I haven’t really slept since Saturday
I’m wired
I’m entirely discombobulated
It’s thrilling to be back
It’s all just as I left it
But different somehow
And it’s very warm

​On today’s training run
Coach Bennett talked about strength
The capacity to withstand force or pressure

Tonight, I cried boarding the plane
The realization that I last left London to get married
And now I’m returning
With all that has happened in between

How lovely it was to see Zoe
And how lucky that we could take a tour of the historic
Boston Athenæm
What a thrill it was to see books from the 17th century
Books then considered to be essential for human knowledge
Desert island books if you will
Sent from England to Boston (via the Caribbean)
And now sitting in an old glass lined cabinet
(There was an exhibit a few years ago that asked
What is essential knowledge?
…
What do you consider Required Reading?)
Being able to walk between the narrow aisles of the stacks
The wonderful smell of old books
It fills my soul and raises my heartbeat
I want to read ALL the books!
And see all the films
And watch all the plays!
And hear all the music!
And play all the instruments!
Why is our time so infuriatingly finite?!
Rachel and I decided on our afterlife meeting spot
And promised to one day haunt the halls of the Athenæm
Reading for all eternity
In this lifetime
We had lunch on the Common and
Sat with Zoe on her break
The full breadth of humanity on display

The afternoon was reserved for the quiet of Mount Auburn
A stunning garden cemetery full of faery energy
A resting place for the dead
A home for the towering trees
Moss covered mausoleums
And stone statues
Gravestones and crypts and a
Verdant landscape
That takes your breath away with its beauty
And you whisper to the trees
Thank you for this day.

How long has it been since my last visit to Nantucket?
At least a decade
We took the fast boat out into the Atlantic
And sat outside on the upper deck
The smell of the salt air
The gorgeous view of dark blue ocean against pale blue sky
Arriving in the harbor
A flood of memories
Spending Christmas here with Kris
Traveling with Rachel on my way to drama school
Watching the Tonys with Binth and Normand
I’ve only ever been in the off-season
It was strange to see it so busy
Crowds of people
In linen and designer polo shirts and
Designer sandals and matching luggage
We left the tourists behind
And made our way down Main Street
To la casa de Los Titos de Nantucket
The Spanish flag was missing
Tita Tinka greeted us at the door
Warm and welcoming
Kisses on both cheeks
Though she couldn’t remember who we were
She gave us a tour of the house
It had barely changed
Everything almost just where I had left it last
But now faded and dusty
What was once gleaming has lost its sparkle

While Tito Fernando was sleeping
Tinka had her lunch in the garden
The place where she had grown up
And her mother grew up
And her mother before her
Peter stopped by, and Anselma and KeithAnn
The sky was bright blue and the air was warm
And the neighbors waved as they passed
Just as they always do

I went inside in time for Tito Fernando’s lunch
The nurse asked if I would like to feed him
So I sat with him and helped him eat his carne con arroz y vegetales
Food delivered by Meals on Wheels
Rachel joined us and put on some classical music
The music that was always playing in the car
The music of my childhood
The music that makes me think of Abuela and Abuelo
Connection across centuries and continents
“Who?” Fernando asked.
Soy Luisa, tu sobrina. La nieta de su hermano, Luis.
Y Rachael es la nieta de su hermano, Julio.
Somos las nietas de tu hermanos.
He seemed to perk up at the mention of his brothers.
He raised an eyebrow and almost chuckled when Rachel said he’d taught her to fold a fitted sheet
He definitely perked up at the mention of the World Cup
It was nice to be able to share that the Philippines had won a game and that
Spain was still in the running

I talked about doing the chicken dance on New Year’s Eve
And how that same year for Christmas, we killed a chicken
Cut its neck with a blade in the backyard
De-feathered it
And cooked it for dinner
I remembered the three-course meals we’d shared at that very table
The silver napkin rings
The candles
Going to church on Sunday mornings and coming home for brunch
The way Tito Fernando would announce
“I’m going to measure the bed!” before his afternoon siesta
How we stayed up late and watched Cranford on PBS
How Tita Tinka taught us to bake mountains of cookies - jam thumbprints and lace cookies and truffles and, of course,
Flan! The first flan in the history of time to rival Abuela’s
All from her impossibly tiny kitchen

And then it was time to leave
We helped Tito Fernando back into his chair
I held his hand, and kissed his forehead
See you soon, Tito. We love you.
Binth picked us up and
I burst into tears
We had lunch by the wharf and Normand joined us
Dear friends who warm your heart

All too soon it was time to be back on the boat
And as we sailed past the lighthouse
To make sure that we’ll return
I threw a dime into the water
Because we didn’t have pennies
(I still feel guilty about throwing coins into the ocean. Is it ok?)
And an hour later
We were back
On the mainland.

