- Published on
In previous years
The lead up to the anniversary of my transplant
Has been emotional
And hard
I have felt robbed
Taken away from myself
Frustrated that I have this anniversary at all
This year
I’m too busy to be thinking about
Stupid Cancer
On the morning of the 5th anniversary of
Having my sister’s T-depleted stem cells
Injected into my port
I’m rushing to the Jacob Javits Convention Center
To pick up my race bib
Number 65800
(How fast do I have to be before I can get 24601?!)
Collect my t-shirt
Over to the Fred’s Team table
Friendly faces
Up to rehearsal at Ripley Grier
Spend the morning singing
Dancing
Running lines
In the afternoon the director starts rehearsal with a question
Who has a New York story?
I have a New York story
Five years ago today
Halloween. Hospital.
Stem cell transplant
Life/death
Here we are
On Friday
It is an honor and a thrill
To walk in the NYC Marathon Opening Ceremony
As a part of Team MovedMe
26 inspiring runners representing 53,000+, including
Yvette, who had been told as a child she would never walk again after being hit by car who is now a retired 26-year army vet running her 18th marathon,
Natasha, completing the Abbott World Marathon Major Six-Star in memory of her sister
Issac, a trans person representing Front Runners New York, and
A leukemia survivor running her 5th marathon on the 5th anniversary of her stem cell transplant
Walking over the Finish Line
Keep the emotions under control
Save it for Sunday
Saturday night
Italian for dinner
Hot date with my love
Traipsing the streets of NYC
To get new iron-on letters for my shirt
Thank goodness for daylight savings
Race day
Up at 4am
A&D cream to prevent chafing
Under arms, under boobs, inner thighs
Soles of feet and between the toes
Sunscreen
Sports bra, shirt, leggings, socks, shoes
Belt with dates, gels, phone charger, earphones, ID, and a bank card just in case
Meet the Team MovedMe bus at 51st between 6th and 7th
Everyone is shivering in the cold
Wishing for coffee
We board the bus
Head down through midtown
Past Times Square where Fred’s Team is gathered
I wish I could be in two places at once
I sleep
We arrive at Fort Wadsworth, Staten Island
The police are lovely
A security guard yells in my face
Your bib needs to be on! Stop! Don’t move!
But almost no one has them on yet
We’re saving them from being crinkled
I try not to be rude to her
She’s been up since god knows when
She’s just doing her job
She’s going to have a long day
Samantha from New York Road Runners leads us to the
Broadcast and Media Tent
Heated, and stocked with bagels and pastries and fresh fruit
The sun rises behind the Verrazano Bridge
Revealing a pale blue sky
The mercury promises not to climb too much
Perfect conditions for a nice long run
Our bags are collected
We hear the canon
The professionals are off
They’ll be almost done before we’ve even started
We are led to the corral
Extra layers are stripped off
Tossed in the giant blue bins to be taken to charity stores around the city
Christy Altomere sings the national anthem
Normally I get teary
But I’m too nervous/excited/emotional about running to get emotional about the anthem
We are called to the start line
Inch forward
On your marks
The canon fires
Frank Sinatra croons
It’s up to you
New York, New York!
We’re off
I’ve only ever run on the lower level of the bridge
Wave 1 runs on top
I thought I’d be afraid of the height
I don’t even register it
The views are stunning
The dark blue of the Lower and Upper bays
Against the pale blue of the sky
Manhattan to the left
Brooklyn to the right
Wave to Lady Liberty
Helicopters hover right next to the bridge
The pace of the runners is astonishing
I move to the side
To let myself go slow
Welcome to Brooklyn
Immediately off the bridge
The cheering begins
The crowds are insane
Several people deep
Holding homemade signs
“You’re running better than our government!”
“You’re running faster than the MTA!”
“Kick some assphalt”
“Only 26 miles til beer”
“Tap here for a power up” with Mario Cart stars and mushrooms
“Punch here for a power up” with Trump’s face dead center
And my personal favorite
“If you want to restore your faith in humanity
Go watch a marathon”
Here are 53,000 runners
Young and old, and tall and short
People with hearing or vision impairments
Prosthetic limbs and wheelchairs
Survivors and servicefolk
Writers and waiters and workers and all manner of
Human beings
From all across the globe
Out running a Very Long Distance
Because they can
And hundreds and hundreds of thousands of their friends and loved ones
And perfect strangers
Are lining the streets
Cheering them on
And another 12,000 more have given up their Sunday to
Hand out water and gatorade and bananas
And the coming together of it all --
If you’re reading this you likely have a physical body
And sometimes
That body is creaky and tired and you may feel
Your very blood cells have betrayed you
And yet, here you are
Isn’t that an astonishing thing?!
We run down Fourth Ave
Through the flavors of Brooklyn
Russian, Polish, Chinese, Hispanic
You know you’ve hit Park Slope when the puppies appear
Mile 8, past BAM
(Remember when I worked there?
Too soon after treatment
I wasn’t ready
I was itching to work)
Turn right onto Lafayette
I hear a familiar voice
“LU!”
It’s Adam from London from Australia
I give him a hug
Familiar faces are a boost
Keep running
The Emmanuel Baptist Church
On Lafayette and St James
Is holding its service outside
The steps are packed with people
The preacher is singing
The gospel choir is singing
My heart is singing
It becomes quieter in the Hasidic neighborhoods
The men seem to ignore the runners
The little girls in their uniform dresses cheer from the sidewalk
Or from windows above the street
The parties are raucous in Williamsburg
I hear someone yelling “LU!”
It’s Adrienne from camp
I give her a hug
Keep running
Aaron said he’ll be at mile 13
I take out my phone to message him
My phone is dead
I stop to pee
I don’t see Aaron
Keep running
Over the Pulaski Bridge
Into Queens and
Before you know it you’re at the Queensboro Bridge
The red and white stacks of Big Allis
Forever in mind intertwined with Sloan
Transplant. Recovery. Anniversary. Five.
We round the corner onto 59th
Welcome to New York City!
Turn left onto First Ave
The crowds
The cheering
In my head
Five years, five years, five years
Mile 17
Past the hospital
I make heart signs at the nurses in scrubs
I say thank you in my head to Dr Stein and Dr P and Kim
And every single nurse and porter and attendant
And to every power there is
That I don’t have to be there anymore
Somewhere on the upper east side
I see Rickey from chorus
Give her a hug
Oh the precious souls we meet
Coming to mile 20
I know I’m going to see Aaron and
The Rabinowii Tribe
David joins me
A needed boost
I’m beginning to hurt
The front of my ankles
My hips
My heart, I know I’m not going to make it in less than 6 hours and
I’m disappointed
David talks me off the ledge
He tells me to go slow
Encourages me to get pain killers at the Medical Tent
Drink water and eat a gel
Remember
You just ran a marathon 6 weeks ago
You had rehearsal all week
This is your third marathon this year
It’s ok to walk
You’re doing the thing
Into the park
It smells of fallen leaves and a warm fire
The Rabinowii’s appear again at Mile 24
David steps away
The last two miles feel like forever
The crowds are incredible
No one is laughing at me for walking
No one is telling me I’m slow
Or pathetic
They’re cheering
“You can do this Luisa!”
“You’re so close”
“Go Fred’s Team!”
Briefly out of the park on 59th and 5th
The sight of Columbus Circle lifts me
I know the end is close
Back into the park
The music from the finish line
I can hear the announcer calling out names
The crowds are cheering at full volume
I run
Step over the line
Marathon number five is done.
The lead up to the anniversary of my transplant
Has been emotional
And hard
I have felt robbed
Taken away from myself
Frustrated that I have this anniversary at all
This year
I’m too busy to be thinking about
Stupid Cancer
On the morning of the 5th anniversary of
Having my sister’s T-depleted stem cells
Injected into my port
I’m rushing to the Jacob Javits Convention Center
To pick up my race bib
Number 65800
(How fast do I have to be before I can get 24601?!)
Collect my t-shirt
Over to the Fred’s Team table
Friendly faces
Up to rehearsal at Ripley Grier
Spend the morning singing
Dancing
Running lines
In the afternoon the director starts rehearsal with a question
Who has a New York story?
I have a New York story
Five years ago today
Halloween. Hospital.
Stem cell transplant
Life/death
Here we are
On Friday
It is an honor and a thrill
To walk in the NYC Marathon Opening Ceremony
As a part of Team MovedMe
26 inspiring runners representing 53,000+, including
Yvette, who had been told as a child she would never walk again after being hit by car who is now a retired 26-year army vet running her 18th marathon,
Natasha, completing the Abbott World Marathon Major Six-Star in memory of her sister
Issac, a trans person representing Front Runners New York, and
A leukemia survivor running her 5th marathon on the 5th anniversary of her stem cell transplant
Walking over the Finish Line
Keep the emotions under control
Save it for Sunday
Saturday night
Italian for dinner
Hot date with my love
Traipsing the streets of NYC
To get new iron-on letters for my shirt
Thank goodness for daylight savings
Race day
Up at 4am
A&D cream to prevent chafing
Under arms, under boobs, inner thighs
Soles of feet and between the toes
Sunscreen
Sports bra, shirt, leggings, socks, shoes
Belt with dates, gels, phone charger, earphones, ID, and a bank card just in case
Meet the Team MovedMe bus at 51st between 6th and 7th
Everyone is shivering in the cold
Wishing for coffee
We board the bus
Head down through midtown
Past Times Square where Fred’s Team is gathered
I wish I could be in two places at once
I sleep
We arrive at Fort Wadsworth, Staten Island
The police are lovely
A security guard yells in my face
Your bib needs to be on! Stop! Don’t move!
But almost no one has them on yet
We’re saving them from being crinkled
I try not to be rude to her
She’s been up since god knows when
She’s just doing her job
She’s going to have a long day
Samantha from New York Road Runners leads us to the
Broadcast and Media Tent
Heated, and stocked with bagels and pastries and fresh fruit
The sun rises behind the Verrazano Bridge
Revealing a pale blue sky
The mercury promises not to climb too much
Perfect conditions for a nice long run
Our bags are collected
We hear the canon
The professionals are off
They’ll be almost done before we’ve even started
We are led to the corral
Extra layers are stripped off
Tossed in the giant blue bins to be taken to charity stores around the city
Christy Altomere sings the national anthem
Normally I get teary
But I’m too nervous/excited/emotional about running to get emotional about the anthem
We are called to the start line
Inch forward
On your marks
The canon fires
Frank Sinatra croons
It’s up to you
New York, New York!
We’re off
I’ve only ever run on the lower level of the bridge
Wave 1 runs on top
I thought I’d be afraid of the height
I don’t even register it
The views are stunning
The dark blue of the Lower and Upper bays
Against the pale blue of the sky
Manhattan to the left
Brooklyn to the right
Wave to Lady Liberty
Helicopters hover right next to the bridge
The pace of the runners is astonishing
I move to the side
To let myself go slow
Welcome to Brooklyn
Immediately off the bridge
The cheering begins
The crowds are insane
Several people deep
Holding homemade signs
“You’re running better than our government!”
“You’re running faster than the MTA!”
“Kick some assphalt”
“Only 26 miles til beer”
“Tap here for a power up” with Mario Cart stars and mushrooms
“Punch here for a power up” with Trump’s face dead center
And my personal favorite
“If you want to restore your faith in humanity
Go watch a marathon”
Here are 53,000 runners
Young and old, and tall and short
People with hearing or vision impairments
Prosthetic limbs and wheelchairs
Survivors and servicefolk
Writers and waiters and workers and all manner of
Human beings
From all across the globe
Out running a Very Long Distance
Because they can
And hundreds and hundreds of thousands of their friends and loved ones
And perfect strangers
Are lining the streets
Cheering them on
And another 12,000 more have given up their Sunday to
Hand out water and gatorade and bananas
And the coming together of it all --
If you’re reading this you likely have a physical body
And sometimes
That body is creaky and tired and you may feel
Your very blood cells have betrayed you
And yet, here you are
Isn’t that an astonishing thing?!
We run down Fourth Ave
Through the flavors of Brooklyn
Russian, Polish, Chinese, Hispanic
You know you’ve hit Park Slope when the puppies appear
Mile 8, past BAM
(Remember when I worked there?
Too soon after treatment
I wasn’t ready
I was itching to work)
Turn right onto Lafayette
I hear a familiar voice
“LU!”
