- Published on
“...every once in while, pure chance intercedes to remind us that whatever structures of control we may put into place, however much we may mistake the illusion of choice for the fact of choice, randomness is the reigning monarch of the universe.”
Maria Popova, Figuring
There are trillions upon trillions of
Stars in our universe,
Give or take, and
Millions upon millions of
Published books.
I used to wonder
How has the world has not fallen off its axis
With the weight of all the books
We have written?
How do we choose
Between the great volumes
Of words and pages and titles and texts
Which ones to read?
Choice, luck, happenstance?
One day at
Thirteen
My voracious bookworm self
Desired to read a good chunky book
I browsed the shelves
Of my school library
And came across
Sophie’s World
By Jostein Gaarder
A crash course in the history of
Western Philosophy
I remember walking the perimeter of the playground
Where we went camping
While reading it
It led to The Solitaire Mystery and Maya
A new way of seeing the world
Is it a coincidence that I would one day
Marry a philosopher?
One day when
I was seventeen or eighteen
Thumbing through the Sydney Morning Herald
A section called
“Can You Judge A Book (By Its First Page)”
(Or something of the like)
The first page of a book
Followed by a review
“Wooooooo-
hoooooo what a fall what a soar what a plummet what a dash into dark into light what a plunge what a glide thud crash what a drop what a rush what a swoop what a fright what a mad hushed skirl what a smash mush mash-up broke and gashed what a heart in my mouth what an end.”
Ali Smith’s Hotel World
I would sporadically check the shelves in Dymocks
Fiction: Smi-
To see what else she had written
It made me want to write
My first published story was an imitation of its style
It led me to The Accidental and Like, and
Seventeen years later
Ali Smith is still writing and publishing and
I’m still reading every word
I don’t recall when I first came across Brain Pickings
Written/curated/nurtured
By the extraordinary Maria Popova
I think I was still in Sydney?
Or perhaps it was London?
The perils of the internet
Memory is different now
But at thirty-four
I read an excerpt of Popova’s Figuring
And knew it was another sparkling luminescence
I borrowed it from the library
And quickly realized I needed my own copy
It’s a brick of a book
I’ve lugged it around Manhattan and Brooklyn and Jersey
And even took it into the woods
The inter-weaving of science and art and literature and poetry
The stories of extraordinary women
Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Margaret Fuller, Maria Mitchell, George Sand, Rachel Carson
The role of the artist/scientist/author
To connect the dots
To illuminate
To shine
To help us figure out who we are.
Stars in our universe,
Give or take, and
Millions upon millions of
Published books.
I used to wonder
How has the world has not fallen off its axis
With the weight of all the books
We have written?
How do we choose
Between the great volumes
Of words and pages and titles and texts
Which ones to read?
Choice, luck, happenstance?
One day at
Thirteen
My voracious bookworm self
Desired to read a good chunky book
I browsed the shelves
Of my school library
And came across
Sophie’s World
By Jostein Gaarder
A crash course in the history of
Western Philosophy
I remember walking the perimeter of the playground
Where we went camping
While reading it
It led to The Solitaire Mystery and Maya
A new way of seeing the world
Is it a coincidence that I would one day
Marry a philosopher?
One day when
I was seventeen or eighteen
Thumbing through the Sydney Morning Herald
A section called
“Can You Judge A Book (By Its First Page)”
(Or something of the like)
The first page of a book
Followed by a review
“Wooooooo-
hoooooo what a fall what a soar what a plummet what a dash into dark into light what a plunge what a glide thud crash what a drop what a rush what a swoop what a fright what a mad hushed skirl what a smash mush mash-up broke and gashed what a heart in my mouth what an end.”
Ali Smith’s Hotel World
I would sporadically check the shelves in Dymocks
Fiction: Smi-
To see what else she had written
It made me want to write
My first published story was an imitation of its style
It led me to The Accidental and Like, and
Seventeen years later
Ali Smith is still writing and publishing and
I’m still reading every word
I don’t recall when I first came across Brain Pickings
Written/curated/nurtured
By the extraordinary Maria Popova
I think I was still in Sydney?
Or perhaps it was London?
The perils of the internet
Memory is different now
But at thirty-four
I read an excerpt of Popova’s Figuring
And knew it was another sparkling luminescence
I borrowed it from the library
And quickly realized I needed my own copy
It’s a brick of a book
I’ve lugged it around Manhattan and Brooklyn and Jersey
And even took it into the woods
The inter-weaving of science and art and literature and poetry
The stories of extraordinary women
Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Margaret Fuller, Maria Mitchell, George Sand, Rachel Carson
The role of the artist/scientist/author
To connect the dots
To illuminate
To shine
To help us figure out who we are.
- Published on
In Middlesex County, New Jersey
About thirty minutes from Elizabeth and
An hour from Manhattan
There is a park
Cheesequake
A strange word in English
Derived (stolen) from the Lenape words
Cheseh-oh-ke or Chichequaas or Chiskhakink
“Upland” or “land that has been cleared”
The land is now bordered
By freeways
And sliced through the middle
By the Garden State Parkway
Typical New Jersey
The intertwining of
Nature and industry
The park itself is beautiful
A “transitional zone of ecosystems”
Field and forest
Swamp and marsh
Pine barrens and lake
We hiked the trails
Blue and white
Breathing in the cool of the trees
The woodlands degrees cooler with
Thick rich green velvet mosses
Carpeting the bases of tree trunks
And covering the rocks
Fungis of different sizes and shapes
Lettuce-like hen of the woods, chip-like artist's conks
Parasitic ghost plants and tiny tawny grisettes
We tried to find the butterfly garden
But the weeds have obscured the path
The mountain bikers have overtaken that particular trail and
The garden is in disrepair
We came across a fallen tree, a giant now resting on its side
Its roots so thick it bought up the earth
We later learned it was a victim of Hurricane Sandy
Grasses are now growing on the wall of roots and earth
The resilience of nature
We sat by Perrine Pond
And watched an egret
Stalk her lunch in the water
We had our own lunch by the lake
And swam with tiny fishies
The water filled with pockets of warm and cold
Aaron cooked pork chops on the cast iron skillet above the coals
I added corn on the cob slathered in butter, sprinkled with salt
Is there anything more “American summer” than corn and an open fire?
The sun slipped away through the trees
The magical golden light of
Sunset in the woods
The extraordinary fireflies
Flitting and flirting
Bioluminescent bums in the darkening
Is it any wonder our ancestors believed in fairies?
In the night I had anxiety
It’s only a thin mesh tent between me and the
Bears or Human Predators Out There
Every crackle in the undergrowth
Surely a step closer to my demise
The bears did not eat me
But the mosquitos and gnats feasted
The proximity of the freeway meant we heard cars all through the night
I love waking up in the forest
The smell of earth
The remnants of last night’s fire
The coolness of the trees
I sat on a fallen trunk
And meditated on the moss
When we got home
The refrigerator, stove, and AC
Seemed like a miracle
I sometimes feel like I have a split personality
There’s Show Girl Me
She wants to see all the shows
Be in all the shows and
Live on Broadway forever and ever amen
And then there’s Forest Faery Me
Who wants to abandon society
And live off-grid
And commune with the trees
And the soil and
Know all the plants and flowers and creatures by name
I miss the woods
I miss the trees.
About thirty minutes from Elizabeth and
An hour from Manhattan
There is a park
Cheesequake
A strange word in English
Derived (stolen) from the Lenape words
Cheseh-oh-ke or Chichequaas or Chiskhakink
“Upland” or “land that has been cleared”
The land is now bordered
By freeways
And sliced through the middle
By the Garden State Parkway
Typical New Jersey
The intertwining of
Nature and industry
The park itself is beautiful
A “transitional zone of ecosystems”
Field and forest
Swamp and marsh
Pine barrens and lake
We hiked the trails
Blue and white
Breathing in the cool of the trees
The woodlands degrees cooler with
Thick rich green velvet mosses
Carpeting the bases of tree trunks
And covering the rocks
Fungis of different sizes and shapes
Lettuce-like hen of the woods, chip-like artist's conks
Parasitic ghost plants and tiny tawny grisettes
We tried to find the butterfly garden
But the weeds have obscured the path
The mountain bikers have overtaken that particular trail and
The garden is in disrepair
We came across a fallen tree, a giant now resting on its side
Its roots so thick it bought up the earth
We later learned it was a victim of Hurricane Sandy
Grasses are now growing on the wall of roots and earth
The resilience of nature
We sat by Perrine Pond
And watched an egret
Stalk her lunch in the water
We had our own lunch by the lake
And swam with tiny fishies
The water filled with pockets of warm and cold
Aaron cooked pork chops on the cast iron skillet above the coals
I added corn on the cob slathered in butter, sprinkled with salt
Is there anything more “American summer” than corn and an open fire?