Traveling with the Rabinowii
From Salem to Boston
Walking through the Common
Riding in a swan boat - sha la la!
And lunch in the park
(Lemonade on a hot summer’s day may be one of the greatest inventions ever made)
Walking to the aquarium
And admiring the schools of silvery fish
And the lugubrious turtle who can hold her breath for minutes at a time
The brightly colored anemones and the dazzling sea dragon
Finishing the day with ice cream in the plaza
Before heading home
Where the puppy snuggled on my lap.

​A day trip to Washington D.C.
My plan had just been to wander down the mall
See where inspiration struck
When the bus pulled into Union Station
In the early afternoon
It was 37C / 98F
I sat in the shade of the Botanical Gardens
To eat my lunch
And wandered through the exhibits
The tropical zones felt temperate by comparison to the outside

The Museum of the American Indian
Fascinating and harrowing
The opposition of perspectives
The betrayed treaties
The visual poetry of Jenny Ann “Chapoose” Taylor’s “Nations”
A beaded American flag where
The stars are made from two-letter abbreviated state names and
The stripes from the names of 456 tribes
The hidden child in the bronze statue
Edward E. Hlavka’s “Allies in War, Partners in Peace”
You have to go into the alcove to see her
Glancing up at her elders
Clutching her doll

Late in the afternoon
It was still blazingly hot but
I walked down the mall anyway
Convened with The Council of Animals
Walked all the way down to the White House
Where the secret service were cycling the perimeter 
A large group of tourists clamored at the front gate of
The People’s House
Unable to enter
But still excitedly taking selfies

A few minutes down the road
Immigrant Food
Mission: Celebrate the successes of past immigrants and positively impacts today’s immigrants who have come to America to remake their lives
I had the Persian Plants and Peas --
Seasoned chicken, split peas, crackle rice, goji berries, kale, kalamata olive dressing and fresh mint
Created by Chef Taraneh Salehi

And then, the reason for the trip in the first place
A visit to The Kennedy Center
It’s always surreal to visit places IRL
That I’ve been researching online
They’re real!
(Much like America. I grew up watching it on TV, in movies. It’s real!)
The grandness of it
I felt sweaty and gross after the heat of the day and wished I could take a shower

Up to the gods of the concert hall
For the world premier of RENT with a symphony orchestra!
It began with an overture and before I knew it
The tears were flowing
All the feelings about all the ways this musical
Has been in my life for over two decades
Through high school and uni and travel
Through loves and losses
And international moves
And cancer (my own and dad’s and my friends and the friends who aren’t here any more)
And marriage
And now separation
How do you measure--

And at the end of the night
I boarded a bus
And traveled through the early morning
Back to New York City
Where it was still hot and
Where I call home
Despite all of its crazy and
All of its terrible contradictions
And collapsed into bed.

Fly up to Rochester
Feels incongruous the day after hundreds of thousands of people
March to save the world from climate change
Business as usual on the airlines
Plastic water bottles
Disposable single-use everything

Greeted by Bonnie at the airport
A new friend and immediate kindred spirit
We spend a delightful afternoon
With husband Kurt, and puppers ROz and Teddy
On a boat
Floating around Lake Honeoye
Dipping our feet in the chilly water
I envision abandoning everything to become a writer
Residing on the smallest of the Finger Lakes
In a little cabin
Making friends with the ducks and egrets
And learning to paddle board
Easy to have those visions
On the eve of a summery autumnal equinox
And not in the middle of a north-east frigid arctic winter

An enormous salad and grilled chicken for dinner
Downing gatorade. It’s going to be hot tomorrow.
Lay out the running gear
Place gels and dates in the pouch
Charge my phone
Charge the spare charger
Sleep and recharge myself