It’s Adam from London from Australia
I give him a hug
Familiar faces are a boost
Keep running
The Emmanuel Baptist Church
On Lafayette and St James
Is holding its service outside
The steps are packed with people
The preacher is singing
The gospel choir is singing
My heart is singing
It becomes quieter in the Hasidic neighborhoods
The men seem to ignore the runners
The little girls in their uniform dresses cheer from the sidewalk
Or from windows above the street
The parties are raucous in Williamsburg
I hear someone yelling “LU!”
It’s Adrienne from camp
I give her a hug
Keep running
Aaron said he’ll be at mile 13
I take out my phone to message him
My phone is dead
I stop to pee
I don’t see Aaron
Keep running
Over the Pulaski Bridge
Into Queens and
Before you know it you’re at the Queensboro Bridge
The red and white stacks of Big Allis
Forever in mind intertwined with Sloan
Transplant. Recovery. Anniversary. Five.
We round the corner onto 59th
Welcome to New York City!
Turn left onto First Ave
The crowds
The cheering
In my head
Five years, five years, five years
Mile 17
Past the hospital
I make heart signs at the nurses in scrubs
I say thank you in my head to Dr Stein and Dr P and Kim
And every single nurse and porter and attendant
And to every power there is
That I don’t have to be there anymore
Somewhere on the upper east side
I see Rickey from chorus
Give her a hug
Oh the precious souls we meet
Coming to mile 20
I know I’m going to see Aaron and
The Rabinowii Tribe
David joins me
A needed boost
I’m beginning to hurt
The front of my ankles
My hips
My heart, I know I’m not going to make it in less than 6 hours and
I’m disappointed
David talks me off the ledge
He tells me to go slow
Encourages me to get pain killers at the Medical Tent
Drink water and eat a gel
Remember
You just ran a marathon 6 weeks ago
You had rehearsal all week
This is your third marathon this year
It’s ok to walk
You’re doing the thing
Into the park
It smells of fallen leaves and a warm fire
The Rabinowii’s appear again at Mile 24
David steps away
The last two miles feel like forever
The crowds are incredible
No one is laughing at me for walking
No one is telling me I’m slow
Or pathetic
They’re cheering
“You can do this Luisa!”
“You’re so close”
“Go Fred’s Team!”
Briefly out of the park on 59th and 5th
The sight of Columbus Circle lifts me
I know the end is close
Back into the park
The music from the finish line
I can hear the announcer calling out names
The crowds are cheering at full volume
I run
Step over the line
Marathon number five is done.
To Fred’s Team, especially Julia and Matt,
to NYRR and Team MovedMe, especially Samantha and Matt,
to everyone who donated,
to everyone who sent messages and tracked the race,
to Adam, Adrienne, David, Katherine, Rickey, Maddy, Naomi, Paul, & Sara, for being there,
and Aaron my love,
thank you thank you thank you.
to NYRR and Team MovedMe, especially Samantha and Matt,
to everyone who donated,
to everyone who sent messages and tracked the race,
to Adam, Adrienne, David, Katherine, Rickey, Maddy, Naomi, Paul, & Sara, for being there,
and Aaron my love,
thank you thank you thank you.
- Published on
Fly up to Rochester
Feels incongruous the day after hundreds of thousands of people
March to save the world from climate change
Business as usual on the airlines
Plastic water bottles
Disposable single-use everything
Greeted by Bonnie at the airport
A new friend and immediate kindred spirit
We spend a delightful afternoon
With husband Kurt, and puppers ROz and Teddy
On a boat
Floating around Lake Honeoye
Dipping our feet in the chilly water
I envision abandoning everything to become a writer
Residing on the smallest of the Finger Lakes
In a little cabin
Making friends with the ducks and egrets
And learning to paddle board
Easy to have those visions
On the eve of a summery autumnal equinox
And not in the middle of a north-east frigid arctic winter
An enormous salad and grilled chicken for dinner
Downing gatorade. It’s going to be hot tomorrow.
Lay out the running gear
Place gels and dates in the pouch
Charge my phone
Charge the spare charger
Sleep and recharge myself
Wake up in the dark
A&D cream all over my feet
Under my sports bra
Under my arms
Don my uniform
Tie my laces
Bonnie and I head out as the sky is beginning to light
We drive to the finish line at Frontier Field
The parking lot is full of runners
School buses are lined up to take everyone down the road to the
Start line in Maplewood Park
We board with the other runners and a few supporters
A golden ball of a sun appears through the trees
Illuminating a sea of humanity
Over a thousand runners
Stretched out on the tennis courts
Bodies large and small, young and old
A celebration of humanity
The runners flex and chat
Nibble on apples and bananas and sachets of peanut butter
While their spouses and parents and loved ones stand by
Holding puppies and the remnants of breakfast
The announcer calls the runners to the start line
A benediction is given
While I’m in the port-a-loo
Thank you for the day, thank you for the runners, thank you for the volunteers
The national anthem is sung
It always makes me emotional
Last call to the start line
Bonnie waves,
I call out
“See you in six hours!”
A horn blares and we’re off
The Rochester Marathon 2019
Through the green and leafy park where
The air is cool and fresh
Out into an industrial looking area
(I later learn it is a Business Park)
One mile down,
Twenty-five point two to go.
Turn right onto Lake Avenue, a
Pretty tree-lined street
Running through the middle of two cemeteries
At the first water stop
I’m impressed that runners are throwing
Their cups into strategically placed bins
In New York, I’d be running on a sea of disintegrating paper
Make a right into Turning Point Park
Onto the Genesee Riverway Trail
Downhill under a canopy of trees
Someone has built cairns along the side of the path
Large and small stone towers precariously balanced
We come to the Genesee River
At the entrance to the boardwalk
A guitarist is playing
We run right over the water
And past mile four
Up the hill into suburbia
Turn right and come upon the entrance to a large bridge
The Colonel Patrick O'Rorke Memorial Bridge
It’s one of those bridges that can split in two
A marina below is filled with boats
The river is bounded by trees
A glorious sight
Over the bridge we enter
Irondeqouit
And begin a long loop back down to the start
I spend time wondering how to pronounce this place name
Iron-de-coit? Iron-de-quit? E-ron-de-quit?
The relay runners trade off
I envy the fresh runners
And try to run at my own pace
And not beat myself up for feeling slow
We come to a hill
Volunteers and onlookers at the top
You’ve got this! You made it!
All along St Paul’s Avenue
Families line the side of the road
They’ve set up their own water tables
Laden with snacks
Baked goods, fruit, and candy
“Take whatever you want! It’s all for you!”
One family has rented a jumping castle
Further down the road, a horn trio is set up on the grass
On one block, signs for Trump
On the next, signs for Biden and Warren
A kid tries to play saxophone while his friends
Run around him
A concrete bridge back over the river
A woman has the same hat as me
I tell her she has a nice hat
She laughs
Just before mile 10
We hear sirens
Motorbike police come down the road
“Move to the right. The leader is coming through!”
The man in first place comes sprinting past on his second lap
He is running so fast his feet seem to be touching his butt
His pace is incredible
We cheer for him
Back onto the Genesee River Trail
Through a parking lot filled with enthusiastic teens
Dressed in brightly colored outfits
Handing out water and gatorade
Back into Maplewood Park
The half-marathon runners can taste the finish
I breathe
End of the park
Back into the industrial zone
Half-way mark.
I’ve got this. I feel strong.
Marathon number four, you are mine.
Somewhere between mile 15 and 17
The sun begins to feel hot
I start to feel wiped
I begin to walk/run.
We turn right to make a loop through the Riverside Cemetery
To add an extra mile to the course
It’s quiet in the cemetery
I imagine the skeletons in their graves cheering for me
Wooohoooooo!
The occasional living volunteer with an orange flag points the way
I thank each one for staying on the course
I silently thank the volunteers unseen
Who placed yellow arrows on the ground
Genesee Riverway Trail
Trees. Cairns.
Downhill.
Run again.
The boardwalk. The river.
The guitarist is still there.
Thank you for being out here.
Thank you for playing.
I realize I’m not going to run this thing
In less than 6 hours
If I could run the rest of the way, I could do it
But the air is hot and
My legs and feet are burning
Tears sting
The goal is to finish, the goal is to finish
The goal is to finish
The Rochester Gilda’s Club volunteers
Are a welcome sight
At the end of the boardwalk
I want to run
I cannot run
I tell the volunteers what I’m doing
And that I’m a member in New York
They cheer extra loud
I try to run again
Suburbia.
The bridge.
Irondeqouit.
The hill.
The families have packed up
The saxophonist has gone inside
The horn players are still holding strong
One of them plays the call before a sergeant would yell
“Charge!”
I cannot charge. I wave.
Occasional police guard the road barricades
Volunteers.
Concrete bridge.
Maplewood Park.
The sweet teens from the
St John Fisher Rowing Team and
Harley Allendale Columbia Cross Country Club
Provide much needed water and cheering
The pink sports drink tastes like medicine
Head to the part where on the first lap
The half-marathon runners peeled away
I must be close?!
I am in agony
My feet hurt
My legs hurt
My sides hurt
My brain hurts
I’m slow
I’m last
Where is the finish?
Two miles to go.
Through Lower Falls Park
Run back over the river
A spectacular waterfall
I wish I had time to take a photo
I wish I had energy to take a photo
We leave the trail
Just before the 25 mile mark
A torturously steep hill
Toward the top, I see a guy bent over
Puking his guts up
I’ve never seen anything quite like it
He just keeps puking torrents of clear liquid
I wave to the volunteers at the top of the hill
They think I am waving because I need encouragement
I yell out, “He needs help!”
“What?”
“He needs help!”
The volunteers leap into action
An ambulance siren can be heard behind me
I hope the man is ok
Past another waterfall
My god, Rochester is gorgeous
I wish I could appreciate it
Right now, I have a marathon to finish
Turn onto a main road
The river becomes obscured by industrial warehouses
There is no shade
Only blazing sun
The world is unforgiving concrete and warehouses and trash
Cars crawl down the road on my left
Some guy rolls down his window
“Bit warm isn’t it?”
In my head, I tell him to fuck off
How many marathons have you run today, asshole?
I keep walking and trying to run
I know I’m so close
Turn right
Less than a kilometer to go
A volunteer: They’re going to close the course in 10 minutes
Me: No. I’m going to finish. Please tell them to let me finish.
I start running again.
The sky is bright blue.
My legs are burning.
My feet are burning.
Everything hurts.
Where is the goddamn finish line?!
I see it up ahead
I shuffle run
I desperately want to finish
Bonnie spots me. She cheers.
It gives me the last bit of oomph I need
I cross the finish line and burst into tears.
My calves cramp.
My feet cramp.
I am starving.
I down gatorade and a bagel.
And ice cream.
And water.
And more gatorade.
A massage therapist helps me through the cramping.
I have awful chafing between my legs. Didn’t think to put cream there. I know for next time.
That hurt.
That was hard.
I did it.
Marathon number four.
Feels incongruous the day after hundreds of thousands of people
March to save the world from climate change
Business as usual on the airlines
Plastic water bottles
Disposable single-use everything
Greeted by Bonnie at the airport
A new friend and immediate kindred spirit
We spend a delightful afternoon
With husband Kurt, and puppers ROz and Teddy
On a boat
Floating around Lake Honeoye
Dipping our feet in the chilly water
I envision abandoning everything to become a writer
Residing on the smallest of the Finger Lakes
In a little cabin
Making friends with the ducks and egrets
And learning to paddle board
Easy to have those visions
On the eve of a summery autumnal equinox
And not in the middle of a north-east frigid arctic winter
An enormous salad and grilled chicken for dinner
Downing gatorade. It’s going to be hot tomorrow.
Lay out the running gear
Place gels and dates in the pouch
Charge my phone
Charge the spare charger
Sleep and recharge myself
Wake up in the dark
A&D cream all over my feet
Under my sports bra
Under my arms
Don my uniform
Tie my laces
Bonnie and I head out as the sky is beginning to light
We drive to the finish line at Frontier Field
The parking lot is full of runners
School buses are lined up to take everyone down the road to the
Start line in Maplewood Park
We board with the other runners and a few supporters
A golden ball of a sun appears through the trees
Illuminating a sea of humanity
Over a thousand runners
Stretched out on the tennis courts
Bodies large and small, young and old
A celebration of humanity
The runners flex and chat
Nibble on apples and bananas and sachets of peanut butter
While their spouses and parents and loved ones stand by
Holding puppies and the remnants of breakfast
The announcer calls the runners to the start line
A benediction is given
While I’m in the port-a-loo
Thank you for the day, thank you for the runners, thank you for the volunteers
The national anthem is sung
It always makes me emotional
Last call to the start line
Bonnie waves,
I call out
“See you in six hours!”