The sun slipped away through the trees
The magical golden light of
Sunset in the woods
The extraordinary fireflies
Flitting and flirting
Bioluminescent bums in the darkening
Is it any wonder our ancestors believed in fairies?
In the night I had anxiety
It’s only a thin mesh tent between me and the
Bears or Human Predators Out There
Every crackle in the undergrowth
Surely a step closer to my demise
The bears did not eat me
But the mosquitos and gnats feasted
The proximity of the freeway meant we heard cars all through the night
I love waking up in the forest
The smell of earth
The remnants of last night’s fire
The coolness of the trees
I sat on a fallen trunk
And meditated on the moss
When we got home
The refrigerator, stove, and AC
Seemed like a miracle
I sometimes feel like I have a split personality
There’s Show Girl Me
She wants to see all the shows
Be in all the shows and
Live on Broadway forever and ever amen
And then there’s Forest Faery Me
Who wants to abandon society
And live off-grid
And commune with the trees
And the soil and
Know all the plants and flowers and creatures by name
I miss the woods
I miss the trees.
- Published on
Anyone who knows me
Knows I love theatre
I love going to it
I love being in it
I love making it
I love the romance
Of sitting in a darkened theatre
The audience in a reverent hush
Taking in the magic occurring on the stage
It’s easy for me to sit still for a couple of hours
Actually, I don’t like sitting still for a couple of hours
I need an intermission
I like hour long acts
I like it when the whole show is one in 90 minutes or less, no intermission needed
But sometimes I question it
Is it ok for me to go to theatre
When people are sleeping on the streets
When children are in cages
When people of color are being beaten
When basic human rights are unfulfilled and
Purposefully denied
On Friday I saw
Into the Woods Sr
A pilot program to bring theatre to senior citizens
The cast were all over 70 something
And their joy of being of stage
Of singing Sondheim’s delicious music
Was infectious
How often do you see the Baker’s Wife in a wheelchair?
Or the narrator’s words spoken in Mandarin?
How often do you see older bodies on stage?
On Sunday afternoon
We had a “relaxed performance” of Frozen
Hosted by TDF for an audience comprised of
People diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder
Or other sensitivity issues
The house lights were left up a little
The sound levels were lowered
There were Comfort Zones with play mats, and toys
And a purple army of volunteers
Handing out squishy toys and squishy stars
And providing extra assistance where needed
Guests who needed to talk or vocalize or clap loudly
Could
We had been told that Frozen is
A particularly special show for the autism community
They relate to Elsa
The lyrics take on new meaning
What do I know about love?
Am I a monster?
Let it go.
The cast could see the audience and
Even at the end of an 8 show week
The performances were extra special
On the back this month’s Playbill is an ad for HIV research
"Dear HIV, We didn't give up."
At the end of the show a young man came up to me
He pointed at the advert
“Never give up!” he said
With a big cheesy grin
He shook my hand
And gave me a big hug
Regular audiences don’t do that
We’re carefully taught to not display our emotions
Our joy
What do I know about love?
On Sunday night
I saw What the Constitution Means to Me
Written and performed by Heidi Schreck
And joined by Mike Iveson and Rosedely Ciprian
Gut wrenching, powerful, and compelling story-telling
Prescient and adaptive to current events
I didn’t know the American constitution could be so exciting
So infuriating
The rights of people
Who are The People?
Who is given access to the words?
Who is given access to theatrical world I love so much?
“Accessible theatre” is not just cheaper tickets
Who is speaking on the stage?
Whose voices do we hear?
Whose bodies do we see?
Is every seat in the house available to every person?
Is there an alternative to the steps?
Does the armrest move out of the way?
Is the seat wide enough?
Is it supportive?
Is there enough leg room?
Is the toilet cubicle wide enough if someone needs assistance?
How long is the wait for the toilet?
Will a guest miss some of the show because they're waiting for the toilet?
Can you make noise?
Can you express your emotions?
Can you check in with the person next to you?
Can you clap or cheer or dance?
Can you yell at the stage?
Can you rage at what is going on?
Knows I love theatre
I love going to it
I love being in it
I love making it
I love the romance
Of sitting in a darkened theatre
The audience in a reverent hush
Taking in the magic occurring on the stage
It’s easy for me to sit still for a couple of hours
Actually, I don’t like sitting still for a couple of hours
I need an intermission
I like hour long acts
I like it when the whole show is one in 90 minutes or less, no intermission needed
But sometimes I question it
Is it ok for me to go to theatre
When people are sleeping on the streets
When children are in cages
When people of color are being beaten
When basic human rights are unfulfilled and
Purposefully denied
On Friday I saw
Into the Woods Sr
A pilot program to bring theatre to senior citizens
The cast were all over 70 something
And their joy of being of stage
Of singing Sondheim’s delicious music
Was infectious
How often do you see the Baker’s Wife in a wheelchair?
Or the narrator’s words spoken in Mandarin?
How often do you see older bodies on stage?
On Sunday afternoon
We had a “relaxed performance” of Frozen
Hosted by TDF for an audience comprised of
People diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder
Or other sensitivity issues
The house lights were left up a little
The sound levels were lowered
There were Comfort Zones with play mats, and toys
And a purple army of volunteers
Handing out squishy toys and squishy stars
And providing extra assistance where needed
Guests who needed to talk or vocalize or clap loudly
Could
We had been told that Frozen is
A particularly special show for the autism community
They relate to Elsa
The lyrics take on new meaning
What do I know about love?
Am I a monster?
Let it go.
The cast could see the audience and
Even at the end of an 8 show week
The performances were extra special
On the back this month’s Playbill is an ad for HIV research
"Dear HIV, We didn't give up."
At the end of the show a young man came up to me
He pointed at the advert
“Never give up!” he said
With a big cheesy grin
He shook my hand
And gave me a big hug
Regular audiences don’t do that
We’re carefully taught to not display our emotions
Our joy
What do I know about love?
On Sunday night
I saw What the Constitution Means to Me
Written and performed by Heidi Schreck
And joined by Mike Iveson and Rosedely Ciprian
Gut wrenching, powerful, and compelling story-telling
Prescient and adaptive to current events
I didn’t know the American constitution could be so exciting
So infuriating
The rights of people
Who are The People?
Who is given access to the words?
Who is given access to theatrical world I love so much?
“Accessible theatre” is not just cheaper tickets
Who is speaking on the stage?
Whose voices do we hear?
Whose bodies do we see?
Is every seat in the house available to every person?
Is there an alternative to the steps?
Does the armrest move out of the way?
Is the seat wide enough?
Is it supportive?
Is there enough leg room?
Is the toilet cubicle wide enough if someone needs assistance?
How long is the wait for the toilet?
Will a guest miss some of the show because they're waiting for the toilet?
Can you make noise?
Can you express your emotions?
Can you check in with the person next to you?
Can you clap or cheer or dance?
Can you yell at the stage?
Can you rage at what is going on?
- Published on
It was a year of trying and a trying year.
In January
I performed The Big C Cabaret with Neil
Met with an agent
Got acting coaching
Went to BroadwayCon
Went running even when it was -6ºC
Spoke on Aaron’s podcast Embrace the Void
Saw Amy and the Orphans and Il Trovatore at the Met Opera and
Ran a total of 22.59km.
In February
I sang in a small ensemble for MasterVoices and
Took sight singing lessons
We delighted at Spongebob Squarepants the Musical and Farinelli and the King
I was astonished by Eve Ensler’s In the Body of the World
I was plagued by self doubt, anxiety, and depression
I was terrified I had breast cancer
I ran 35.71km,
In March
I performed in the MasterVoices “Our America” concert
Started rehearsals for a new show
Created a patreon account for Filmed Live Musicals
Saw Hello, Dolly! with Bernadette Peters, Children of a Lesser God, and the gorgeous
My Fair Lady at Lincoln Center
I was told by my primary care provider to take an iron tablet when I scared I was relapsing
Ran 51.60km.
