In January
I did an agent showcase class
I felt seen and inspired and then
Disappointed
I taught voice, online and in person
Received coaching via skype
And worked on writing a play
I performed at Passport to Iron City
Saw Clueless and The Prom
And tried to remember to be kind to myself
I ran almost 60km (give or take with a buggy app)

In February
I got the flu
Continued performing at Iron City
Worked as a standardized patient and
Did a reading at Brooklyn College
I took classes online and
Started piano lessons with Juan
Rehearsed The Big C Cabaret
I ran even when I didn’t feel 100%
I danced to The Cat Empire with Aaron and Paul, and saw
The Ferryman, Gloria: A Life, and Merrily We Roll Along
I ran almost 44km

In March
I had anxiety
And tried to stay away from social media
I performed in Night Songs and Love Waltzes with MasterVoices
And rehearsed for Lady in the Dark and The Big C Cabaret
Passport to Iron City closed
I took a masterclass with a Broadway musical director
And more coaching
I had a three hour lunch with Ann, my high school music teacher
Ran 81km
Saw Owl Girl, My Fair Lady, and Alice by Heart

In April
I learnt to read the instructions when you’re not tired and
Not to put on a cabaret on a Sunday at 4pm
We drove to Maryland to celebrate a new baby in the family
I performed in Lady in the Dark at City Center and
Worked as a standardized patient
I sent out a newsletter
And took audition yoga
I ran the Queens Marathon and was 8 minutes off doing it in 6 hours
We went to tenant court and fumed at the broken systems
Ralph, Anna, Eric, Tara, Jason, and Tonya, helped me surprise Aaron for his birthday
I saw Kiss Me, Kate, Come from Away, Beetlejuice, and Tootsie
Joined Gilda’s Club and
Ran a little over 89km

In May
Aaron and I ran the Brooklyn Half together
My third half, Aaron’s first
I played flute in an audition for the first time
And booked the gig
I worked as a standardized patient and
Joined a musical theatre book club and sang Marta in Company
I took piano lessons and went to
The Central reunion where they spent the whole time promoting the school
I saw Oklahoma, Waitress, Frankie and Johnny, and Mairi’s show "More About the Melody: Rodgers and Co" at Birdland
I devoured Figurings by Maria Popova, Gathering Moss by Robin Wall Kimmerer, and Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez
I ran almost 60km

In June
I cried when we moved to Carteret, NJ
Felt pulled away from the city I love
We joined the fancy gym and
Discovered Primark no longer stocks good basics
I performed in Felt Left Out and my heart was happy
I struggled at work
I saw Hadestown, The Cher Show, Into the Woods Snr, What the Constitution Means to Me, Doug Varone Dancers, and Working
And Stephen Sondheim with Jason Robert Brown
We got eaten alive camping at Cheesequake State Park and
I ran close to 54km

In July
I had good auditions and no bookings
I ran just over 41km
Took songwriting and scene writing classes at Gilda’s Club
Had my face painted at the farmer’s market
We spent time with the Rabinowii and had
Dinner with friends
I spent hours booking medical appointments
I saw In the Green, What the Constitution Means to Me, and Lady Ship

In August
We traveled a lot and
Ran a little
We spent a week in North Carolina with the Goodmans
And two weeks in Oz
I booked a Christmas gig
We saw Bat Out of Hell and Muriel’s Wedding

In September
I tried to limit my use of social media
We celebrated my 35th birthday
With afternoon tea at Alice’s Teacup
And a feminist fireside chat on Simone de Beauvoir
I spent a glorious weekend in Rochester
And ran the marathon on a 30ºC/90F day
All up I ran 99km for the month
I observed a masterclass with Des McAnuff and took a
Drop-in improv class at Actors Launchpad
Made a costume for the Ren Faire and
Devoured Becoming Beauvoir by Kate Kirkpatrick, Gentleman Jack by Anne Choma, and Channel of Peace by Kevin Tuerff
Watched the livestreams of Golden Bricks and Ruby Shoes and Fleabag
I felt exhausted and not good enough

In October
I started rehearsals for The Polar Express
I felt challenged and at home
I tried to stay off social media and failed
Felt stuck financially
Felt not good enough
Started work on a documentary script with friends
We went to the Ren Faire as a fairy and an imp
I went to the St James Halloween party dressed as Olaf taken over by the spirit of Electra
Spent time with friends
Felt drained and emotional from putting together a timeline for The Patient Story
Meditated
Saw Bella Bella with Harvey Fierstein and
Ran almost 30km