A horn blares and we’re off
The Rochester Marathon 2019
Through the green and leafy park where
The air is cool and fresh
Out into an industrial looking area
(I later learn it is a Business Park)
One mile down,
Twenty-five point two to go.
Turn right onto Lake Avenue, a
Pretty tree-lined street
Running through the middle of two cemeteries
At the first water stop
I’m impressed that runners are throwing
Their cups into strategically placed bins
In New York, I’d be running on a sea of disintegrating paper
Make a right into Turning Point Park
Onto the Genesee Riverway Trail
Downhill under a canopy of trees
Someone has built cairns along the side of the path
Large and small stone towers precariously balanced
We come to the Genesee River
At the entrance to the boardwalk
A guitarist is playing
We run right over the water
And past mile four
Up the hill into suburbia
Turn right and come upon the entrance to a large bridge
The Colonel Patrick O'Rorke Memorial Bridge
It’s one of those bridges that can split in two
A marina below is filled with boats
The river is bounded by trees
A glorious sight
Over the bridge we enter
Irondeqouit
And begin a long loop back down to the start
I spend time wondering how to pronounce this place name
Iron-de-coit? Iron-de-quit? E-ron-de-quit?
The relay runners trade off
I envy the fresh runners
And try to run at my own pace
And not beat myself up for feeling slow
We come to a hill
Volunteers and onlookers at the top
You’ve got this! You made it!
All along St Paul’s Avenue
Families line the side of the road
They’ve set up their own water tables
Laden with snacks
Baked goods, fruit, and candy
“Take whatever you want! It’s all for you!”
One family has rented a jumping castle
Further down the road, a horn trio is set up on the grass
On one block, signs for Trump
On the next, signs for Biden and Warren
A kid tries to play saxophone while his friends
Run around him
A concrete bridge back over the river
A woman has the same hat as me
I tell her she has a nice hat
She laughs
Just before mile 10
We hear sirens
Motorbike police come down the road
“Move to the right. The leader is coming through!”
The man in first place comes sprinting past on his second lap
He is running so fast his feet seem to be touching his butt
His pace is incredible
We cheer for him
Back onto the Genesee River Trail
Through a parking lot filled with enthusiastic teens
Dressed in brightly colored outfits
Handing out water and gatorade
Back into Maplewood Park
The half-marathon runners can taste the finish
I breathe
End of the park
Back into the industrial zone
Half-way mark.
I’ve got this. I feel strong.
Marathon number four, you are mine.
Somewhere between mile 15 and 17
The sun begins to feel hot
I start to feel wiped
I begin to walk/run.
We turn right to make a loop through the Riverside Cemetery
To add an extra mile to the course
It’s quiet in the cemetery
I imagine the skeletons in their graves cheering for me
Wooohoooooo!
The occasional living volunteer with an orange flag points the way
I thank each one for staying on the course
I silently thank the volunteers unseen
Who placed yellow arrows on the ground
Genesee Riverway Trail
Trees. Cairns.
Downhill.
Run again.
The boardwalk. The river.
The guitarist is still there.
Thank you for being out here.
Thank you for playing.
I realize I’m not going to run this thing
In less than 6 hours
If I could run the rest of the way, I could do it
But the air is hot and
My legs and feet are burning
Tears sting
The goal is to finish, the goal is to finish
The goal is to finish
The Rochester Gilda’s Club volunteers
Are a welcome sight
At the end of the boardwalk
I want to run
I cannot run
I tell the volunteers what I’m doing
And that I’m a member in New York
They cheer extra loud
I try to run again
Suburbia.
The bridge.
Irondeqouit.
The hill.
The families have packed up
The saxophonist has gone inside
The horn players are still holding strong
One of them plays the call before a sergeant would yell
“Charge!”
I cannot charge. I wave.
Occasional police guard the road barricades
Volunteers.
Concrete bridge.
Maplewood Park.
The sweet teens from the
St John Fisher Rowing Team and
Harley Allendale Columbia Cross Country Club
Provide much needed water and cheering
The pink sports drink tastes like medicine
Head to the part where on the first lap
The half-marathon runners peeled away
I must be close?!
I am in agony
My feet hurt
My legs hurt
My sides hurt
My brain hurts
I’m slow
I’m last
Where is the finish?
Two miles to go.
Through Lower Falls Park
Run back over the river
A spectacular waterfall
I wish I had time to take a photo
I wish I had energy to take a photo
We leave the trail
Just before the 25 mile mark
A torturously steep hill
Toward the top, I see a guy bent over
Puking his guts up
I’ve never seen anything quite like it
He just keeps puking torrents of clear liquid
I wave to the volunteers at the top of the hill
They think I am waving because I need encouragement
I yell out, “He needs help!”
“What?”
“He needs help!”
The volunteers leap into action
An ambulance siren can be heard behind me
I hope the man is ok
Past another waterfall
My god, Rochester is gorgeous
I wish I could appreciate it
Right now, I have a marathon to finish
Turn onto a main road
The river becomes obscured by industrial warehouses
There is no shade
Only blazing sun
The world is unforgiving concrete and warehouses and trash
Cars crawl down the road on my left
Some guy rolls down his window
“Bit warm isn’t it?”
In my head, I tell him to fuck off
How many marathons have you run today, asshole?
I keep walking and trying to run
I know I’m so close
Turn right
Less than a kilometer to go
A volunteer: They’re going to close the course in 10 minutes
Me: No. I’m going to finish. Please tell them to let me finish.
I start running again.
The sky is bright blue.
My legs are burning.
My feet are burning.
Everything hurts.
Where is the goddamn finish line?!
I see it up ahead
I shuffle run
I desperately want to finish
Bonnie spots me. She cheers.
It gives me the last bit of oomph I need
I cross the finish line and burst into tears.
My calves cramp.
My feet cramp.
I am starving.
I down gatorade and a bagel.
And ice cream.
And water.
And more gatorade.
A massage therapist helps me through the cramping.
I have awful chafing between my legs. Didn’t think to put cream there. I know for next time.
That hurt.
That was hard.
I did it.
Marathon number four.
With thanks to Yellow Jacket Racing, the volunteers, the water stop groups, the musicians, and especially Bonnie Jaeckel for taking such good care of me.
The Rochester Marathon was my 4th marathon as part of my goal to run 5 marathons for 5 years of remission from acute myeloid leukemia. Number 5 will take place on November 4, a few days after the anniversary of my stem transplant, in New York City!
I am running with Fred's Team and raising vital funds for leukemia research at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. It's my way of saying thank you to the team that saved my life.
If you feel inspired by my story, please consider making a donation!
The Rochester Marathon was my 4th marathon as part of my goal to run 5 marathons for 5 years of remission from acute myeloid leukemia. Number 5 will take place on November 4, a few days after the anniversary of my stem transplant, in New York City!
I am running with Fred's Team and raising vital funds for leukemia research at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. It's my way of saying thank you to the team that saved my life.
If you feel inspired by my story, please consider making a donation!
- Published on
A whirlwind of a trip
Breakfast, lunch, and dinner
With different people, in different locations
Every day for thirteen days
My vain attempt to fit everyone and everything into two weeks
Leave summer in New York
Travel for over a day
To the other side of the world
Land in Sydney winter
Brunch with Mum, Dad, and Anita
A trip to the Northern Suburbs Memorial Garden
To “visit” the grandparents
There’s something comforting in the fact that they’re all in the same place
It’s a beautiful resting place
Gum trees and bottlebrush and eucalypts
I miss them
Playing in the park with Anna and Lucas and Meg and Phoebe
Dinner with Emma and Zaza
Passing out mid-sentence
Waking up to a bright blue sky and
The glorious view of Sydney Harbour
Our airbnb, a generous gift from Mum
Fighting off jetlag by
Running up and down to
Sawmillers Reserve
Memories of housesitting and
Heartbreak
The hills leave me winded
Catching the ferry
The old green and “gold” ferries still in operation
Are they really going to be decommissioned?
The Scarborough and Borrowdale, Fred Hollows, Victor Chang, and May Gibbs
Will being on the water under the Harbour Bridge ever get old?!
Walking through Circular Quay and
The Royal Botanical Gardens
The last place I sat and journaled before I went away
The NSW Art Gallery
Remembering the Singers’ concert
December, a 30C/90F day
Three people fainted, one right after the other
Contemporary Indigenous art
Walking the Gods exhibit
The appeal of Buddhism
Martin Place
Remembering the first time I walked into the Theatre Royal
Just to see if there were any jobs going
I stayed for eight years, on and off
It led me to work in the West End
And Broadway
It’s hard to see it boarded up
Braving the chilly wind to walk around Barangaroo
The surprise of the scale of it
Reclaiming the foreshore
An astonishing achievement
At the price of another casino
Laksa with Sam in the CBD
Cake and tea with Zaza in the QVB
Sushi train with Emma in The Galleries
Breakfast with Miren
Accompanied by a flock of rainbow lorikeets
And a view to melt your heart
Walking from Bondi to Coogee
Skirting the glorious Pacific Ocean
Was it always this clear?
Remembering when I used to go running here
When I used to sit in Waverley Cemetery overlooking the ocean
When I went through a phase of meeting foreign men and going on one date and realizing I was not even a little bit interested
It’s not quite spring, but the flowers are in bloom
Fluffy yellow wattle on dark green leaves against a bright blue sky
Lunch at Tum’s, still the best pad thai in Sydney
Before cancer
Before Aaron
Before London
Before Buck’s Rock
Before Kris
There was uni
The site of my worst depression
The place of my happiest late teens and early twenties
Never leaving campus for more than week from the day I enrolled
To the day I graduated
Twelve years and a lifetime later
Meeting up with Sanger and Yaui
Drinking in the fancy new alumni bar
Crying at the place where Studio One used to be
Being devastated that Contact (my first job with a salary)
Has been replaced by Google
Back in my day, there were no smart phones
Dinner with Peter and Janiene, Alyse and Ryan, and Dad and Anita
Re-discovering Chatswood and the shopping centre
The brands are all still the same
Glassons and SportsGirl and the Australian Geographic
The fairy shop in Lemon Grove has vanished
But a Chinese restaurant downstairs is serving breakfast
We order everything on the menu
Congee, noodle soups, dumplings, pork buns, and fried dough
Accompanied by philosophical discussion with Eran
Steven, a friend from high school appears out of no where
I don’t think I’ve seen him in about seventeen years
Riding the new metro
It’s clean and fast and goes all the way to Tallawong
North Shore/Eastern Suburbs/Inner West me
Has never even heard of Tallawong
When I was little, going to Kellyville was going to the ends of the earth and it took forever
The metro gets you there in half an hour!
More memories in Epping
I squeeze Aaron’s hand extra tight
Featherdale Wildlife Park with Mum
A chance to see Aussie flora and fauna up close
The in-heat koalas stink, but they are rather gorgeous
We have a photo with Archie
And wander through the park
Kookaburras and cockatoos and lorikeets
Warblers, magpies, pipits, and owls
I’d forgotten the abundance of of birds
Kangaroos and wallabies
Echidnas, quokkas, snakes and
Eerie ghost bats devouring baby chicks
A baby echidna is called a puddle
The smallest penguins on earth are called Little Penguins
The infamous ibises (ibi?) terrorize small children and
Threaten to steal our lunch
In Katoomba
The temperature drops
The wind blows furiously
It feels like we will be blown away past The Three Sisters
Dinner with Lenny and Sarah and Luca, and Molly
Being spoilt in a fancy hotel
Breakfast overlooking the valley
A sea of trees
The thrill of the Scenic Railway, steepest in the world
Formerly providing access to the mines below
Now a tourist attraction
Descending into the beauty of the rainforest
The astonishing cliffs
The smell of earth and stone and eucalypts
Ancient tall trees and barbarous vines and pale green ferns
Lyrebirds dance beneath the boardwalk
We meet Trish at the Sydney Coliseum
Another place that Didn’t Exist Before
An incredible new cultural venue in the West
Visions of abandoning everything and coming to work for Trish again
Back in Sydney
Aaron prepares for his talk
Mum and I have our nails did
Then off to the pub and the skeptics
For Aaron to deliver his lecture on moral luck
It is inspiring and amusing to see the philosopher hold court
My worlds collide, high school, singers, uni, and camp
Mikey, Erin, Jenna, Sam, and Emma
Feeling so lucky to have crossed paths with such wonderful folk
Day six - sister day!
