​I didn’t know singing in a cemetery while watching two Brits lug stone and ice and fire was on my bucket list
But here we are
How to explain this transcendent experience
That even days later I’m still processing
The magic of it
The meditative-ness of it
The rareness of it
The extraordinary nature of it

MasterVoices were the guests of
Kaleider’s Arch
A performance piece that has been done around the world
And this weekend was to be performed at
Green-Wood Cemetery in Brooklyn
We rehearsed on Friday night
Learned all the elements of
Verity Standen’s gorgeous music
The revelation when she said
It doesn’t matter if the pitch drops
“That’s the human voice isn’t it?” she said
That’s the human voice!
And she said it didn’t matter if we made different vowel sounds
Because different vowels sound and feel different in individual voices
And wow, what a relief it was to hear that!
It’s not to say I don’t love the discipline that’s usually expected of the chorus
But it was so freeing to just SING
I floated home from rehearsal

The Saturday show was canceled
Due to inclement weather
Damn those weather gods!
But it made showing up on Sunday
All the more exciting
We rehearsed in the afternoon
Had dinner on the grass
A peak Victorian activity
In the midst of life we are--
My friends arrived
Ella, Miles, Opus, Emma, Heidi, and Molly
And somewhere in the crowd, my roomie Artur
Friends from very different parts of my life
UNSW, the Theatre Royal, Buck’s Rock, SP land, and NYC
All sitting together on the hill behind me
It was overwhelming and dizzying and wonderful

At dusk
The audience and the chorus
Sat among the gravestones
Lenny Bernstein up the hill
(Earlier, a number of us made a little pilgrimage to pay our respects
His grave is blink and you miss it
Not at all what you’d expect for one of the musical giants of the 20th century)
And witnessed the building of an arch
Out of stone and ice
A fire was fed in a metal drum
While 5 glorious singers intoned
The elemental nature of it
Water, earth, fire, and breath
Brick by brick and block by block, it was
Quite something to watch these two men haul the building blocks
While we all sat there and watched
Could we have gotten up to help?
Why do they do all the work while we just sit there?

At first the arch didn’t quite come together
It took a few goes of moving stones in and out
And readjusting and hammering
Before they took the wooden former out
The audience broke into applause when the arch stood on its own
Then Seth dragged the fire underneath
And the voices sang and intoned and rose and fell
And the ice slowly melted
It felt like we might sit there forever
Then the arch suddenly collapsed
The singing faded away
And the audience and the chorus, without guidance,
Gathered around the fire
It doesn’t get more primal than that
Humans gathering around a fire
To tell stories
Like moths to a--
As we did, the clouds parted to reveal (I kid you not),
A full moon

It was a meditation
It was immersive theatre
It was civilization and humanity and human endeavor
Everything we build will crumble
Everything we know matters
Nothing is important
What we do is vital
What we do is irrelevant
What we do is -

To quote Ali Smith
remember you must live
remember|you|most|love
remainder|you|mist|leaf
To witness it, experience it, be a part of it
I am thankful thankful thankful

When you discover a meditation 
That is simple and profound and
Gently powerful 
The way it can shift your entire energetic being
And help you feel both grounded and light 
And you wonder how you ever lived without it 

Sitting behind the igloo
Overlooking the forest
The sounds of camp behind me
The trees have grown bigger since I was last down here and obstruct the view some
It’s still beautiful and quiet
The wind caresses the trees
Somewhere down the hill, someone is mowing a lawn
The sunlight sparkles through the green of the tree canopy
Birds in the distance
I need to change into jeans
The air is cooling
The trees call out
The desire to escape people and social media and
Business and busy-ness
To be still
To unwind
To let go of it all
Cancer, Aaron, Kris, New Jersey, commuting, paying rent, earning money
The desire to give up my worldly possessions
To just be
To sit and watch the sunset through the forest trees.