Wake up in the dark
A&D cream all over my feet
Under my sports bra
Under my arms
Don my uniform
Tie my laces
Bonnie and I head out as the sky is beginning to light
We drive to the finish line at Frontier Field
The parking lot is full of runners
School buses are lined up to take everyone down the road to the
Start line in Maplewood Park
We board with the other runners and a few supporters

A golden ball of a sun appears through the trees
Illuminating a sea of humanity
Over a thousand runners
Stretched out on the tennis courts
Bodies large and small, young and old
A celebration of humanity

The runners flex and chat
Nibble on apples and bananas and sachets of peanut butter
While their spouses and parents and loved ones stand by
Holding puppies and the remnants of breakfast

The announcer calls the runners to the start line
A benediction is given
While I’m in the port-a-loo
Thank you for the day, thank you for the runners, thank you for the volunteers
The national anthem is sung
It always makes me emotional

Last call to the start line
Bonnie waves,
I call out
“See you in six hours!”
A horn blares and we’re off
The Rochester Marathon 2019

Through the green and leafy park where
The air is cool and fresh
Out into an industrial looking area
(I later learn it is a Business Park)
One mile down,
Twenty-five point two to go.

Turn right onto Lake Avenue, a
Pretty tree-lined street
Running through the middle of two cemeteries
At the first water stop
I’m impressed that runners are throwing
Their cups into strategically placed bins
In New York, I’d be running on a sea of disintegrating paper

Make a right into Turning Point Park
Onto the Genesee Riverway Trail
Downhill under a canopy of trees
Someone has built cairns along the side of the path
Large and small stone towers precariously balanced

We come to the Genesee River
At the entrance to the boardwalk
A guitarist is playing
We run right over the water
And past mile four

Up the hill into suburbia
Turn right and come upon the entrance to a large bridge
The Colonel Patrick O'Rorke Memorial Bridge
It’s one of those bridges that can split in two
A marina below is filled with boats
The river is bounded by trees
A glorious sight

Over the bridge we enter
Irondeqouit
And begin a long loop back down to the start
I spend time wondering how to pronounce this place name
Iron-de-coit? Iron-de-quit? E-ron-de-quit?
The relay runners trade off
I envy the fresh runners
And try to run at my own pace
And not beat myself up for feeling slow

We come to a hill
Volunteers and onlookers at the top
You’ve got this! You made it!

All along St Paul’s Avenue
Families line the side of the road
They’ve set up their own water tables
Laden with snacks
Baked goods, fruit, and candy
“Take whatever you want! It’s all for you!”
One family has rented a jumping castle
Further down the road, a horn trio is set up on the grass
On one block, signs for Trump
On the next, signs for Biden and Warren
A kid tries to play saxophone while his friends
Run around him

A concrete bridge back over the river
A woman has the same hat as me
I tell her she has a nice hat
She laughs

Just before mile 10
We hear sirens
Motorbike police come down the road
“Move to the right. The leader is coming through!”
The man in first place comes sprinting past on his second lap
He is running so fast his feet seem to be touching his butt
His pace is incredible
We cheer for him

Back onto the Genesee River Trail
Through a parking lot filled with enthusiastic teens
Dressed in brightly colored outfits
Handing out water and gatorade

Back into Maplewood Park
The half-marathon runners can taste the finish
I breathe
End of the park
Back into the industrial zone
Half-way mark.
I’ve got this. I feel strong.
Marathon number four, you are mine.

Somewhere between mile 15 and 17
The sun begins to feel hot
I start to feel wiped
I begin to walk/run.
We turn right to make a loop through the Riverside Cemetery
To add an extra mile to the course
It’s quiet in the cemetery
I imagine the skeletons in their graves cheering for me
Wooohoooooo!
The occasional living volunteer with an orange flag points the way
I thank each one for staying on the course
I silently thank the volunteers unseen
Who placed yellow arrows on the ground

Genesee Riverway Trail
Trees. Cairns.
Downhill.
Run again.
The boardwalk. The river.
The guitarist is still there.
Thank you for being out here.
Thank you for playing.

