Remember when all you wanted to do was sing and dance and act?
And then cancer
And recovery and waiting
And still more waiting and recovery
And then you are better

And you find yourself on
Monday
Meeting a new voice teacher and feeling seen and heard
Accessing parts of your voice you thought were lost forever
You sit with Alison in a coffee shop on the upper west side
And trade ideas and write and plan and write
You sit with the altos in chorus and learn Bizet’s Carmen
The deliciousness of the score

Tuesday
Dance class, “Dance for Movers”
Being outside your comfort zone but
Remembering that you love to dance
The joy of being challenged by a teacher
Who loves to share the joy of what they do with
A stern kindness that makes you want to be better
Coffee with Nick from London
How has it been over six years?!

Wednesday
Home with your love
A trip to the library
Puzzling
Working on projects

Thursday
Back to dance class
“Young Hearts Run Free”
You’re thirteen again and
Rehearsing in the dance studio at Kuringai
Young hearts
To yourself be true…
My mind must be free
To learn all I can about me
Over twenty years later
Your muscles remembering

Lunch with the Superhero posse
Bianca and Ruth
Fellow cancer survivors
Still in the thick of it

Coffee with Danni
The loveliness of seeing your friends glow

Class with John Tartaglia
Isn't it nice when your heroes are everything you hoped they'd be and more?
Warm and funny and down to earth
The power of laughter
The joy of sharing a room with immensely talented people

Friday
Class with David Brunetti
Acting through Song
Revisiting techniques from drama school
The meticulous satisfying work of it
Teaching a voice lesson
The language of music

Saturday
Double show day at Frozen
Getting paid to watch theatre
Getting paid to watch people experience their first Broadway show
The joy of it

Just another week in New York
Doing things you’ve always done
But new again
A different body
A new sense of purpose
How lucky I am to be here. ​

In January
I did an agent showcase class
I felt seen and inspired and then
Disappointed
I taught voice, online and in person
Received coaching via skype
And worked on writing a play
I performed at Passport to Iron City
Saw Clueless and The Prom
And tried to remember to be kind to myself
I ran almost 60km (give or take with a buggy app)

In February
I got the flu
Continued performing at Iron City
Worked as a standardized patient and
Did a reading at Brooklyn College
I took classes online and
Started piano lessons with Juan
Rehearsed The Big C Cabaret
I ran even when I didn’t feel 100%
I danced to The Cat Empire with Aaron and Paul, and saw
The Ferryman, Gloria: A Life, and Merrily We Roll Along
I ran almost 44km

In March
I had anxiety
And tried to stay away from social media
I performed in Night Songs and Love Waltzes with MasterVoices
And rehearsed for Lady in the Dark and The Big C Cabaret
Passport to Iron City closed
I took a masterclass with a Broadway musical director
And more coaching
I had a three hour lunch with Ann, my high school music teacher
Ran 81km
Saw Owl Girl, My Fair Lady, and Alice by Heart

In April
I learnt to read the instructions when you’re not tired and
Not to put on a cabaret on a Sunday at 4pm
We drove to Maryland to celebrate a new baby in the family
I performed in Lady in the Dark at City Center and
Worked as a standardized patient
I sent out a newsletter
And took audition yoga
I ran the Queens Marathon and was 8 minutes off doing it in 6 hours
We went to tenant court and fumed at the broken systems
Ralph, Anna, Eric, Tara, Jason, and Tonya, helped me surprise Aaron for his birthday
I saw Kiss Me, Kate, Come from Away, Beetlejuice, and Tootsie
Joined Gilda’s Club and
Ran a little over 89km

In May
Aaron and I ran the Brooklyn Half together
My third half, Aaron’s first
I played flute in an audition for the first time
And booked the gig
I worked as a standardized patient and
Joined a musical theatre book club and sang Marta in Company
I took piano lessons and went to
The Central reunion where they spent the whole time promoting the school
I saw Oklahoma, Waitress, Frankie and Johnny, and Mairi’s show "More About the Melody: Rodgers and Co" at Birdland
I devoured Figurings by Maria Popova, Gathering Moss by Robin Wall Kimmerer, and Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez
I ran almost 60km

In June
I cried when we moved to Carteret, NJ
Felt pulled away from the city I love
We joined the fancy gym and
Discovered Primark no longer stocks good basics
I performed in Felt Left Out and my heart was happy
I struggled at work
I saw Hadestown, The Cher Show, Into the Woods Snr, What the Constitution Means to Me, Doug Varone Dancers, and Working
And Stephen Sondheim with Jason Robert Brown
We got eaten alive camping at Cheesequake State Park and
I ran close to 54km