Meet Anita at Taronga Zoo
Ride the skyway to the top of the hill
Pop into see the Bird Show
Owls and black-crested cockatoos fly perilously close
Parading their beauty
Sydney Harbour provides the scenic backdrop
Cerulean blue sky and dark navy water
Offset by the green of the gum trees
Makes my heart catch in my throat
Wend our way down
Playful chimpanzees show off their high ropes skills and
Tumble in the grass
Crocodiles, saltwater and fresh, sit low in the water
Around the corner, line up for the Tiger Trek!
Pretend you’re on a plane
Land in “Sumatra”
A surprisingly effective reminder of
Where the tigers actually come from
The threat of extinction caused by humans
Across the way, the giraffes no longer have the best in view in Sydney
A “savannah” is being constructed
We arrive to their temporary enclosure in time for feeding
Long blue tongues lick up carrots and spinach from the innards of giant bottles
And strip leaves off branches for dessert
Giraffes have colour vision so they can see which leaves are ripe
A mob of meerkats stand as tall as they can
Right before we leave we come across
Fire pillows! Red pandas playing on a fallen log
Drive across to Balmain
A quick tour through Phoebe’s school
Up to Darling Street for
Decadent pastries and tea
Meet Meg
Lavish Turkish grill for dinner
Up early for the Eveleigh Farmers Market
Aaron is ready to move to Sydney for the food alone
I want a croque madame and instead
We stumble upon Vietnamese pho and decide
Breakfast pho is imperative
Meet Anita at King’s Cross
Over to the inner west to catch
Phoebe’s netball game
It’s hot on the court in full sun
Flashbacks to PSSA netball
A lifetime ago
The day gets away
We don’t make it to Sanger’s game day and I feel awful
Dinner with Mum’s side of the family at Delicado
Paella and croquettes, chorizo and ensaladas
At the last minute we decide to go down to Luna Park
Sydney Harbour by night
Sparkling lights, cool air
Walk off the rich food
In the morning, out to Marrickville
Picnic brunch
A meeting of dear friends, old and new
Kane, Ste, Theresa, Danielle, David, Sarah, Erin, Courtney, Keyna, Tully, Lyra, and Sol
Hannah and Lesley, and the skeptics from the pub
Delicious dips and cinnamon doughnuts
We could chat for hours
Taxi home to McMahon’s Point
The strange coincidence of one of the new friends living in the exact same building
In the afternoon
Over to Aunty Lou’s to see Dad’s side of the family
The little cousins not so little any more
The afternoon slips away
And we’re ready to go home and fall into bed
First meal of the day at Rising Sun Workshop
Breakfast ramen and miso tomato soup
Grilled cheese with bacon
The beautiful Heldon crew, Lori, Kristen, Naomi, Carolyn, and Lily
Wandering through Newtown and wishing we had more time
Jump on the train
Traveling down the North Shore Line
St Leonard’s, Artarmon, Chatswood, Roseville, Lindfield, Killara, Gordon, Turramurra
(All stations to Berowra)
Like traveling back in my own time capsule
My first love
My first kiss
My first engagement
Singing on the train (thank god I was a teenager before smart phones and social media)
Taking the meditation course and being unable to say my own name out loud from grief on day one to announcing on the last day that I was moving to London
Even with the astonishing development all along the Pacific Highway
It feels quaint after the freeways of New Jersey
The train station signs used to be blue
Now they’re all orange
Meet Mum at Turramurra
Drive down Bobbin Head Road
The Sphinx
Carved by a war vet who lived up the road
A quick walk down a bush trail
Kuringai Chase National Park
The literal backyard of my childhood
The air-blackened sandstone
The sandy soil
The spiky grass trees with their scorched trunks
The scribbly gums and eucalyptus still charred from the fires that raged over twenty years ago
The morning’s rain makes the air smell quintessentially
Australian Bush
I breathe it in deeply
Meet Miss Boyle at Kuringai
Twenty years since I went to school there
Memories of people and a life past
The Bini, dome-shaped school hall
Where it all started
My first solo
My first lead in a musical
The place where I performed my first devised pieces
The bush behind the school where I ran cross-country
After school drama club in the dance studio
Creative arts camp
Outside the classroom where the science teacher set off mini mushroom clouds
The library, now named for Catherine Jinx
But stripped of its books to make way for
Open Learning Spaces
Thankful thankful thankful for the time I had there
Drive over to Mount Colah
Clairie is a Mama, sweet little boys and a growing garden
Further up to Brooklyn, Sydney
By the time we get there it’s dark
Dinner at the Workers’ club with Helen, Sofia, and Luisito
Family and musical theatre
Catching the bus over to Lane Cove
Check out Dad’s new digs
Breakfast at the shops
Over to Circular Quay
We decide to wander the gardens again
The muscular Moreton Bay Figs seem enormous
The sails of the Opera House
The Museum of Contemporary Art and the whirling dervish
Back on the train and up to Roseville
Coffee with Aunty Lou and Benny
Over to Killara to see Amanda and newborn Mieke
Dinner with Sarah and Dave and little Annabelle
Walking around the Harbour on a warm evening
Breakfast with Dad at City Extra
Avocado and toast instead of chicken and chips
Meet Fred outside St Andrew’s Cathedral
Wandering around Darling Harbour
Being constantly amazed at construction and development
Over to Star City (now called The Star)
Matinee of Muriel’s Wedding: The Musical
A joy to see Victoria and Kaeng and Tom doing what they do best
Wandering around the bookstore
Dumplings with Emma and Carol in Ashfield
The second-last day is
The first full day of rain
Breakfast with soon-to-be-mama Yvette in Redfern
Meet Susan in Circular Quay
The rain will not cease
And the Manly-Spit Walk is off the cards
Find refuge in tea at the MCA
Over to Chinatown for lunch where
The noodle bowls are hot and spicy
Down to the Chinese Gardens, maybe the rain will stop
The gardens are beautiful
The weather is freezing and wet
We meet Zara and Courtney for a drink in a hidden cozy bar
Head over to Meg and Phoebe’s
Roast for dinner
Missing being able to hang out with my sisters on a regular basis
The final day
The rain has not abated
Emma meets us
Leftover-clean-out-the-fridge breakfast of champions
Catch the ferry to the aquarium
Merlin have bought the attraction
Now you take a ride to see the penguins
The shark tunnel is still thrilling
The giant stingrays
The beauty of the tropical tanks
I’m thankful I got to see the Great Barrier Reef when it was still alive
I was only small, but I still remember the colours
Back on the ferry to McMahon’s Point
Load up the car, last sweep of the flat
Lunch at Piato’s with Mum and Howard
Pick-up Anita from work
Over to the airport
Check-in via computer, no human interaction any more
Family pictures before we go through
It’s tradition
How lucky I was to grow up in Sydney
City of beach and bush
Sandstone and trees
The strangeness and loveliness of being in
The land of childhood and memory
With my husband by my side
Thankful to my parents who made it all possible
Thankful to everyone who gave us time
Sorry to have missed so many
Say farewell, for now.
Breakfast, lunch, and dinner
With different people, in different locations
Every day for thirteen days
My vain attempt to fit everyone and everything into two weeks
Leave summer in New York
Travel for over a day
To the other side of the world
Land in Sydney winter
Brunch with Mum, Dad, and Anita
A trip to the Northern Suburbs Memorial Garden
To “visit” the grandparents
There’s something comforting in the fact that they’re all in the same place
It’s a beautiful resting place
Gum trees and bottlebrush and eucalypts
I miss them
Playing in the park with Anna and Lucas and Meg and Phoebe
Dinner with Emma and Zaza
Passing out mid-sentence
Waking up to a bright blue sky and
The glorious view of Sydney Harbour
Our airbnb, a generous gift from Mum
Fighting off jetlag by
Running up and down to
Sawmillers Reserve
Memories of housesitting and
Heartbreak
The hills leave me winded
Catching the ferry
The old green and “gold” ferries still in operation
Are they really going to be decommissioned?
The Scarborough and Borrowdale, Fred Hollows, Victor Chang, and May Gibbs
Will being on the water under the Harbour Bridge ever get old?!
Walking through Circular Quay and
The Royal Botanical Gardens
The last place I sat and journaled before I went away
The NSW Art Gallery
Remembering the Singers’ concert
December, a 30C/90F day
Three people fainted, one right after the other
Contemporary Indigenous art
Walking the Gods exhibit
The appeal of Buddhism
Martin Place
Remembering the first time I walked into the Theatre Royal
Just to see if there were any jobs going
I stayed for eight years, on and off
It led me to work in the West End
And Broadway
It’s hard to see it boarded up
Braving the chilly wind to walk around Barangaroo
The surprise of the scale of it
Reclaiming the foreshore
An astonishing achievement
At the price of another casino
Laksa with Sam in the CBD
Cake and tea with Zaza in the QVB
Sushi train with Emma in The Galleries
Breakfast with Miren
Accompanied by a flock of rainbow lorikeets
And a view to melt your heart
Walking from Bondi to Coogee
Skirting the glorious Pacific Ocean
Was it always this clear?
Remembering when I used to go running here
When I used to sit in Waverley Cemetery overlooking the ocean
When I went through a phase of meeting foreign men and going on one date and realizing I was not even a little bit interested
It’s not quite spring, but the flowers are in bloom
Fluffy yellow wattle on dark green leaves against a bright blue sky
Lunch at Tum’s, still the best pad thai in Sydney
Before cancer
Before Aaron
Before London
Before Buck’s Rock
Before Kris
There was uni
The site of my worst depression
The place of my happiest late teens and early twenties
Never leaving campus for more than week from the day I enrolled
To the day I graduated
Twelve years and a lifetime later
Meeting up with Sanger and Yaui
Drinking in the fancy new alumni bar
Crying at the place where Studio One used to be
Being devastated that Contact (my first job with a salary)
Has been replaced by Google
Back in my day, there were no smart phones
Dinner with Peter and Janiene, Alyse and Ryan, and Dad and Anita
Re-discovering Chatswood and the shopping centre
The brands are all still the same
Glassons and SportsGirl and the Australian Geographic
The fairy shop in Lemon Grove has vanished
But a Chinese restaurant downstairs is serving breakfast
We order everything on the menu
Congee, noodle soups, dumplings, pork buns, and fried dough
Accompanied by philosophical discussion with Eran
Steven, a friend from high school appears out of no where
I don’t think I’ve seen him in about seventeen years
Riding the new metro
It’s clean and fast and goes all the way to Tallawong
North Shore/Eastern Suburbs/Inner West me
Has never even heard of Tallawong
When I was little, going to Kellyville was going to the ends of the earth and it took forever
The metro gets you there in half an hour!
More memories in Epping
I squeeze Aaron’s hand extra tight
Featherdale Wildlife Park with Mum
A chance to see Aussie flora and fauna up close
The in-heat koalas stink, but they are rather gorgeous
We have a photo with Archie
And wander through the park
Kookaburras and cockatoos and lorikeets
Warblers, magpies, pipits, and owls
I’d forgotten the abundance of of birds
Kangaroos and wallabies
Echidnas, quokkas, snakes and
Eerie ghost bats devouring baby chicks
A baby echidna is called a puddle
The smallest penguins on earth are called Little Penguins
The infamous ibises (ibi?) terrorize small children and
Threaten to steal our lunch
In Katoomba
The temperature drops
The wind blows furiously
It feels like we will be blown away past The Three Sisters
Dinner with Lenny and Sarah and Luca, and Molly
Being spoilt in a fancy hotel
Breakfast overlooking the valley
A sea of trees
The thrill of the Scenic Railway, steepest in the world
Formerly providing access to the mines below
Now a tourist attraction
Descending into the beauty of the rainforest
The astonishing cliffs
The smell of earth and stone and eucalypts
Ancient tall trees and barbarous vines and pale green ferns
Lyrebirds dance beneath the boardwalk
We meet Trish at the Sydney Coliseum
Another place that Didn’t Exist Before
An incredible new cultural venue in the West
Visions of abandoning everything and coming to work for Trish again
Back in Sydney
Aaron prepares for his talk
Mum and I have our nails did
Then off to the pub and the skeptics
For Aaron to deliver his lecture on moral luck
It is inspiring and amusing to see the philosopher hold court
My worlds collide, high school, singers, uni, and camp
Mikey, Erin, Jenna, Sam, and Emma
Feeling so lucky to have crossed paths with such wonderful folk
Day six - sister day!
