We want 
A solution
An answer
A pill
A medicine
A magical being
To make suffering end

In order 
To be 
Skinnier 
Healthier
More wealthy
Successful
Lovable 
Make life easier

If only we could wave a magic wand
Or stick to the diet
Or do the affirmations
Or follow the right guru 
Or read the right books 
Or do the exercises
Or make the bad people go away

We desire 
Quick fixes
Instant solutions 
We wanted to be better yesterday
Last year 
Ten years ago
And still we’re waiting.

Meditation 
Doesn’t make you better
It doesn’t provide 
The silver bullet
To curing life’s ills
It is not the be all and end all 
To achieving happiness

But it does take the edge off 
Allows for moments of clarity
Moments of peace 
Moments of stillness 

It is free
You don’t need any special skills
You don’t need to be any kind of person
You don’t need to believe in anything or anyone

Just pay attention
Without judgement 
And repeat.



This post originally appeared at my Vivalu Meditation site. 

I was at uni
And I was learning
And acting
And surrounded by amazing people
And I was so depressed
I was numb
I actually felt nothing
And I tortured myself
Literally and metaphorically
And kept asking
When will I ever be good enough
To do something amazing
And then I got to perform my own material
And I was like
Hey, I really like this
And then I got to travel the world
And my brain exploded with possibility

I was engaged
And we were gonna get married!
Everything was lovely!
We were in love!
And then we broke up
And I was miserable
And wondered when anything was ever going to stop feel like crying again
And I sat with my bestie at the markets
And said
"ARGH! What is next?!"
And the next day got an email about working in the theatre full-time, and getting an agent
And everything changed
(My bestie was lamenting that he would ever meet someone.  Just over a year from that day, he was married).
And I got into drama school in London
And I packed my bags and moved to a whole other country

I got there
And was really broke
More broke than I'd ever been
I was living the dream
Of studying theatre in London
And I was miserable
My voice was shot
My self-esteem was invisble (again)
I couldn't get a job
And it got to the point
Where I had exactly one week's rent left in my savings
And that was it
And I won a scholarship
And I was able to stay

And then school was over
And I got to go back to camp
And I finally worked in the Music Shed
And taught voice
And realized I had a skill and a knack for teaching singing
And fell in love with it all over again

Back in London
I discovered what it was like
To be earning minimum wage
Less than the London living wage
And to work and work and work
And having nothing left
And you have to go back and do it all again
Because otherwise
Then you really have nothing
But sitting in offices around London
I'm getting paid to write my own material
And it feels wonderful
And liberating

I got to fall in love again
I got to work again, sometimes for what I felt I was worth
I'm going to perform my own material

We never know what's next
We have to do the work
And hope and pray
That it will work out
Sometimes it won't
But something else will come along
And it will be even better
Than what we could have hoped for

And if all else fails
Hide under the doona and watch cheesy Disney cartoons
Until you feel better

The end.

*And writing stuff like this reminds me that in my insanely privileged bubble... life ain't so bad. It may SEEM bad sometimes... but it's not so bad, you know?!

Imagine
You are tired
And overwhelmed
And stressed
And everything is getting you down

And then your friend suggests
A labyrinth
For peace night
And she measures out the lines
And draws chalk lines on the asphalt
And in the early evening
A light rain falls
And the lines glow

You surround the labyrinth
With candles
And your friend explains the walk
And one by one
People walk the path
Simultaneously circling
Closer and further
From the centre

At first your breath is fast
You try to walk slowly
What it means to be ceremonial
To be mindful
There is no goal
You want to reach the centre
When will the labyrinth make you feel better?

Your boy is walking ahead of you
He is walking at a slower pace
He has internalized mindfulness
He does it as a matter of course
You fall into his rhythm
And breathe

You reach the centre
Energy pulsates
Calm and buzzing
The space created by the chalk lines
By people who are here
With intention

You lead a candlelit procession
To the porch
Small but lovely
The speak out
One child had never heard of Hiroshima until tonight
He lived through Hurricane Sandy
Another lives in Sandy Hook
The shared desire for a world more harmonious

Imagine
You live in a world
Where all the people
...
Vivid chalk-soft lines
You have entered the world of the labyrinth

The end. 

The world is full
It seems
Of such awful things
People being awful
To the other people
Destruction
Pain and chaos

Hate comes from a place
Of sorrow and anger
Mistrust and mistreatment
All the people who hate
And are filled with violent thoughts
And carry out violent actions
Are reacting to something
Injustices done to them
Or their loved ones
And it doesn't in any way
Justify horrific acts
But they didn't fall out of the sky
Hating and perpetrating awfulness 

What if we turned to every being
And said
You are loved
You are worthy 
You are allowed to be here
Not because religion
Or because long gone gurus said so
But just because
Would it change anything?
Years of abuse of injustice and pain
Would probably retaliate
Untrusting 

Imagine
All the people
Living life in peace
Yoo hoo-ooo

Stop imagining
Do it
Live life in peace
And as once was said
Be the change
Be nice to one another
Say please and thank you

Because we can all imagine
If only's
And the possibility of futures
Far away
We can wish
Forever
But if wishes were fishes...
We'd deplete the sea
Until there was nothing left

Instead of waiting for the future to happen
Instead of waiting for a day of peace
Down the track
Let's live it right now

Today I watched the London marathon
On a (rare) bright blue sky London day
All the people running past
In shorts and leggings and brightly coloured wigs
And smiles through the pain
The cheers from the crowds watching on
In everyone's minds
This was Boston on Monday
The sea of humanity
The celebration of health
And togetherness
Of fun
And festivity
Of challenge
And achievement
Was at once beautiful
And overwhelming
And the world seemed
For a moment, at least,
Less awful

The end.