In July
I had good auditions and no bookings
I ran just over 41km
Took songwriting and scene writing classes at Gilda’s Club
Had my face painted at the farmer’s market
We spent time with the Rabinowii and had
Dinner with friends
I spent hours booking medical appointments
I saw In the Green, What the Constitution Means to Me, and Lady Ship

In August
We traveled a lot and
Ran a little
We spent a week in North Carolina with the Goodmans
And two weeks in Oz
I booked a Christmas gig
We saw Bat Out of Hell and Muriel’s Wedding

In September
I tried to limit my use of social media
We celebrated my 35th birthday
With afternoon tea at Alice’s Teacup
And a feminist fireside chat on Simone de Beauvoir
I spent a glorious weekend in Rochester
And ran the marathon on a 30ºC/90F day
All up I ran 99km for the month
I observed a masterclass with Des McAnuff and took a
Drop-in improv class at Actors Launchpad
Made a costume for the Ren Faire and
Devoured Becoming Beauvoir by Kate Kirkpatrick, Gentleman Jack by Anne Choma, and Channel of Peace by Kevin Tuerff
Watched the livestreams of Golden Bricks and Ruby Shoes and Fleabag
I felt exhausted and not good enough

In October
I started rehearsals for The Polar Express
I felt challenged and at home
I tried to stay off social media and failed
Felt stuck financially
Felt not good enough
Started work on a documentary script with friends
We went to the Ren Faire as a fairy and an imp
I went to the St James Halloween party dressed as Olaf taken over by the spirit of Electra
Spent time with friends
Felt drained and emotional from putting together a timeline for The Patient Story
Meditated
Saw Bella Bella with Harvey Fierstein and
Ran almost 30km

In November
I ran my 5th marathon
On the 5th anniversary of my stem cell transplant
I learnt you should always take your water bottle and iPad to set and that
Marathon training is excellent training for 5-show days
I had to have dental fillings for the first time
The debilitating effects of chemo on my teeth
I sang in Let ‘Em Eat Cake at Carnegie Hall and saw
Slave Play, Lightning Thief, and Half Life of Marie Curie
The Barbra exhibit with Ella
I read Walt Whitman and Virginia Woolf
Stayed in Manhattan with David and Katherine for an easier commute
Sat with depression and
Made pasta from scratch

In December
We watched the live capture of SpongeBob: The Musical
I sang and danced on The Polar Express
And never wanted it to end
We drove to Richmond
To ring out the year with Jesse and Brenda

In between
I spent hours and hours finding new doctors for follow-up care
And dealing with NJ Transit and 
Sitting in the lobbies of Manhattan hotels
Reading, writing, scrolling, and waiting for my bus
I had coffees with friends at Bird & Branch on West 45th
I ushered at the St James and
Sang with MasterVoices
At home we cooked curries and noodles and pulled pork and roasts
We walked to the water
We watched Big Mouth and Bojack, Jane and Schitt’s Creek, Fleabag, Succession, The Crown, The Wire, The Politician and Pose, Last Week Tonight, Years and Years, and Gentleman Jack
We ranted at unfair broken systems
Housing and medical and political and financial
I skyped with loved ones in Sydney and London
I wrote morning pages almost every day
And meditated and gave thanks
Some days I played piano
And a little flute

There were moments of lovely
Performing professionally
Travel
Seeing shows
Spending time with my love
And many moments of frustration
The struggle of being an actor in NYC
Wanting to do it full-time
Wanting to be seen, to be heard
Wishing the world were kinder and calmer

​So much of the year
Has felt like
Climbing uphill
Are we at the summit yet?
How do we get there
From here?

I didn’t grow up with the book or the movie
My friend Bryan had done it last year
I saw the open call and thought it would be fun
A lovely audition, a friendly room
I was so excited to be cast

Rehearsals
Full-time for a week
Singing and dancing
And learning a show
That happened in 6 different train cars
At the same time
“Broadway on a train!”
The joy of director Scott Calcagno

Tech and dress
Theatre on a moving train
Chugging through suburban New Jersey
Arriving at “The North Pole”
With its giant sleigh, reindeer and
Arctic cold weather

Sharing a carriage with
Alice and Jake
The sweetest cart-ners in the world
Embossing tickets
Making it snow
Singing “We Need a Little Christmas”
Especially poignant on the day of Jerry Herman’s death
Becoming a chef and dancing in the aisle
With trays of hot chocolate