In November
I ran my 5th marathon
On the 5th anniversary of my stem cell transplant
I learnt you should always take your water bottle and iPad to set and that
Marathon training is excellent training for 5-show days
I had to have dental fillings for the first time
The debilitating effects of chemo on my teeth
I sang in Let ‘Em Eat Cake at Carnegie Hall and saw
Slave Play, Lightning Thief, and Half Life of Marie Curie
The Barbra exhibit with Ella
I read Walt Whitman and Virginia Woolf
Stayed in Manhattan with David and Katherine for an easier commute
Sat with depression and
Made pasta from scratch

In December
We watched the live capture of SpongeBob: The Musical
I sang and danced on The Polar Express
And never wanted it to end
We drove to Richmond
To ring out the year with Jesse and Brenda

In between
I spent hours and hours finding new doctors for follow-up care
And dealing with NJ Transit and 
Sitting in the lobbies of Manhattan hotels
Reading, writing, scrolling, and waiting for my bus
I had coffees with friends at Bird & Branch on West 45th
I ushered at the St James and
Sang with MasterVoices
At home we cooked curries and noodles and pulled pork and roasts
We walked to the water
We watched Big Mouth and Bojack, Jane and Schitt’s Creek, Fleabag, Succession, The Crown, The Wire, The Politician and Pose, Last Week Tonight, Years and Years, and Gentleman Jack
We ranted at unfair broken systems
Housing and medical and political and financial
I skyped with loved ones in Sydney and London
I wrote morning pages almost every day
And meditated and gave thanks
Some days I played piano
And a little flute

There were moments of lovely
Performing professionally
Travel
Seeing shows
Spending time with my love
And many moments of frustration
The struggle of being an actor in NYC
Wanting to do it full-time
Wanting to be seen, to be heard
Wishing the world were kinder and calmer

​So much of the year
Has felt like
Climbing uphill
Are we at the summit yet?
How do we get there
From here?

I didn’t grow up with the book or the movie
My friend Bryan had done it last year
I saw the open call and thought it would be fun
A lovely audition, a friendly room
I was so excited to be cast

Rehearsals
Full-time for a week
Singing and dancing
And learning a show
That happened in 6 different train cars
At the same time
“Broadway on a train!”
The joy of director Scott Calcagno

Tech and dress
Theatre on a moving train
Chugging through suburban New Jersey
Arriving at “The North Pole”
With its giant sleigh, reindeer and
Arctic cold weather

Sharing a carriage with
Alice and Jake
The sweetest cart-ners in the world
Embossing tickets
Making it snow
Singing “We Need a Little Christmas”
Especially poignant on the day of Jerry Herman’s death
Becoming a chef and dancing in the aisle
With trays of hot chocolate

Families wearing matching pajamas
Decorated with candy canes and snowmen and Christmas trees
Light up hats and 
Gorgeous ugly sweaters 
Parents and children
Aunts and uncles
Grandmas and grandpas
Siblings and cousins
The surly teenagers who always melted into the magic

Walking through the train to 
Switch sides
Seeing the other cast members work their magic
All of them lovely and talented and funny 

The production car
Where all the theatre magic happens
Joel or Becki at the stage manager console
Alex on lights
Mary or Olivia on sound
Lauren or Emily on costumes
Abigale on props
Meri the production manager
Nick and Nickie in Front of House
Engineers Chuck and Matt
The EMTs
The other elves, Maria and Anna and Anna
David and Jim
Swing nation: Bryan and Steph
Always ready and willing 
The racks of costumes for 72 people
Swaying perilously as we crossed the threshold
To the North Pole

Becoming an elf
Anna running with the bells
“Attention please, attention Polar Express passengers!
Someone very special is here to meet you!”
Lights brighten, music swells
The arrival of Santa!
The utter delight on people’s faces
Especially the older folks
Transforming into 5-year-olds before my eyes
Seeing is believing

Traveling through each car
“Are you a real elf?”
The child who sobbed after Santa gave them a bell
(“Right off Santa’s sleigh!”)
“It’s just so magical!”
The guy who asked me if Santa could pay off his mortgage this year
The babies who smiled
The babies who shied away
The kids who asked if I knew their Elf on the Shelf
The kids who brought their Elf on the Shelf in mason jars
Telling passengers that the safest place for their cookies
Was in their bellies
Surprise hugs from little ones
The sugar high from hot chocolate and cookies
The excitement from meeting Santa

A few days at the North Pole
Allie and Jenna making sure we got there in plenty of time
Dancing in the freezing cold
(My group got lucky
We never had to dance in the rain)

The relative ease of three show days
The long marathons of five show days
Eating sandwiches and burritos and cookies and chips
Snacking in between shows to maintain energy
Staying cool, keeping warm
Hanging out with some of the loveliest people

Being a part of something uplifting
A magic carpet on a rail
That never takes a rest
A joyful, magical time
​
The true spirit of Christmas lies in your heart
For all who truly believe.