I realize I’m not going to run this thing
In less than 6 hours
If I could run the rest of the way, I could do it
But the air is hot and
My legs and feet are burning
Tears sting
The goal is to finish, the goal is to finish
The goal is to finish

The Rochester Gilda’s Club volunteers
Are a welcome sight
At the end of the boardwalk
I want to run
I cannot run
I tell the volunteers what I’m doing
And that I’m a member in New York
They cheer extra loud
I try to run again

Suburbia.
The bridge.
Irondeqouit.
The hill.
The families have packed up
The saxophonist has gone inside
The horn players are still holding strong
One of them plays the call before a sergeant would yell
“Charge!”
I cannot charge. I wave.
Occasional police guard the road barricades
Volunteers.
Concrete bridge.
Maplewood Park.

The sweet teens from the
St John Fisher Rowing Team and
Harley Allendale Columbia Cross Country Club
Provide much needed water and cheering
The pink sports drink tastes like medicine  

Head to the part where on the first lap
The half-marathon runners peeled away
I must be close?!
I am in agony
My feet hurt
My legs hurt
My sides hurt
My brain hurts
I’m slow
I’m last
Where is the finish?
Two miles to go.

Through Lower Falls Park
Run back over the river
A spectacular waterfall
I wish I had time to take a photo
I wish I had energy to take a photo
We leave the trail

Just before the 25 mile mark
A torturously steep hill
Toward the top, I see a guy bent over
Puking his guts up
I’ve never seen anything quite like it
He just keeps puking torrents of clear liquid
I wave to the volunteers at the top of the hill
They think I am waving because I need encouragement
I yell out, “He needs help!”
“What?”
“He needs help!”
The volunteers leap into action
An ambulance siren can be heard behind me
I hope the man is ok

Past another waterfall
My god, Rochester is gorgeous
I wish I could appreciate it
Right now, I have a marathon to finish

Turn onto a main road
The river becomes obscured by industrial warehouses
There is no shade
Only blazing sun
The world is unforgiving concrete and warehouses and trash
Cars crawl down the road on my left
Some guy rolls down his window
“Bit warm isn’t it?”
In my head, I tell him to fuck off
How many marathons have you run today, asshole?
I keep walking and trying to run
I know I’m so close

Turn right
Less than a kilometer to go
A volunteer: They’re going to close the course in 10 minutes
Me: No. I’m going to finish. Please tell them to let me finish.
I start running again.

The sky is bright blue.
My legs are burning.
My feet are burning.
Everything hurts.
Where is the goddamn finish line?!
I see it up ahead
I shuffle run
I desperately want to finish
Bonnie spots me. She cheers.
It gives me the last bit of oomph I need
I cross the finish line and burst into tears.

My calves cramp.
My feet cramp.
I am starving.
I down gatorade and a bagel.
And ice cream.
And water.
And more gatorade.
A massage therapist helps me through the cramping.
I have awful chafing between my legs. Didn’t think to put cream there. I know for next time.

That hurt.
That was hard.
I did it.
Marathon number four.

A whirlwind of a trip
Breakfast, lunch, and dinner
With different people, in different locations
Every day for thirteen days
My vain attempt to fit everyone and everything into two weeks

Leave summer in New York
Travel for over a day
To the other side of the world
Land in Sydney winter

Brunch with Mum, Dad, and Anita
A trip to the Northern Suburbs Memorial Garden
To “visit” the grandparents
There’s something comforting in the fact that they’re all in the same place
It’s a beautiful resting place
Gum trees and bottlebrush and eucalypts
I miss them

Playing in the park with Anna and Lucas and Meg and Phoebe
Dinner with Emma and Zaza
Passing out mid-sentence

Waking up to a bright blue sky and
The glorious view of Sydney Harbour
Our airbnb, a generous gift from Mum
Fighting off jetlag by
Running up and down to
Sawmillers Reserve
Memories of housesitting and
Heartbreak
The hills leave me winded

Catching the ferry
The old green and “gold” ferries still in operation
Are they really going to be decommissioned?
The Scarborough and Borrowdale, Fred Hollows, Victor Chang, and May Gibbs
Will being on the water under the Harbour Bridge ever get old?!