Families wearing matching pajamas
Decorated with candy canes and snowmen and Christmas trees
Light up hats and 
Gorgeous ugly sweaters 
Parents and children
Aunts and uncles
Grandmas and grandpas
Siblings and cousins
The surly teenagers who always melted into the magic

Walking through the train to 
Switch sides
Seeing the other cast members work their magic
All of them lovely and talented and funny 

The production car
Where all the theatre magic happens
Joel or Becki at the stage manager console
Alex on lights
Mary or Olivia on sound
Lauren or Emily on costumes
Abigale on props
Meri the production manager
Nick and Nickie in Front of House
Engineers Chuck and Matt
The EMTs
The other elves, Maria and Anna and Anna
David and Jim
Swing nation: Bryan and Steph
Always ready and willing 
The racks of costumes for 72 people
Swaying perilously as we crossed the threshold
To the North Pole

Becoming an elf
Anna running with the bells
“Attention please, attention Polar Express passengers!
Someone very special is here to meet you!”
Lights brighten, music swells
The arrival of Santa!
The utter delight on people’s faces
Especially the older folks
Transforming into 5-year-olds before my eyes
Seeing is believing

Traveling through each car
“Are you a real elf?”
The child who sobbed after Santa gave them a bell
(“Right off Santa’s sleigh!”)
“It’s just so magical!”
The guy who asked me if Santa could pay off his mortgage this year
The babies who smiled
The babies who shied away
The kids who asked if I knew their Elf on the Shelf
The kids who brought their Elf on the Shelf in mason jars
Telling passengers that the safest place for their cookies
Was in their bellies
Surprise hugs from little ones
The sugar high from hot chocolate and cookies
The excitement from meeting Santa

A few days at the North Pole
Allie and Jenna making sure we got there in plenty of time
Dancing in the freezing cold
(My group got lucky
We never had to dance in the rain)

The relative ease of three show days
The long marathons of five show days
Eating sandwiches and burritos and cookies and chips
Snacking in between shows to maintain energy
Staying cool, keeping warm
Hanging out with some of the loveliest people

Being a part of something uplifting
A magic carpet on a rail
That never takes a rest
A joyful, magical time
​
The true spirit of Christmas lies in your heart
For all who truly believe.

In previous years
The lead up to the anniversary of my transplant
Has been emotional
And hard
I have felt robbed
Taken away from myself
Frustrated that I have this anniversary at all
This year
I’m too busy to be thinking about
Stupid Cancer

On the morning of the 5th anniversary of
Having my sister’s T-depleted stem cells
Injected into my port
I’m rushing to the Jacob Javits Convention Center
To pick up my race bib
Number 65800
(How fast do I have to be before I can get 24601?!)
Collect my t-shirt
Over to the Fred’s Team table
Friendly faces

Up to rehearsal at Ripley Grier
Spend the morning singing
Dancing
Running lines
In the afternoon the director starts rehearsal with a question
Who has a New York story?
I have a New York story
Five years ago today
Halloween. Hospital.
Stem cell transplant
Life/death
Here we are

On Friday
It is an honor and a thrill
To walk in the NYC Marathon Opening Ceremony
As a part of Team MovedMe
26 inspiring runners representing 53,000+, including
Yvette, who had been told as a child she would never walk again after being hit by car who is now a retired 26-year army vet running her 18th marathon,
Natasha, completing the Abbott World Marathon Major Six-Star in memory of her sister
Issac, a trans person representing Front Runners New York, and
A leukemia survivor running her 5th marathon on the 5th anniversary of her stem cell transplant
Walking over the Finish Line
Keep the emotions under control
Save it for Sunday

Saturday night
Italian for dinner
Hot date with my love
Traipsing the streets of NYC
To get new iron-on letters for my shirt
Thank goodness for daylight savings

Race day
Up at 4am
A&D cream to prevent chafing
Under arms, under boobs, inner thighs
Soles of feet and between the toes
Sunscreen
Sports bra, shirt, leggings, socks, shoes
Belt with dates, gels, phone charger, earphones, ID, and a bank card just in case

Meet the Team MovedMe bus at 51st between 6th and 7th
Everyone is shivering in the cold
Wishing for coffee
We board the bus
Head down through midtown
Past Times Square where Fred’s Team is gathered
I wish I could be in two places at once
I sleep

We arrive at Fort Wadsworth, Staten Island
The police are lovely
A security guard yells in my face
Your bib needs to be on! Stop! Don’t move!
But almost no one has them on yet
We’re saving them from being crinkled
I try not to be rude to her
She’s been up since god knows when
She’s just doing her job
She’s going to have a long day
Samantha from New York Road Runners leads us to the
Broadcast and Media Tent
Heated, and stocked with bagels and pastries and fresh fruit

