
Attended two casting director workshops 
Started doing scheduled tweets for Filmed Live Musicals 
Ran 60.94km 
Had anxiety. 

In May 
I did 2 casting director workshops 
We went house hunting in New Jersey
I taught voice lessons and
Performed in "Orphic Moments" with MasterVoices at Alice Tully Hall 
Survived a difficult theatre experience which was also my first paid acting job in New York
Saw Salty directed by Benita DeWitt 
Ran the Brooklyn Half Marathon 
Launched the Patreon for Filmed Live Musicals 
Briefly attended the Central School of Speech and Drama New York reunion before running off to chorus rehearsal 
Brunched with Fernando 
Submitted self-tapes
Ran 44.71km.

In June 
We moved to West New York, New Jersey
We had fun building IKEA furniture 
Performed in "Naamah’s Ark" with MasterVoices
I spoke and sang at the MSK Survivorship event and
Looked after Aaron after he had surgery 
Ran the Achilles 4 miler 
Felt tired and overwhelmed
Felt inspired and excited 
Went to 2 casting director workshops 
Saw Bandstand at the cinema 
Ran 31.42km.

In July 
Went to 2 casting director/management workshops
Got a callback for a new musical, but didn’t get cast 
Played piano
Moved to the St James 
Saw Billy Joel at Madison Square Gardens, and 
Bette Midler in Hello, Dolly! (again) 
Went to my friend’s book launch and
Celebrated my 4th cancerversary 
We had picnics by the river and
I ran 43.53km. 

In August 
I reveled in long runs 
I started singing with Garfield
Performed The Big C Cabaret again 
Saw the phenomenal Mairi Dorman-Phaneuf at Birdland with Erica
Got the worst tummy virus I’ve ever had
Saw Getting the Band Back Together and On a Clear Day You Can See Forever and 
“In the Name of the Earth” at the Cathedral of St John the Divine
We played tourist in New York and did our best to escape the heat
We went to the Natural History Museum with Tamara and finally saw the whale 
I saw Fiddler on the Roof in Yiddish and bawled my eyes out 
I ran 66.63km.

In September 
Aaron took my to my first Ren Faire and I discovered a not-so-hidden desire to be a fairy in the woods 
I dealt with depression 
Sang
Went to auditions
Performed at The Stonewall Inn 
Auditioned for something I’d waited almost a year to audition for, and was told I was not at all what they wanted
Saw Head Over Heels and Straight White Men 
Celebrated my birthday at the Call it Love concert reading with Chilina Kennedy Jen Colella
Went to Be More Chill with Aaron and Emma and felt old
Saw 12 Angry Men with Women on Broadway with my new running/theatre friend Jenni
Ran 123.4km. 

In October 
I went to a casting director workshop
Filmed a scene for an NYU film study class
Became a standardized patient for medical student training 
Began work on The Camino Project 
Went to auditions
Performed The Big C Cabaret as a fundraiser for Fred’s Team
Taught voice lessons 
Began learning how to sing Handel 
Saw The Hysteria of Dr Faustus 
Listen…Can You Hear Me Now? 
Plot Points in Our Sexual Development 
King Kong, and 
School Girls or the African Mean Girls Play and promised to support/read anything ever written by Jocelyn Bioh. 
I dressed up as Day of the Dead Mary Poppins for the work Halloween party 
I ran 54.09km

In November 
I ran the NYC Marathon with Fred’s Team and raised $4770 for leukemia research at Memorial Sloan Kettering
I attended a manager workshop
I auditioned, finally got cast in something and had to turn it down
I worked on The Camino Project 
I saw Everybody’s Talking About Jamie and The King and I at the cinema 
I saw Bernhardt/Hamlet 
Fireflies
James and the Giant Peach
Performed "Israel in Egypt" at Carnegie Hall with MasterVoices 
Made the most delicious Thanksgiving fondue in a bread bowl with my love 
And celebrated 5 years of marriage. 

In December 
I stopped by Tonya’s baby shower 
Spent 3 glorious days immersed in a workshop for The Camino Project
Began training for the Queen’s Marathon 
Saw Best Life starring Tamar Broadbent,
Yule Your Kingdom with Lesli Margherita 
Ragtag Theatre’s Snow White 
To Kill a Mockingbird and 
Mary Poppins Returns 
Went to auditions 
I ran 39.57km 
Spent Christmas in Richmond and 
Finished the year watching Beetlejuice and A League of Their Own.