Walking through Circular Quay and
The Royal Botanical Gardens
The last place I sat and journaled before I went away
The NSW Art Gallery
Remembering the Singers’ concert
December, a 30C/90F day
Three people fainted, one right after the other
Contemporary Indigenous art
Walking the Gods exhibit
The appeal of Buddhism
Martin Place
Remembering the first time I walked into the Theatre Royal
Just to see if there were any jobs going
I stayed for eight years, on and off
It led me to work in the West End
And Broadway
It’s hard to see it boarded up

Braving the chilly wind to walk around Barangaroo
The surprise of the scale of it
Reclaiming the foreshore
An astonishing achievement
At the price of another casino
Laksa with Sam in the CBD
Cake and tea with Zaza in the QVB
Sushi train with Emma in The Galleries

Breakfast with Miren
Accompanied by a flock of rainbow lorikeets
And a view to melt your heart
Walking from Bondi to Coogee
Skirting the glorious Pacific Ocean
Was it always this clear?
Remembering when I used to go running here
When I used to sit in Waverley Cemetery overlooking the ocean
When I went through a phase of meeting foreign men and going on one date and realizing I was not even a little bit interested
It’s not quite spring, but the flowers are in bloom
Fluffy yellow wattle on dark green leaves against a bright blue sky
Lunch at Tum’s, still the best pad thai in Sydney

Before cancer
Before Aaron
Before London
Before Buck’s Rock
Before Kris
There was uni
The site of my worst depression
The place of my happiest late teens and early twenties
Never leaving campus for more than week from the day I enrolled
To the day I graduated
Twelve years and a lifetime later
Meeting up with Sanger and Yaui
Drinking in the fancy new alumni bar
Crying at the place where Studio One used to be
Being devastated that Contact (my first job with a salary)
Has been replaced by Google
Back in my day, there were no smart phones
Dinner with Peter and Janiene, Alyse and Ryan, and Dad and Anita

Re-discovering Chatswood and the shopping centre
The brands are all still the same
Glassons and SportsGirl and the Australian Geographic
The fairy shop in Lemon Grove has vanished
But a Chinese restaurant downstairs is serving breakfast
We order everything on the menu
Congee, noodle soups, dumplings, pork buns, and fried dough
Accompanied by philosophical discussion with Eran
Steven, a friend from high school appears out of no where
I don’t think I’ve seen him in about seventeen years

Riding the new metro
It’s clean and fast and goes all the way to Tallawong
North Shore/Eastern Suburbs/Inner West me
Has never even heard of Tallawong
When I was little, going to Kellyville was going to the ends of the earth and it took forever
The metro gets you there in half an hour!
More memories in Epping
I squeeze Aaron’s hand extra tight

Featherdale Wildlife Park with Mum
A chance to see Aussie flora and fauna up close
The in-heat koalas stink, but they are rather gorgeous
We have a photo with Archie
And wander through the park
Kookaburras and cockatoos and lorikeets
Warblers, magpies, pipits, and owls
I’d forgotten the abundance of of birds
Kangaroos and wallabies
Echidnas, quokkas, snakes and
Eerie ghost bats devouring baby chicks
A baby echidna is called a puddle
The smallest penguins on earth are called Little Penguins
The infamous ibises (ibi?) terrorize small children and
Threaten to steal our lunch

In Katoomba
The temperature drops
The wind blows furiously
It feels like we will be blown away past The Three Sisters
Dinner with Lenny and Sarah and Luca, and Molly
Being spoilt in a fancy hotel

Breakfast overlooking the valley
A sea of trees
The thrill of the Scenic Railway, steepest in the world
Formerly providing access to the mines below
Now a tourist attraction
Descending into the beauty of the rainforest
The astonishing cliffs
The smell of earth and stone and eucalypts
Ancient tall trees and barbarous vines and pale green ferns
Lyrebirds dance beneath the boardwalk

We meet Trish at the Sydney Coliseum
Another place that Didn’t Exist Before
An incredible new cultural venue in the West
Visions of abandoning everything and coming to work for Trish again

Back in Sydney
Aaron prepares for his talk
Mum and I have our nails did
Then off to the pub and the skeptics
For Aaron to deliver his lecture on moral luck
It is inspiring and amusing to see the philosopher hold court
My worlds collide, high school, singers, uni, and camp
Mikey, Erin, Jenna, Sam, and Emma
Feeling so lucky to have crossed paths with such wonderful folk

