Sometimes you think
What are you even doing here?!
You left Australia to pursue your dreams
And trip the light fantastic!
And then there was drama school
And Aaron
And stupid forking cancer
And an even more stupid entirely preventable pandemic
And raising a puppy
And trying to make peace with living
In a place you didn’t want to be
And dealing with the dumpster fire of hell that is New Jersey Transit
And then there was divorce
(To quote Sondheim
“One word means all that”)
And so much heartbreak
And (to quote Jonathan Larson)
Revolving door roommates
And working all the jobs to pay rent
And just get by
And here you are panicking because
It’s almost fifteen whole years since you boarded that plane
And what exactly are you doing?!

And then your friend invites you to see a show
By a comedian you knew nothing about until tonight
And it’s a show all about being a theatre kid
And you’re surrounded by fellow musical dorks
(Who are actually, in your very humble opinion
The coolest people in the world)
And there is storytelling and laughing and singing
And it reminds you why you’re here
Because despite the absolute forkery that is
The Business of Show
This theatre thing
Oh lawd help you
It is your heart and soul
Your first language
The thing that you keep coming back to
Through heartbreak and struggle and all the forkery
A bit of singing and dancing makes it all better
Easier to bear
And when you take a breath
You remember you have done extraordinary wonderful thrilling things
That if you told Younger You you were doing
She would lose her goddamn mind

So what am I doing here?
I’m doing the thing I came here to do
One day at a time
Imperfectly, to the best of my ability
With the resources I have on hand and
(The best part)
Surrounded by a glorious group of
Theatre kids.

I arrived in the US
Twelve years ago today
It’s strange to think of that person
Landing in the freezing cold at Denver Airport
Clutching a folder thick with immigration paperwork
Feeling excited and scared about the next adventure

In the twelve years since
I’ve been married and divorced
Survived cancer
Had my heart broken
Lost two grandparents
Lost six friends to cancer
Been in two choirs
Moved 7 times across 3 states
Lived with 5 different people
And survived NJ Transit

I’ve worked a lot of jobs
Second-hand bookshop and farm volunteer
Babysitter
Receptionist atop fancy glass towers
Broadway usher
Teacher
Vocal coach
Writer
Actor
Fake patient
Stage manager
Director
Podcast editor, and an
Operations/staff assistant

I’ve done the Artist’s Way twice and
Built Filmed Live Musicals
Written and performed a cabaret
Written a book chapter 
Spent hours in the archives at the New York Public Library for the Performing Arts 
Performed in Colorado, New Jersey, and New York
In plays, musicals, and immersive shows
Seen a show in every Broadway house
Taken class at Broadway Dance Center
Played flute and ukulele and piano

I’ve run, quite a bit
All around Fort Collins
Brooklyn, West New York,
Astoria, and Harlem
6 marathons
4 half marathons
And a handful of races

I’ve traveled to Acadia State Park and Atlanta
Salem and Boston and Washington DC
Traipsed around Connecticut
Honeymooned in the British Virgin Islands
Did a road trip from FoCo to New York
I’ve been back to Australia three times
And London once

I’ve frequented farmers markets
And made my own yogurt
Grown arugula and spinach and basil and chives
Strawberries and raspberries

I helped raise a sweet and ridiculous floof of a puppy
Learned Spanish and Danish
Learned to bake cheesecake
Learned to manage my depression

I grew my hair out again
Started eating meat again
Started morning pages again
Got my first tattoo
Tried contact lenses and
Finally got my drivers license

I’ve had my heart ripped out of my chest
I’ve been held and taken care of and spoilt rotten
I’ve met, and become friends with, some of the most extraordinary and beautiful people
From FoCo, Brooklyn, Carteret, Astoria, and Harlem
MSK, front of house, MasterVoices, SP land, and, of course
Buck’s Rock

And today, on the anniversary of my moving here
I performed a two show day
With a group of people whom I utterly adore
With a lead actor whose cast albums I have listened to on repeat
In a rarely performed musical by a composer whose work inspired my life path
With friends in the audience

And tomorrow I’ll direct a musical with a cast of sweet and precocious kidlets
And the next day I’ll start rehearsals for a new project with MasterVoices
And I think
It’s taken twelve years, but I’m finally doing the thing I came here to do
It just took a little cancer, divorce, gestures-at-the-world-in-2025 detour to get here

I think about what I want from the next chapter
To live on my own
To travel, and keep exploring my glorious city
To visit all the museums
To fill my days with music and theatre and writing
And delicious food
And time with friends
And glorious books
To keep tripping the light fantastic
And being so very thankful
That despite *everything* (again, gestures-at-the-world-in-2025)
I’m here.

