Remember when all you wanted to do was sing and dance and act?
And then cancer
And recovery and waiting
And still more waiting and recovery
And then you are better

And you find yourself on
Monday
Meeting a new voice teacher and feeling seen and heard
Accessing parts of your voice you thought were lost forever
You sit with Alison in a coffee shop on the upper west side
And trade ideas and write and plan and write
You sit with the altos in chorus and learn Bizet’s Carmen
The deliciousness of the score

Tuesday
Dance class, “Dance for Movers”
Being outside your comfort zone but
Remembering that you love to dance
The joy of being challenged by a teacher
Who loves to share the joy of what they do with
A stern kindness that makes you want to be better
Coffee with Nick from London
How has it been over six years?!

Wednesday
Home with your love
A trip to the library
Puzzling
Working on projects

Thursday
Back to dance class
“Young Hearts Run Free”
You’re thirteen again and
Rehearsing in the dance studio at Kuringai
Young hearts
To yourself be true…
My mind must be free
To learn all I can about me
Over twenty years later
Your muscles remembering

Lunch with the Superhero posse
Bianca and Ruth
Fellow cancer survivors
Still in the thick of it

Coffee with Danni
The loveliness of seeing your friends glow

Class with John Tartaglia
Isn't it nice when your heroes are everything you hoped they'd be and more?
Warm and funny and down to earth
The power of laughter
The joy of sharing a room with immensely talented people

Friday
Class with David Brunetti
Acting through Song
Revisiting techniques from drama school
The meticulous satisfying work of it
Teaching a voice lesson
The language of music

Saturday
Double show day at Frozen
Getting paid to watch theatre
Getting paid to watch people experience their first Broadway show
The joy of it

Just another week in New York
Doing things you’ve always done
But new again
A different body
A new sense of purpose
How lucky I am to be here. ​

I didn’t grow up with the book or the movie
My friend Bryan had done it last year
I saw the open call and thought it would be fun
A lovely audition, a friendly room
I was so excited to be cast

Rehearsals
Full-time for a week
Singing and dancing
And learning a show
That happened in 6 different train cars
At the same time
“Broadway on a train!”
The joy of director Scott Calcagno

Tech and dress
Theatre on a moving train
Chugging through suburban New Jersey
Arriving at “The North Pole”
With its giant sleigh, reindeer and
Arctic cold weather

Sharing a carriage with
Alice and Jake
The sweetest cart-ners in the world
Embossing tickets
Making it snow
Singing “We Need a Little Christmas”
Especially poignant on the day of Jerry Herman’s death
Becoming a chef and dancing in the aisle
With trays of hot chocolate

Families wearing matching pajamas
Decorated with candy canes and snowmen and Christmas trees
Light up hats and 
Gorgeous ugly sweaters 
Parents and children
Aunts and uncles
Grandmas and grandpas
Siblings and cousins
The surly teenagers who always melted into the magic

Walking through the train to 
Switch sides
Seeing the other cast members work their magic
All of them lovely and talented and funny 

The production car
Where all the theatre magic happens
Joel or Becki at the stage manager console
Alex on lights
Mary or Olivia on sound
Lauren or Emily on costumes
Abigale on props
Meri the production manager
Nick and Nickie in Front of House
Engineers Chuck and Matt
The EMTs
The other elves, Maria and Anna and Anna
David and Jim
Swing nation: Bryan and Steph
Always ready and willing 
The racks of costumes for 72 people
Swaying perilously as we crossed the threshold
To the North Pole

Becoming an elf
Anna running with the bells
“Attention please, attention Polar Express passengers!
Someone very special is here to meet you!”
Lights brighten, music swells
The arrival of Santa!
The utter delight on people’s faces
Especially the older folks
Transforming into 5-year-olds before my eyes
Seeing is believing

Traveling through each car
“Are you a real elf?”
The child who sobbed after Santa gave them a bell
(“Right off Santa’s sleigh!”)
“It’s just so magical!”
The guy who asked me if Santa could pay off his mortgage this year
The babies who smiled
The babies who shied away
The kids who asked if I knew their Elf on the Shelf
The kids who brought their Elf on the Shelf in mason jars
Telling passengers that the safest place for their cookies
Was in their bellies
Surprise hugs from little ones
The sugar high from hot chocolate and cookies
The excitement from meeting Santa