Meet Anita at Taronga Zoo
Ride the skyway to the top of the hill
Pop into see the Bird Show
Owls and black-crested cockatoos fly perilously close
Parading their beauty
Sydney Harbour provides the scenic backdrop
Cerulean blue sky and dark navy water
Offset by the green of the gum trees
Makes my heart catch in my throat
Wend our way down
Playful chimpanzees show off their high ropes skills and
Tumble in the grass
Crocodiles, saltwater and fresh, sit low in the water
Around the corner, line up for the Tiger Trek!
Pretend you’re on a plane
Land in “Sumatra”
A surprisingly effective reminder of
Where the tigers actually come from
The threat of extinction caused by humans
Across the way, the giraffes no longer have the best in view in Sydney
A “savannah” is being constructed
We arrive to their temporary enclosure in time for feeding
Long blue tongues lick up carrots and spinach from the innards of giant bottles
And strip leaves off branches for dessert
Giraffes have colour vision so they can see which leaves are ripe
A mob of meerkats stand as tall as they can
Right before we leave we come across
Fire pillows! Red pandas playing on a fallen log
Drive across to Balmain
A quick tour through Phoebe’s school
Up to Darling Street for
Decadent pastries and tea
Meet Meg
Lavish Turkish grill for dinner
Up early for the Eveleigh Farmers Market
Aaron is ready to move to Sydney for the food alone
I want a croque madame and instead
We stumble upon Vietnamese pho and decide
Breakfast pho is imperative
Meet Anita at King’s Cross
Over to the inner west to catch
Phoebe’s netball game
It’s hot on the court in full sun
Flashbacks to PSSA netball
A lifetime ago
The day gets away
We don’t make it to Sanger’s game day and I feel awful
Dinner with Mum’s side of the family at Delicado
Paella and croquettes, chorizo and ensaladas
At the last minute we decide to go down to Luna Park
Sydney Harbour by night
Sparkling lights, cool air
Walk off the rich food
In the morning, out to Marrickville
Picnic brunch
A meeting of dear friends, old and new
Kane, Ste, Theresa, Danielle, David, Sarah, Erin, Courtney, Keyna, Tully, Lyra, and Sol
Hannah and Lesley, and the skeptics from the pub
Delicious dips and cinnamon doughnuts
We could chat for hours
Taxi home to McMahon’s Point
The strange coincidence of one of the new friends living in the exact same building
In the afternoon
Over to Aunty Lou’s to see Dad’s side of the family
The little cousins not so little any more
The afternoon slips away
And we’re ready to go home and fall into bed
First meal of the day at Rising Sun Workshop
Breakfast ramen and miso tomato soup
Grilled cheese with bacon
The beautiful Heldon crew, Lori, Kristen, Naomi, Carolyn, and Lily
Wandering through Newtown and wishing we had more time
Jump on the train
Traveling down the North Shore Line
St Leonard’s, Artarmon, Chatswood, Roseville, Lindfield, Killara, Gordon, Turramurra
(All stations to Berowra)
Like traveling back in my own time capsule
My first love
My first kiss
My first engagement
Singing on the train (thank god I was a teenager before smart phones and social media)
Taking the meditation course and being unable to say my own name out loud from grief on day one to announcing on the last day that I was moving to London
Even with the astonishing development all along the Pacific Highway
It feels quaint after the freeways of New Jersey
The train station signs used to be blue
Now they’re all orange
Meet Mum at Turramurra
Drive down Bobbin Head Road
The Sphinx
Carved by a war vet who lived up the road
A quick walk down a bush trail
Kuringai Chase National Park
The literal backyard of my childhood
The air-blackened sandstone
The sandy soil
The spiky grass trees with their scorched trunks
The scribbly gums and eucalyptus still charred from the fires that raged over twenty years ago
The morning’s rain makes the air smell quintessentially
Australian Bush
I breathe it in deeply
Meet Miss Boyle at Kuringai
Twenty years since I went to school there
Memories of people and a life past
The Bini, dome-shaped school hall
Where it all started
My first solo
My first lead in a musical
The place where I performed my first devised pieces
The bush behind the school where I ran cross-country
After school drama club in the dance studio
Creative arts camp
Outside the classroom where the science teacher set off mini mushroom clouds
The library, now named for Catherine Jinx
But stripped of its books to make way for
Open Learning Spaces
Thankful thankful thankful for the time I had there
Drive over to Mount Colah
Clairie is a Mama, sweet little boys and a growing garden
Further up to Brooklyn, Sydney
By the time we get there it’s dark
Dinner at the Workers’ club with Helen, Sofia, and Luisito
Family and musical theatre
Catching the bus over to Lane Cove
Check out Dad’s new digs
Breakfast at the shops
Over to Circular Quay
We decide to wander the gardens again
The muscular Moreton Bay Figs seem enormous
The sails of the Opera House
The Museum of Contemporary Art and the whirling dervish
Back on the train and up to Roseville
Coffee with Aunty Lou and Benny
Over to Killara to see Amanda and newborn Mieke
Dinner with Sarah and Dave and little Annabelle
Walking around the Harbour on a warm evening
Breakfast with Dad at City Extra
Avocado and toast instead of chicken and chips
Meet Fred outside St Andrew’s Cathedral
Wandering around Darling Harbour
Being constantly amazed at construction and development
Over to Star City (now called The Star)
Matinee of Muriel’s Wedding: The Musical
A joy to see Victoria and Kaeng and Tom doing what they do best
Wandering around the bookstore
Dumplings with Emma and Carol in Ashfield
The second-last day is
The first full day of rain
Breakfast with soon-to-be-mama Yvette in Redfern
Meet Susan in Circular Quay
The rain will not cease
And the Manly-Spit Walk is off the cards
Find refuge in tea at the MCA
Over to Chinatown for lunch where
The noodle bowls are hot and spicy
Down to the Chinese Gardens, maybe the rain will stop
The gardens are beautiful
The weather is freezing and wet
We meet Zara and Courtney for a drink in a hidden cozy bar
Head over to Meg and Phoebe’s
Roast for dinner
Missing being able to hang out with my sisters on a regular basis
The final day
The rain has not abated
Emma meets us
Leftover-clean-out-the-fridge breakfast of champions
Catch the ferry to the aquarium
Merlin have bought the attraction
Now you take a ride to see the penguins
The shark tunnel is still thrilling
The giant stingrays
The beauty of the tropical tanks
I’m thankful I got to see the Great Barrier Reef when it was still alive
I was only small, but I still remember the colours
Back on the ferry to McMahon’s Point
Load up the car, last sweep of the flat
Lunch at Piato’s with Mum and Howard
Pick-up Anita from work
Over to the airport
Check-in via computer, no human interaction any more
Family pictures before we go through
It’s tradition
How lucky I was to grow up in Sydney
City of beach and bush
Sandstone and trees
The strangeness and loveliness of being in
The land of childhood and memory
With my husband by my side
Thankful to my parents who made it all possible
Thankful to everyone who gave us time
Sorry to have missed so many
Say farewell, for now.
- Published on
The Outer Banks of North Carolina
A gathering of extended family
Staying in a 10 bedroom extravaganza
A stones throw from the sand
So close that you never escape
The grainy feel underfoot
Elsewhere it would be gross
But at the beach
It’s heaven
In the early morning
You sit on the sand
And breathe in the briny air
Even though the sun has not yet made its official appearance
The sky is light
The horizon highlighter orange and pink
Tiny translucent crabs build covert castles
Complete with secret tunnels and passages
Pelicans fly in formation above the foam while
Little willets flit back and forth
Pecking at the sand
Seemingly oblivious to the crabs and
Silvery fish flying out of the water
Humans sit and stand at the edge
iPhones at the ready to
Capture the start of the day
The sun slowly peeps above the horizon
In mere moments, shows its full self
A giant glowing orange ball
Burning away any traces of cool the night had attempted to bestow
The day is already sweltering and
The crabs disappear into their cool subterranean abodes
You swim in the ocean
And the pool and
Every time you’re immersed in the salty water
You feel rejuvenated.
You remember how this time 5 years ago
You were in the hospital
And craving the ocean
Roanoke Island is nearby
Home to The Lost Colony Theatre
"A celebration of the first English colonies"
Who vanished (from white existence)
We learn from a friend
There are no Native Americans in the cast
Or in the creative team
Inside the Elizabethan Gardens
A statue of Virginia Dare
“First English child born in the New World”
Sculpted by Louisa Lander
19th century American artist who lived in Rome and
Imagined the child grew to become
An Indian Princess
Elsewhere in the garden
Brightly colored butterflies sip nectar in the sanctuary
Accompanied by piped in classical music
A 9ft statue of Elizabeth I claims to be the
Largest likeness of Her Majesty in the world
A bronze British monarch demanding rule of ancient oaks
In the evenings
Your family by marriage gathers around the enormous table
Good people enjoying good food served with love and
Plenty of laughter
Homemade margaritas, daiquiris, and sangria
Cheese and olives and warm toasted crusts of bread
Artichoke hearts and crab dip and shrimp
Korean BBQ
Bushels of steamed crabs laid out on yesterday’s news
(Slightly unnerving to be admiring them at sunrise and eating their brethren at sunset)
Cracked and dipped in melted butter and bowls of vinegar
Somehow still hungry
We eat enchiladas, surf and turf grill, and seafood boil
With cheesecake and ice cream and chocolate for dessert
One late afternoon
The clouds begin rehearsing for a show
It begins in earnest around 8pm
Lightning flashes and strikes
Over the ocean
And still the air is hot.
A gathering of extended family
Staying in a 10 bedroom extravaganza
A stones throw from the sand
So close that you never escape
The grainy feel underfoot
Elsewhere it would be gross
But at the beach
It’s heaven
In the early morning
You sit on the sand
And breathe in the briny air
Even though the sun has not yet made its official appearance
The sky is light
The horizon highlighter orange and pink
Tiny translucent crabs build covert castles
Complete with secret tunnels and passages
Pelicans fly in formation above the foam while
Little willets flit back and forth
Pecking at the sand
Seemingly oblivious to the crabs and
Silvery fish flying out of the water
Humans sit and stand at the edge
iPhones at the ready to
Capture the start of the day
The sun slowly peeps above the horizon
In mere moments, shows its full self
A giant glowing orange ball
Burning away any traces of cool the night had attempted to bestow
The day is already sweltering and
The crabs disappear into their cool subterranean abodes
You swim in the ocean
And the pool and
Every time you’re immersed in the salty water
You feel rejuvenated.
You remember how this time 5 years ago
You were in the hospital
And craving the ocean
Roanoke Island is nearby
Home to The Lost Colony Theatre
"A celebration of the first English colonies"
Who vanished (from white existence)
We learn from a friend
There are no Native Americans in the cast
Or in the creative team
Inside the Elizabethan Gardens
A statue of Virginia Dare
“First English child born in the New World”
Sculpted by Louisa Lander
19th century American artist who lived in Rome and
Imagined the child grew to become
An Indian Princess
Elsewhere in the garden
Brightly colored butterflies sip nectar in the sanctuary
Accompanied by piped in classical music
A 9ft statue of Elizabeth I claims to be the
Largest likeness of Her Majesty in the world
A bronze British monarch demanding rule of ancient oaks
In the evenings
Your family by marriage gathers around the enormous table
Good people enjoying good food served with love and
Plenty of laughter
Homemade margaritas, daiquiris, and sangria
Cheese and olives and warm toasted crusts of bread
Artichoke hearts and crab dip and shrimp
Korean BBQ
Bushels of steamed crabs laid out on yesterday’s news
(Slightly unnerving to be admiring them at sunrise and eating their brethren at sunset)
Cracked and dipped in melted butter and bowls of vinegar
Somehow still hungry
We eat enchiladas, surf and turf grill, and seafood boil
With cheesecake and ice cream and chocolate for dessert
One late afternoon
The clouds begin rehearsing for a show
It begins in earnest around 8pm
Lightning flashes and strikes
Over the ocean
And still the air is hot.
- Published on
(body art by Jemma Fassett)
Today is my 5th cancerversary.
Five years ago I went to the E.R. with what I thought was the flu, and infected bug bites, one on each leg. My blood work quickly showed that my white cell counts were astronomically high. The doctor told me I would start to hear the word “cancer.” I told him he had the wrong patient. I was an organic eating vegetarian who exercised regularly, never smoked, rarely drank, and meditated. I didn’t have cancer.