In April
I worked my first Broadway opening, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, and got to go to the best after party I’ve ever been to
I read for an MFA directing class
Rehearsed for the new show and MasterVoices’ "Orphic Moments"
I visited the Paley Center
Did a few shifts at Frozen
Saw Romeo et Juliette at The Met
Attended two casting director workshops
Started doing scheduled tweets for Filmed Live Musicals
Ran 60.94km
Had anxiety.
In May
I did 2 casting director workshops
We went house hunting in New Jersey
I taught voice lessons and
Performed in "Orphic Moments" with MasterVoices at Alice Tully Hall
Survived a difficult theatre experience which was also my first paid acting job in New York
Saw Salty directed by Benita DeWitt
Ran the Brooklyn Half Marathon
Launched the Patreon for Filmed Live Musicals
Briefly attended the Central School of Speech and Drama New York reunion before running off to chorus rehearsal
Brunched with Fernando
Submitted self-tapes
Ran 44.71km.
In June
We moved to West New York, New Jersey
We had fun building IKEA furniture
Performed in "Naamah’s Ark" with MasterVoices
I spoke and sang at the MSK Survivorship event and
Looked after Aaron after he had surgery
Ran the Achilles 4 miler
Felt tired and overwhelmed
Felt inspired and excited
Went to 2 casting director workshops
Saw Bandstand at the cinema
Ran 31.42km.
In July
Went to 2 casting director/management workshops
Got a callback for a new musical, but didn’t get cast
Played piano
Moved to the St James
Saw Billy Joel at Madison Square Gardens, and
Bette Midler in Hello, Dolly! (again)
Went to my friend’s book launch and
Celebrated my 4th cancerversary
We had picnics by the river and
I ran 43.53km.
In August
I reveled in long runs
I started singing with Garfield
Performed The Big C Cabaret again
Saw the phenomenal Mairi Dorman-Phaneuf at Birdland with Erica
Got the worst tummy virus I’ve ever had
Saw Getting the Band Back Together and On a Clear Day You Can See Forever and
“In the Name of the Earth” at the Cathedral of St John the Divine
We played tourist in New York and did our best to escape the heat
We went to the Natural History Museum with Tamara and finally saw the whale
I saw Fiddler on the Roof in Yiddish and bawled my eyes out
I ran 66.63km.
In September
Aaron took my to my first Ren Faire and I discovered a not-so-hidden desire to be a fairy in the woods
I dealt with depression
Sang
Went to auditions
Performed at The Stonewall Inn
Auditioned for something I’d waited almost a year to audition for, and was told I was not at all what they wanted
Saw Head Over Heels and Straight White Men
Celebrated my birthday at the Call it Love concert reading with Chilina Kennedy Jen Colella
Went to Be More Chill with Aaron and Emma and felt old
Saw 12 Angry Men with Women on Broadway with my new running/theatre friend Jenni
Ran 123.4km.
In October
I went to a casting director workshop
Filmed a scene for an NYU film study class
Became a standardized patient for medical student training
Began work on The Camino Project
Went to auditions
Performed The Big C Cabaret as a fundraiser for Fred’s Team
Taught voice lessons
Began learning how to sing Handel
Saw The Hysteria of Dr Faustus
Listen…Can You Hear Me Now?
Plot Points in Our Sexual Development
King Kong, and
School Girls or the African Mean Girls Play and promised to support/read anything ever written by Jocelyn Bioh.
I dressed up as Day of the Dead Mary Poppins for the work Halloween party
I ran 54.09km
In November
I ran the NYC Marathon with Fred’s Team and raised $4770 for leukemia research at Memorial Sloan Kettering
I attended a manager workshop
I auditioned, finally got cast in something and had to turn it down
I worked on The Camino Project
I saw Everybody’s Talking About Jamie and The King and I at the cinema
I saw Bernhardt/Hamlet
Fireflies
James and the Giant Peach
Performed "Israel in Egypt" at Carnegie Hall with MasterVoices
Made the most delicious Thanksgiving fondue in a bread bowl with my love
And celebrated 5 years of marriage.
In December
I stopped by Tonya’s baby shower
Spent 3 glorious days immersed in a workshop for The Camino Project
Began training for the Queen’s Marathon
Saw Best Life starring Tamar Broadbent,
Yule Your Kingdom with Lesli Margherita
Ragtag Theatre’s Snow White
To Kill a Mockingbird and
Mary Poppins Returns
Went to auditions
I ran 39.57km
Spent Christmas in Richmond and
Finished the year watching Beetlejuice and A League of Their Own.
In between there were morning pages and thankfulness and meditation. Singing practice. Wanting to play piano and flute. Wanting more lessons. Submissions and auditions and callbacks. There was cooking in the Instant Pot and homemade ice cream and learning to make cashew milk. There were many hours spent in various branches of the New York Public Library, and Bryant Park.
We watched The Wire, The Marvelous Mrs Maisel, Last Week Tonight, The Good Place, Bojack Horseman, Big Mouth, Jane the Virgin, and Crazy Ex Girlfriend.
I read Mary Poppins, Saplings, James and the Giant Peach, Dirt Witch, Specimen Days, Wolves and Honey, White Teeth, Time out, Maya, Outliers, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and The Solitaire Mystery.
I ran a total of 626.32km/381.1miles, give or take. I ran through Brooklyn and Prospect Park. I ran along the Hudson. I ran under bright blue skies, in pouring rain, and in the snow.
There was anxiety about doing enough, being enough
about looking after myself and
dealing with the US healthcare system
about the state of the world and Syria and and plastics
and not being social enough
about family
about how to spend my time
about purpose
about who I am
about being good and doing the right thing
There was resentment about having to work when there are a million things I’d rather be doing.
There was working on The Camino Project
and Filmed Live Musicals
and wanting to write about musicals and movie musicals and live theatre.
I finish 2018 with
the desire to read all the books
to create new work
respond to the world
take all the classes
explore
eat well
look after myself
be a good wife
run marathons
fundraise
grow my own food
be a good person in my community
keep trying.
The end. Until next year.
In January
I performed The Big C Cabaret with Neil
Met with an agent
Got acting coaching
Went to BroadwayCon
Went running even when it was -6ºC
Spoke on Aaron’s podcast Embrace the Void
Saw Amy and the Orphans and Il Trovatore at the Met Opera and
Ran a total of 22.59km.
In February
I sang in a small ensemble for MasterVoices and
Took sight singing lessons
We delighted at Spongebob Squarepants the Musical and Farinelli and the King
I was astonished by Eve Ensler’s In the Body of the World
I was plagued by self doubt, anxiety, and depression
I was terrified I had breast cancer
I ran 35.71km,
In March
I performed in the MasterVoices “Our America” concert
Started rehearsals for a new show
Created a patreon account for Filmed Live Musicals
Saw Hello, Dolly! with Bernadette Peters, Children of a Lesser God, and the gorgeous
My Fair Lady at Lincoln Center
I was told by my primary care provider to take an iron tablet when I scared I was relapsing
Ran 51.60km.
In April
I worked my first Broadway opening, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, and got to go to the best after party I’ve ever been to
I read for an MFA directing class
Rehearsed for the new show and MasterVoices’ "Orphic Moments"
I visited the Paley Center
Did a few shifts at Frozen
Saw Romeo et Juliette at The Met
Attended two casting director workshops
Started doing scheduled tweets for Filmed Live Musicals
Ran 60.94km
Had anxiety.
In May
I did 2 casting director workshops
We went house hunting in New Jersey
I taught voice lessons and
Performed in "Orphic Moments" with MasterVoices at Alice Tully Hall
Survived a difficult theatre experience which was also my first paid acting job in New York
Saw Salty directed by Benita DeWitt
Ran the Brooklyn Half Marathon
Launched the Patreon for Filmed Live Musicals
Briefly attended the Central School of Speech and Drama New York reunion before running off to chorus rehearsal
Brunched with Fernando
Submitted self-tapes
Ran 44.71km.
In June
We moved to West New York, New Jersey
We had fun building IKEA furniture
Performed in "Naamah’s Ark" with MasterVoices
I spoke and sang at the MSK Survivorship event and
Looked after Aaron after he had surgery
Ran the Achilles 4 miler
Felt tired and overwhelmed
Felt inspired and excited
Went to 2 casting director workshops
Saw Bandstand at the cinema
Ran 31.42km.