Connecting with loved ones
With old friends 
With old self 
A return to writing
And routine 
Eating well 
Feeling good 
The Mmmm's
Morning pages
Meditation
Movement
Music
The purpose of art 
The purpose of life 
Finding connection
Amidst the chaos 

To sit in meditation 
For an hour
In a beautiful cathedral
On the upper west side
While a choir sings 
To leave feeling
Uplifted 

An unexpected early shift 
​Being gifted a lovely workshop
Filled with timely reminders
And uplifting content 
Watching a concert from the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane
Sobbing as Audra closes the show with
Climb Ev'ry Mountain 

​Work finished earlier than expected
So you go to find the labyrinth in Bloomfield and
Arrive in the midst of school letting out
Kids and
Crossing guards and
Buses and SUVs and police cars and
Hubbub
You almost turn around
But you find parking further down the street
And walk back to the church

The labyrinth is no where to be seen
Has it been taken away
Grown over?

Persevere

There, tucked in on a street behind the church proper
Fenced off in its own grassy lot
A lovely labyrinth
Shaded by tall trees

At first you feel self-conscious
Walking in loopy circles
In the middle of a grass lot
Shaded by tall trees
Just two blocks down
Cars are whizzing by
Kids are hanging out in the park
Busy-ness is happening

But then your feet take over
And your heart slows down
And the breeze is warm
And the sky is blue
And you trace the path
Around and along and around and up and
Around and along and around and down
Until you are in
The labyrinth’s centre

And you take a breath
And say a word of thanks
And you trace the path
Around and along and around and up and
Around and along and around and down
Until you are back at the start

I feel disappointment so keenly
And like I’ve been robbed of the past several years
First it was cancer and then recovery
And just I was really starting to feel myself
Feel "normal" and able to do the thing
The pandemic hit
And it was all taken away again
And I don't feel safe to be in the room any more
Because the world is on fire
And the people in charge keep handing out matches and lighters and kerosene cocktails

And then I came back to do theatre in the woods
And oh my god it felt so good to have a script in my hands
To be sharing the love of musical theatre with a new generation of kids
And then I had to work with someone whose skills did not match what was on their resume
They could not do the thing
And it was disappointing and frustrating because it curtailed the process
And it made it harder for the kids
And it wasn't until he quit, mid-rehearsal, in front of a room full of campers and staff
That it was made better

But in between we sat on the stage at the veggie patch
And did accent work
We drilled melodies and harmonies and rhythms and words
We talked about the meaning and hidden meanings of the words
We talked about intention and making ourselves heard
We learnt choreography and blocking

And on the hottest day of the summer (so far) the show happened
And it was a relief and it was exciting and it was swelteringly hot
And I got to wave my arms in front of a band
Which was scary and challenging and unbelievably fun
And at the end the theatre crew descended onto the stage and started drilling and ripping and carrying bits of the set away to make space for the next show and
I felt intensely sad because I didn't want it to be over
But I helped pack the van with the music stands and chairs and the drum kit
And went up the hill to unpack the van with the music stands and chairs and the drum kit
And by the time I got back to the dining hall
The cast party was over and the kids had been taken to their bunks
And I didn't get to say good night or well done or I'm so proud of the work you've done and
I felt a rush of grief because it all had been taken away again
And all I could do was sob

And then two nights later
Reminiscing about eight years before
When organic-vegetarian-regularly-exercising-meditating-rarely-drinking-29 year old-me was told
You have leukemia.
You will be dead in a month if you don’t have treatment.
And then all that happened

And today, eight years later, I feel relief
I feel scared it will come back and it everything will be taken away again
I feel thankful I was where I was when it happened
The best place for the worst thing to happen
I feel joy that I can sing
I feel joy that I can play flute
And that I’m learning to play the piano
I feel joy that I can read music
I feel joy that I can read at all
That I can form words
That I can be back in the woods
Even when it is hard
Even when it is disappointing

​​I am here. 

​Remember when you fell in love in the woods
Before covid, before cancer, before London
A life time ago
And now you’re back
And you walk through camp at 12.30 in the morning
With a very tired puppy in tow
And despite the hour
Lights are on in some of the shops
Potters are potting
Print makers are pressing ink
A musician is playing a clarinet
And you wish you never had to leave
You want to be making art in the woods forever
Even when it’s hard
Even when you’re an all-you-can-eat meal for mosquitos
Even when it’s hot
Even when everyone is struggling because we’re all coming out of and still living through a global pandemic where half the population continues to insist it’s not real
Even though you have to apply sunscreen four times a day
Even though you perpetually feel sticky and like your hands are never clean
The trees with their leaves help soothe your soul
The moss continues to grow in tiny increments despite the drought
And you fall in love again
With music, with art, with telling stories
​With the bond of creativity