A few days at the North Pole
Allie and Jenna making sure we got there in plenty of time
Dancing in the freezing cold
(My group got lucky
We never had to dance in the rain)

The relative ease of three show days
The long marathons of five show days
Eating sandwiches and burritos and cookies and chips
Snacking in between shows to maintain energy
Staying cool, keeping warm
Hanging out with some of the loveliest people

Being a part of something uplifting
A magic carpet on a rail
That never takes a rest
A joyful, magical time
​
The true spirit of Christmas lies in your heart
For all who truly believe.

Anyone who knows me
Knows I love theatre
I love going to it
I love being in it
I love making it
I love the romance
Of sitting in a darkened theatre
The audience in a reverent hush
Taking in the magic occurring on the stage

It’s easy for me to sit still for a couple of hours
Actually, I don’t like sitting still for a couple of hours
I need an intermission
I like hour long acts
I like it when the whole show is one in 90 minutes or less, no intermission needed

But sometimes I question it
Is it ok for me to go to theatre
When people are sleeping on the streets
When children are in cages
When people of color are being beaten
When basic human rights are unfulfilled and
Purposefully denied

On Friday I saw
Into the Woods Sr
A pilot program to bring theatre to senior citizens
The cast were all over 70 something
And their joy of being of stage
Of singing Sondheim’s delicious music
Was infectious
How often do you see the Baker’s Wife in a wheelchair?
Or the narrator’s words spoken in Mandarin?
How often do you see older bodies on stage?
 
On Sunday afternoon
We had a “relaxed performance” of Frozen
Hosted by TDF for an audience comprised of
People diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder
Or other sensitivity issues
The house lights were left up a little
The sound levels were lowered
There were Comfort Zones with play mats, and toys
And a purple army of volunteers
Handing out squishy toys and squishy stars
And providing extra assistance where needed
Guests who needed to talk or vocalize or clap loudly
Could

We had been told that Frozen is
A particularly special show for the autism community
They relate to Elsa
The lyrics take on new meaning
What do I know about love?
Am I a monster?
Let it go.
The cast could see the audience and
Even at the end of an 8 show week
The performances were extra special

On the back this month’s Playbill is an ad for HIV research
"Dear HIV, We didn't give up."
At the end of the show a young man came up to me
He pointed at the advert
“Never give up!” he said
With a big cheesy grin
He shook my hand
And gave me a big hug
Regular audiences don’t do that
We’re carefully taught to not display our emotions
Our joy
What do I know about love?

On Sunday night
I saw What the Constitution Means to Me
Written and performed by Heidi Schreck
And joined by Mike Iveson and Rosedely Ciprian
Gut wrenching, powerful, and compelling story-telling
Prescient and adaptive to current events
I didn’t know the American constitution could be so exciting
So infuriating
The rights of people
Who are The People?
Who is given access to the words?

Who is given access to theatrical world I love so much?
“Accessible theatre” is not just cheaper tickets
Who is speaking on the stage?
Whose voices do we hear?
Whose bodies do we see?
Is every seat in the house available to every person?
Is there an alternative to the steps?
Does the armrest move out of the way?
Is the seat wide enough?
Is it supportive?
Is there enough leg room?
Is the toilet cubicle wide enough if someone needs assistance?
How long is the wait for the toilet?
Will a guest miss some of the show because they're waiting for the toilet?
Can you make noise?
Can you express your emotions?
Can you check in with the person next to you?
Can you clap or cheer or dance?
Can you yell at the stage?
​
Can you rage at what is going on? ​

Imagine your whole life
You wanted to be in a musical in New York City
And one day
It is announced
That your chorus
Will be performing
Lady in the Dark
at City Center

You audition to be in the semi-chorus
Which is later called the chamber chorus
You get to go to extra rehearsals
And be moved around by Doug Varone
You watch his extraordinary dancers
In action
And remember how much you used to love to dance
Before fear and self-consciousness and demons took over

You sit in rehearsal
And marvel that
Tony Award winner Victoria Clark
Is right there in front of you
She sings “My Ship”
Not three feet away
And you want to melt in the loveliness that is her voice