Even though it was in black and white, and quite grainy
It was an emotional experience
Realizing that the dancers were just a few years older than Mum
Seeing the embodied dancers of voices I’ve listened to on repeat since I was 10.
It still amazes me that the stories of dancers in New York could resonate with a 10-year-old living 10,000 miles away.
That incredible Marvin Hamlisch score
Hearing the audience hear it for the first time.
Imagine being able to see A Chorus Line for the first time?
Remember seeing A Chorus Line for the first time?!
Remember being 10
Remember taking ballet lessons
Remember tights and leotards and having your hair in a bun and hair nets and hair pins and hairspray
Remember ballet shoes and cross over wraps
Remember practise shoes and the pretty satin shoes 
Remember the smell of the studio
Remember being awed and intimidated by the older girls 
Remember wishing you were an older girl 
Remember dancing in the living room and the light was your spotlight
(How did you know about spotlights?)
Remember the rush of joy.  

I had a wish
To live in a place
Where I could eat breathe and sleep theatre
Talk about theatre all day long
Immerse myself in a world of musicals and plays and art
And how do you know what you want til you get what you want and you see if you like it?
Well I’m here
And pardon my French
But I fucking love it
I’ve had the most excellent fortune
To see literally hundreds of shows
And it never gets old
The thrill of walking into a theatre
And wondering what magic awaits
To be handed your playbill
And rifling through the names
Oh I remember her from -
I loved them in -
And increasingly
Having had the pleasure of actually working the people on the stage and behind the scenes
Going to the Performing Arts Library to watch archival recordings on a weekly basis
If my sixteen year old self could see me now!

A Disney karaoke night
Turns into an en-masse Disney sing-a-long
The kids belt out Hamilton and The Little Mermaid and Mulan and Encanto
They know Menken but Miranda is au courant
The joy of it
The fun of it
The delight of singing songs together

The thrill of playing in a pit band again
The joy of rehearsal
Of reading music
Of counting
Of figuring it all out

Realizing that I’ve been doing the Filmed Live Musicals research
For 12 years
Today they officially announced
They are filming Merrily We Roll Along ​

​The thrill of standing in line
At 8 in the morning
With hundreds of your fellow theatre nerds
My first time in the David Koch Theatre
(I need to come see a ballet)
The thrill of seeing the dress rehearsal
Watching how it all comes together
How it looks in real life v. on the screen
The amusing speeches of the stand-ins
The Dad jokes for Father’s Day
Being in awe of the performers
Who are rehearsing this morning
Doing a matinee this afternoon
And coming back to do the show tonight
The thrill of it
The exhaustion of it
The anticipation
The rush of joy

The joy of sitting in the park
On a warm and sunny afternoon
Watching a family kick around a ball
Their goofy retriever rolling in the grass
People watching
Meeting Jan for dinner
And getting to see
Titanic at City Center
The all-star cast of musical theatre royalty
The stunning score played with a full orchestra
Feeling lucky and spoilt
In the best kind of way

Imagine a gorgeous blue sky day
And having lunch in a fairy grove
With your dear friend
And climbing up to the turret of Belvedere Castle
And taking in the Delacorte
And the ball fields
And the turtles swimming in the pond
What is it like to be a turtle swimming in a pond in the heart of Central Park?
You think you want
To be
A turtle swimming in the pond in the heart of Central Park
But alas, today you are a mere mortal
So you take comfort in
Sitting in a shady spot
Overlooking the trees
Writing together and
A red-breasted robin comes and perches by your foot
And your friend says you are Mary Poppins
Well if you can’t be a turtle, you may as well be a magical mortal
And you spend a happy hour
Immersed in creation