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Maria Has Confidence

There once was a little girl in Sydney
And she used to dance around the living room
And it never occurred to her that she wanted to do anything else but be an actress 
But other things got in the way
Like school and boys and 
Other People’s Expectations About What Is A Good and Proper Life 
And so the girl went on her way
And skipped through life
And soon found she was very sad
Because she wasn’t doing what her heart told her she needed to be doing  

And one day she said, “Ohmygod, enough!”
And she packed her bags and hopped on a plane
And found herself on the other side of the planet
And traveling in peak hour and crammed into the tube
With all the three piece suits and briefcases
And people commuting to offices
And the girl thought, 
“These poor unfortunate souls!”
How many of them get to do what she does everyday?
Run around a room and play games and sing songs 
And dance 
And Live The Dream 
Dear People! 
It’s okay to live your dream! 

Why hold onto those doubts all those worries?!
If I don’t I just know I’ll turn back
I must dream of the life I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I’ve lacked
The courage to live life without reliance 
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I’m worthy,
And while I show them
I’ll show me! 

Because it IS so exciting
To be out in the world to be free
My heart IS wildly rejoicing
There is nothing the matter with me! 
I made a choice to be happy 
To let go of the angst and the pain and the worry
And I made a choice to go out into the world
And do whatever it is I’m meant to be doing

And hey world, here I am. 
A little girl from Sydney living in London
Spending her days learning all things musical
And it is wonderful.

The end. 
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image by Rosel D

Dear Uncle Mordechai. Could you ever have imagined, two-hundred and twenty odd years go, as you sat in the pub in London that your great-great-great (etc) niece would one day be here in this city of yours?! Because here I am. I’m in London! There’s no place like London!  Demon barbers aside... The double-decker red buses, the Tube, the masses of people from every walk-of-life, colour, creed, background, and birth status. That building is from 1200 A.D and that one was built on Roman foundations. And yet, here I am, this child from Australia whose ancestor sailed from here over two centuries ago! And in the intervening time his son sailed from London too, and he had children and they had children and they had children and so on and so forth and in between there were whole World Wars and  the Depression and  stolen children and whole countries were formed (including Australia which was signed into being in London!) and other immigrants arrived (including my mother) and suddenly history has fast forwarded, has appeared at this moment and here I am this Australian child born of Spanish, Filipino, Dutch, and Polish ancestors standing in London! And like a game from the Age of Empires, my map slowly unfolds around me as I explore this unknown yet strangely familiar territory. All the names from the Monopoly Board, all those markers from collective  consciousness suddenly here in my real perceived existence. It is strange. It is lovely. It is just here. And here I am ready to start drama school, ready to begin this Next Chapter. And I think of everything that has brought me to this moment. Two hundred and twenty odd years of history. Twenty-seven years of my own history and memories and recollections of the life that has brought me to be living in London. And then I smile and let it all go because it doesn’t matter. Because here I am. And here we go. 

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