Day six - sister day!
Meet Anita at Taronga Zoo
Ride the skyway to the top of the hill
Pop into see the Bird Show
Owls and black-crested cockatoos fly perilously close
Parading their beauty
Sydney Harbour provides the scenic backdrop
Cerulean blue sky and dark navy water
Offset by the green of the gum trees
Makes my heart catch in my throat
Wend our way down
Playful chimpanzees show off their high ropes skills and
Tumble in the grass
Crocodiles, saltwater and fresh, sit low in the water
Around the corner, line up for the Tiger Trek!
Pretend you’re on a plane
Land in “Sumatra”
A surprisingly effective reminder of
Where the tigers actually come from
The threat of extinction caused by humans
Across the way, the giraffes no longer have the best in view in Sydney
A “savannah” is being constructed
We arrive to their temporary enclosure in time for feeding
Long blue tongues lick up carrots and spinach from the innards of giant bottles
And strip leaves off branches for dessert
Giraffes have colour vision so they can see which leaves are ripe
A mob of meerkats stand as tall as they can
Right before we leave we come across
Fire pillows! Red pandas playing on a fallen log

Drive across to Balmain
A quick tour through Phoebe’s school
Up to Darling Street for
Decadent pastries and tea
Meet Meg
Lavish Turkish grill for dinner

Up early for the Eveleigh Farmers Market
Aaron is ready to move to Sydney for the food alone
I want a croque madame and instead
We stumble upon Vietnamese pho and decide
Breakfast pho is imperative
Meet Anita at King’s Cross
Over to the inner west to catch
Phoebe’s netball game
It’s hot on the court in full sun
Flashbacks to PSSA netball
A lifetime ago
The day gets away
We don’t make it to Sanger’s game day and I feel awful

Dinner with Mum’s side of the family at Delicado
Paella and croquettes, chorizo and ensaladas
At the last minute we decide to go down to Luna Park
Sydney Harbour by night
Sparkling lights, cool air
Walk off the rich food

In the morning, out to Marrickville
Picnic brunch
A meeting of dear friends, old and new
Kane, Ste, Theresa, Danielle, David, Sarah, Erin, Courtney, Keyna, Tully, Lyra, and Sol
Hannah and Lesley, and the skeptics from the pub
Delicious dips and cinnamon doughnuts
We could chat for hours
Taxi home to McMahon’s Point
The strange coincidence of one of the new friends living in the exact same building

In the afternoon
Over to Aunty Lou’s to see Dad’s side of the family
The little cousins not so little any more
The afternoon slips away
And we’re ready to go home and fall into bed

First meal of the day at Rising Sun Workshop
Breakfast ramen and miso tomato soup
Grilled cheese with bacon
The beautiful Heldon crew, Lori, Kristen, Naomi, Carolyn, and Lily
Wandering through Newtown and wishing we had more time

Jump on the train
Traveling down the North Shore Line
St Leonard’s, Artarmon, Chatswood, Roseville, Lindfield, Killara, Gordon, Turramurra
(All stations to Berowra)
Like traveling back in my own time capsule
My first love
My first kiss
My first engagement
Singing on the train (thank god I was a teenager before smart phones and social media)
Taking the meditation course and being unable to say my own name out loud from grief on day one to announcing on the last day that I was moving to London
Even with the astonishing development all along the Pacific Highway
It feels quaint after the freeways of New Jersey
The train station signs used to be blue
Now they’re all orange

Meet Mum at Turramurra
Drive down Bobbin Head Road
The Sphinx
Carved by a war vet who lived up the road
A quick walk down a bush trail
Kuringai Chase National Park
The literal backyard of my childhood
The air-blackened sandstone
The sandy soil
The spiky grass trees with their scorched trunks
The scribbly gums and eucalyptus still charred from the fires that raged over twenty years ago
The morning’s rain makes the air smell quintessentially
Australian Bush
I breathe it in deeply

