I’m back at the gym. As I write this, post-workout, I have reflux, I feel exhausted, and I’m embarrassed at how unfit I’ve become. Two-and-a-half years ago I was running 10km three times a week goddamn it! And now I’m starting all over again. Except now it’s harder because Stupid Cancer, stupid thyroid, stupid debilitating effects of treatment.

Erin, my new trainer, puts me through my paces. I struggle. It is DIFFICULT. I try to focus on my goals. I’m getting show fit! Half-marathon! Cycle to work! I am a glistening warrior crushing my goals.
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The goals feel overwhelming. I am not a glistening warrior. I am a sweaty heffalump with swamp butt.

I try to focus on the present moment. Just get through this crunch/squat/plank/minute of pedaling! A little voice says to me, “Come on! You’re a cancer survivor! You can do this!"

I cannot do this. Remember how all through Stupid Cancer I just wanted to curl up and die? 

It is grueling, but I get through the session. Erin is encouraging and lovely. Everything burns.
I have a shower. I eat food. The post-workout endorphins kick in, and my inner voice says “Next round bitchez.” 

Well, I'm soaked to the bone
But I ran in Central Park!
I'm a New Yorker!

It may have been raining
Close to pouring actually, 
But my new running buddies were lovely
Let me go at my pace and pushed me too
We're conquering cancer 
Training in the Ulman Cancer Fund's
Cancer to 5km program

The best part was the trees
Magnolias! Blossoms!
And the flowers
Jonquils! Daffodils!
It's so damn glorious

The start of spring
The start of a new training season
I completed 12 weeks of the last one
Only for the hemogoblin goblin
To take residence 
Right before race day
Will I make it this time?

Feeling a part of 
The community of runners
Out on a day like today, insane and
Glorious too
Look at us, out in the rain! 

It has been so hard
The struggle, is most definitely,
Absolutely real
But today was a good day and
​My heart sings. 

When I was 8 or 9
We lived with our grandparents
Abuelo had a treadmill in his study
The machine was loud and clunky 
With a clangy bell timer
One day I decided I want to use it
I stepped on, set the timer for 15 minutes
And ran
Much to my own amazement
Without stopping
I was able to run the full 15 minutes
Running was something 
I could just do 

I remember running the 
School cross country 
Four laps of the school’s perimeter 
Starting and finishing on the school oval

When I was 12
I came 2nd and went to the 
District competition 
The track was through the 
Bush at the St Ives Showground 
The week before I’d had a serious flu
On race day I felt good
I remember the final moments of the race
I had a huge surge of energy 
Sprinted for the finish line
Another girl and I were neck-a-neck
She pulled ahead at the last moment
Taking the final regional position  
I think I felt proud I’d run a good race
If only I hadn’t been sick the week before! 

The following year
My first of year of high school
I made it to district again
We walked the track in preparation
I felt self-conscious around the
Taller, more lithe looking girls 
They were Runners
I was… not? 

I ran throughout high school
Never quite re-attaining my 12 year-old-self’s glory 
At some grown-ups insistence
I did Little Athletics for a bit 
“In case I changed my mind about running and wanted to try something else”
(Why couldn’t I just run?) 
I enjoyed it 
But still felt self-conscious around the other girls
I wasn’t quite right
Too slow
Too small
Not enough 

I ran less at uni
Pre-occupied with 
Classes and socializing 
During a bout of depression 
I finally went running again
While on a downhill slope 
A total stranger told me to 
Stop trying so hard
(Whoever you were, lady, fuck off). 

A horrible break-up 
Got me running again
I decided to run 
The City the Surf 
It was glorious
The following year I ran
The New Milford 8
It had none of the atmosphere of Sydney
The course was an utter bitch 
Drama school took over 

I started again on my birthday 
When I was in Fort Collins 
(At altitude)
With a brand new pair of trainers
And an app on my phone 

Back in London
I ran in Gladstone Park
I ran in Ruislip and fell in love with 
Running to the lido 
In the south of London I
Ran after work a few times a week 
Avoided the cold by walking the
Miles of underground tunnels 
Connecting the tube stations 

I ran in Fort Collins 
Built up to 10km 2-3 times a week
Looped around the lake
The cemetery 
The circumference of the park
Listening to audio books 
I ran in rain and snow and 
Under gorgeous bright blue skies

The polar vortex hit 
I tried using the treadmill at 
Local indoor pool
I hated it

A month later 
I started again 
Even short runs were painful 
I started running with a new friend
Night runs 
Trail runs 
Runs where we dreamed about mini houses 
I was winded easily 
And tired 
She would do handstands and encourage me to keep going 
Had the polar vortex frozen my fitness? 

Six weeks later
I was diagnosed with leukemia 
The infections on my legs
Combined with 
Debilitating chemo 
Meant I had to walk with a walking frame 
Hand-foot syndrome 
(a reaction to chemo)
Made it painful to even walk to the toilet 

The past few weeks
On my to hospital appointments 
I've seen people
Running
Along the East River
Counting breaths
Timing paces
Wearing stretchy pants and 
Lightweight jackets
I want to be one of them again
Those people who get up early and
Fit in a run before work
That delicious post-run feeling
When you’re full of endorphins
The runner’s high

This morning I watched the 
Brooklyn Half Marathon 
The course went right by our street 
There weren’t too many spectators
It felt safe to be out 

The sight of people running
The sound of feet along the pavement  
Spectators with cowbells cheer the runners on
You can do this! 
You got this!
Let’s go! 
Some of the runners cheer back
Yeah! 
Thank you for being here! 
Celebratory “WOO!!”s 
Triumphant high 5s as they pass 
The humanity of a running race 

I want to run again 
Imagine being that person
Who can run 15 minutes without stopping 
Imagine that it’s something
You can just do.