The sun rises behind the Verrazano Bridge
Revealing a pale blue sky
The mercury promises not to climb too much
Perfect conditions for a nice long run

Our bags are collected
We hear the canon
The professionals are off
They’ll be almost done before we’ve even started
We are led to the corral
Extra layers are stripped off
Tossed in the giant blue bins to be taken to charity stores around the city
Christy Altomere sings the national anthem
Normally I get teary
But I’m too nervous/excited/emotional about running to get emotional about the anthem

We are called to the start line
Inch forward
On your marks
The canon fires
Frank Sinatra croons
It’s up to you
New York, New York!
We’re off

I’ve only ever run on the lower level of the bridge
Wave 1 runs on top
I thought I’d be afraid of the height
I don’t even register it
The views are stunning
The dark blue of the Lower and Upper bays
Against the pale blue of the sky
Manhattan to the left
Brooklyn to the right
Wave to Lady Liberty
Helicopters hover right next to the bridge
The pace of the runners is astonishing
I move to the side
To let myself go slow

Welcome to Brooklyn
Immediately off the bridge
The cheering begins
The crowds are insane
Several people deep
Holding homemade signs
“You’re running better than our government!”
“You’re running faster than the MTA!”
“Kick some assphalt”
“Only 26 miles til beer”
“Tap here for a power up” with Mario Cart stars and mushrooms
“Punch here for a power up” with Trump’s face dead center
And my personal favorite
“If you want to restore your faith in humanity
Go watch a marathon”

Here are 53,000 runners
Young and old, and tall and short
People with hearing or vision impairments
Prosthetic limbs and wheelchairs
Survivors and servicefolk
Writers and waiters and workers and all manner of
Human beings
From all across the globe
Out running a Very Long Distance
Because they can
And hundreds and hundreds of thousands of their friends and loved ones
And perfect strangers
Are lining the streets
Cheering them on
And another 12,000 more have given up their Sunday to
Hand out water and gatorade and bananas
And the coming together of it all --

If you’re reading this you likely have a physical body
And sometimes
That body is creaky and tired and you may feel
Your very blood cells have betrayed you
And yet, here you are
Isn’t that an astonishing thing?!

We run down Fourth Ave
Through the flavors of Brooklyn
Russian, Polish, Chinese, Hispanic
You know you’ve hit Park Slope when the puppies appear
Mile 8, past BAM
(Remember when I worked there?
Too soon after treatment
I wasn’t ready
I was itching to work)

Turn right onto Lafayette
I hear a familiar voice
“LU!”
It’s Adam from London from Australia
I give him a hug
Familiar faces are a boost
Keep running

The Emmanuel Baptist Church
On Lafayette and St James
Is holding its service outside
The steps are packed with people
The preacher is singing
The gospel choir is singing
My heart is singing

It becomes quieter in the Hasidic neighborhoods
The men seem to ignore the runners
The little girls in their uniform dresses cheer from the sidewalk
Or from windows above the street
The parties are raucous in Williamsburg
I hear someone yelling “LU!”
It’s Adrienne from camp
I give her a hug
Keep running

Aaron said he’ll be at mile 13
I take out my phone to message him
My phone is dead
I stop to pee
I don’t see Aaron
Keep running

Over the Pulaski Bridge
Into Queens and
Before you know it you’re at the Queensboro Bridge
The red and white stacks of Big Allis
Forever in mind intertwined with Sloan
Transplant. Recovery. Anniversary. Five.
We round the corner onto 59th
Welcome to New York City!
Turn left onto First Ave
The crowds
The cheering
In my head
Five years, five years, five years

Mile 17
Past the hospital
I make heart signs at the nurses in scrubs
I say thank you in my head to Dr Stein and Dr P and Kim
And every single nurse and porter and attendant
And to every power there is
That I don’t have to be there anymore

Somewhere on the upper east side
I see Rickey from chorus
Give her a hug
Oh the precious souls we meet

Coming to mile 20
I know I’m going to see Aaron and
The Rabinowii Tribe
David joins me
A needed boost
I’m beginning to hurt
The front of my ankles
My hips
My heart, I know I’m not going to make it in less than 6 hours and
I’m disappointed
David talks me off the ledge
He tells me to go slow
Encourages me to get pain killers at the Medical Tent
Drink water and eat a gel
Remember
You just ran a marathon 6 weeks ago
You had rehearsal all week
This is your third marathon this year
It’s ok to walk
You’re doing the thing

Into the park
It smells of fallen leaves and a warm fire
The Rabinowii’s appear again at Mile 24
David steps away

The last two miles feel like forever
The crowds are incredible
No one is laughing at me for walking
No one is telling me I’m slow
Or pathetic
They’re cheering
“You can do this Luisa!”
“You’re so close”
“Go Fred’s Team!”