In July
Went to 2 casting director/management workshops
Got a callback for a new musical, but didn’t get cast
Played piano
Moved to the St James
Saw Billy Joel at Madison Square Gardens, and
Bette Midler in Hello, Dolly! (again)
Went to my friend’s book launch and
Celebrated my 4th cancerversary
We had picnics by the river and
I ran 43.53km.
In August
I reveled in long runs
I started singing with Garfield
Performed The Big C Cabaret again
Saw the phenomenal Mairi Dorman-Phaneuf at Birdland with Erica
Got the worst tummy virus I’ve ever had
Saw Getting the Band Back Together and On a Clear Day You Can See Forever and
“In the Name of the Earth” at the Cathedral of St John the Divine
We played tourist in New York and did our best to escape the heat
We went to the Natural History Museum with Tamara and finally saw the whale
I saw Fiddler on the Roof in Yiddish and bawled my eyes out
I ran 66.63km.
In September
Aaron took my to my first Ren Faire and I discovered a not-so-hidden desire to be a fairy in the woods
I dealt with depression
Sang
Went to auditions
Performed at The Stonewall Inn
Auditioned for something I’d waited almost a year to audition for, and was told I was not at all what they wanted
Saw Head Over Heels and Straight White Men
Celebrated my birthday at the Call it Love concert reading with Chilina Kennedy Jen Colella
Went to Be More Chill with Aaron and Emma and felt old
Saw 12 Angry Men with Women on Broadway with my new running/theatre friend Jenni
Ran 123.4km.
In October
I went to a casting director workshop
Filmed a scene for an NYU film study class
Became a standardized patient for medical student training
Began work on The Camino Project
Went to auditions
Performed The Big C Cabaret as a fundraiser for Fred’s Team
Taught voice lessons
Began learning how to sing Handel
Saw The Hysteria of Dr Faustus
Listen…Can You Hear Me Now?
Plot Points in Our Sexual Development
King Kong, and
School Girls or the African Mean Girls Play and promised to support/read anything ever written by Jocelyn Bioh.
I dressed up as Day of the Dead Mary Poppins for the work Halloween party
I ran 54.09km
In November
I ran the NYC Marathon with Fred’s Team and raised $4770 for leukemia research at Memorial Sloan Kettering
I attended a manager workshop
I auditioned, finally got cast in something and had to turn it down
I worked on The Camino Project
I saw Everybody’s Talking About Jamie and The King and I at the cinema
I saw Bernhardt/Hamlet
Fireflies
James and the Giant Peach
Performed "Israel in Egypt" at Carnegie Hall with MasterVoices
Made the most delicious Thanksgiving fondue in a bread bowl with my love
And celebrated 5 years of marriage.
In December
I stopped by Tonya’s baby shower
Spent 3 glorious days immersed in a workshop for The Camino Project
Began training for the Queen’s Marathon
Saw Best Life starring Tamar Broadbent,
Yule Your Kingdom with Lesli Margherita
Ragtag Theatre’s Snow White
To Kill a Mockingbird and
Mary Poppins Returns
Went to auditions
I ran 39.57km
Spent Christmas in Richmond and
Finished the year watching Beetlejuice and A League of Their Own.
In between there were morning pages and thankfulness and meditation. Singing practice. Wanting to play piano and flute. Wanting more lessons. Submissions and auditions and callbacks. There was cooking in the Instant Pot and homemade ice cream and learning to make cashew milk. There were many hours spent in various branches of the New York Public Library, and Bryant Park.
We watched The Wire, The Marvelous Mrs Maisel, Last Week Tonight, The Good Place, Bojack Horseman, Big Mouth, Jane the Virgin, and Crazy Ex Girlfriend.
I read Mary Poppins, Saplings, James and the Giant Peach, Dirt Witch, Specimen Days, Wolves and Honey, White Teeth, Time out, Maya, Outliers, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and The Solitaire Mystery.
I ran a total of 626.32km/381.1miles, give or take. I ran through Brooklyn and Prospect Park. I ran along the Hudson. I ran under bright blue skies, in pouring rain, and in the snow.
There was anxiety about doing enough, being enough
about looking after myself and
dealing with the US healthcare system
about the state of the world and Syria and and plastics
and not being social enough
about family
about how to spend my time
about purpose
about who I am
about being good and doing the right thing
There was resentment about having to work when there are a million things I’d rather be doing.
There was working on The Camino Project
and Filmed Live Musicals
and wanting to write about musicals and movie musicals and live theatre.
I finish 2018 with
the desire to read all the books
to create new work
respond to the world
take all the classes
explore
eat well
look after myself
be a good wife
run marathons
fundraise
grow my own food
be a good person in my community
keep trying.
The end. Until next year.
- Published on
I just saw The King and I at the cinema
The London production, filmed live
I bawled my eyes out for the last 20 minutes or so
What is it that moves me so much?
Is it Rodgers and Hammerstein’s glorious score?
The beautiful production values and the delight of watching a stunning ensemble move together with grace and power creating a world so far beyond your own?
Or is it the sublime Kelli O’Hara who it seems can do anything?
Or is it knowing that Ken Watanabe is also a leukemia survivor?
Is it knowing the unimaginable grief Ruthie Ann Miles has endured in the past year and that she can be there on that stage delivering a performance of such strength and emotional nuance
Is it the memory of watching the Lincoln Center production knowing abuela was dying?
The memories of sitting in her living room and watching it on VHS
She would have loved this production
Or is it that I’m at a crossroads
Choosing between passions
Research on the one hand
Acting on the other
I’ve tried this year to do both
And I’m burnt out
Feeling like I haven’t done either properly
And it feels like it is time to choose
Which direction to go in
That will make my heart and soul happy?
Etc etc etc
The London production, filmed live
I bawled my eyes out for the last 20 minutes or so
What is it that moves me so much?
Is it Rodgers and Hammerstein’s glorious score?
The beautiful production values and the delight of watching a stunning ensemble move together with grace and power creating a world so far beyond your own?
Or is it the sublime Kelli O’Hara who it seems can do anything?
Or is it knowing that Ken Watanabe is also a leukemia survivor?
Is it knowing the unimaginable grief Ruthie Ann Miles has endured in the past year and that she can be there on that stage delivering a performance of such strength and emotional nuance
Is it the memory of watching the Lincoln Center production knowing abuela was dying?
The memories of sitting in her living room and watching it on VHS
She would have loved this production
Or is it that I’m at a crossroads
Choosing between passions
Research on the one hand
Acting on the other
I’ve tried this year to do both
And I’m burnt out
Feeling like I haven’t done either properly
And it feels like it is time to choose
Which direction to go in
That will make my heart and soul happy?
Etc etc etc
- Published on
We rang in the New Year
Watching Singin’ In the Rain in Richmond
Aaron and I finally got our honeymoon
Thanks to the generosity of the Sloan Kettering Dream Team
Several blissful days in the gorgeous glorious Guana
Our friend Molly turned 21
I nerded out at BroadwayCon
Worked at Lincoln Center
Worked at the Lyric
Registered for the Brooklyn Half
Rehearsed with the Cecilia Chorus
In February
I kept singing at Cecilia rehearsals
Ran the Al Gordon 4mile race in Prospect Park
Worked at the Lyric and David Geffen Hall
Tried to get my vocal cords checked
Tried to get my eyes checked
Started auditioning again and
Saw Sunset Boulevard with Glenn Close
In March
We saw The Moors
I saw Hello, Dolly! with Bette Midler, Anastasia with Caroline O’Connor, and The Glass Menagerie with Sally Field.
I performed in Oedipus the King with the Cecilia Chorus
Did a networking night through ActorDash
Took a film acting class with Jason Chaet
Kept auditioning and
Started voice lessons again
Worked as an extra on VEEP and
Tried to find counseling that would accept my insurance,
Finally got new reading glasses
In April
We saw Come From Away, Groundhog Day, War Paint (sans Patti, with Christine), The Price, and Natasha, Pierre, and the Comet of 1812 (with Josh Groban)
I finally started seeing a counselor
Tried to find a voice therapist
Ran the UAE Healthy Kidney 10km and the Run as One 4-miler
In May
I went to another networking night with ActorDash
Performed in A Garden Among the Flames with the Cecilia Chorus at Carnegie Hall
Volunteered at the Japan Run in Central Park and handed out hundreds of cups of water
Worked at the St. James Theatre
Saw War Paint again, this time with Patti and Christine, and my friend Danni be incredible in the The Cagebirds.