You watch director Ted Sperling
And feel amazed
That after all those years of listening to
Titanic and Light in the Piazza and Floyd Collins and Anastasia
On repeat
You get to work with and
Learn from this extraordinary person

It's not just the big names you learn from
Julie Morgan, associate conductor, and her eye (ear?) for detail
Your fellow cast members
Especially the high school students
Remembering what it's like to go through this process for the first time 
The joy of sharing rehearsals
The hours spent together

Rehearsals fly by all too quickly
One week will it ever be right
Then out of the hat it’s that big first night
The—
Actually, no overture in this musical
Straight into a scene

Your make-up is on
Your tiara is perched on your head and
You sit backstage in the dim blue gel light
A lady in the dark
Watching the hustle of all the people
Running costume pieces across to stage right
Placing prop popcorn boxes stage left
Stage hands and costume assistants and musicians and security guards
The actors are the last part
Or perhaps the audience is 

​There is a line in Michael Gow’s Away
“Fancy doing it night after night like in America. Plays go on for years there. London too." 
Our play only ran for 3 days
A limited engagement
I wished it could’ve been longer

But in the moment
To stand on a stage and be
A part of creating gorgeous glorious music and
Tell stories
A dream. 

​The delicious joy of seeing a well-crafted play
A world where language and literature
Rain and reign

Humans form new worlds
Out of rubble
Nothing more than bodies
Strips of fabric and wooden boxes
Splashes of light
Everyday objects are lobsters and caterpillars and creatures of the dark
Silky white rose petals fall from the sky
Are painted red by light
The musicians wet their lips and
Play

How art can rescue us in times of trouble
See us through
See through us

Worlds of make believe
Inside a concrete jungle
Full of trash and tourists
The glittering towers radiate supreme wealth
While fellow humans
Make beds of cardboard on the sidewalk

We rang in the New Year
Watching Singin’ In the Rain in Richmond
Aaron and I finally got our honeymoon
Thanks to the generosity of the Sloan Kettering Dream Team
Several blissful days in the gorgeous glorious Guana
Our friend Molly turned 21
I nerded out at BroadwayCon
Worked at Lincoln Center
Worked at the Lyric
Registered for the Brooklyn Half
Rehearsed with the Cecilia Chorus

In February
I kept singing at Cecilia rehearsals
Ran the Al Gordon 4mile race in Prospect Park
Worked at the Lyric and David Geffen Hall
Tried to get my vocal cords checked
Tried to get my eyes checked
Started auditioning again and
Saw Sunset Boulevard with Glenn Close

In March
We saw The Moors
I saw Hello, Dolly! with Bette Midler, Anastasia with Caroline O’Connor, and The Glass Menagerie with Sally Field.
I performed in Oedipus the King with the Cecilia Chorus
Did a networking night through ActorDash
Took a film acting class with Jason Chaet
Kept auditioning and
Started voice lessons again
Worked as an extra on VEEP and
Tried to find counseling that would accept my insurance,
Finally got new reading glasses

In April
We saw Come From Away, Groundhog Day, War Paint (sans Patti, with Christine), The Price, and Natasha, Pierre, and the Comet of 1812 (with Josh Groban)
I finally started seeing a counselor
Tried to find a voice therapist
Ran the UAE Healthy Kidney 10km and the Run as One 4-miler

In May
I went to another networking night with ActorDash
Performed in A Garden Among the Flames with the Cecilia Chorus at Carnegie Hall
Volunteered at the Japan Run in Central Park and handed out hundreds of cups of water
Worked at the St. James Theatre
Saw War Paint again, this time with Patti and Christine, and my friend Danni be incredible in the The Cagebirds.
I ran the Brooklyn Half Marathon and was surprised I wasn’t dead.
Visited Rachel and Justin in Boston
And once again had visions of moving to the woods of Maine
I taught a class at Baruch and
Started working at the Stephen Sondheim
I fell madly in love with Beautiful and
Told my doctor I had signed up for the NYC Marathon

