I left Australia five years ago today
The “five year plan” was this:
Go to drama school
Graduate
Work in London
Meet an English-American
Move to New York
Re-assess where I want to be, and figure out next five years.
 
If I could talk to you/me/us
In that moment when you’re sitting on the plane
Full of excitement and expectation and hope
What would I say to you? What would you want to know?
 
I think of Abuelo
Standing on the deck of the P&O Iberia
Leaning against the railing as
Sydney Harbour comes into view
Imagining his life in Australia
Believing that this would be the final destination for his family
When he got sick
Did he think about that moment?
Had his life turned out the way he imagined?
I never thought to ask until now
 
When I left Australia
I didn’t expect to fall in love so quickly
At the end of the summer Aaron produced a small white box and (unbeknownst to him)
I completely freaked out
Convinced he was about to propose
I was not ready, not even remotely interested in marriage
I was moving to London and going to drama school and I wasn’t about to let a boy get in the way of that
The box contained a pair of earrings
Handmade by one of our friends, a pair of
Beautiful little wasps on nets of honeycomb
They’re still one of my favorite accessories
Aaron didn’t know about the momentary freak out
Until a week or so ago
 
But first there was London and drama school
Wearing black every day
Finding neutral, and finding center
Learning plosives and fricatives and voiced and unvoiced sounds  
Learning about resonance and keeping the larynx high and the importance of being warm
Learning resilience and defeat and gaining and losing my self esteem  
Learning to be an effective tree
Learning Sunday in the Park with George and falling in love with that gorgeous rich sumptuous and incredible music and figuring that there must be as many dots in the score as there were in the painting
 
Going to drama school in a recession was
The best of times and
The worst
Without a job to pay the bills  
I was ready to drop out
It was either school fees or rent
Then I was granted a scholarship
 
There was my aunt, who became my London Mum
L’Mum, as I now call her
And spending my twenty-seventh birthday walking around Highgate Cemetery and seeing a play about 9/11 and eating delicious pizza
Being treated to wonderful dinners and walks along the canals
 
There was flat-hunting as a foreigner in London
Visiting dingy flats with mouldy walls
And showers next to the bed
A shared toilet in the hallway
And being told I needed to give up half my life-savings for the privilege of living there 
 
There was my tiny room in Clandon Gardens
With its double glazed windows
Room for a bed, and a desk, and not much else
Where one night, delirious from hours of studying
I raced outside and danced in the snow instead of going to bed
 
It was where Aaron and I spent our first Christmas together
We made polvoron and had Christmas Eve dinner at a pub in Islington
And I learnt that Christmas didn’t have to be stressful
On Christmas Day we stayed home
And watched Firefly and ate Wensleydale cheese
 
A chance encounter on the tube
Led me to a kindred spirit
And living in a room of my own
In Willesden Green
I had a window seat, and room to twirl in, space to sing and flute
And a huge park just down the road for running in
 
Speaking of a room of one’s own
Walking the streets once paced by
Virginia Woolf and Mary Wollstonecraft
I immersed myself in feminism
And read my way through the feminist canon
 
I lived in a 400-year-old house in Ruislip
Ran to the Lido and borrowed books from the library in the converted barn
 
After a year of listening obsessively to MusicalTalk
I got to be a guest presenter
And became friends with the person who started it all
 
I saw Idina Menzel and Marvin Hamlisch in concert
And met Sir Tim Rice, who extended his hand and said
“I’m Tim”
I saw Liza Minelli
And Alanis Morrissette and
The Cat Empire and
A Chorus Line, A Doll’s House, Matilda, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Light Princess, and Shrek
Much Ado, Rock of Ages, War Horse, and Phantom
Top Hat, Legally Blonde, Betty Blue Eyes, and Loserville 
I saw tiny brand new musicals in black box theatres above pubs
And a wonderful re-telling of Arabian Nights
I saw Grounded at the Gate Theatre, and did a workshop with the actor
 