Briefly out of the park on 59th and 5th
The sight of Columbus Circle lifts me
I know the end is close

Back into the park
The music from the finish line
I can hear the announcer calling out names
The crowds are cheering at full volume
I run
Step over the line
Marathon number five is done. ​

Fly up to Rochester
Feels incongruous the day after hundreds of thousands of people
March to save the world from climate change
Business as usual on the airlines
Plastic water bottles
Disposable single-use everything

Greeted by Bonnie at the airport
A new friend and immediate kindred spirit
We spend a delightful afternoon
With husband Kurt, and puppers ROz and Teddy
On a boat
Floating around Lake Honeoye
Dipping our feet in the chilly water
I envision abandoning everything to become a writer
Residing on the smallest of the Finger Lakes
In a little cabin
Making friends with the ducks and egrets
And learning to paddle board
Easy to have those visions
On the eve of a summery autumnal equinox
And not in the middle of a north-east frigid arctic winter

An enormous salad and grilled chicken for dinner
Downing gatorade. It’s going to be hot tomorrow.
Lay out the running gear
Place gels and dates in the pouch
Charge my phone
Charge the spare charger
Sleep and recharge myself

Wake up in the dark
A&D cream all over my feet
Under my sports bra
Under my arms
Don my uniform
Tie my laces
Bonnie and I head out as the sky is beginning to light
We drive to the finish line at Frontier Field
The parking lot is full of runners
School buses are lined up to take everyone down the road to the
Start line in Maplewood Park
We board with the other runners and a few supporters

A golden ball of a sun appears through the trees
Illuminating a sea of humanity
Over a thousand runners
Stretched out on the tennis courts
Bodies large and small, young and old
A celebration of humanity

The runners flex and chat
Nibble on apples and bananas and sachets of peanut butter
While their spouses and parents and loved ones stand by
Holding puppies and the remnants of breakfast

The announcer calls the runners to the start line
A benediction is given
While I’m in the port-a-loo
Thank you for the day, thank you for the runners, thank you for the volunteers
The national anthem is sung
It always makes me emotional

Last call to the start line
Bonnie waves,
I call out
“See you in six hours!”
A horn blares and we’re off
The Rochester Marathon 2019

Through the green and leafy park where
The air is cool and fresh
Out into an industrial looking area
(I later learn it is a Business Park)
One mile down,
Twenty-five point two to go.

Turn right onto Lake Avenue, a
Pretty tree-lined street
Running through the middle of two cemeteries
At the first water stop
I’m impressed that runners are throwing
Their cups into strategically placed bins
In New York, I’d be running on a sea of disintegrating paper

Make a right into Turning Point Park
Onto the Genesee Riverway Trail
Downhill under a canopy of trees
Someone has built cairns along the side of the path
Large and small stone towers precariously balanced

We come to the Genesee River
At the entrance to the boardwalk
A guitarist is playing
We run right over the water
And past mile four

Up the hill into suburbia
Turn right and come upon the entrance to a large bridge
The Colonel Patrick O'Rorke Memorial Bridge
It’s one of those bridges that can split in two
A marina below is filled with boats
The river is bounded by trees
A glorious sight

Over the bridge we enter
Irondeqouit
And begin a long loop back down to the start
I spend time wondering how to pronounce this place name
Iron-de-coit? Iron-de-quit? E-ron-de-quit?
The relay runners trade off
I envy the fresh runners
And try to run at my own pace
And not beat myself up for feeling slow

We come to a hill
Volunteers and onlookers at the top
You’ve got this! You made it!

All along St Paul’s Avenue
Families line the side of the road
They’ve set up their own water tables
Laden with snacks
Baked goods, fruit, and candy
“Take whatever you want! It’s all for you!”
One family has rented a jumping castle
Further down the road, a horn trio is set up on the grass
On one block, signs for Trump
On the next, signs for Biden and Warren
A kid tries to play saxophone while his friends
Run around him

A concrete bridge back over the river
A woman has the same hat as me
I tell her she has a nice hat
She laughs

Just before mile 10
We hear sirens
Motorbike police come down the road
“Move to the right. The leader is coming through!”
The man in first place comes sprinting past on his second lap
He is running so fast his feet seem to be touching his butt
His pace is incredible
We cheer for him

Back onto the Genesee River Trail
Through a parking lot filled with enthusiastic teens
Dressed in brightly colored outfits
Handing out water and gatorade

Back into Maplewood Park
The half-marathon runners can taste the finish
I breathe
End of the park
Back into the industrial zone
Half-way mark.
I’ve got this. I feel strong.
Marathon number four, you are mine.