I had cancer. Acute myeloid leukemia, a rare blood cancer that more is more likely to affect men in their sixties and has a survival rate beyond 5 years of around 25-30%. I was told that if I didn’t undergo immediate treatment, I’d be dead in a month.
We still don’t know what causes acute myeloid leukemia. Risk factors include: high doses of radiation or benzene. Nope. Smoking. Nope. Previous radiation or chemotherapy. Nope. (Well, now, yup. See below for Fear of Relapse). Family history. Nope.
Over a dozen bone marrow biopsies (how did I manage to forget the actual number?!), 11 doses of full body radiation, 3 rounds of chemo, and 1 stem cell transplant with cells donated by my sister, Anita, later, I was declared in remission.
The recovery was hell. I had nausea. Fatigue. Depression. Anxiety. Mood swings. Weight swings. Chemo brain. My fingernails fell off one by one. I went into early onset menopause. My thyroid stopped working. I had osteopenia. I was immune suppressed and not allowed to eat takeout, ride the subway, or go to the theatre. I lost all my hair, including my eyelashes. Actually, I loved being bald. Cancer perk: I discovered I rock a shaved head.
I got to attend my own funeral. I got to feel the outpouring of love and support when we told everyone I was sick.
I was told it would take 3-5 years to recover. They were not wrong. It was tough and felt like it would last forever. With the support of my amazing husband, Aaron, and our tribe of generous wonderful folk, we got through it. Pro-tip, if you have to go through a terrifying health crisis shortly after getting married, make sure you have married a Zen Boy Scout.
Five years later, I’m healthy and strong. I run marathons dammit!
The mental game is the hardest. I’m terrified of relapse. Every headache, every time I’m over-tired, every bruise, every cut that takes a little longer to heal must be Cancer. Every medical appointment is stressful and anxiety-inducing. Most medical professionals I’ve encountered outside of Memorial Sloan Kettering don’t understand how to treat a Young Adult Survivor of Leukemia. They don’t understand that a 30-something woman can be in menopause. I’m impatient. I want everything done/learnt/achieved yesterday.
I’m rushing to catch up on lost time. To make the most of time in case it’s limited. I’ve seen 141 shows since I was allowed back into a theatre. I’ve run three marathons and three half-marathons. I’ve written and performed a one-woman show about my experience, The Big C Cabaret.
The chances of relapse decrease significantly after 5 years. Have I really reached that magic number? After losing the genetic lottery that gave me blood cancer in the first place, have I won the Cancer Survival lottery? Knock on wood. Turn around three times. Throw salt in the air.
The places on my legs where the infected bug bites were have turned into beautiful mandala shaped scars. When I’m wearing shorts, people see them and ask, “what are those marks on your legs?” They are my story.
In September my legs and I are going to run our 4th marathon.
In November, on the 5th anniversary of my stem cell transplant, I’ll run my 5th marathon. I’m running with Fred’s Team and raising vital funds for leukemia research at Memorial Sloan Kettering. It’s my way of saying thank you to the amazing doctors and researchers that saved my life.
Five years ago, I was dying.
Today, I am here. I am here. I am here!
Five years ago I went to the E.R. with what I thought was the flu, and infected bug bites, one on each leg. My blood work quickly showed that my white cell counts were astronomically high. The doctor told me I would start to hear the word “cancer.” I told him he had the wrong patient. I was an organic eating vegetarian who exercised regularly, never smoked, rarely drank, and meditated. I didn’t have cancer.
I had cancer. Acute myeloid leukemia, a rare blood cancer that more is more likely to affect men in their sixties and has a survival rate beyond 5 years of around 25-30%. I was told that if I didn’t undergo immediate treatment, I’d be dead in a month.
We still don’t know what causes acute myeloid leukemia. Risk factors include: high doses of radiation or benzene. Nope. Smoking. Nope. Previous radiation or chemotherapy. Nope. (Well, now, yup. See below for Fear of Relapse). Family history. Nope.
Over a dozen bone marrow biopsies (how did I manage to forget the actual number?!), 11 doses of full body radiation, 3 rounds of chemo, and 1 stem cell transplant with cells donated by my sister, Anita, later, I was declared in remission.
The recovery was hell. I had nausea. Fatigue. Depression. Anxiety. Mood swings. Weight swings. Chemo brain. My fingernails fell off one by one. I went into early onset menopause. My thyroid stopped working. I had osteopenia. I was immune suppressed and not allowed to eat takeout, ride the subway, or go to the theatre. I lost all my hair, including my eyelashes. Actually, I loved being bald. Cancer perk: I discovered I rock a shaved head.
I got to attend my own funeral. I got to feel the outpouring of love and support when we told everyone I was sick.
I was told it would take 3-5 years to recover. They were not wrong. It was tough and felt like it would last forever. With the support of my amazing husband, Aaron, and our tribe of generous wonderful folk, we got through it. Pro-tip, if you have to go through a terrifying health crisis shortly after getting married, make sure you have married a Zen Boy Scout.
Five years later, I’m healthy and strong. I run marathons dammit!
The mental game is the hardest. I’m terrified of relapse. Every headache, every time I’m over-tired, every bruise, every cut that takes a little longer to heal must be Cancer. Every medical appointment is stressful and anxiety-inducing. Most medical professionals I’ve encountered outside of Memorial Sloan Kettering don’t understand how to treat a Young Adult Survivor of Leukemia. They don’t understand that a 30-something woman can be in menopause. I’m impatient. I want everything done/learnt/achieved yesterday.
I’m rushing to catch up on lost time. To make the most of time in case it’s limited. I’ve seen 141 shows since I was allowed back into a theatre. I’ve run three marathons and three half-marathons. I’ve written and performed a one-woman show about my experience, The Big C Cabaret.
The chances of relapse decrease significantly after 5 years. Have I really reached that magic number? After losing the genetic lottery that gave me blood cancer in the first place, have I won the Cancer Survival lottery? Knock on wood. Turn around three times. Throw salt in the air.
The places on my legs where the infected bug bites were have turned into beautiful mandala shaped scars. When I’m wearing shorts, people see them and ask, “what are those marks on your legs?” They are my story.
In September my legs and I are going to run our 4th marathon.
In November, on the 5th anniversary of my stem cell transplant, I’ll run my 5th marathon. I’m running with Fred’s Team and raising vital funds for leukemia research at Memorial Sloan Kettering. It’s my way of saying thank you to the amazing doctors and researchers that saved my life.
Five years ago, I was dying.
Today, I am here. I am here. I am here!
Please feel free to share!
- Published on
“...every once in while, pure chance intercedes to remind us that whatever structures of control we may put into place, however much we may mistake the illusion of choice for the fact of choice, randomness is the reigning monarch of the universe.”
Maria Popova, Figuring
There are trillions upon trillions of
Stars in our universe,
Give or take, and
Millions upon millions of
Published books.
I used to wonder
How has the world has not fallen off its axis
With the weight of all the books
We have written?
How do we choose
Between the great volumes
Of words and pages and titles and texts
Which ones to read?
Choice, luck, happenstance?
One day at
Thirteen
My voracious bookworm self
Desired to read a good chunky book
I browsed the shelves
Of my school library
And came across
Sophie’s World
By Jostein Gaarder
A crash course in the history of
Western Philosophy
I remember walking the perimeter of the playground
Where we went camping
While reading it
It led to The Solitaire Mystery and Maya
A new way of seeing the world
Is it a coincidence that I would one day
Marry a philosopher?
One day when
I was seventeen or eighteen
Thumbing through the Sydney Morning Herald
A section called
“Can You Judge A Book (By Its First Page)”
(Or something of the like)
The first page of a book
Followed by a review
“Wooooooo-
hoooooo what a fall what a soar what a plummet what a dash into dark into light what a plunge what a glide thud crash what a drop what a rush what a swoop what a fright what a mad hushed skirl what a smash mush mash-up broke and gashed what a heart in my mouth what an end.”
Ali Smith’s Hotel World
I would sporadically check the shelves in Dymocks
Fiction: Smi-
To see what else she had written
It made me want to write
My first published story was an imitation of its style
It led me to The Accidental and Like, and
Seventeen years later
Ali Smith is still writing and publishing and
I’m still reading every word
I don’t recall when I first came across Brain Pickings
Written/curated/nurtured
By the extraordinary Maria Popova
I think I was still in Sydney?
Or perhaps it was London?
The perils of the internet
Memory is different now
But at thirty-four
I read an excerpt of Popova’s Figuring
And knew it was another sparkling luminescence
I borrowed it from the library
And quickly realized I needed my own copy
It’s a brick of a book
I’ve lugged it around Manhattan and Brooklyn and Jersey
And even took it into the woods
The inter-weaving of science and art and literature and poetry
The stories of extraordinary women
Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Margaret Fuller, Maria Mitchell, George Sand, Rachel Carson
The role of the artist/scientist/author
To connect the dots
To illuminate
To shine
To help us figure out who we are.
Stars in our universe,
Give or take, and
Millions upon millions of
Published books.
I used to wonder
How has the world has not fallen off its axis
With the weight of all the books
We have written?
How do we choose
Between the great volumes
Of words and pages and titles and texts
Which ones to read?
Choice, luck, happenstance?
One day at
Thirteen
My voracious bookworm self
Desired to read a good chunky book
I browsed the shelves
Of my school library
And came across
Sophie’s World
By Jostein Gaarder
A crash course in the history of
Western Philosophy
I remember walking the perimeter of the playground
Where we went camping
While reading it
It led to The Solitaire Mystery and Maya
A new way of seeing the world
Is it a coincidence that I would one day
Marry a philosopher?
One day when
I was seventeen or eighteen
Thumbing through the Sydney Morning Herald
A section called
“Can You Judge A Book (By Its First Page)”
(Or something of the like)
The first page of a book
Followed by a review
“Wooooooo-
hoooooo what a fall what a soar what a plummet what a dash into dark into light what a plunge what a glide thud crash what a drop what a rush what a swoop what a fright what a mad hushed skirl what a smash mush mash-up broke and gashed what a heart in my mouth what an end.”
Ali Smith’s Hotel World
I would sporadically check the shelves in Dymocks
Fiction: Smi-
To see what else she had written
It made me want to write
My first published story was an imitation of its style
It led me to The Accidental and Like, and
Seventeen years later
Ali Smith is still writing and publishing and
I’m still reading every word
I don’t recall when I first came across Brain Pickings
Written/curated/nurtured
By the extraordinary Maria Popova
I think I was still in Sydney?
Or perhaps it was London?
The perils of the internet
Memory is different now
But at thirty-four
I read an excerpt of Popova’s Figuring
And knew it was another sparkling luminescence
I borrowed it from the library
And quickly realized I needed my own copy
It’s a brick of a book
I’ve lugged it around Manhattan and Brooklyn and Jersey
And even took it into the woods
The inter-weaving of science and art and literature and poetry
The stories of extraordinary women
Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Margaret Fuller, Maria Mitchell, George Sand, Rachel Carson
The role of the artist/scientist/author
To connect the dots
To illuminate
To shine
To help us figure out who we are.
- Published on
In Middlesex County, New Jersey
About thirty minutes from Elizabeth and
An hour from Manhattan
There is a park
Cheesequake
A strange word in English
Derived (stolen) from the Lenape words
Cheseh-oh-ke or Chichequaas or Chiskhakink
“Upland” or “land that has been cleared”
The land is now bordered
By freeways
And sliced through the middle
By the Garden State Parkway
Typical New Jersey
The intertwining of
Nature and industry
The park itself is beautiful
A “transitional zone of ecosystems”
Field and forest
Swamp and marsh
Pine barrens and lake
We hiked the trails
Blue and white
Breathing in the cool of the trees
The woodlands degrees cooler with
Thick rich green velvet mosses
Carpeting the bases of tree trunks
And covering the rocks
Fungis of different sizes and shapes
Lettuce-like hen of the woods, chip-like artist's conks
Parasitic ghost plants and tiny tawny grisettes
We tried to find the butterfly garden
But the weeds have obscured the path
The mountain bikers have overtaken that particular trail and
The garden is in disrepair
We came across a fallen tree, a giant now resting on its side
Its roots so thick it bought up the earth
We later learned it was a victim of Hurricane Sandy
Grasses are now growing on the wall of roots and earth
The resilience of nature
We sat by Perrine Pond
And watched an egret
Stalk her lunch in the water
We had our own lunch by the lake
And swam with tiny fishies
The water filled with pockets of warm and cold
Aaron cooked pork chops on the cast iron skillet above the coals
I added corn on the cob slathered in butter, sprinkled with salt
Is there anything more “American summer” than corn and an open fire?