In between there were morning pages and thankfulness and meditation. Singing practice. Wanting to play piano and flute. Wanting more lessons. Submissions and auditions and callbacks. There was cooking in the Instant Pot and homemade ice cream and learning to make cashew milk. There were many hours spent in various branches of the New York Public Library, and Bryant Park.

We watched The Wire, The Marvelous Mrs Maisel, Last Week Tonight, The Good Place, Bojack Horseman, Big Mouth, Jane the Virgin, and Crazy Ex Girlfriend. 

I read Mary Poppins, Saplings, James and the Giant Peach, Dirt Witch, Specimen Days, Wolves and Honey, White Teeth, Time out, Maya, Outliers, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and The Solitaire Mystery. 

I ran a total of 626.32km/381.1miles, give or take. I ran through Brooklyn and Prospect Park. I ran along the Hudson. I ran under bright blue skies, in pouring rain, and in the snow. 

There was anxiety about doing enough, being enough 
about looking after myself and 
dealing with the US healthcare system 
about the state of the world and Syria and and plastics
and not being social enough
about family
about how to spend my time
about purpose
about who I am
about being good and doing the right thing

There was resentment about having to work when there are a million things I’d rather be doing.

There was working on The Camino Project
and Filmed Live Musicals 
and wanting to write about musicals and movie musicals and live theatre.

I finish 2018 with
the desire to read all the books
to create new work
respond to the world
take all the classes
explore
eat well
look after myself
be a good wife
run marathons 
fundraise
grow my own food
be a good person in my community
keep trying. 

The end. Until next year. 

We rang in the New Year
Watching Singin’ In the Rain in Richmond
Aaron and I finally got our honeymoon
Thanks to the generosity of the Sloan Kettering Dream Team
Several blissful days in the gorgeous glorious Guana
Our friend Molly turned 21
I nerded out at BroadwayCon
Worked at Lincoln Center
Worked at the Lyric
Registered for the Brooklyn Half
Rehearsed with the Cecilia Chorus

In February
I kept singing at Cecilia rehearsals
Ran the Al Gordon 4mile race in Prospect Park
Worked at the Lyric and David Geffen Hall
Tried to get my vocal cords checked
Tried to get my eyes checked
Started auditioning again and
Saw Sunset Boulevard with Glenn Close

In March
We saw The Moors
I saw Hello, Dolly! with Bette Midler, Anastasia with Caroline O’Connor, and The Glass Menagerie with Sally Field.
I performed in Oedipus the King with the Cecilia Chorus
Did a networking night through ActorDash
Took a film acting class with Jason Chaet
Kept auditioning and
Started voice lessons again
Worked as an extra on VEEP and
Tried to find counseling that would accept my insurance,
Finally got new reading glasses

In April
We saw Come From Away, Groundhog Day, War Paint (sans Patti, with Christine), The Price, and Natasha, Pierre, and the Comet of 1812 (with Josh Groban)
I finally started seeing a counselor
Tried to find a voice therapist
Ran the UAE Healthy Kidney 10km and the Run as One 4-miler

In May
I went to another networking night with ActorDash
Performed in A Garden Among the Flames with the Cecilia Chorus at Carnegie Hall
Volunteered at the Japan Run in Central Park and handed out hundreds of cups of water
Worked at the St. James Theatre
Saw War Paint again, this time with Patti and Christine, and my friend Danni be incredible in the The Cagebirds.
I ran the Brooklyn Half Marathon and was surprised I wasn’t dead.
Visited Rachel and Justin in Boston
And once again had visions of moving to the woods of Maine
I taught a class at Baruch and
Started working at the Stephen Sondheim
I fell madly in love with Beautiful and
Told my doctor I had signed up for the NYC Marathon

In the summer
We said goodbye to G'Pa
"Attending" his funeral via skype was surreal and painful and sad. 
I ran the NYRR Retro 5-miler, the New York Mini 10km and the New Milford 8
I watched the Ernest Shakleton Loves Me Livestream and the Tony Awards
I saw Marvin’s Room and
Did my first Broadway audition
I worked as an extra on The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, wearing wool in Washington Square Park on a 90 degree day

We shaved off all my hair on Facebook Live and
Went nervously back to camp
I played in a flute quartet, sang for the first time in public since Stupid Cancer
Conducted Tommy and The Wizard of Oz and taught voice lessons galore
We went camping in the woods
I had visions of abandoning my life to become a park ranger live among the pine trees.
At home, I did the Audition Rep Matchmaker course on auditioning
I went to my first casting director workshop with Alexis Atkinson