I ran the Brooklyn Half Marathon and was surprised I wasn’t dead.
Visited Rachel and Justin in Boston
And once again had visions of moving to the woods of Maine
I taught a class at Baruch and
Started working at the Stephen Sondheim
I fell madly in love with Beautiful and
Told my doctor I had signed up for the NYC Marathon
In the summer
We said goodbye to G'Pa
"Attending" his funeral via skype was surreal and painful and sad.
I ran the NYRR Retro 5-miler, the New York Mini 10km and the New Milford 8
I watched the Ernest Shakleton Loves Me Livestream and the Tony Awards
I saw Marvin’s Room and
Did my first Broadway audition
I worked as an extra on The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, wearing wool in Washington Square Park on a 90 degree day
We shaved off all my hair on Facebook Live and
Went nervously back to camp
I played in a flute quartet, sang for the first time in public since Stupid Cancer
Conducted Tommy and The Wizard of Oz and taught voice lessons galore
We went camping in the woods
I had visions of abandoning my life to become a park ranger live among the pine trees.
At home, I did the Audition Rep Matchmaker course on auditioning
I went to my first casting director workshop with Alexis Atkinson
In September
We saw Brian be delightful in Addy and Uno and
Marc be astonishing in The Climbers
I participated in a reading of Al Monaco’s The Tesseract
I performed in the Cranky Cabaret and
Ran the Bronx 10 miler
I renewed my Australian passport
And joined the MasterVoices chorus
I did a musical theatre workshop with music director Carmel Dean
In October
I ran the Staten Island Half in the pouring rain
Saw Hungry Like the Wolk, Game of Thrones the Parody Musical, and Where Angels Fear to Tread
I did three more casting director workshops — Brette Goldstein, Freya Krasnow, and Allison Kirschner.
I did an agent’s night
I flew across the country and hung out with my little little sister in La La Land
I meditated in a beautiful garden and ran beside the Pacific Ocean
Saw Bright Star again
Back on the east coast, we celebrated our friends’ wedding and
The next day were told we were not invited back to camp.
In November
I sang in Of Thee I Sing at Carnegie Hall and
Ran the NYC Marathon with Fred’s Team and raised over $7500 for leukemia research at Sloan Kettering
We celebrated Jesse’s 60th with the Museum of the Moving Image and amazing Greek food
I saw a reading of Hatef**** at the Women’s Project, Once on This Island, and the National Theatre’s live broadcast of Follies
I did a workshop with Broadway director Marc Bruni
Aaron and I celebrated four years of marriage
With a visit to the Museum of Sex and dinner at Purple Yam
I ran the Turkey Trot 5 miler in Prospect Park and
At last received my permanent resident card
In December
I was published the on Audition Rep Matchmaker blog and
Finally launched Filmed Live Musicals
I performed in The Nightmare Before Christmas Concert at the Barclay Center
And despite being sick, had the most fun performing I’ve had in a long time
I went to the Barbara Cook Tribute at Lincoln Center
I saw The Band’s Visit, Avenue Q, and Lesli Margherita in Who’s Holiday
We saw the Christmas lights in Dyker Heights and had Chinese delivered in.
This year I ran over 800km/500 miles
Coincidentally, the approximate distance of the Camino de Santiago
I ran in Prospect Park and through the streets of Brooklyn
I ran along the Atlantic and Pacific oceans
I ran through the woods of Maine and Connecticut
I ran my first goddamn marathon and it was glorious
I got my singing voice back and wrote a cabaret
Worked at Paramour, Beautiful, Present Laughter, and the New York Philharmonic
Auditioned for plays and musicals and short films and indie projects
I had debilitating depression and anxiety
There were days when I could barely get out of bed
And when I did, I would break down at the front door
I read Born to Run, Jim Henson: The Biography, and Radical Remission,
Gloria Steinem, Heather Lyn Mann, Ali Smith, A.S. Byatt and a total of
Twenty-six plays — including Starting Monday by Anne Commire
It had me so engrossed I caught the wrong train and ended up halfway to JFK.
In between all the things
We spent countless hours dealing with health insurance
I sat quietly as I could in our room while Aaron recorded his excellent podcast
Embrace the Void
We watched Bojack Horseman, Broad City, Jane the Virgin, Master of None, Mozart in the Jungle, Santa Clarita Diet, The Crown, and The Good Wife.
We shopped at the Cortelyou Road farmers’ market every Sunday morning and
Made bread, hummus, chilli, and dumplings
I wondered why I was doing what I’m doing
Working for low pay and pursuing a career
Thousands upon thousands want
But only a few get
In the last moments of the year,
A patron at the theatre asked me
“How do you stay so happy doing this every day?”
And without thinking I said
“Because I love it.”
Sometimes it is hard and depressing and crushing
But when you get to do the thing,
The singing and telling stories and being around people,
It’s all worth it
I am so fortunate to be here
I’m healthy
I have the most astonishing, clever, wonderful person by my side
We have a roof over our heads, and a lovely one at that
In the mornings, the sun streams into our nook
And the light,
It is lovely
The end
(until next year).
Watching Singin’ In the Rain in Richmond
Aaron and I finally got our honeymoon
Thanks to the generosity of the Sloan Kettering Dream Team
Several blissful days in the gorgeous glorious Guana
Our friend Molly turned 21
I nerded out at BroadwayCon
Worked at Lincoln Center
Worked at the Lyric
Registered for the Brooklyn Half
Rehearsed with the Cecilia Chorus
In February
I kept singing at Cecilia rehearsals
Ran the Al Gordon 4mile race in Prospect Park
Worked at the Lyric and David Geffen Hall
Tried to get my vocal cords checked
Tried to get my eyes checked
Started auditioning again and
Saw Sunset Boulevard with Glenn Close
In March
We saw The Moors
I saw Hello, Dolly! with Bette Midler, Anastasia with Caroline O’Connor, and The Glass Menagerie with Sally Field.
I performed in Oedipus the King with the Cecilia Chorus
Did a networking night through ActorDash
Took a film acting class with Jason Chaet
Kept auditioning and
Started voice lessons again
Worked as an extra on VEEP and
Tried to find counseling that would accept my insurance,
Finally got new reading glasses
In April
We saw Come From Away, Groundhog Day, War Paint (sans Patti, with Christine), The Price, and Natasha, Pierre, and the Comet of 1812 (with Josh Groban)
I finally started seeing a counselor
Tried to find a voice therapist
Ran the UAE Healthy Kidney 10km and the Run as One 4-miler
In May
I went to another networking night with ActorDash
Performed in A Garden Among the Flames with the Cecilia Chorus at Carnegie Hall
Volunteered at the Japan Run in Central Park and handed out hundreds of cups of water
Worked at the St. James Theatre
Saw War Paint again, this time with Patti and Christine, and my friend Danni be incredible in the The Cagebirds.
I ran the Brooklyn Half Marathon and was surprised I wasn’t dead.
Visited Rachel and Justin in Boston
And once again had visions of moving to the woods of Maine
I taught a class at Baruch and
Started working at the Stephen Sondheim
I fell madly in love with Beautiful and
Told my doctor I had signed up for the NYC Marathon
In the summer
We said goodbye to G'Pa
"Attending" his funeral via skype was surreal and painful and sad.
I ran the NYRR Retro 5-miler, the New York Mini 10km and the New Milford 8
I watched the Ernest Shakleton Loves Me Livestream and the Tony Awards
I saw Marvin’s Room and
Did my first Broadway audition
I worked as an extra on The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, wearing wool in Washington Square Park on a 90 degree day
We shaved off all my hair on Facebook Live and
Went nervously back to camp
I played in a flute quartet, sang for the first time in public since Stupid Cancer
Conducted Tommy and The Wizard of Oz and taught voice lessons galore
We went camping in the woods
I had visions of abandoning my life to become a park ranger live among the pine trees.