The sun slipped away through the trees
The magical golden light of
Sunset in the woods
The extraordinary fireflies
Flitting and flirting
Bioluminescent bums in the darkening
Is it any wonder our ancestors believed in fairies?
In the night I had anxiety
It’s only a thin mesh tent between me and the
Bears or Human Predators Out There
Every crackle in the undergrowth
Surely a step closer to my demise
The bears did not eat me
But the mosquitos and gnats feasted
The proximity of the freeway meant we heard cars all through the night
I love waking up in the forest
The smell of earth
The remnants of last night’s fire
The coolness of the trees
I sat on a fallen trunk
And meditated on the moss
When we got home
The refrigerator, stove, and AC
Seemed like a miracle
I sometimes feel like I have a split personality
There’s Show Girl Me
She wants to see all the shows
Be in all the shows and
Live on Broadway forever and ever amen
And then there’s Forest Faery Me
Who wants to abandon society
And live off-grid
And commune with the trees
And the soil and
Know all the plants and flowers and creatures by name
I miss the woods
I miss the trees.
About thirty minutes from Elizabeth and
An hour from Manhattan
There is a park
Cheesequake
A strange word in English
Derived (stolen) from the Lenape words
Cheseh-oh-ke or Chichequaas or Chiskhakink
“Upland” or “land that has been cleared”
The land is now bordered
By freeways
And sliced through the middle
By the Garden State Parkway
Typical New Jersey
The intertwining of
Nature and industry
The park itself is beautiful
A “transitional zone of ecosystems”
Field and forest
Swamp and marsh
Pine barrens and lake
We hiked the trails
Blue and white
Breathing in the cool of the trees
The woodlands degrees cooler with
Thick rich green velvet mosses
Carpeting the bases of tree trunks
And covering the rocks
Fungis of different sizes and shapes
Lettuce-like hen of the woods, chip-like artist's conks
Parasitic ghost plants and tiny tawny grisettes
We tried to find the butterfly garden
But the weeds have obscured the path
The mountain bikers have overtaken that particular trail and
The garden is in disrepair
We came across a fallen tree, a giant now resting on its side
Its roots so thick it bought up the earth
We later learned it was a victim of Hurricane Sandy
Grasses are now growing on the wall of roots and earth
The resilience of nature
We sat by Perrine Pond
And watched an egret
Stalk her lunch in the water
We had our own lunch by the lake
And swam with tiny fishies
The water filled with pockets of warm and cold
Aaron cooked pork chops on the cast iron skillet above the coals
I added corn on the cob slathered in butter, sprinkled with salt
Is there anything more “American summer” than corn and an open fire?
The sun slipped away through the trees
The magical golden light of
Sunset in the woods
The extraordinary fireflies
Flitting and flirting
Bioluminescent bums in the darkening
Is it any wonder our ancestors believed in fairies?
In the night I had anxiety
It’s only a thin mesh tent between me and the
Bears or Human Predators Out There
Every crackle in the undergrowth
Surely a step closer to my demise
The bears did not eat me
But the mosquitos and gnats feasted
The proximity of the freeway meant we heard cars all through the night
I love waking up in the forest
The smell of earth
The remnants of last night’s fire
The coolness of the trees
I sat on a fallen trunk
And meditated on the moss
When we got home
The refrigerator, stove, and AC
Seemed like a miracle
I sometimes feel like I have a split personality
There’s Show Girl Me
She wants to see all the shows
Be in all the shows and
Live on Broadway forever and ever amen
And then there’s Forest Faery Me
Who wants to abandon society
And live off-grid
And commune with the trees
And the soil and
Know all the plants and flowers and creatures by name
I miss the woods
I miss the trees.
- Published on
I left Australia
8 years ago this week
To live on the other side of the world
If you flip an 8 on it’s side
It becomes the infinity symbol: ∞
Can it only have been 8 years?
It feels more like ∞
Or at least like a whole life time has passed
In the past 8 years
I got my Masters degree
I got married
I got cancer
I got better
I’ve run 3 marathons and 3 halfs
Worked at 4 different Broadway houses
Performed in different cities
Wrote and performed a one woman show
By coincidence I’ve lived in 8 different houses in that time
In 2 different countries
In 3 different American states
Around this time of year
I think of Abuelo
Standing on the deck of the P&O Iberia
Sailing into Sydney
And wondering what life would be like for his future nietos yet unborn
I think of Vivian
Who died tragically
When we were 15
I think of getting into the Olympics recording choir
And how it changed everything
I think about who I was when I left Australia
I thought it would be temporary
I wasn’t really sure what was next
My line went something like
“Live in London for 5 years. Live in New York for 5 years.
See what happens…”
Our knowledge of what is,
What could be,
Is infinitesimal
And now that we have reached ∞
What is beyond?
8 years ago this week
To live on the other side of the world
If you flip an 8 on it’s side
It becomes the infinity symbol: ∞
Can it only have been 8 years?
It feels more like ∞
Or at least like a whole life time has passed
In the past 8 years
I got my Masters degree
I got married
I got cancer
I got better
I’ve run 3 marathons and 3 halfs
Worked at 4 different Broadway houses
Performed in different cities
Wrote and performed a one woman show
By coincidence I’ve lived in 8 different houses in that time
In 2 different countries
In 3 different American states
Around this time of year
I think of Abuelo
Standing on the deck of the P&O Iberia
Sailing into Sydney
And wondering what life would be like for his future nietos yet unborn
I think of Vivian
Who died tragically
When we were 15
I think of getting into the Olympics recording choir
And how it changed everything
I think about who I was when I left Australia
I thought it would be temporary
I wasn’t really sure what was next
My line went something like
“Live in London for 5 years. Live in New York for 5 years.
See what happens…”
Our knowledge of what is,
What could be,
Is infinitesimal
And now that we have reached ∞
What is beyond?
- Published on
We have learned to cheat the time
And find the hours
That the clocks cannot define
As I looked up from that stage
I felt the thing that had been made
And how it raged
And how it raged
How to explain?
Felix Riebl
On Monday
I spent the morning figuring out of I could step in last minute to a new play opening on Thursday
I desperately wanted to do it
But there was an overwhelming amount of text
Which was completely unfamiliar to me
Perhaps if I’d been sitting in on rehearsals beforehand
Or vaguely knew the show
I hated to turn it down
In the afternoon I had a delightful singing lesson
In the evening, I went to chorus rehearsal
On Tuesday
I recorded a song at The Growing Studio
Spent a glorious hour and a half in rehearsal for The Big C Cabaret
Collaborating, coming up with ideas
In the evening I ushered at Frozen, it was
Kids Night on Broadway
It’s so special to be a tiny part of people’s first theatre experience
Seeing their eyes light up when they walk into the house
Their joy at the end of the show
On Wednesday
I was a patient for the morning
Well, a pretend one
After years of actually being a patient
I’m now getting paid to be one
In a program training student doctors
I help to evaluate their communication skills
Develop their empathy
Give them practice in connecting
In the evening, another chorus rehearsal
The delight of realizing Mairi Dorman, cellist extraordinaire, was a part of the concert
The thrill of sitting in a room of professional musicians
Watching them work
They make it look so easy
But you know the thousands of unseen hours that have led to this
“Effortlessness”
On Thursday
Another day of being a patient
In the evening
The Cat Empire in concert at Brooklyn Steel
I haven’t seen them for 8 years
They were glorious
As they walked on stage I was overwhelmed with nostalgia
I’ve seen them live around 20 times
It bought back memories of first year uni
Of Flea, and Flick, and Anita, and Kensington
Of Vicky, and Len, and Richie, and Kris
Of London and Brick Lane and how
The music of this band now spans almost half my life
On Friday
We had dress rehearsal for the chorus concert
MasterVoices Presents Night Songs and Love Waltzes
It’s exciting to have it all come together
To be a part of Ted Sperling’s theatrical vision
To sing in a venue like Alice Tully Hall
In the evening we sang
Schubert and Schumann (Robert and Clara) and
Brahms and Sondheim and Mendelssohn and Gordon
It was thrilling to watch Anderson and Roe up close
Chemistry and musical mastery
It was lovely to go home with my love
On Saturday
I ushered at Frozen
Made my way to Williamsburg for Iron City
Spent the evening improvising for tourists
And running delightful games
On Sunday
Back to Iron City
For more improvisation
In the evening
Home to my love
To paraphrase The Cat Empire
An Aussie-Spaniard screams for more…
I spent the morning figuring out of I could step in last minute to a new play opening on Thursday
I desperately wanted to do it
But there was an overwhelming amount of text
Which was completely unfamiliar to me
Perhaps if I’d been sitting in on rehearsals beforehand
Or vaguely knew the show
I hated to turn it down
In the afternoon I had a delightful singing lesson
In the evening, I went to chorus rehearsal
On Tuesday
I recorded a song at The Growing Studio
Spent a glorious hour and a half in rehearsal for The Big C Cabaret
Collaborating, coming up with ideas
In the evening I ushered at Frozen, it was
Kids Night on Broadway
It’s so special to be a tiny part of people’s first theatre experience
Seeing their eyes light up when they walk into the house
Their joy at the end of the show
On Wednesday
I was a patient for the morning
Well, a pretend one
After years of actually being a patient
I’m now getting paid to be one
In a program training student doctors
I help to evaluate their communication skills
Develop their empathy
Give them practice in connecting
In the evening, another chorus rehearsal
The delight of realizing Mairi Dorman, cellist extraordinaire, was a part of the concert
The thrill of sitting in a room of professional musicians
Watching them work
They make it look so easy
But you know the thousands of unseen hours that have led to this
“Effortlessness”
On Thursday
Another day of being a patient
In the evening
The Cat Empire in concert at Brooklyn Steel
I haven’t seen them for 8 years
They were glorious
As they walked on stage I was overwhelmed with nostalgia
I’ve seen them live around 20 times
It bought back memories of first year uni
Of Flea, and Flick, and Anita, and Kensington
Of Vicky, and Len, and Richie, and Kris
Of London and Brick Lane and how
The music of this band now spans almost half my life
On Friday
We had dress rehearsal for the chorus concert
MasterVoices Presents Night Songs and Love Waltzes
It’s exciting to have it all come together
To be a part of Ted Sperling’s theatrical vision
To sing in a venue like Alice Tully Hall
In the evening we sang
Schubert and Schumann (Robert and Clara) and
Brahms and Sondheim and Mendelssohn and Gordon
It was thrilling to watch Anderson and Roe up close
Chemistry and musical mastery
It was lovely to go home with my love
On Saturday
I ushered at Frozen
Made my way to Williamsburg for Iron City
Spent the evening improvising for tourists
And running delightful games
On Sunday
Back to Iron City
For more improvisation
In the evening
Home to my love
To paraphrase The Cat Empire
An Aussie-Spaniard screams for more…
- Published on
It was a year of trying and a trying year.
In January
I performed The Big C Cabaret with Neil
Met with an agent
Got acting coaching
Went to BroadwayCon
Went running even when it was -6ºC
Spoke on Aaron’s podcast Embrace the Void
Saw Amy and the Orphans and Il Trovatore at the Met Opera and
Ran a total of 22.59km.
In February
I sang in a small ensemble for MasterVoices and
Took sight singing lessons
We delighted at Spongebob Squarepants the Musical and Farinelli and the King
I was astonished by Eve Ensler’s In the Body of the World
I was plagued by self doubt, anxiety, and depression
I was terrified I had breast cancer
I ran 35.71km,
In March
I performed in the MasterVoices “Our America” concert
Started rehearsals for a new show
Created a patreon account for Filmed Live Musicals
Saw Hello, Dolly! with Bernadette Peters, Children of a Lesser God, and the gorgeous
My Fair Lady at Lincoln Center
I was told by my primary care provider to take an iron tablet when I scared I was relapsing
Ran 51.60km.
In April
I worked my first Broadway opening, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, and got to go to the best after party I’ve ever been to
I read for an MFA directing class
Rehearsed for the new show and MasterVoices’ "Orphic Moments"
I visited the Paley Center
Did a few shifts at Frozen
Saw Romeo et Juliette at The Met
Attended two casting director workshops
Started doing scheduled tweets for Filmed Live Musicals
Ran 60.94km
Had anxiety.
