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I’m feeling utterly despondent
Feeling like this will never end
I’m tired
So lethargic all I can do is lie on the couch
My heart races
Even when all I’ve done is sat up
My mood dips lower and lower and I don’t want to be around anyone
Do anything
I’m sick of the check-ups
I’m sick of needles and blood work
I’m sick of the cocktail of pills
And the hormone replacement patch
I’m sick of being sick
I’m sick of getting better
I just want to be well.
My hair fell out
My nails fell off
The skin on my legs is scarred and ugly
Now my thyroid is done
Radiated into uselessness by the treatment
Affecting my energy
My mood
Time to start a thyroid hormone replacement
To replace what was taken away by the cancer
Something completely out of my control
Random chance
Sometimes I feel like
Leukemia has taken everything away
My ability to travel
My ability to work
My ability to function
Sometimes even my will to live
Why didn’t I deny treatment in those early days?
Let the leukemia wreak its havoc
A few days of pain and drifting off into
Morphine euphoria
Is surely better than this?
They say a vegetarian diet reduces your risk of cancer
Eating organic foods reduces your risk of cancer
Using mineral based make-up reduces your risk of cancer
Exercising regularly reduces your risk of cancer
Meditating reduces your risk of cancer
Reciting affirmations and dealing with grief
And healing your pain body
Reduces your risk of cancer
I did all these things
For almost a decade
Before I got cancer
Was I given a drug
As a premmie baby
That changed my cells
So that thirty years later
Something would trigger them
To start attacking me?
Was it the fact that we lived on a highway
And my bedroom window faced the road
And every morning at 6am
I’d be up running along that highway
Training for the school cross country
Breathing in the car fumes
And running
Straight to a leukemia diagnosis
Fifteen years later?
Was it the year of intense stress
The year before diagnosis?
Waiting for that goddamn visa
Living in limbo
Neither here, nor there
My life on hold
Waiting for a piece of paper?
Why the hell did this happen?
What is the universe trying to teach me?
Patience? Humility? Life sucks so get used to?
How does a healthy 29 year old
Who exercises regularly
Eats a mostly organic vegetarian diet
Hasn’t needed a doctor in almost five years
Get effing cancer?
Why is my own blood rebelling against me?
Medicine has repeatedly told me
It was genetic roulette
And sheer bad luck
The cells mutated
It wasn’t my fault
There is nothing I could have done
Should have done
Differently.
And now I’m healing
My sister’s bone marrow
Overtaking my own
My immune system learning to cope again
Can’t be in crowded spaces
Can’t ride the subway
Can’t eat take out
Definitely can’t go to Broadway
And I want to know what I can do
To make it better
Speed the process along
Give me hope that I have some control over what is happening in my life
There must be something I can do?
Eat better?
Eat tomatoes. They attack cancer cells.
Don’t eat canned tomatoes. They have BPA and they’ll give you cancer.
Eat berries. They fight cancer cells.
Don’t eat berries. They can’t be washed well and pose a risk to your immune system.
Eat mushrooms. They conquer cancer.
Don’t eat mushrooms. They are linked to candida which may be linked to cancer.
The doctor says it’s just time
Diet won’t help.
For years
I’ve been an advocate of organic
And fresh and local and
I don’t know who to believe any more
There are so many different types of cancer
So many carcinogens
So many possible causes
We really just don’t know
I try to remind myself
It’s not permanent
I will get better
My chances are good
Try not to be afraid of
Relapse or
Secondary cancer, a result of the treatment
I try not to get upset at the people with cancer
Who make it seem like such a blessing
And a blast
Look at the wigs I get to wear! Look how my life has changed for the better since I got cancer! Look at how I’m inspirationally dealing with LIFE!
I have never been one to live in fear
But now I am demoralized
And feeling stuck
And tired
And utterly miserable
And my own goddamn blog
Breathe just breathe
Becomes an ironic call to myself
It’s all you can do
Just keep breathing
Even when it hurts
Even when your heart is pounding
Even when the darkness overtakes you
And your brain tells you
It’s never going to get better
Fuck you cancer
You are not welcome here.
** I just want to reassure you that I am receiving excellent care. I have an amazing team of doctors, nurse practitioners, and specialists, who are working with me to ensure I have the best care and outcomes. The support shown by friends and family has been astonishing, and I couldn’t get through this without you. Sometimes, I just need to vent the pain, anger, frustration and depression. I’m getting additional help so I can cope. Thanks for reading. x
Feeling like this will never end
I’m tired
So lethargic all I can do is lie on the couch
My heart races
Even when all I’ve done is sat up
My mood dips lower and lower and I don’t want to be around anyone
Do anything
I’m sick of the check-ups
I’m sick of needles and blood work
I’m sick of the cocktail of pills
And the hormone replacement patch
I’m sick of being sick
I’m sick of getting better
I just want to be well.