In September
We saw Brian be delightful in Addy and Uno and
Marc be astonishing in The Climbers
I participated in a reading of Al Monaco’s The Tesseract
I performed in the Cranky Cabaret and
Ran the Bronx 10 miler
I renewed my Australian passport
And joined the MasterVoices chorus
I did a musical theatre workshop with music director Carmel Dean

In October
I ran the Staten Island Half in the pouring rain
Saw Hungry Like the Wolk, Game of Thrones the Parody Musical, and Where Angels Fear to Tread
I did three more casting director workshops — Brette Goldstein, Freya Krasnow, and Allison Kirschner.
I did an agent’s night
I flew across the country and hung out with my little little sister in La La Land
I meditated in a beautiful garden and ran beside the Pacific Ocean
Saw Bright Star again
Back on the east coast, we celebrated our friends’ wedding and
The next day were told we were not invited back to camp.

In November
I sang in Of Thee I Sing at Carnegie Hall and
Ran the NYC Marathon with Fred’s Team and raised over $7500 for leukemia research at Sloan Kettering
We celebrated Jesse’s 60th with the Museum of the Moving Image and amazing Greek food
I saw a reading of Hatef**** at the Women’s Project, Once on This Island, and the National Theatre’s live broadcast of Follies
I did a workshop with Broadway director Marc Bruni
Aaron and I celebrated four years of marriage
With a visit to the Museum of Sex and dinner at Purple Yam
I ran the Turkey Trot 5 miler in Prospect Park and
At last received my permanent resident card

In December
I was published the on Audition Rep Matchmaker blog and
Finally launched Filmed Live Musicals
I performed in The Nightmare Before Christmas Concert at the Barclay Center
And despite being sick, had the most fun performing I’ve had in a long time
I went to the Barbara Cook Tribute at Lincoln Center
I saw The Band’s Visit, Avenue Q, and Lesli Margherita in Who’s Holiday
We saw the Christmas lights in Dyker Heights and had Chinese delivered in.

This year I ran over 800km/500 miles
Coincidentally, the approximate distance of the Camino de Santiago
I ran in Prospect Park and through the streets of Brooklyn
I ran along the Atlantic and Pacific oceans
I ran through the woods of Maine and Connecticut
I ran my first goddamn marathon and it was glorious

I got my singing voice back and wrote a cabaret
Worked at Paramour, Beautiful, Present Laughter, and the New York Philharmonic
Auditioned for plays and musicals and short films and indie projects

I had debilitating depression and anxiety
There were days when I could barely get out of bed
And when I did, I would break down at the front door

I read Born to Run, Jim Henson: The Biography, and Radical Remission,
Gloria Steinem, Heather Lyn Mann, Ali Smith, A.S. Byatt and a total of
Twenty-six plays — including Starting Monday by Anne Commire
It had me so engrossed I caught the wrong train and ended up halfway to JFK.

In between all the things
We spent countless hours dealing with health insurance
I sat quietly as I could in our room while Aaron recorded his excellent podcast
Embrace the Void
We watched Bojack Horseman, Broad City, Jane the Virgin, Master of None, Mozart in the Jungle, Santa Clarita Diet, The Crown, and The Good Wife.
We shopped at the Cortelyou Road farmers’ market every Sunday morning and 
Made bread, hummus, chilli, and dumplings

I wondered why I was doing what I’m doing
Working for low pay and pursuing a career 
Thousands upon thousands want
But only a few get

In the last moments of the year,
A patron at the theatre asked me
“How do you stay so happy doing this every day?”
And without thinking I said
“Because I love it.”

