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I rarely use this blog/social media to rant. I try to be positive. See the good. Find the magic. But tonight, I am struggling. I am fed up. Cancer sucks and there's no way around it.
Tomorrow I'm hitting the lottery of medical appointments. I'm starting the day with a bone marrow biopsy. That's the one where they take a needle with a screw inside it, inject it above the hip bone and drill for bone. They put a local anesthetic in first, but it's not exactly a painless procedure. In fact, it's rather uncomfortable. I screamed through my first one. By the fourth, I'd learnt to kind of grimace through it. And sing through the crying. Tomorrow will be bone marrow biopsy number five. Like Chanel, minus the delicious scent and the feeling that something fun will happen if you wear it.
Following the biopsy, I have an appointment with the bone marrow transplant doctor. I will learn all about graft v. host disease and its myriad of potential side effects, and how the transplant will render me useless for the next 6-12 months. The doctor is actually lovely. If she wasn't busy saving my life, she's the kind of person I'd love to have at one of those metaphorical dinner parties - 10 people you'd have for dinner etc. She's a formidable force. She takes no bullshit and she lays down the facts fast and hot.
Next up, I'll have an echocardiogram. It's like an ultrasound for the heart. The first time I had it done I was still in hospital. At first it was fun watching my own heart beat on the monitor. Then the pressure of the machine, my lack of body fat, and the air-con blowing on my practically naked body made it all uncomfortable and unpleasant.
Heart checked, I'll head to another floor of the hospital for a CT scan. I'll have the pleasure of lying on a bed inside a whirring metal tube while the doctors scan my brain. I will not be able to move. By this stage, I'll probably be exhausted and starving.
As if a bone marrow biopsy, echocardiogram, and CT scan weren't enough for one day, I will finish this delightful day of testing with a pap smear. Seriously, you can't invent a day this fun in NYC.
To prepare for this joyous day, I've meditated. I've eaten well. I've started a puzzle with my dear husband. And I feel like absolute crap. It's all a reminder that I have cancer. And I hate it. I have lived my life in an attempt to be healthy and well. I did my affirmations. Ate a plant-based diet consisting of mostly organic food. Exercised. Meditated. Avoided carcinogens. And I still got effing cancer. I've walked the Camino twice goddamn it. I have two compostellas! Haven't all my sins been absolved twice over by now?
I know it's not about "fault". I didn't do anything wrong. It's just genetic bad luck. And it's hard to go through. So F U cancer. You'd better believe I'm going to beat you and make sure you don't come back. You are not welcome here.
And on that note, I'm going to bed.
Tomorrow I'm hitting the lottery of medical appointments. I'm starting the day with a bone marrow biopsy. That's the one where they take a needle with a screw inside it, inject it above the hip bone and drill for bone. They put a local anesthetic in first, but it's not exactly a painless procedure. In fact, it's rather uncomfortable. I screamed through my first one. By the fourth, I'd learnt to kind of grimace through it. And sing through the crying. Tomorrow will be bone marrow biopsy number five. Like Chanel, minus the delicious scent and the feeling that something fun will happen if you wear it.
Following the biopsy, I have an appointment with the bone marrow transplant doctor. I will learn all about graft v. host disease and its myriad of potential side effects, and how the transplant will render me useless for the next 6-12 months. The doctor is actually lovely. If she wasn't busy saving my life, she's the kind of person I'd love to have at one of those metaphorical dinner parties - 10 people you'd have for dinner etc. She's a formidable force. She takes no bullshit and she lays down the facts fast and hot.
Next up, I'll have an echocardiogram. It's like an ultrasound for the heart. The first time I had it done I was still in hospital. At first it was fun watching my own heart beat on the monitor. Then the pressure of the machine, my lack of body fat, and the air-con blowing on my practically naked body made it all uncomfortable and unpleasant.
Heart checked, I'll head to another floor of the hospital for a CT scan. I'll have the pleasure of lying on a bed inside a whirring metal tube while the doctors scan my brain. I will not be able to move. By this stage, I'll probably be exhausted and starving.
As if a bone marrow biopsy, echocardiogram, and CT scan weren't enough for one day, I will finish this delightful day of testing with a pap smear. Seriously, you can't invent a day this fun in NYC.
To prepare for this joyous day, I've meditated. I've eaten well. I've started a puzzle with my dear husband. And I feel like absolute crap. It's all a reminder that I have cancer. And I hate it. I have lived my life in an attempt to be healthy and well. I did my affirmations. Ate a plant-based diet consisting of mostly organic food. Exercised. Meditated. Avoided carcinogens. And I still got effing cancer. I've walked the Camino twice goddamn it. I have two compostellas! Haven't all my sins been absolved twice over by now?
I know it's not about "fault". I didn't do anything wrong. It's just genetic bad luck. And it's hard to go through. So F U cancer. You'd better believe I'm going to beat you and make sure you don't come back. You are not welcome here.
And on that note, I'm going to bed.
2 Comments
Luisa, you deserve a rant. You deserve more than a rant. You are the embodiment of positivity and joy and hope for 99% of the time and a little rant - so beautifully written - would not be considered as a lapse but as a right. Every post of yours, whether here or on fbook or wherever, fipls me with awe about how incredibly well you are getting through this. And you will get through this all. Not just through your positivity but through the positivity and love of the people who surround you. Keep going, keep loving and keep laughing, and we're all with you no matter what.
Thank you so much Gill. You're my hero. :) xxx