My hair fell out
My nails fell off
The skin on my legs is scarred and ugly
Now my thyroid is done
Radiated into uselessness by the treatment
Affecting my energy
My mood
Time to start a thyroid hormone replacement
To replace what was taken away by the cancer
Something completely out of my control
Random chance
Sometimes I feel like
Leukemia has taken everything away
My ability to travel
My ability to work
My ability to function
Sometimes even my will to live
Why didn’t I deny treatment in those early days?
Let the leukemia wreak its havoc
A few days of pain and drifting off into
Morphine euphoria
Is surely better than this?
They say a vegetarian diet reduces your risk of cancer
Eating organic foods reduces your risk of cancer
Using mineral based make-up reduces your risk of cancer
Exercising regularly reduces your risk of cancer
Meditating reduces your risk of cancer
Reciting affirmations and dealing with grief
And healing your pain body
Reduces your risk of cancer
I did all these things
For almost a decade
Before I got cancer
Was I given a drug
As a premmie baby
That changed my cells
So that thirty years later
Something would trigger them
To start attacking me?
Was it the fact that we lived on a highway
And my bedroom window faced the road
And every morning at 6am
I’d be up running along that highway
Training for the school cross country
Breathing in the car fumes
And running
Straight to a leukemia diagnosis
Fifteen years later?
Was it the year of intense stress
The year before diagnosis?
Waiting for that goddamn visa
Living in limbo
Neither here, nor there
My life on hold
Waiting for a piece of paper?
Why the hell did this happen?
What is the universe trying to teach me?
Patience? Humility? Life sucks so get used to?
How does a healthy 29 year old
Who exercises regularly
Eats a mostly organic vegetarian diet
Hasn’t needed a doctor in almost five years
Get effing cancer?
Why is my own blood rebelling against me?
Medicine has repeatedly told me
It was genetic roulette
And sheer bad luck
The cells mutated
It wasn’t my fault
There is nothing I could have done
Should have done
Differently.
And now I’m healing
My sister’s bone marrow
Overtaking my own
My immune system learning to cope again
Can’t be in crowded spaces
Can’t ride the subway
Can’t eat take out
Definitely can’t go to Broadway
And I want to know what I can do
To make it better
Speed the process along
Give me hope that I have some control over what is happening in my life
There must be something I can do?
Eat better?
Eat tomatoes. They attack cancer cells.
Don’t eat canned tomatoes. They have BPA and they’ll give you cancer.
Eat berries. They fight cancer cells.
Don’t eat berries. They can’t be washed well and pose a risk to your immune system.
Eat mushrooms. They conquer cancer.
Don’t eat mushrooms. They are linked to candida which may be linked to cancer.
The doctor says it’s just time
Diet won’t help.
For years
I’ve been an advocate of organic
And fresh and local and
I don’t know who to believe any more
There are so many different types of cancer
So many carcinogens
So many possible causes
We really just don’t know
I try to remind myself
It’s not permanent
I will get better
My chances are good
Try not to be afraid of
Relapse or
Secondary cancer, a result of the treatment
I try not to get upset at the people with cancer
Who make it seem like such a blessing
And a blast
Look at the wigs I get to wear! Look how my life has changed for the better since I got cancer! Look at how I’m inspirationally dealing with LIFE!
I have never been one to live in fear
But now I am demoralized
And feeling stuck
And tired
And utterly miserable
And my own goddamn blog
Breathe just breathe
Becomes an ironic call to myself
It’s all you can do
Just keep breathing
Even when it hurts
Even when your heart is pounding
Even when the darkness overtakes you
And your brain tells you
It’s never going to get better
Fuck you cancer
You are not welcome here.
** I just want to reassure you that I am receiving excellent care. I have an amazing team of doctors, nurse practitioners, and specialists, who are working with me to ensure I have the best care and outcomes. The support shown by friends and family has been astonishing, and I couldn’t get through this without you. Sometimes, I just need to vent the pain, anger, frustration and depression. I’m getting additional help so I can cope. Thanks for reading. x
All love and blessings to you dear one. You inspire me.
Vxxx
I will be keeping you in prayers and thoughts. One thing I know for sure: You are one brave soul.
To serve your turn long after they are gone
And still hold on when there is nothing in you
But the will that says to them, "Hold on!"
From Kipling, "If"