Sometimes it is hard and depressing and crushing
But when you get to do the thing,
The singing and telling stories and being around people, 
It’s all worth it

I am so fortunate to be here
I’m healthy
I have the most astonishing, clever, wonderful person by my side
We have a roof over our heads, and a lovely one at that
In the mornings, the sun streams into our nook
And the light,
It is lovely

The end
(until next year). ​

January began in Richmond
We went to the Festival of Lights at the Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens 
Saw Rodin at the VMFA 
Danced at Rachel and Russel’s wedding
We saw the Harlem Gospel Choir 
I went to BroadwayCon with Veronica 

In February I worked full-time
I saw Allegiance, The Woodsman, Disaster! 
Went to the opening night of Smart People 
Spoke at a Cycle for Survival event 

In March
I saw Daddy Long Legs, An American in Paris, Undrown’d, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, and Dear Evan Hansen (twice) 
Started my vaccinations 
(re)Started singing lessons 
Went to the Easter Parade on Fifth Ave 

In April 
I re-connected with Dinny and went back to the circus 
Yaui came to visit 
I saw Young Benjamin Banneker, Sleeping Beauty and the Beast, Shows for Days and
Met Patti LuPone and thanked her for her note. 
I tried to start running again 
Passover at the Fleisher’s 
Started work on the Filmed Live Musicals project 
Plagued by anxiety and depression and low energy 

May was depression. Shows. Work. 
The Robber Bridegroom, Fiddler on the Roof, Cassandra, American Psycho 
I spoke at a CancerCare fundraiser
Fell in love with Maine and entertained serious fantasies about moving to a remote island and living in a lighthouse to write. 
Fernando and Janine, and Keith visited New York 

In June 
We watched the Tonys with Annie and Marc
I saw Waitress, The Color Purple and the closing night of Daddy Long Legs 
Had a panic attack during an MRI 
Discovered I do not have neuropathy (still unclear why I get tingling in my legs and feet, or why my legs and feet cramp at irregular intervals)
Sent off my green card renewal application
Headed to camp

July
Floated down a river on a giant plastic tube 
Taught voice lessons galore
Worked on Assassins and fell in love with Sondheim all over again 
Delighted at Ghostbusters
Re-sent green card renewal application 

August
Went to Falconridge Folk Festival 
Went camping in the woods, saw a bear 
Conducted my first musical - Urinetown
Visited FoCo and remembered how much I loved living there. 
Cycled again for the first time in two years, and remembered how much I love cycling. 

September
Back to full-time work
Fingerprints and eye scan for green card renewal application 
Turned 32 on a sugar high, powered by an overdose on fairy bread, chocolate crackles, and a wide assortment of Australian chocolates including tim tams and aero bars, and surrounded by wonderful friends 
I saw Waitress (again), and Chicago 
Started singing with the Cecilia Chorus of New York  
Ella’s Atlas Obscura book launch with Miren 

October
Full-time work that I didn't love
Teaching voice, taking voice and piano
Absolute Beginner tap class at Broadway Dance Center 
Started working with a personal trainer 
Performed with the Queer Urban Orchestra singing Mozart’s Ave Verum Corpus 
Walked across the Brooklyn Bridge and ate pizza in Dumbo with Deb
Watched Tom perform in the finale of the 30th Anniversary performance of Phantom of the Opera in the West End livestream 
Saw Sunday in the Park with George 
Quit my full-time job 
Got a job house managing a new kids show
Passed the test to be a fire guard in a theatre 

November 
Finally saw Hamilton, on election night  
Got mad at Trump for taking away from my enjoyment of Hamilton
Worked a 70 hour week without overtime
Got fired.
Job interviews and applications galore
My birthday bike arrived 
Cycled through Prospect Park and fell in love with fall
Cycled down the boardwalk at Coney Island with Paul and Naomi 
Signed up with Central Casting and landed background work on Law and Order: SVU, Orange is the New Black, and Power 
Spent Thanksgiving with Jesse and Brenda in Ocean City. Moana, amazing food, and excellent company. Running along the beach. 
Saw In Transit 

December 
I got to have a head shot session in the park with Kurt 
EN&T appointment - seeing my own vocal cords for the first time 
I saw the cinema screenings of Allegiance and She Loves Me and watched the livestream of Bright Star in Concert 
I saw The Hard Nut and Paramour 
Started auditioning again 
Performed at Carnegie Hall with the Cecilia Chorus 
Finally got a job in a Broadway house, working as an usher 

In between, we shopped at the farmers market and cooked at home. We watched The Good Wife, Jane the Virgin, Cleverman, West World, Bojack Horseman, Mozart in the Jungle, and Last Week Tonight. We worked sporadically on the puzzle. 

I researched filmed live musicals and worked on the movie musical project (49 posts, I finally finished 1929!). 

I tried to keep running. 

I kept journalling. I wrote morning pages and meditated. 

I read twenty novels written by women from all over the world. 

I started reading a play a day. 

I played piano, and kept working on my singing. I played a little flute. A little ukulele. 