I wandered through Carnaby St and the twisting, winding alleyways that make up central London
I fell in love with Neal’s Yard and drank chocolate smoothies and bought hand-made soap
I ate haloumi burgers in Brick Lane
And salad from Food for Thought in Covent Garden
 
I visited the Globe
Stonehenge and St. Paul’s
Bath, Bristol, Brighton and Cardiff
In Oxford, I sat in the sun with Australian friends and watched the rowing
We went to the Shri Swaminarayan Mandir, one of the largest Hindu temples outside of India
 
Mum took me to Geneva
And flew me to Lanzarote for Vicky’s fortieth
 
I applied for a job at a supermarket
And was told that 30 hours a week now constituted “part-time”
I trialled at a café where I spent three hours serving customers and clearing tables to be told the manager had changed her mind about needing someone extra, and refused to pay me
I eventually got work at Winter Wonderland
£6 an hour to sit in the freezing cold selling tickets in £5 denominations
I ushered at Central and smiled sweetly for wealthy patrons
When drama school was over, I temped in offices across London
Answering phones for the giants in finance, publishing, and media
The best job was ushering at the Cambridge and getting paid
To watch Matilda eight times a week
 
I went back to camp
It felt like going home
I discovered the joy of teaching and
Saw Yo-Yo Ma performing at Tanglewood
I walked a labyrinth
Your boy is walking ahead of you
He is walking at a slower pace
He has internalized mindfulness
He does it as a matter of course
Your fall into his rhythm
And breathe
 
We drove across America together and
I fell in love with Fort Collins
We went to the stupa for my birthday and had a picnic in the park
With market wine and cheese and bread
 
I spent my second Christmas with Aaron,
My first with his family in Richmond
When I arrived after a long day of travel
Aaron and Jesse had strung fairy lights across the porch
We had “Jewish Christmas”
Watched a movie and ate Chinese food
Aaron and I decided to get married 
 
I waited impatiently for my fiancé visa
Quit my job at the Cambridge
And walked across Spain (again)
 
I arrived in Fort Collins at the beginning of winter
OpenStage and Old Town
Happy Heart and Wolverine Farm
My first Shakespeare
Volunteering and cycling and, best of all
Being with my love, at last
 
We packed up the car and drove east
Said goodbye to Ruth
My skin broke out in acne and I felt impossibly tired
And then it was Cancer
And Recovering from Cancer
Depression reared its ugly head and consumed me whole
 
I flew back to Australia
To say goodbye to Abuela
Sydney felt like an overgrown country town
Coming home to New York was a relief
 
We said goodbye to Jake
I was able to work again
I went to shows galore
I went to counseling
We visited Maine
 
And here you are.
 
Dear Me five years ago,
You go to drama school
You graduate (it feels weird) 
You work in London
You meet an American
You move to New York

Right now you don't know it, but all of this happens and more
You fall in love with an American
Who is an atheist descended from communist Jews
Who doesn’t eat vegetables
Is a wonderful cook
And is the most patient, kind, loving and wonderful human you can ever imagine
 
You love and hate London
You are poor
You live in different parts of the city and are continually amazed by its size and history and beauty
 
You walk the Camino (again)
 
You haven’t heard of it yet, but you live in Fort Collins, Colorado. It’s beautiful.
 
You get sick. The sickest you have ever been, and it’s going to suck.
You get better. It’s going to be a slog, but it happens. And the heaviness and tiredness and depression get easier (I think).
 
You say goodbye to Abuela
You are in the room when she passes away
And it will be peaceful and beautiful and sad
 
You live in New York
In Brooklyn specifically – your neighborhood is awesome
You are loved and cared for and held by extraordinary people
 
And one day,
Five years from now
You will be sitting in an office in Manhattan, around the corner from Grand Central
(Yep, you work there!)
And you will reflect on all that has happened between now and then
All the people you have met
The places you have seen
The things that have made your heart sing and be light
And you will laugh at your Five Year Plan
And wonder

​What’s next?