I arrived in the US
Twelve years ago today
It’s strange to think of that person
Landing in the freezing cold at Denver Airport
Clutching a folder thick with immigration paperwork
Feeling excited and scared about the next adventure

In the twelve years since
I’ve been married and divorced
Survived cancer
Had my heart broken
Lost two grandparents
Lost six friends to cancer
Been in two choirs
Moved 7 times across 3 states
Lived with 5 different people
And survived NJ Transit

I’ve worked a lot of jobs
Second-hand bookshop and farm volunteer
Babysitter
Receptionist atop fancy glass towers
Broadway usher
Teacher
Vocal coach
Writer
Actor
Fake patient
Stage manager
Director
Podcast editor, and an
Operations/staff assistant

I’ve done the Artist’s Way twice and
Built Filmed Live Musicals
Written and performed a cabaret
Written a book chapter 
Spent hours in the archives at the New York Public Library for the Performing Arts 
Performed in Colorado, New Jersey, and New York
In plays, musicals, and immersive shows
Seen a show in every Broadway house
Taken class at Broadway Dance Center
Played flute and ukulele and piano

I’ve run, quite a bit
All around Fort Collins
Brooklyn, West New York,
Astoria, and Harlem
6 marathons
4 half marathons
And a handful of races

I’ve traveled to Acadia State Park and Atlanta
Salem and Boston and Washington DC
Traipsed around Connecticut
Honeymooned in the British Virgin Islands
Did a road trip from FoCo to New York
I’ve been back to Australia three times
And London once

I’ve frequented farmers markets
And made my own yogurt
Grown arugula and spinach and basil and chives
Strawberries and raspberries

I helped raise a sweet and ridiculous floof of a puppy
Learned Spanish and Danish
Learned to bake cheesecake
Learned to manage my depression

I grew my hair out again
Started eating meat again
Started morning pages again
Got my first tattoo
Tried contact lenses and
Finally got my drivers license

I’ve had my heart ripped out of my chest
I’ve been held and taken care of and spoilt rotten
I’ve met, and become friends with, some of the most extraordinary and beautiful people
From FoCo, Brooklyn, Carteret, Astoria, and Harlem
MSK, front of house, MasterVoices, SP land, and, of course
Buck’s Rock

And today, on the anniversary of my moving here
I performed a two show day
With a group of people whom I utterly adore
With a lead actor whose cast albums I have listened to on repeat
In a rarely performed musical by a composer whose work inspired my life path
With friends in the audience

And tomorrow I’ll direct a musical with a cast of sweet and precocious kidlets
And the next day I’ll start rehearsals for a new project with MasterVoices
And I think
It’s taken twelve years, but I’m finally doing the thing I came here to do
It just took a little cancer, divorce, gestures-at-the-world-in-2025 detour to get here

I think about what I want from the next chapter
To live on my own
To travel, and keep exploring my glorious city
To visit all the museums
To fill my days with music and theatre and writing
And delicious food
And time with friends
And glorious books
To keep tripping the light fantastic
And being so very thankful
That despite *everything* (again, gestures-at-the-world-in-2025)
I’m here.

​I spent the day at Buck’s Rock
Giving a tour in the rain
To new campers and their families
Trying to convey the magic
That happens in the summer
And then I made my way
All the way to BAM
The Brooklyn Academy of Music
To see Suleika Jaouad
Fellow AML survivor and
Journal writer who is
Undergoing her third round of treatment and is
Currently on the New York stop of her book tour

It wasn’t until I was sitting down in my seat
That it occurred to me
BAM was the place where I had my first job post-cancer
I didn’t work there for long
I had gone back to work too soon
I didn’t have the stamina to make it through a shift
But I was desperate to get back to normal
I had to ask for permission to sit down during the show
Another usher saw me and scolded,
“We’re not allowed to sit.”
I wanted to say
“I just had cancer.
I had a transplant.
I can’t stand for long periods.”
Instead I pretended I hadn’t heard her and
Fought back tears.