I was increcibly lucky. Despite the depressing politics, and the immensely tragic awful happenings around the globe, in my own little corner, I was loved and held and supported. Through depression and job loss and on-going cancer recovery, I had a wonderful human by my side. I felt enveloped in love by my family. I have incredible friends. I got to work and play in my dream city. 

On the last day of the year, I finally feel like myself again. I am myself for the first time. 

Onwards.  ​

It was the year of convalescence and healing
Depression and frustration
Fingernails falling off one-by-one, losing my eyelashes, nausea, fatigue, hand foot syndrome, thyroiditis, migraines, mood swings, menopause, depression, weight gain, reflux, the hemoglobin goblin, scanxiety and my hair growing back curly 
I spent most of the first four months of the year curled up on the couch
Riding out the symptoms, writing, reading, watching, scrolling endlessly through facebook and twitter and instagram
Short walks to the end of the block, to the store if I was feeling really adventurous, wearing that stuffy mask and trying to be patient with strangers who asked “Why are you wearing that?”
Their fear and pitying stare when you reply, 
“I’m recovering from cancer.”

By April I could walk to the park
I fell in love with spring in New York 
The magnolias and the blossoms and the blue of the sky 
We celebrated Aaron’s 30th with games and good food 
I started learning to play the piano
I found an incredible mentor through Imerman’s Angels 
I signed up for online courses in poetry and songwriting 

In May I was depressed and angry
I couldn’t go to camp
I wept and wailed and railed against the unfairness of this stupid disease and its long recovery 
It took a month to find a counselor who accepted our insurance and dealt with cancer
I found CancerCare and signed up for their summer young adult survivor support group 
I was allowed out into the world
We had our first date in almost a year - we rode the subway to Prospect Park and ate dinner at  Purple Yam 
My first subway trip to the city on my own was to go to the support group

​In June I finally got to go shows again 
We saw Ever After at the Paper Mill Playhouse 
In the second half of the year, I made up for a year of not seeing anything and saw 44 shows, including the Into the Woods Original Cast Reunion at BAM, On the Town, Spring Awakening, The King and I, and Invisible Thread. I saw the Drama League Gala for Bernadette Peters.
One of my poems was published in StepAway magazine 

In July I visited camp 
We had cancerversary dinner in Connecticut and marveled at the year that had been
I met Patti LuPone and thanked her for being so lovely
I stayed with my friend in Connecticut and was treated like royalty 

In August I started training for the Cancer to 5km
I got a job at BAM 
I had an article published on the CancerCare website 
I became a member of the New York Public Library 

In September I started working for a friend’s business in wedding planning
Aaron and I sailed down the Hudson at sunset 
I traveled to Australia for the first time in four and a half years
I dealt with all my crap in storage. I wanted to burn everything I had ever owned (I didn’t. I gave most of it away, bought two suitcases back to New York, and threw the rest away). 
I saw friends and family. 
We said goodbye to my beautiful Abuela. 

In October my counts started dropping. The hemoglobin goblin took up residence and didn’t leave for three months. 
After training for twelve weeks, two days before the 5km, I had to drop out because my counts were too low. 
I temped across offices in Manhattan: finance, office management, office supplies, health insurance, media, and even the temp agency itself. 
I had an article published on the Greenroom blog of New Musical Theatre 
I went trick o’ treating for the first time 
I had my one year post-transplant check-up and tests 
My immune system was still not functioning at normal levels 
I had developed osteopenia (the pre-cursor to osteoporosis)  
But the main test: still in remission 

In November 
My friend Zaza came to stay
I had my first proper Thanksgiving complete with family and turkey and flan 

In December I battled a cold and a stomach bug 
We celebrated cousin Louisa’s first birthday
And the next day, said goodbye to Jake
We ate Chinese in Park Slope on Christmas Day 
Then it was time to drive down to Virginia to spend time with Aaron’s parents 
And bring in the new year 

Over the course of the year 
I researched and posted 18 movie musicals from 1929 (with a few more in the pipeline) 
I watched filmed live musicals online including Follies (awful - the quality, not the show) and Daddy Long Legs (brilliant) 
I learnt Spanish, Danish, French, and Italian on duolingo 
We battled armies of cockroaches and one solitary mouse 
We made ice cream, yogurt, rice paper wraps, pho, mussels in a creamy white sauce, meringues from chickpea brine, and dumplings dumplings dumplings galore 
Aaron started our herb garden with basil and rosemary and mint
Friends from Australia, Canada, England, and Sweden visited New York 

It was a year of struggle
A year of pain and depression
A year of one moment, one day at a time 
A year of monitoring and checking in and letting go of expectations of a speedy recovery 
A year of wonderful friends and family and uncountable kindnesses and generosity 
Into 2016 we go
With hope it will be better, easier, kinder, more gentle 
May the year be happy, healthy, and well
​The end (for now). 