At home, I did the Audition Rep Matchmaker course on auditioning
I went to my first casting director workshop with Alexis Atkinson
In September
We saw Brian be delightful in Addy and Uno and
Marc be astonishing in The Climbers
I participated in a reading of Al Monaco’s The Tesseract
I performed in the Cranky Cabaret and
Ran the Bronx 10 miler
I renewed my Australian passport
And joined the MasterVoices chorus
I did a musical theatre workshop with music director Carmel Dean
In October
I ran the Staten Island Half in the pouring rain
Saw Hungry Like the Wolk, Game of Thrones the Parody Musical, and Where Angels Fear to Tread
I did three more casting director workshops — Brette Goldstein, Freya Krasnow, and Allison Kirschner.
I did an agent’s night
I flew across the country and hung out with my little little sister in La La Land
I meditated in a beautiful garden and ran beside the Pacific Ocean
Saw Bright Star again
Back on the east coast, we celebrated our friends’ wedding and
The next day were told we were not invited back to camp.
In November
I sang in Of Thee I Sing at Carnegie Hall and
Ran the NYC Marathon with Fred’s Team and raised over $7500 for leukemia research at Sloan Kettering
We celebrated Jesse’s 60th with the Museum of the Moving Image and amazing Greek food
I saw a reading of Hatef**** at the Women’s Project, Once on This Island, and the National Theatre’s live broadcast of Follies
I did a workshop with Broadway director Marc Bruni
Aaron and I celebrated four years of marriage
With a visit to the Museum of Sex and dinner at Purple Yam
I ran the Turkey Trot 5 miler in Prospect Park and
At last received my permanent resident card
In December
I was published the on Audition Rep Matchmaker blog and
Finally launched Filmed Live Musicals
I performed in The Nightmare Before Christmas Concert at the Barclay Center
And despite being sick, had the most fun performing I’ve had in a long time
I went to the Barbara Cook Tribute at Lincoln Center
I saw The Band’s Visit, Avenue Q, and Lesli Margherita in Who’s Holiday
We saw the Christmas lights in Dyker Heights and had Chinese delivered in.
This year I ran over 800km/500 miles
Coincidentally, the approximate distance of the Camino de Santiago
I ran in Prospect Park and through the streets of Brooklyn
I ran along the Atlantic and Pacific oceans
I ran through the woods of Maine and Connecticut
I ran my first goddamn marathon and it was glorious
I got my singing voice back and wrote a cabaret
Worked at Paramour, Beautiful, Present Laughter, and the New York Philharmonic
Auditioned for plays and musicals and short films and indie projects
I had debilitating depression and anxiety
There were days when I could barely get out of bed
And when I did, I would break down at the front door
I read Born to Run, Jim Henson: The Biography, and Radical Remission,
Gloria Steinem, Heather Lyn Mann, Ali Smith, A.S. Byatt and a total of
Twenty-six plays — including Starting Monday by Anne Commire
It had me so engrossed I caught the wrong train and ended up halfway to JFK.
In between all the things
We spent countless hours dealing with health insurance
I sat quietly as I could in our room while Aaron recorded his excellent podcast
Embrace the Void
We watched Bojack Horseman, Broad City, Jane the Virgin, Master of None, Mozart in the Jungle, Santa Clarita Diet, The Crown, and The Good Wife.
We shopped at the Cortelyou Road farmers’ market every Sunday morning and
Made bread, hummus, chilli, and dumplings
I wondered why I was doing what I’m doing
Working for low pay and pursuing a career
Thousands upon thousands want
But only a few get
In the last moments of the year,
A patron at the theatre asked me
“How do you stay so happy doing this every day?”
And without thinking I said
“Because I love it.”
Sometimes it is hard and depressing and crushing
But when you get to do the thing,
The singing and telling stories and being around people,
It’s all worth it
I am so fortunate to be here
I’m healthy
I have the most astonishing, clever, wonderful person by my side
We have a roof over our heads, and a lovely one at that
In the mornings, the sun streams into our nook
And the light,
It is lovely
The end
(until next year).
- Published on
The Cairn.
2008: The First Walk
Seven years ago I walked the Camino, a 500 mile pilgrimage across northern rural Spain, for the first time. I walked it with my then boyfriend. We were on a year long holiday around the world. The Camino seemed like a great way to see Spain.
The Cruz de Ferro marks one of the highest points on The Way. Traditionally you bring a stone from home and place it at the base of the cross, leaving with it your troubles, sadness, and worries.
Over half-way into our walk, we reached Rabanal, one of the last towns before the Cruz de Ferro. I tossed and turned all through the night, wondering what I would leave behind. In the early hours of the morning, I had an epiphany. If I left a grievance behind, I would have to come back every year to absolve whatever else had come up in my life. I had been listening to a lot of Alanis Morissette, and her song thank u had been on heavy replay. I decided instead of pain/sorrow/anger, I would leave something that I would carry with me from that day forward: gratitude.
I wrote a note -
The Cruz de Ferro marks one of the highest points on The Way. Traditionally you bring a stone from home and place it at the base of the cross, leaving with it your troubles, sadness, and worries.
Over half-way into our walk, we reached Rabanal, one of the last towns before the Cruz de Ferro. I tossed and turned all through the night, wondering what I would leave behind. In the early hours of the morning, I had an epiphany. If I left a grievance behind, I would have to come back every year to absolve whatever else had come up in my life. I had been listening to a lot of Alanis Morissette, and her song thank u had been on heavy replay. I decided instead of pain/sorrow/anger, I would leave something that I would carry with me from that day forward: gratitude.
I wrote a note -
Dear Universe,
For being
My soul
For love
For energy
For strength
For knowledge
Thank you.
For being
My soul
For love
For energy
For strength
For knowledge
Thank you.
We passed through Foncebadon, a once abandoned town, now with a thriving hippy albergue decked out with prayer flags and offering homemade granola. We stopped for breakfast, charmed by the quaintness of the albergue and the remoteness of the tiny pueblo.
Less than an hour later, we arrived at the famed cross. It looked like a rubbish dump. Bits of ribbon and remnants of flags, t-shirts, rags, letters and notes, Jesus cards, and candy wrappers littered the base. A tourist bus pulled up. We decided to keep walking.
Our guidebook had mentioned a point about a kilometer on from the cross that was the true highest point of the Camino. It was off the path a little way, and marked by a large cairn. We reached the cairn. No one was there except for us. I mailed my note to the universe through a crack in the cairn.
My gratitude prayer became my mantra. Each line meant different things to me at different times in the following years. I often wrote out all the things and people I was grateful for. All the things I was glad I knew. It became a personal meditation.
Less than an hour later, we arrived at the famed cross. It looked like a rubbish dump. Bits of ribbon and remnants of flags, t-shirts, rags, letters and notes, Jesus cards, and candy wrappers littered the base. A tourist bus pulled up. We decided to keep walking.
Our guidebook had mentioned a point about a kilometer on from the cross that was the true highest point of the Camino. It was off the path a little way, and marked by a large cairn. We reached the cairn. No one was there except for us. I mailed my note to the universe through a crack in the cairn.
My gratitude prayer became my mantra. Each line meant different things to me at different times in the following years. I often wrote out all the things and people I was grateful for. All the things I was glad I knew. It became a personal meditation.
2013: The Second Walk
Two years ago, I returned to El Camino. It had kept calling me in the intervening five years. I frequently dreamt about it. Waiting for my visa to move to the US and be with my new love, I quit my job in London, packed my backpack, and once again donned my walking boots. My whole world had changed since I had last walked most of the width of northern Spain. My heart had been broken, but I had healed and moved on. I had moved to London, gone to drama school, fallen in love, and I was about to move to America. I thought about Alanis and how her music had been with me through it all.
I made a friend along the way. We ended up walking the rest of the way together. In Rabanal, I once again thought about what I would leave at the cross, or at my cairn. I realized I still wanted to leave behind, and bring with me, gratitude.
We reached Foncebadon. A new albergue had sprung up. We stopped to use the facilities. As we were leaving the pueblo, I decided to pop into the “old” albergue to see if it had retained its hippy vibe. The layout had changed, but they were still offering granola and herbal tea. I noticed music was playing.
Of all the songs that exist in the world, of all the songs that could have been playing in that moment, as I happened to be passing through unannounced, the one song playing on the radio, I absolutely kid you not, was Alanis Morrissette’s thank u. I burst into tears.