Somewhere between mile 15 and 17
The sun begins to feel hot
I start to feel wiped
I begin to walk/run.
We turn right to make a loop through the Riverside Cemetery
To add an extra mile to the course
It’s quiet in the cemetery
I imagine the skeletons in their graves cheering for me
Wooohoooooo!
The occasional living volunteer with an orange flag points the way
I thank each one for staying on the course
I silently thank the volunteers unseen
Who placed yellow arrows on the ground

Genesee Riverway Trail
Trees. Cairns.
Downhill.
Run again.
The boardwalk. The river.
The guitarist is still there.
Thank you for being out here.
Thank you for playing.

I realize I’m not going to run this thing
In less than 6 hours
If I could run the rest of the way, I could do it
But the air is hot and
My legs and feet are burning
Tears sting
The goal is to finish, the goal is to finish
The goal is to finish

The Rochester Gilda’s Club volunteers
Are a welcome sight
At the end of the boardwalk
I want to run
I cannot run
I tell the volunteers what I’m doing
And that I’m a member in New York
They cheer extra loud
I try to run again

Suburbia.
The bridge.
Irondeqouit.
The hill.
The families have packed up
The saxophonist has gone inside
The horn players are still holding strong
One of them plays the call before a sergeant would yell
“Charge!”
I cannot charge. I wave.
Occasional police guard the road barricades
Volunteers.
Concrete bridge.
Maplewood Park.

The sweet teens from the
St John Fisher Rowing Team and
Harley Allendale Columbia Cross Country Club
Provide much needed water and cheering
The pink sports drink tastes like medicine  

Head to the part where on the first lap
The half-marathon runners peeled away
I must be close?!
I am in agony
My feet hurt
My legs hurt
My sides hurt
My brain hurts
I’m slow
I’m last
Where is the finish?
Two miles to go.

Through Lower Falls Park
Run back over the river
A spectacular waterfall
I wish I had time to take a photo
I wish I had energy to take a photo
We leave the trail

Just before the 25 mile mark
A torturously steep hill
Toward the top, I see a guy bent over
Puking his guts up
I’ve never seen anything quite like it
He just keeps puking torrents of clear liquid
I wave to the volunteers at the top of the hill
They think I am waving because I need encouragement
I yell out, “He needs help!”
“What?”
“He needs help!”
The volunteers leap into action
An ambulance siren can be heard behind me
I hope the man is ok

Past another waterfall
My god, Rochester is gorgeous
I wish I could appreciate it
Right now, I have a marathon to finish

Turn onto a main road
The river becomes obscured by industrial warehouses
There is no shade
Only blazing sun
The world is unforgiving concrete and warehouses and trash
Cars crawl down the road on my left
Some guy rolls down his window
“Bit warm isn’t it?”
In my head, I tell him to fuck off
How many marathons have you run today, asshole?
I keep walking and trying to run
I know I’m so close

Turn right
Less than a kilometer to go
A volunteer: They’re going to close the course in 10 minutes
Me: No. I’m going to finish. Please tell them to let me finish.
I start running again.

The sky is bright blue.
My legs are burning.
My feet are burning.
Everything hurts.
Where is the goddamn finish line?!
I see it up ahead
I shuffle run
I desperately want to finish
Bonnie spots me. She cheers.
It gives me the last bit of oomph I need
I cross the finish line and burst into tears.

My calves cramp.
My feet cramp.
I am starving.
I down gatorade and a bagel.
And ice cream.
And water.
And more gatorade.
A massage therapist helps me through the cramping.
I have awful chafing between my legs. Didn’t think to put cream there. I know for next time.

That hurt.
That was hard.
I did it.
Marathon number four.