In the summer
We said goodbye to G'Pa
"Attending" his funeral via skype was surreal and painful and sad. 
I ran the NYRR Retro 5-miler, the New York Mini 10km and the New Milford 8
I watched the Ernest Shakleton Loves Me Livestream and the Tony Awards
I saw Marvin’s Room and
Did my first Broadway audition
I worked as an extra on The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, wearing wool in Washington Square Park on a 90 degree day

We shaved off all my hair on Facebook Live and
Went nervously back to camp
I played in a flute quartet, sang for the first time in public since Stupid Cancer
Conducted Tommy and The Wizard of Oz and taught voice lessons galore
We went camping in the woods
I had visions of abandoning my life to become a park ranger live among the pine trees.
At home, I did the Audition Rep Matchmaker course on auditioning
I went to my first casting director workshop with Alexis Atkinson

In September
We saw Brian be delightful in Addy and Uno and
Marc be astonishing in The Climbers
I participated in a reading of Al Monaco’s The Tesseract
I performed in the Cranky Cabaret and
Ran the Bronx 10 miler
I renewed my Australian passport
And joined the MasterVoices chorus
I did a musical theatre workshop with music director Carmel Dean

In October
I ran the Staten Island Half in the pouring rain
Saw Hungry Like the Wolk, Game of Thrones the Parody Musical, and Where Angels Fear to Tread
I did three more casting director workshops — Brette Goldstein, Freya Krasnow, and Allison Kirschner.
I did an agent’s night
I flew across the country and hung out with my little little sister in La La Land
I meditated in a beautiful garden and ran beside the Pacific Ocean
Saw Bright Star again
Back on the east coast, we celebrated our friends’ wedding and
The next day were told we were not invited back to camp.

In November
I sang in Of Thee I Sing at Carnegie Hall and
Ran the NYC Marathon with Fred’s Team and raised over $7500 for leukemia research at Sloan Kettering
We celebrated Jesse’s 60th with the Museum of the Moving Image and amazing Greek food
I saw a reading of Hatef**** at the Women’s Project, Once on This Island, and the National Theatre’s live broadcast of Follies
I did a workshop with Broadway director Marc Bruni
Aaron and I celebrated four years of marriage
With a visit to the Museum of Sex and dinner at Purple Yam
I ran the Turkey Trot 5 miler in Prospect Park and
At last received my permanent resident card

In December
I was published the on Audition Rep Matchmaker blog and
Finally launched Filmed Live Musicals
I performed in The Nightmare Before Christmas Concert at the Barclay Center
And despite being sick, had the most fun performing I’ve had in a long time
I went to the Barbara Cook Tribute at Lincoln Center
I saw The Band’s Visit, Avenue Q, and Lesli Margherita in Who’s Holiday
We saw the Christmas lights in Dyker Heights and had Chinese delivered in.

This year I ran over 800km/500 miles
Coincidentally, the approximate distance of the Camino de Santiago
I ran in Prospect Park and through the streets of Brooklyn
I ran along the Atlantic and Pacific oceans
I ran through the woods of Maine and Connecticut
I ran my first goddamn marathon and it was glorious

I got my singing voice back and wrote a cabaret
Worked at Paramour, Beautiful, Present Laughter, and the New York Philharmonic
Auditioned for plays and musicals and short films and indie projects

I had debilitating depression and anxiety
There were days when I could barely get out of bed
And when I did, I would break down at the front door

I read Born to Run, Jim Henson: The Biography, and Radical Remission,
Gloria Steinem, Heather Lyn Mann, Ali Smith, A.S. Byatt and a total of
Twenty-six plays — including Starting Monday by Anne Commire
It had me so engrossed I caught the wrong train and ended up halfway to JFK.

In between all the things
We spent countless hours dealing with health insurance
I sat quietly as I could in our room while Aaron recorded his excellent podcast
Embrace the Void
We watched Bojack Horseman, Broad City, Jane the Virgin, Master of None, Mozart in the Jungle, Santa Clarita Diet, The Crown, and The Good Wife.
We shopped at the Cortelyou Road farmers’ market every Sunday morning and 
Made bread, hummus, chilli, and dumplings

I wondered why I was doing what I’m doing
Working for low pay and pursuing a career 
Thousands upon thousands want
But only a few get

In the last moments of the year,
A patron at the theatre asked me
“How do you stay so happy doing this every day?”
And without thinking I said
“Because I love it.”