Meet Miss Boyle at Kuringai
Twenty years since I went to school there
Memories of people and a life past
The Bini, dome-shaped school hall
Where it all started
My first solo
My first lead in a musical
The place where I performed my first devised pieces
The bush behind the school where I ran cross-country
After school drama club in the dance studio
Creative arts camp
Outside the classroom where the science teacher set off mini mushroom clouds
The library, now named for Catherine Jinx
But stripped of its books to make way for
Open Learning Spaces
Thankful thankful thankful for the time I had there

Drive over to Mount Colah
Clairie is a Mama, sweet little boys and a growing garden
Further up to Brooklyn, Sydney
By the time we get there it’s dark
Dinner at the Workers’ club with Helen, Sofia, and Luisito
Family and musical theatre

Catching the bus over to Lane Cove
Check out Dad’s new digs
Breakfast at the shops
Over to Circular Quay
We decide to wander the gardens again
The muscular Moreton Bay Figs seem enormous
The sails of the Opera House
The Museum of Contemporary Art and the whirling dervish

Back on the train and up to Roseville
Coffee with Aunty Lou and Benny
Over to Killara to see Amanda and newborn Mieke
Dinner with Sarah and Dave and little Annabelle
Walking around the Harbour on a warm evening

Breakfast with Dad at City Extra
Avocado and toast instead of chicken and chips
Meet Fred outside St Andrew’s Cathedral
Wandering around Darling Harbour
Being constantly amazed at construction and development
Over to Star City (now called The Star)
Matinee of Muriel’s Wedding: The Musical
A joy to see Victoria and Kaeng and Tom doing what they do best
Wandering around the bookstore
Dumplings with Emma and Carol in Ashfield

The second-last day is
The first full day of rain
Breakfast with soon-to-be-mama Yvette in Redfern
Meet Susan in Circular Quay
The rain will not cease
And the Manly-Spit Walk is off the cards
Find refuge in tea at the MCA
Over to Chinatown for lunch where
The noodle bowls are hot and spicy
Down to the Chinese Gardens, maybe the rain will stop
The gardens are beautiful
The weather is freezing and wet

We meet Zara and Courtney for a drink in a hidden cozy bar
Head over to Meg and Phoebe’s
Roast for dinner
Missing being able to hang out with my sisters on a regular basis

The final day
The rain has not abated
Emma meets us
Leftover-clean-out-the-fridge breakfast of champions
Catch the ferry to the aquarium
Merlin have bought the attraction
Now you take a ride to see the penguins
The shark tunnel is still thrilling
The giant stingrays
The beauty of the tropical tanks
I’m thankful I got to see the Great Barrier Reef when it was still alive
I was only small, but I still remember the colours

Back on the ferry to McMahon’s Point
Load up the car, last sweep of the flat
Lunch at Piato’s with Mum and Howard
Pick-up Anita from work
Over to the airport
Check-in via computer, no human interaction any more
Family pictures before we go through
It’s tradition

How lucky I was to grow up in Sydney
City of beach and bush
Sandstone and trees
The strangeness and loveliness of being in
The land of childhood and memory
With my husband by my side
Thankful to my parents who made it all possible 
Thankful to everyone who gave us time
Sorry to have missed so many 
Say farewell, for now.

I left Australia
8 years ago this week
To live on the other side of the world
If you flip an 8 on it’s side
It becomes the infinity symbol: ∞

Can it only have been 8 years?
It feels more like ∞
Or at least like a whole life time has passed

In the past 8 years
I got my Masters degree
I got married
I got cancer
I got better
I’ve run 3 marathons and 3 halfs
Worked at 4 different Broadway houses
Performed in different cities
Wrote and performed a one woman show

By coincidence I’ve lived in 8 different houses in that time
In 2 different countries
In 3 different American states

Around this time of year
I think of Abuelo
Standing on the deck of the P&O Iberia
Sailing into Sydney
And wondering what life would be like for his future nietos yet unborn

I think of Vivian
Who died tragically
When we were 15

I think of getting into the Olympics recording choir
And how it changed everything

I think about who I was when I left Australia
I thought it would be temporary
I wasn’t really sure what was next
My line went something like
“Live in London for 5 years. Live in New York for 5 years.
See what happens…”

Our knowledge of what is,
What could be, 
Is infinitesimal

And now that we have reached ∞
What is beyond? ​