A whirlwind of a trip
Breakfast, lunch, and dinner
With different people, in different locations
Every day for thirteen days
My vain attempt to fit everyone and everything into two weeks

Leave summer in New York
Travel for over a day
To the other side of the world
Land in Sydney winter

Brunch with Mum, Dad, and Anita
A trip to the Northern Suburbs Memorial Garden
To “visit” the grandparents
There’s something comforting in the fact that they’re all in the same place
It’s a beautiful resting place
Gum trees and bottlebrush and eucalypts
I miss them

Playing in the park with Anna and Lucas and Meg and Phoebe
Dinner with Emma and Zaza
Passing out mid-sentence

Waking up to a bright blue sky and
The glorious view of Sydney Harbour
Our airbnb, a generous gift from Mum
Fighting off jetlag by
Running up and down to
Sawmillers Reserve
Memories of housesitting and
Heartbreak
The hills leave me winded

Catching the ferry
The old green and “gold” ferries still in operation
Are they really going to be decommissioned?
The Scarborough and Borrowdale, Fred Hollows, Victor Chang, and May Gibbs
Will being on the water under the Harbour Bridge ever get old?!

Walking through Circular Quay and
The Royal Botanical Gardens
The last place I sat and journaled before I went away
The NSW Art Gallery
Remembering the Singers’ concert
December, a 30C/90F day
Three people fainted, one right after the other
Contemporary Indigenous art
Walking the Gods exhibit
The appeal of Buddhism
Martin Place
Remembering the first time I walked into the Theatre Royal
Just to see if there were any jobs going
I stayed for eight years, on and off
It led me to work in the West End
And Broadway
It’s hard to see it boarded up

Braving the chilly wind to walk around Barangaroo
The surprise of the scale of it
Reclaiming the foreshore
An astonishing achievement
At the price of another casino
Laksa with Sam in the CBD
Cake and tea with Zaza in the QVB
Sushi train with Emma in The Galleries

Breakfast with Miren
Accompanied by a flock of rainbow lorikeets
And a view to melt your heart
Walking from Bondi to Coogee
Skirting the glorious Pacific Ocean
Was it always this clear?
Remembering when I used to go running here
When I used to sit in Waverley Cemetery overlooking the ocean
When I went through a phase of meeting foreign men and going on one date and realizing I was not even a little bit interested
It’s not quite spring, but the flowers are in bloom
Fluffy yellow wattle on dark green leaves against a bright blue sky
Lunch at Tum’s, still the best pad thai in Sydney

Before cancer
Before Aaron
Before London
Before Buck’s Rock
Before Kris
There was uni
The site of my worst depression
The place of my happiest late teens and early twenties
Never leaving campus for more than week from the day I enrolled
To the day I graduated
Twelve years and a lifetime later
Meeting up with Sanger and Yaui
Drinking in the fancy new alumni bar
Crying at the place where Studio One used to be
Being devastated that Contact (my first job with a salary)
Has been replaced by Google
Back in my day, there were no smart phones
Dinner with Peter and Janiene, Alyse and Ryan, and Dad and Anita

Re-discovering Chatswood and the shopping centre
The brands are all still the same
Glassons and SportsGirl and the Australian Geographic
The fairy shop in Lemon Grove has vanished
But a Chinese restaurant downstairs is serving breakfast
We order everything on the menu
Congee, noodle soups, dumplings, pork buns, and fried dough
Accompanied by philosophical discussion with Eran
Steven, a friend from high school appears out of no where
I don’t think I’ve seen him in about seventeen years

Riding the new metro
It’s clean and fast and goes all the way to Tallawong
North Shore/Eastern Suburbs/Inner West me
Has never even heard of Tallawong
When I was little, going to Kellyville was going to the ends of the earth and it took forever
The metro gets you there in half an hour!
More memories in Epping
I squeeze Aaron’s hand extra tight

Featherdale Wildlife Park with Mum
A chance to see Aussie flora and fauna up close
The in-heat koalas stink, but they are rather gorgeous
We have a photo with Archie
And wander through the park
Kookaburras and cockatoos and lorikeets
Warblers, magpies, pipits, and owls
I’d forgotten the abundance of of birds
Kangaroos and wallabies
Echidnas, quokkas, snakes and
Eerie ghost bats devouring baby chicks
A baby echidna is called a puddle
The smallest penguins on earth are called Little Penguins
The infamous ibises (ibi?) terrorize small children and
Threaten to steal our lunch

In Katoomba
The temperature drops
The wind blows furiously
It feels like we will be blown away past The Three Sisters
Dinner with Lenny and Sarah and Luca, and Molly
Being spoilt in a fancy hotel

Breakfast overlooking the valley
A sea of trees
The thrill of the Scenic Railway, steepest in the world
Formerly providing access to the mines below
Now a tourist attraction
Descending into the beauty of the rainforest
The astonishing cliffs
The smell of earth and stone and eucalypts
Ancient tall trees and barbarous vines and pale green ferns
Lyrebirds dance beneath the boardwalk