And now I’m nearly 11 years out.
How did I get so lucky to be here?
When Ruth is gone?
When Miguel is gone?
When Katy is gone?
When Miren is gone?
When Suleika has relapsed twice and is likely to be in treatment for the rest of her life?
Watching her standing up on that stage
Looking absolutely radiant in a bright and colorful dress with a thin gold belt
Her pixie hair sleek against her head
Reading her extraordinary words about fear of mice and cancer and treatment
While her husband, Jon Batiste
Played on the piano behind her
The love between them
The way they seem so grounded
So in touch
So in love

It broke my heart a little
The longing for a creative, spiritual, loving partner
Someone
To traipse across this mortal coil with
The heartbreak of tasting it
And having it taken away
Because I’m not enough?
Because it’s not the right time?
Because of so many factors out of my control
The fear of relapse
The fear of being ok
The fear of having what you want
The fear that you will never fulfill your dreams
Reach your potential
Do the thing you came here to do because
Illness
Pandemic
Politics
Global warming

And it wasn’t until I was on the train home
That I realized that I’d spent the day at camp
(The place where I was diagnosed)
And not once thought about getting sick
I was too busy being excited about the summer to come
Thinking about my to do list
Chatting with the new campers

The day was full of synchronicity
Old camp friends messaging out of the blue as I arrived at camp
Being at camp on the day of Suleika’s New York book tour
The New York stop being at BAM
On a rainy day  
​At the end of April 
Something magical 
Alchemy
From the French, Latin, Greek, and Arabic 
"The pursuit of the transmutation of baser metals into gold,
Search for the universal solvent and the panacea."

Today I am 39½-years-old 
Some of my cohort are anxious about 
The Big Four-Oh 
But I almost didn't see 30 
Every year post-cancer
Is a victory lap 
And today I ran 5km 
And got a couple of vaccine boosters
And went to work 
Hung out with some friends and
Came home and made pizza 

I'm not exactly where I hoped I'd be 
At this point 
On the Path of Life 
There is a lot of pain
In my heart
(and right now in my body, courtesy of the aforementioned vaccines) 
I didn't expect or want to be divorced 
My sweet puppy lives on the other side of the country 
My career is... frustrating 
I haven't slept properly in 2 months because of the goddamn pipes 
There are many complicated factors that are 
Making Things Hard 

But I'm thankful I get to be here at all 
When it's really hard 
And I'm crying from the hurt 
I try to return to the breathing 
The in, the pause, the out, the pause 
Repeat, repeat, repeat until... 
The absolute privilege of 
Being Here. 

Being held through your pain
And the difference it makes

Vicky left Australia when I was 10
Every time she called was an Event
It cost a fortune to call long distance back then
("In the late 1900s," as the kids now say
*eyeeee roll*!!!!)
It was always so special to hear her voice
The phone would be frantically passed around
"Hiiiii! Aunty Bicky! How are you? We miss you! We love you!" 
And now I live on the other side of the world 
And tonight my sister called me
And we chatted for 5 minutes while she walked to her car 
She filled me in on what she was buying everyone for Christmas
And the call was free
We could have chatted on video if we wanted to
And how extraordinary that in my lifetime
Computers have gone from being giant hulking blocks 
To tiny machines that fit in our pockets
That allow instant communication from New York to Sydney
And I so rarely feel homesick 
But this year Christmas is different
It's my first time without my husband 
Because he's not my husband any more 
And I miss him 
And everything has changed
And no amount of technology can bridge the gap in between 

Today was a heartbreaking day
My former love and puppy driving across the country
To a whole new life
Without me
I couldn’t look at my screen
Or concentrate on work
So I pulled an Abuela and I retreated to the kitchen to make
A batch of lentejas
A big bowl of hummus
And a carrot/beet slaw
I shared the lentejas with a friend who got covid
And on the way home from work
Hanna and I braved the cold and got Hungry Jack’s
And the greasy burger and fatty fries and soft serve with chocolate fudge
Were the balm my soul needed

​On today’s training run
Coach Bennett talked about strength
The capacity to withstand force or pressure

Tonight, I cried boarding the plane
The realization that I last left London to get married
And now I’m returning
With all that has happened in between

Driving up Buck's Rock Road
 already decided I wanted to be back next year
I’ve missed the trees and being immersed in the woods
Being back was magical and
Joyful and overwhelming
It felt like 8 weeks in one day
It felt like I’d been gone forever
It was like I’d never left
And I bought Emma’s gorgeous batik of the road
And Becca’s delightful mushroom teacup
And I sat in the summer theatre for the musical
And marveled at my kids
And laughed at the cameos
And remembered when we had done the show the last time
And when Erica and I walked back to the car in the dark and saw the stars
I remembered the falling in love
And allowed myself some tears
For the loss
For all that has transpired in between
And gave thanks
That I had been here at all.

What a treat to be invited to a surprise party
For new friends
Celebrating their 18th wedding anniversary
Meeting lovely people
Talking art and theatre and history and life
Stories of love
And second chances
And believing joy is possible

Oh what a joy to be witness
At Ella and Kate’s wedding
Just lovely seeing people who love each other
Come together to share their lives
Meeting new friends
Eating delicious food
Savoring the hot weather
(My Aussie heart loves the heat)
I miss Aaron and Voltaire
But I am here.