To sit in meditation 
For an hour
In a beautiful cathedral
On the upper west side
While a choir sings 
To leave feeling
Uplifted 

Getting my flute out
For the first time in a long time
Remembering the fingering
The way the muscle memory kicks in
It’s all still there
Playing Mouquet
Remembering the phrasing
It’s all in the breathing
The tricky twists
How to keep the tone even
Give it color
Notes from my younger self
There she is

The joy of rehearsal with the orchestra 
The luxury of it 
The fun of it 
The beauty of it 
Watching Ted conduct
Watching the composer grin from ear to ear as his music is brought to life 
Hearing that gorgeous score 
Live and in-person
The sound of 100 people singing in harmony 
​Heaven. 

I finally finished 
Barbra's 48-hour long audiobook
I didn't want it to end
It was astonishing 
Fascinating
Infuriating 
Even at the height of her career
The unrelenting sexism
But the people she met
The projects she worked on
The songs she sang 
The relationships she had 
Extraordinary 

Et spiritui sancto 
"And to the holy spirit" 
To sing divine music 
Feels sacred 
Even if Handel and I 
Don't worship the same deity
To sing in harmony with 100 other voices 
To provide the song for dancers to move their bodies 
To know my dear friends are in the audience 
To be gifted the most beautiful bouquet of flowers 
To feel seen and appreciated
To be a part of it all 
​Absolute bliss 

What a joy and a privilege it is
To stand upon a stage
And sing with an orchestra
And 100 other voices
With lithe dancers making their own kind of music
Twirling and pulsing and moving through the space
I still get a thrill
When the curtain opens
And the audience is revealed
And we get to put into practice
The notes and rhythms and dynamics
That we have been practicing for weeks
The thrilling exchange of energy
Theatre magic

The sounds of Louisiana jazz
Salt and vinegar pringles 
Louis Armstrong
Surprise yum cha in the West Village 
Watching a beautiful concert
​Being part of a beautiful concert 
Dreaming of an RV road trip
Creamy hot chocolate 
​The trains singing "Somewhere" 
An almost full moon 

Rehearsal at the theatre
Even standing at the back of the stage
Behind a scrim
In a chorus of 100 people 
Looking out onto the seats
It feels like home
I watch the dancers
I miss dancing
How long has it been since I put on some music and 
Just danced with abandon? 
Remembering the Christmas concert in 1998
It was outdoors 
(Australian Christmas) 
I danced to the orchestra and 
There was a full moon
Another lifetime now 
I miss performing 
I miss a time when it wasn't so wrapped up in 
The Business of Show 
Headshots, and pay-to-play, and agents and competition 
Instead, just telling stories 
And making music 
And moving with my body
And singing songs because they're fun to sing 
And doing theatre 
​Because it's home. 

Singing in the Choir! 
Singing glorious music 
In harmony with a hundred voices 
Should be prescribed as an anti-depressant 

I've been struggling of late
The chronic lack of sleep 
Thanks to the constant clanging pipes in my apartment 
Along with other Life Stressors 
Money, Relationships
The Ongoing Perilous State of the World
Even with morning pages and meditation 
And going running
And daily documentation of the luminessences and glimmers 
Has not prevented the sinking 

Before rehearsal 
A quick stroll through Riverside Park
A pocket of crocuses 
A magical ring of mossy mushrooms 
A herd of hippos in the playground 

And then singing Handel 
All those sixteenth notes 
Scaling up and down 
Mixed with unusual leaps  
And accidentals 
The joy of watching Ted 
The awe of watching our accompanist Paul 
(What can't he play?!) 
The demand of repetition
Each time, do it better 
Make it lighter 
Make it sing 

Happiness truly is... 

I’ve been drilling
The notes
Slowing the tempo
Picking it up again
Figuring the trickier passages
Trying to get them into my bones
It’s fun to get to rehearsal
To see how much progress has been made
And how much work there’s still left to do
The joy of showing up
And doing the work