In May
I did 2 casting director workshops
We went house hunting in New Jersey
I taught voice lessons and
Performed in "Orphic Moments" with MasterVoices at Alice Tully Hall
Survived a difficult theatre experience which was also my first paid acting job in New York
Saw Salty directed by Benita DeWitt
Ran the Brooklyn Half Marathon
Launched the Patreon for Filmed Live Musicals
Briefly attended the Central School of Speech and Drama New York reunion before running off to chorus rehearsal
Brunched with Fernando
Submitted self-tapes
Ran 44.71km.
In June
We moved to West New York, New Jersey
We had fun building IKEA furniture
Performed in "Naamah’s Ark" with MasterVoices
I spoke and sang at the MSK Survivorship event and
Looked after Aaron after he had surgery
Ran the Achilles 4 miler
Felt tired and overwhelmed
Felt inspired and excited
Went to 2 casting director workshops
Saw Bandstand at the cinema
Ran 31.42km.
In July
Went to 2 casting director/management workshops
Got a callback for a new musical, but didn’t get cast
Played piano
Moved to the St James
Saw Billy Joel at Madison Square Gardens, and
Bette Midler in Hello, Dolly! (again)
Went to my friend’s book launch and
Celebrated my 4th cancerversary
We had picnics by the river and
I ran 43.53km.
In August
I reveled in long runs
I started singing with Garfield
Performed The Big C Cabaret again
Saw the phenomenal Mairi Dorman-Phaneuf at Birdland with Erica
Got the worst tummy virus I’ve ever had
Saw Getting the Band Back Together and On a Clear Day You Can See Forever and
“In the Name of the Earth” at the Cathedral of St John the Divine
We played tourist in New York and did our best to escape the heat
We went to the Natural History Museum with Tamara and finally saw the whale
I saw Fiddler on the Roof in Yiddish and bawled my eyes out
I ran 66.63km.
In September
Aaron took my to my first Ren Faire and I discovered a not-so-hidden desire to be a fairy in the woods
I dealt with depression
Sang
Went to auditions
Performed at The Stonewall Inn
Auditioned for something I’d waited almost a year to audition for, and was told I was not at all what they wanted
Saw Head Over Heels and Straight White Men
Celebrated my birthday at the Call it Love concert reading with Chilina Kennedy Jen Colella
Went to Be More Chill with Aaron and Emma and felt old
Saw 12 Angry Men with Women on Broadway with my new running/theatre friend Jenni
Ran 123.4km.
In October
I went to a casting director workshop
Filmed a scene for an NYU film study class
Became a standardized patient for medical student training
Began work on The Camino Project
Went to auditions
Performed The Big C Cabaret as a fundraiser for Fred’s Team
Taught voice lessons
Began learning how to sing Handel
Saw The Hysteria of Dr Faustus
Listen…Can You Hear Me Now?
Plot Points in Our Sexual Development
King Kong, and
School Girls or the African Mean Girls Play and promised to support/read anything ever written by Jocelyn Bioh.
I dressed up as Day of the Dead Mary Poppins for the work Halloween party
I ran 54.09km
In November
I ran the NYC Marathon with Fred’s Team and raised $4770 for leukemia research at Memorial Sloan Kettering
I attended a manager workshop
I auditioned, finally got cast in something and had to turn it down
I worked on The Camino Project
I saw Everybody’s Talking About Jamie and The King and I at the cinema
I saw Bernhardt/Hamlet
Fireflies
James and the Giant Peach
Performed "Israel in Egypt" at Carnegie Hall with MasterVoices
Made the most delicious Thanksgiving fondue in a bread bowl with my love
And celebrated 5 years of marriage.
In December
I stopped by Tonya’s baby shower
Spent 3 glorious days immersed in a workshop for The Camino Project
Began training for the Queen’s Marathon
Saw Best Life starring Tamar Broadbent,
Yule Your Kingdom with Lesli Margherita
Ragtag Theatre’s Snow White
To Kill a Mockingbird and
Mary Poppins Returns
Went to auditions
I ran 39.57km
Spent Christmas in Richmond and
Finished the year watching Beetlejuice and A League of Their Own.
In between there were morning pages and thankfulness and meditation. Singing practice. Wanting to play piano and flute. Wanting more lessons. Submissions and auditions and callbacks. There was cooking in the Instant Pot and homemade ice cream and learning to make cashew milk. There were many hours spent in various branches of the New York Public Library, and Bryant Park.
We watched The Wire, The Marvelous Mrs Maisel, Last Week Tonight, The Good Place, Bojack Horseman, Big Mouth, Jane the Virgin, and Crazy Ex Girlfriend.
I read Mary Poppins, Saplings, James and the Giant Peach, Dirt Witch, Specimen Days, Wolves and Honey, White Teeth, Time out, Maya, Outliers, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and The Solitaire Mystery.
I ran a total of 626.32km/381.1miles, give or take. I ran through Brooklyn and Prospect Park. I ran along the Hudson. I ran under bright blue skies, in pouring rain, and in the snow.
There was anxiety about doing enough, being enough
about looking after myself and
dealing with the US healthcare system
about the state of the world and Syria and and plastics
and not being social enough
about family
about how to spend my time
about purpose
about who I am
about being good and doing the right thing
There was resentment about having to work when there are a million things I’d rather be doing.
There was working on The Camino Project
and Filmed Live Musicals
and wanting to write about musicals and movie musicals and live theatre.
I finish 2018 with
the desire to read all the books
to create new work
respond to the world
take all the classes
explore
eat well
look after myself
be a good wife
run marathons
fundraise
grow my own food
be a good person in my community
keep trying.
The end. Until next year.
In January
I performed The Big C Cabaret with Neil
Met with an agent
Got acting coaching
Went to BroadwayCon
Went running even when it was -6ºC
Spoke on Aaron’s podcast Embrace the Void
Saw Amy and the Orphans and Il Trovatore at the Met Opera and
Ran a total of 22.59km.
In February
I sang in a small ensemble for MasterVoices and
Took sight singing lessons
We delighted at Spongebob Squarepants the Musical and Farinelli and the King
I was astonished by Eve Ensler’s In the Body of the World
I was plagued by self doubt, anxiety, and depression
I was terrified I had breast cancer
I ran 35.71km,
In March
I performed in the MasterVoices “Our America” concert
Started rehearsals for a new show
Created a patreon account for Filmed Live Musicals
Saw Hello, Dolly! with Bernadette Peters, Children of a Lesser God, and the gorgeous
My Fair Lady at Lincoln Center
I was told by my primary care provider to take an iron tablet when I scared I was relapsing
Ran 51.60km.
In April
I worked my first Broadway opening, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, and got to go to the best after party I’ve ever been to
I read for an MFA directing class
Rehearsed for the new show and MasterVoices’ "Orphic Moments"
I visited the Paley Center
Did a few shifts at Frozen
Saw Romeo et Juliette at The Met
Attended two casting director workshops
Started doing scheduled tweets for Filmed Live Musicals
Ran 60.94km
Had anxiety.
In May
I did 2 casting director workshops
We went house hunting in New Jersey
I taught voice lessons and
Performed in "Orphic Moments" with MasterVoices at Alice Tully Hall
Survived a difficult theatre experience which was also my first paid acting job in New York
Saw Salty directed by Benita DeWitt
Ran the Brooklyn Half Marathon
Launched the Patreon for Filmed Live Musicals
Briefly attended the Central School of Speech and Drama New York reunion before running off to chorus rehearsal
Brunched with Fernando
Submitted self-tapes
Ran 44.71km.
In June
We moved to West New York, New Jersey
We had fun building IKEA furniture
Performed in "Naamah’s Ark" with MasterVoices
I spoke and sang at the MSK Survivorship event and
Looked after Aaron after he had surgery
Ran the Achilles 4 miler
Felt tired and overwhelmed
Felt inspired and excited
Went to 2 casting director workshops
Saw Bandstand at the cinema
Ran 31.42km.
In July
Went to 2 casting director/management workshops
Got a callback for a new musical, but didn’t get cast
Played piano
Moved to the St James
Saw Billy Joel at Madison Square Gardens, and
Bette Midler in Hello, Dolly! (again)
Went to my friend’s book launch and
Celebrated my 4th cancerversary
We had picnics by the river and
I ran 43.53km.
In August
I reveled in long runs
I started singing with Garfield
Performed The Big C Cabaret again
Saw the phenomenal Mairi Dorman-Phaneuf at Birdland with Erica
Got the worst tummy virus I’ve ever had
Saw Getting the Band Back Together and On a Clear Day You Can See Forever and
“In the Name of the Earth” at the Cathedral of St John the Divine
We played tourist in New York and did our best to escape the heat
We went to the Natural History Museum with Tamara and finally saw the whale
I saw Fiddler on the Roof in Yiddish and bawled my eyes out
I ran 66.63km.
In September
Aaron took my to my first Ren Faire and I discovered a not-so-hidden desire to be a fairy in the woods
I dealt with depression
Sang
Went to auditions
Performed at The Stonewall Inn
Auditioned for something I’d waited almost a year to audition for, and was told I was not at all what they wanted
Saw Head Over Heels and Straight White Men
Celebrated my birthday at the Call it Love concert reading with Chilina Kennedy Jen Colella
Went to Be More Chill with Aaron and Emma and felt old
Saw 12 Angry Men with Women on Broadway with my new running/theatre friend Jenni
Ran 123.4km.
In October
I went to a casting director workshop
Filmed a scene for an NYU film study class
Became a standardized patient for medical student training
Began work on The Camino Project
Went to auditions
Performed The Big C Cabaret as a fundraiser for Fred’s Team
Taught voice lessons
Began learning how to sing Handel
Saw The Hysteria of Dr Faustus
Listen…Can You Hear Me Now?
Plot Points in Our Sexual Development
King Kong, and
School Girls or the African Mean Girls Play and promised to support/read anything ever written by Jocelyn Bioh.
I dressed up as Day of the Dead Mary Poppins for the work Halloween party
I ran 54.09km
In November
I ran the NYC Marathon with Fred’s Team and raised $4770 for leukemia research at Memorial Sloan Kettering
I attended a manager workshop
I auditioned, finally got cast in something and had to turn it down
I worked on The Camino Project
I saw Everybody’s Talking About Jamie and The King and I at the cinema
I saw Bernhardt/Hamlet
Fireflies
James and the Giant Peach
Performed "Israel in Egypt" at Carnegie Hall with MasterVoices
Made the most delicious Thanksgiving fondue in a bread bowl with my love
And celebrated 5 years of marriage.
In December
I stopped by Tonya’s baby shower
Spent 3 glorious days immersed in a workshop for The Camino Project
Began training for the Queen’s Marathon
Saw Best Life starring Tamar Broadbent,
Yule Your Kingdom with Lesli Margherita
Ragtag Theatre’s Snow White
To Kill a Mockingbird and
Mary Poppins Returns
Went to auditions
I ran 39.57km
Spent Christmas in Richmond and
Finished the year watching Beetlejuice and A League of Their Own.
In between there were morning pages and thankfulness and meditation. Singing practice. Wanting to play piano and flute. Wanting more lessons. Submissions and auditions and callbacks. There was cooking in the Instant Pot and homemade ice cream and learning to make cashew milk. There were many hours spent in various branches of the New York Public Library, and Bryant Park.
We watched The Wire, The Marvelous Mrs Maisel, Last Week Tonight, The Good Place, Bojack Horseman, Big Mouth, Jane the Virgin, and Crazy Ex Girlfriend.
I read Mary Poppins, Saplings, James and the Giant Peach, Dirt Witch, Specimen Days, Wolves and Honey, White Teeth, Time out, Maya, Outliers, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and The Solitaire Mystery.
I ran a total of 626.32km/381.1miles, give or take. I ran through Brooklyn and Prospect Park. I ran along the Hudson. I ran under bright blue skies, in pouring rain, and in the snow.
There was anxiety about doing enough, being enough
about looking after myself and
dealing with the US healthcare system
about the state of the world and Syria and and plastics
and not being social enough
about family
about how to spend my time
about purpose
about who I am
about being good and doing the right thing
There was resentment about having to work when there are a million things I’d rather be doing.
There was working on The Camino Project
and Filmed Live Musicals
and wanting to write about musicals and movie musicals and live theatre.
I finish 2018 with
the desire to read all the books
to create new work
respond to the world
take all the classes
explore
eat well
look after myself
be a good wife
run marathons
fundraise
grow my own food
be a good person in my community
keep trying.
The end. Until next year.