A stick of incense
Some beautiful music
And quiet meditation

The end.

In the minutiae 
Of every day life
Life can seem
Eternally long
We have forever 
 
But really
Life is short 
A flicker 
A moment 
 
To remember 
To embrace it
Whole heartedly
Without fear
To seize the day
 
And live.

It is nice to come home
To cheese and crackers
And homemade hummus
And to chat with your love
And to light a candle
And be still

The end.

It's cold
And rainy
And miserable
And you sit on the tube
And wish desperately you could
Apparate to your apartment

And you put your ipod on shuffle
And let the music transport you instead
And a piece you know
But haven't heard for a while
Begins to play
And the voices are soothing
And quieting
And remind you to breathe
And be still

And you feel
Much better
And you make it home
For hot chocolate

The end.

Your love sends you a link to a film
Directed by Emilio Estevez
And it's about the Camino
And how a man goes to recover the body of his son
Who dies along the way 
And the father decides to walk it himself
 
And it stirs a memory
Of all the markers along the way
Of people who have died 
Whilst making their pilgrimage
And it makes you wonder
In all your memories of the
Camino
You hadn't thought about those markers
 
But you remember that journey
That walk across the top of Spain 
That you did yourself, four years ago
Walking 780km in 6 weeks
It seems like a life time ago
A whole other self that took that journey
That made you so much of who you are today
 
The night before the Cruz de Ferro
The highest point on the Camino
You tossed and turned and agonized 
About what to leave behind
What to ask the Camino to relieve from your shoulders 
 
Traditionally you bring a stone from home
And leave it at the highest point
And with it you leave all your troubles
 
And you had this realization
That no matter what thing of significance you left behind
There would always be something
In life, there would always be something troubling you
And you would have to make this pilgrimage literally annually to be absolved of pain
  
And in the early hours of the morning
You had an epiphany
You didn’t want to leave pain and suffering
You wanted to leave something positive
Something that you could carry with you forever
And you decided to leave gratitude
 
Dear Universe. For being. My soul. For love.
For energy. For strength. For knowledge. Thank you. 
  
And you posted that message, written on the
back of a peppermint tea bag wrapper
Into a cairn built into the highest point 
Posted a message to the universe
To your higher self
To a future self
 
And from then on, the Camino became more beautiful
The scenery more picturesque 
The grass actually greener
Whether or not you had passed into the lush province of Galicia 
Doesn’t matter
Something was lifted and changed  

And four years later
Sitting in London
You remember that self
That tortured self who wanted to sing and dance and act and be in love and be happy 
And you whisper in her ear
It all comes true.
 
The end.

You're standing outside St Paul's Cathedral
That giant dome
That signifier of your childhood
Mary Poppins on VHS
Watching it and rewining it and watching it and rewinding it until the tape falls apart
And you think:
What brings us to a place?

Depression when you were fourteen.
Sitting on the train on that bright blue sky day and realizing
You don't feel anything
And then all those intervening years.
The deaths of two friends. Young women like you. They decided they couldn't do
it anymore.
Sitting at Coogee Beach and looking out to the ocean and wondering what on earth was next.
Learning about mindfulness.
Two years and a world trip later.
Waiting for the hair dressers and chatting with the woman, a stranger, sitting next to you.
She told you how you could do a certificate in Meditation.
Who was that woman???

And then Kris.

And then London.
And then meeting another woman on the train.
A random conversation, a chance encounter, and you've met a kindred spirit.

And then you are standing outside St. Paul's Cathedral and the familiarity of it, the instant I'm-home of it is shocking every time.
That tall grand building with its dome lit the way it is
It makes you gasp.
It's so much a part of you,
A part of your childhood,
Despite the fact you grew up over 10,000 miles away.

And then you're inside The Anthologist.
A bar in Central London.
And there are birdcages and tea cups and mason jars full of tea lights.
And there is a group of women, with the occasional man, gathered
to talk about mindfulness
Strong, radiating women, with a mission to change the world one meditation at a time.

And you're here because of a chance (synchronistic) encounter on a train
Or because you watched Mary Poppins on repeat as a child
Or because you had depression and you learnt about mindfulness and because the world is small it all leads back to the same place eventually

And you stand outside St Paul's
And you let the cold air rush into your nostrils (breathing mindfully)
And then you laugh because you're on your way home on the tube!
Tell that to your fourteen year old self, or even your four-year-old self,
Dear You/Me/Us.
Guess what? You grow up and fall in love and move to London and walk past St.
Paul's Cathedral and mingle with people in fancy bars and one day you even climb
to the top of the dome and you kiss a boy with the rooftops of London as your
backdrop. For real.

What brings us here?
Fate? Synchronicity?
Chance?
The world.
The end.