The Cruz de Ferro had been tidied up. It felt less touristy somehow. I stood and watched as a woman quietly prayed and sobbed at the base. The cairn took a little hunting. We found it. Still sitting perched on top of the mountain as it had been five years ago. And for how many years before that. I spoke my prayer this time. Thank you for letting me be here.
I made a friend along the way. We ended up walking the rest of the way together. In Rabanal, I once again thought about what I would leave at the cross, or at my cairn. I realized I still wanted to leave behind, and bring with me, gratitude.
We reached Foncebadon. A new albergue had sprung up. We stopped to use the facilities. As we were leaving the pueblo, I decided to pop into the “old” albergue to see if it had retained its hippy vibe. The layout had changed, but they were still offering granola and herbal tea. I noticed music was playing.
Of all the songs that exist in the world, of all the songs that could have been playing in that moment, as I happened to be passing through unannounced, the one song playing on the radio, I absolutely kid you not, was Alanis Morrissette’s thank u. I burst into tears.
The Cruz de Ferro had been tidied up. It felt less touristy somehow. I stood and watched as a woman quietly prayed and sobbed at the base. The cairn took a little hunting. We found it. Still sitting perched on top of the mountain as it had been five years ago. And for how many years before that. I spoke my prayer this time. Thank you for letting me be here.
2015: The Next Walk
Now it is two years later, and today is the anniversary of walking through Foncebadon, hearing thank u, reaching the Cruz de Ferro, and re-visiting the cairn.
My world view has completely changed again in those intervening two years. I’m married. I’m living in New York. I have survived leukemia. I no longer believe in “the universe”. I no longer believe in karma or fairness (though I still think we should be nice to each other, because the alternative is just awful). My gratitude prayer no longer holds resonance in the way that it did. I still believe in musicals.
There have been days in the past year when I have not felt lucky to be alive. I have wished that I had refused treatment. I have wished that I could just fall asleep and never wake up again. I have felt trapped, angry, sad, frustrated, and everything in between.
I have also felt deeply loved. Deeply held. Deeply supported. It is an awful cliche, but there is no denying it: cancer, particularly in the brutal form of leukemia, is life changing. It has taken my life away. It has given me a whole new one.
El Camino no longer calls me. But a new journey is about to start. I just don’t know what it is yet.
My world view has completely changed again in those intervening two years. I’m married. I’m living in New York. I have survived leukemia. I no longer believe in “the universe”. I no longer believe in karma or fairness (though I still think we should be nice to each other, because the alternative is just awful). My gratitude prayer no longer holds resonance in the way that it did. I still believe in musicals.
There have been days in the past year when I have not felt lucky to be alive. I have wished that I had refused treatment. I have wished that I could just fall asleep and never wake up again. I have felt trapped, angry, sad, frustrated, and everything in between.
I have also felt deeply loved. Deeply held. Deeply supported. It is an awful cliche, but there is no denying it: cancer, particularly in the brutal form of leukemia, is life changing. It has taken my life away. It has given me a whole new one.
El Camino no longer calls me. But a new journey is about to start. I just don’t know what it is yet.
- Published on
I had two weeks of bliss
Commencing around New Year’s Day
Where I had no symptoms
The nausea was gone
The fatigue was gone
I had energy back
And I was starting to feel more like myself
I was writing every day
Practising yoga
Meditating
Cooking
Reading
Enjoying my imposed convalescence
Then I started a new chemo drug
It targets the chromosomal mutation
Which makes a relapse more likely
It also makes me
Nauseous
Curled-up-fetal-drained-of-all-energy-nauseous
Even-the-thought-of-food-makes-me-feel-awful-nauseous
And fatigued
And now my nails are falling off.
It started with a hairline crack in each thumbnail
Which became a second layer of nail
Starting half-way down and extending down to the nail edge
One by one, each finger developed double nail layers
Then the second layer started lifting.
On Thursday, the second nail on my right middle finger
Came right off
Exposing the skin
And hurting like hell
Band-aids are a marvelous modern
Convenient invention
I’m off the chemo drug again
Now I have to wait and see
If the nausea and fatigue go away.
In the meantime,
Keep meditating
Keep writing
Lay low
Be still
And breathe
This too shall pass.
Commencing around New Year’s Day
Where I had no symptoms
The nausea was gone
The fatigue was gone
I had energy back
And I was starting to feel more like myself
I was writing every day
Practising yoga
Meditating
Cooking
Reading
Enjoying my imposed convalescence
Then I started a new chemo drug
It targets the chromosomal mutation
Which makes a relapse more likely
It also makes me
Nauseous
Curled-up-fetal-drained-of-all-energy-nauseous
Even-the-thought-of-food-makes-me-feel-awful-nauseous
And fatigued
And now my nails are falling off.
It started with a hairline crack in each thumbnail
Which became a second layer of nail
Starting half-way down and extending down to the nail edge
One by one, each finger developed double nail layers
Then the second layer started lifting.
On Thursday, the second nail on my right middle finger
Came right off
Exposing the skin
And hurting like hell
Band-aids are a marvelous modern
Convenient invention
I’m off the chemo drug again
Now I have to wait and see
If the nausea and fatigue go away.
In the meantime,
Keep meditating
Keep writing
Lay low
Be still
And breathe
This too shall pass.
- Published on
I rarely use this blog/social media to rant. I try to be positive. See the good. Find the magic. But tonight, I am struggling. I am fed up. Cancer sucks and there's no way around it.
Tomorrow I'm hitting the lottery of medical appointments. I'm starting the day with a bone marrow biopsy. That's the one where they take a needle with a screw inside it, inject it above the hip bone and drill for bone. They put a local anesthetic in first, but it's not exactly a painless procedure. In fact, it's rather uncomfortable. I screamed through my first one. By the fourth, I'd learnt to kind of grimace through it. And sing through the crying. Tomorrow will be bone marrow biopsy number five. Like Chanel, minus the delicious scent and the feeling that something fun will happen if you wear it.
Following the biopsy, I have an appointment with the bone marrow transplant doctor. I will learn all about graft v. host disease and its myriad of potential side effects, and how the transplant will render me useless for the next 6-12 months. The doctor is actually lovely. If she wasn't busy saving my life, she's the kind of person I'd love to have at one of those metaphorical dinner parties - 10 people you'd have for dinner etc. She's a formidable force. She takes no bullshit and she lays down the facts fast and hot.
Next up, I'll have an echocardiogram. It's like an ultrasound for the heart. The first time I had it done I was still in hospital. At first it was fun watching my own heart beat on the monitor. Then the pressure of the machine, my lack of body fat, and the air-con blowing on my practically naked body made it all uncomfortable and unpleasant.
Heart checked, I'll head to another floor of the hospital for a CT scan. I'll have the pleasure of lying on a bed inside a whirring metal tube while the doctors scan my brain. I will not be able to move. By this stage, I'll probably be exhausted and starving.
As if a bone marrow biopsy, echocardiogram, and CT scan weren't enough for one day, I will finish this delightful day of testing with a pap smear. Seriously, you can't invent a day this fun in NYC.
To prepare for this joyous day, I've meditated. I've eaten well. I've started a puzzle with my dear husband. And I feel like absolute crap. It's all a reminder that I have cancer. And I hate it. I have lived my life in an attempt to be healthy and well. I did my affirmations. Ate a plant-based diet consisting of mostly organic food. Exercised. Meditated. Avoided carcinogens. And I still got effing cancer. I've walked the Camino twice goddamn it. I have two compostellas! Haven't all my sins been absolved twice over by now?
I know it's not about "fault". I didn't do anything wrong. It's just genetic bad luck. And it's hard to go through. So F U cancer. You'd better believe I'm going to beat you and make sure you don't come back. You are not welcome here.
And on that note, I'm going to bed.
Tomorrow I'm hitting the lottery of medical appointments. I'm starting the day with a bone marrow biopsy. That's the one where they take a needle with a screw inside it, inject it above the hip bone and drill for bone. They put a local anesthetic in first, but it's not exactly a painless procedure. In fact, it's rather uncomfortable. I screamed through my first one. By the fourth, I'd learnt to kind of grimace through it. And sing through the crying. Tomorrow will be bone marrow biopsy number five. Like Chanel, minus the delicious scent and the feeling that something fun will happen if you wear it.