Sometimes it is hard and depressing and crushing
But when you get to do the thing,
The singing and telling stories and being around people, 
It’s all worth it

I am so fortunate to be here
I’m healthy
I have the most astonishing, clever, wonderful person by my side
We have a roof over our heads, and a lovely one at that
In the mornings, the sun streams into our nook
And the light,
It is lovely

The end
(until next year). ​

Last week I had the pleasure of performing in a budding New York institution, the Cranky Cabaret. The night featured a wonderful collection of angry, snippy, and just plain bitchy "Songs of Vexation and Discord."

I performed "N.Y.C" from Annie, re-written to be about cancer, and "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid, re-written to be about an usher who wants to be an actor.

​I hope you enjoy the clips! 

Big thanks to everyone who came out to support me, pianist Dave Koenig, and producers Jessica Morris and Kris Holz! ​

We spent the past two months
Making art and teaching and being a part of
A glorious artistic commune in the woods
Our merry old land 
That “miraculously” appears every summer in the Connecticut woods
Where 6 summers ago
I fell in love with my husband
Beneath shooting stars and wrapped in the smell of peppermint.

For the first time in eight summers I dreaded coming back
All my fears were confirmed, and then some
But it was still Buck's Rock.

During team building
We built statues from cardboard and string
A perfect metaphor for the way all the shops come together
To create something
Out of nothing

The temperatures were mercifully milder
It rained on more Saturdays than I can remember
We only had 2 or 3 lunches on the lawn
The gong fell off its hinges
My super power of being immune to mosquitos was temporary
I was eaten alive and covered in large red welts and bites

I still can't quite believe we staged a full-scale production of The Who's Tommy in 19 days from start to finish.
I still hate the musical, but I love our show
Especially our glorious team.
At the end of sitzprobe, a bunch of campers came up to me,
Grinning from ear to ear
Ecstatic at having sung with a rock band
They hugged and thanked me for getting them there,
In all my shows at Buck’s Rock,
That has never happened before.
Our cast were tight-knit and weeks after the show had ended
Could be found singing the songs with ukuleles on the lawn.

I can't believe what an uphill battle it was to put together The Wizard of Oz.
I thought it would be easy.
It’s The Wizard of Oz. Who doesn’t know The Wizard of Oz?!
Turns out, lots of people.
Not having a full cast until the week of the show
Not having a full pit until the day before the show
Having to deal with difficult behavior from grown-ups.
I'm so proud of the kids for whom this was their first time on stage, ever.
The kids who came up to me and told me they were scared to be in the musical but now they can't wait next year because they want to do it again.

Seeing kids learning to express themselves
Helping them find their voices
Teaches me so much about myself
As a person, as a performer.
The cliche is unbelievably true
If you become a teacher,
By your pupils you’ll be taught.

I loved the evening activities
The hilarity of the slip n’ slide
The fierceness of thumb wars and staring contests
Having my tea leaves read by an earnest and beautiful camper
A multitude of plays and concerts and recitals
Inspiring, funny, moving, intense.

The honor of being a CIT-assist
Going to snack on the basketball court
Being able to go to the Falconridge Folk Festival
Watching kids learn to adult, 
They stumble and fall and fly

My secret santa, Nate
Gifted me the most beautiful portrait
I desperately wish it could be my headshot
It is exactly who I want to be.

Days off, a welcome break from the intensity
Picnicking at Lake Warramug
Ice cream in Kent
Camping in Housatonic State Park because Macedonia Brook was closed
When we’re surrounded by pine forest 
I want to abandon everything and
Build a cob cottage and
Become a park ranger and learn about eco systems and soil and
Be the kind of person who can identify all the different kinds of fungi

This summer,
I ran just over 190km through the Connecticut woods.
I taught voice lessons.
I sang with an orchestra.
I played in a flute choir.

At night
Fireflies danced in the dusk
Bioluminescent bums twinkling
I would fall asleep to a
Calamitous frog and cricket choir

If someone had told me, almost ten years ago,
That I would still be coming back 
Year after year 
And be married to a Buck's Rocker 
I wouldn’t have believed them
I am so lucky to have found this place. 

And here we are
And then, it is gone.
​
The end. ​