The year started twirling a “glow sword”
Because in the land of the free and the brave
It’s easier to buy a gun than a sparkler 
We applied for a fiance visa. 
I flew back to London.

In February, I started house hunting,
Visited Brighton
And saw A Chorus Line at the Palladium
I watched women in black t-shirts and bright red lipstick
Rise and dance outside Parliament House. 
We had a bake sale at the theatre.
I wandered the streets of London 
Trying to feel at home. 

In March, I saw Liza Minnelli at Royal Festival Hall.
In the midst of a snow storm
I moved to Ruislip. 
Saw my friend’s play 
Nights of Enchantment,
And over noodles, had a long and delightful conversation
With an old friend. 
One bright chilly morning
I walked from Covent Garden to the Thames to Islington. 

In April, I did quite the unthinkable
And quit my job ushering
At a west end theatre
And prepared to walk 780km across 
Northern rural Spain 
I saw the Lichtenstein retrospective at the Tate Modern
On the 30th April I caught the Eurostar
From London to Paris
And spent the day on trains heading 
South across France to the Pyrenees

On the first day of May
I walked up and down the Pyrenees 
Crossed into Navarra 
And spent the next 31 days
Walking the width of Spain 
Until I reached Santiago de Compostela 

In June, I saw War Horse at the New London.
I flew over the Atlantic
To spend the summer with my love
We went to a wedding
And a Wesslmann pop art exhibit in Richmond 
Drove through Washington DC, Jersey, New York, and Connecticut
And arrived 
Home 
At summer camp 

We staged 2 full-scale musicals 
In 8 weeks 
I taught singing and voice
And melted in the heat
Watched Yo Yo Ma and the Boston Symphony Orchestra
At Tanglewood 
And walked a rainbow chalk labyrinth
Smudged and glowing from rain 

In August
I saw Matilda, Once, and Peter and the Starcatcher in NYC
And wandered the streets of Manhattan praying for a miracle. 
I unwillingly flew back to London
And moved to the south east. 
I worked as a temp
At an international commercial property research company
Two finance firms
Two publishing houses
And spent my days behind reception desks around London
Writing and researching my play.
I saw Blue Stockings at The Globe.  

In September, I quietly turned 29
In one of the offices of London
And in the evening saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at the 
Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, with my big brother
I saw Grounded at The Gate Theatre
And did a workshop on writing solo material 
I traveled to Bath to audition for a play 
I saw Once with my Australian singing teacher 
And remembered why I was doing what I was doing. 
I saw A Doll’s House at The Duke of York
And had to talk myself into staying for the second act. 
I went blackberry picking in Southminster 
And made a blackberry pie. 

In October, I had my interview with the US Consulate 
And was rejected
I waited for a piece of paper
Declaring my lack of criminal record
To be sent from Australia to the UK
Via snail mail
I waited for my file to be lifted from the hundreds of other files
In someone’s office
I saw Trevor Ashley perform
Liza on an E 
And Malala Yousafzai speak at Queen Elizabeth Hall
I went to the London Dungeon and SeaLife Aquarium with my first London friend 
I saw The Light Princess at the National Theatre
And a debate between the founder of No More Page 3 
And three playboy bunnies 
In Carnaby St. 
I went to Brighton with Mum and
Rode the carousel on the pier.
The next day I was the sickest I have been since moving to London
Ten months of waiting catching up with my stomach. 

In November, I saw Matilda at the Cambridge
One last time 
Walked along the Thames  
Saw the Christmas lights in Oxford St and 
Bid farewell to London.  
I flew across the Atlantic 
To be with my love
And, finally, 
We were married. 

In December 
I worked on my play
Went to my first American audition
And was cast in my first Shakespeare  
I discovered I could run in below freezing temperatures
Volunteered in a second-hand bookshop
Learnt to play the ukulele
Went to a Warhol exhibit
And wandered through Old Town admiring the fairy lights.

We started our happily ever after

The end.