Following the biopsy, I have an appointment with the bone marrow transplant doctor. I will learn all about graft v. host disease and its myriad of potential side effects, and how the transplant will render me useless for the next 6-12 months. The doctor is actually lovely. If she wasn't busy saving my life, she's the kind of person I'd love to have at one of those metaphorical dinner parties - 10 people you'd have for dinner etc. She's a formidable force. She takes no bullshit and she lays down the facts fast and hot.
Next up, I'll have an echocardiogram. It's like an ultrasound for the heart. The first time I had it done I was still in hospital. At first it was fun watching my own heart beat on the monitor. Then the pressure of the machine, my lack of body fat, and the air-con blowing on my practically naked body made it all uncomfortable and unpleasant.
Heart checked, I'll head to another floor of the hospital for a CT scan. I'll have the pleasure of lying on a bed inside a whirring metal tube while the doctors scan my brain. I will not be able to move. By this stage, I'll probably be exhausted and starving.
As if a bone marrow biopsy, echocardiogram, and CT scan weren't enough for one day, I will finish this delightful day of testing with a pap smear. Seriously, you can't invent a day this fun in NYC.
To prepare for this joyous day, I've meditated. I've eaten well. I've started a puzzle with my dear husband. And I feel like absolute crap. It's all a reminder that I have cancer. And I hate it. I have lived my life in an attempt to be healthy and well. I did my affirmations. Ate a plant-based diet consisting of mostly organic food. Exercised. Meditated. Avoided carcinogens. And I still got effing cancer. I've walked the Camino twice goddamn it. I have two compostellas! Haven't all my sins been absolved twice over by now?
I know it's not about "fault". I didn't do anything wrong. It's just genetic bad luck. And it's hard to go through. So F U cancer. You'd better believe I'm going to beat you and make sure you don't come back. You are not welcome here.
And on that note, I'm going to bed.
- Published on
me. (almost) thirty and fabulous in NYC.
I’m turning 30 in three days. For the last six years, my dream has been to be 30 and FABULOUS in New York City. I was going to celebrate by picnicking in Central Park, seeing a Broadway show, and drinking fancy cocktails. Instead, I will be preparing for a second round of chemotherapy because I have a life-threatening illness called acute myeloid leukemia.
Cancer sucks. I’m not going to lie. No amount of Julie Andrews-Mary Poppins-Maria Von Trapp inspired positivity is going to change that fact. It has made me very, very sick. It makes me feel utterly, utterly exhausted. It has taken a toll on my loved ones. It has put an unfair strain on my still-less-than-a-year-old marriage. It has made our move to NYC harder, and more complicated.
Six weeks before my 30th birthday, I was faced with my own mortality. I was told that if I did not undergo treatment, I would be dead in a month. It was sobering. Treatment was no picnic. I feel like it was worse for the friends and family who looked on feeling helpless (they were not helpless. Their very presence was a gift), all I had to do was lie there. A week ago, I filled out a form that gave instructions for what to do in the event that I couldn’t make decisions for myself.
In terms of a bad situation, I truly don’t have the worst scenario. For now, I’m at home in Brooklyn (!!), in a sunny and spacious apartment, with my truly wonderful and loving husband. I’m receiving treatment at one of the top hospitals on the planet. I have been given an amazing insight into the truly wonderful support network and web of love I am a part of (as written about previously). I have been able to understand how I have positively impacted on other people’s lives. I am loved, held, and cherished.
Friends and family have started asking what I’d like for my birthday. I honestly can’t think of anything materially. I want to be cured. I want to be well. I want to live for another 50-60 years and snuggle my darling husband and tell him every day for forever how much I love him. I want to sing and dance on Broadway and trip the light fantastic and and teach voice and stage plays and write stories and travel to places I haven’t seen. I want to eat delicious food and grow my own veggies and volunteer in community gardens. I want to explore our new neighborhood. I want to play in NYC. I want to read books, see shows, watch films. I want to meet Julie Andrews and thank her for raising me. I want to meet Patti LuPone and thank her for inspiring me. I want to meet Geoffrey Rush and do a master class with him. I want to work. I want to play. I want to live.
In three days, I will be turning 30. I’m in NYC. I'm bald, and dammit, I'm fabulous. There will be no picnic in Central Park, or a Broadway show, or cocktails. That’ll happen when I’m better (you’re all invited. Details to follow). For now, here are my birthday requests (10 for September 10th). They are things I love and want to share. Please do one, some, or any of the below.
You are welcome to share this post. You are welcome to write and share your stories, I'd love to hear from you (although my replies may be slow... chemo brain is real!).
With love and gratitude,
Lu xx
Cancer sucks. I’m not going to lie. No amount of Julie Andrews-Mary Poppins-Maria Von Trapp inspired positivity is going to change that fact. It has made me very, very sick. It makes me feel utterly, utterly exhausted. It has taken a toll on my loved ones. It has put an unfair strain on my still-less-than-a-year-old marriage. It has made our move to NYC harder, and more complicated.
Six weeks before my 30th birthday, I was faced with my own mortality. I was told that if I did not undergo treatment, I would be dead in a month. It was sobering. Treatment was no picnic. I feel like it was worse for the friends and family who looked on feeling helpless (they were not helpless. Their very presence was a gift), all I had to do was lie there. A week ago, I filled out a form that gave instructions for what to do in the event that I couldn’t make decisions for myself.
In terms of a bad situation, I truly don’t have the worst scenario. For now, I’m at home in Brooklyn (!!), in a sunny and spacious apartment, with my truly wonderful and loving husband. I’m receiving treatment at one of the top hospitals on the planet. I have been given an amazing insight into the truly wonderful support network and web of love I am a part of (as written about previously). I have been able to understand how I have positively impacted on other people’s lives. I am loved, held, and cherished.
Friends and family have started asking what I’d like for my birthday. I honestly can’t think of anything materially. I want to be cured. I want to be well. I want to live for another 50-60 years and snuggle my darling husband and tell him every day for forever how much I love him. I want to sing and dance on Broadway and trip the light fantastic and and teach voice and stage plays and write stories and travel to places I haven’t seen. I want to eat delicious food and grow my own veggies and volunteer in community gardens. I want to explore our new neighborhood. I want to play in NYC. I want to read books, see shows, watch films. I want to meet Julie Andrews and thank her for raising me. I want to meet Patti LuPone and thank her for inspiring me. I want to meet Geoffrey Rush and do a master class with him. I want to work. I want to play. I want to live.
In three days, I will be turning 30. I’m in NYC. I'm bald, and dammit, I'm fabulous. There will be no picnic in Central Park, or a Broadway show, or cocktails. That’ll happen when I’m better (you’re all invited. Details to follow). For now, here are my birthday requests (10 for September 10th). They are things I love and want to share. Please do one, some, or any of the below.
- Write to someone you have been thinking kindly about. Make it a person you have not spoken to in a long time. Do it without expectation of a response. Tell them you’ve been thinking of them and why.
- Buy a copy of The Big Issue, or equivalent street mag, from the next vendor you see.
- Pay attention to your breath for one minute. Don’t worry about whether you’re “doing it right” or breathing “properly”. Just pause and watch your breath go in and out for one minute. Repeat throughout the day as you remember this request.
- Read an actual book. Not on a device, an actual book. Smell the pages. Feel the pages between your fingers. Savor the delicious feeling of being-almost-at-the-end and not wanting it to be finished.
- That instrument you’ve always wanted to learn? Work out right now how you can get a hold of that instrument, and seek out lessons. The internet is an amazing place.
- Seek out your local farmer’s market. Buy something you’ve never seen/eaten before and learn what to do with it.
- If you are willing and able, donate blood and/or platelets. Google it right now to find out where you can do so in your city. If you can’t donate, consider sharing information on how to do so.
- If you are willing and able, sign up to be a donor on the bone marrow registry in your country. You could be a life-saving match for someone. Google it right now to find out where you can do so in your city.
- Be kind to yourself. No really. Stop being so hard on yourself. You are awesome and more loved and valued than you realize.
- Remember that you are alive. Remember your passions and what makes your spine tingle with delight, your heart race, and your soul feel happy. Allow yourself to feel sad when you’re down. It’s ok. This too shall pass. The good, the bad, the ugly. Just be here.
You are welcome to share this post. You are welcome to write and share your stories, I'd love to hear from you (although my replies may be slow... chemo brain is real!).
With love and gratitude,
Lu xx