We meet Trish at the Sydney Coliseum
Another place that Didn’t Exist Before
An incredible new cultural venue in the West
Visions of abandoning everything and coming to work for Trish again

Back in Sydney
Aaron prepares for his talk
Mum and I have our nails did
Then off to the pub and the skeptics
For Aaron to deliver his lecture on moral luck
It is inspiring and amusing to see the philosopher hold court
My worlds collide, high school, singers, uni, and camp
Mikey, Erin, Jenna, Sam, and Emma
Feeling so lucky to have crossed paths with such wonderful folk

Day six - sister day!
Meet Anita at Taronga Zoo
Ride the skyway to the top of the hill
Pop into see the Bird Show
Owls and black-crested cockatoos fly perilously close
Parading their beauty
Sydney Harbour provides the scenic backdrop
Cerulean blue sky and dark navy water
Offset by the green of the gum trees
Makes my heart catch in my throat
Wend our way down
Playful chimpanzees show off their high ropes skills and
Tumble in the grass
Crocodiles, saltwater and fresh, sit low in the water
Around the corner, line up for the Tiger Trek!
Pretend you’re on a plane
Land in “Sumatra”
A surprisingly effective reminder of
Where the tigers actually come from
The threat of extinction caused by humans
Across the way, the giraffes no longer have the best in view in Sydney
A “savannah” is being constructed
We arrive to their temporary enclosure in time for feeding
Long blue tongues lick up carrots and spinach from the innards of giant bottles
And strip leaves off branches for dessert
Giraffes have colour vision so they can see which leaves are ripe
A mob of meerkats stand as tall as they can
Right before we leave we come across
Fire pillows! Red pandas playing on a fallen log

Drive across to Balmain
A quick tour through Phoebe’s school
Up to Darling Street for
Decadent pastries and tea
Meet Meg
Lavish Turkish grill for dinner

Up early for the Eveleigh Farmers Market
Aaron is ready to move to Sydney for the food alone
I want a croque madame and instead
We stumble upon Vietnamese pho and decide
Breakfast pho is imperative
Meet Anita at King’s Cross
Over to the inner west to catch
Phoebe’s netball game
It’s hot on the court in full sun
Flashbacks to PSSA netball
A lifetime ago
The day gets away
We don’t make it to Sanger’s game day and I feel awful

Dinner with Mum’s side of the family at Delicado
Paella and croquettes, chorizo and ensaladas
At the last minute we decide to go down to Luna Park
Sydney Harbour by night
Sparkling lights, cool air
Walk off the rich food

In the morning, out to Marrickville
Picnic brunch
A meeting of dear friends, old and new
Kane, Ste, Theresa, Danielle, David, Sarah, Erin, Courtney, Keyna, Tully, Lyra, and Sol
Hannah and Lesley, and the skeptics from the pub
Delicious dips and cinnamon doughnuts
We could chat for hours
Taxi home to McMahon’s Point
The strange coincidence of one of the new friends living in the exact same building

In the afternoon
Over to Aunty Lou’s to see Dad’s side of the family
The little cousins not so little any more
The afternoon slips away
And we’re ready to go home and fall into bed

First meal of the day at Rising Sun Workshop
Breakfast ramen and miso tomato soup
Grilled cheese with bacon
The beautiful Heldon crew, Lori, Kristen, Naomi, Carolyn, and Lily
Wandering through Newtown and wishing we had more time

Jump on the train
Traveling down the North Shore Line
St Leonard’s, Artarmon, Chatswood, Roseville, Lindfield, Killara, Gordon, Turramurra
(All stations to Berowra)
Like traveling back in my own time capsule
My first love
My first kiss
My first engagement
Singing on the train (thank god I was a teenager before smart phones and social media)
Taking the meditation course and being unable to say my own name out loud from grief on day one to announcing on the last day that I was moving to London
Even with the astonishing development all along the Pacific Highway
It feels quaint after the freeways of New Jersey
The train station signs used to be blue
Now they’re all orange

Meet Mum at Turramurra
Drive down Bobbin Head Road
The Sphinx
Carved by a war vet who lived up the road
A quick walk down a bush trail
Kuringai Chase National Park
The literal backyard of my childhood
The air-blackened sandstone
The sandy soil
The spiky grass trees with their scorched trunks
The scribbly gums and eucalyptus still charred from the fires that raged over twenty years ago
The morning’s rain makes the air smell quintessentially
Australian Bush
I breathe it in deeply

Meet Miss Boyle at Kuringai
Twenty years since I went to school there
Memories of people and a life past
The Bini, dome-shaped school hall
Where it all started
My first solo
My first lead in a musical
The place where I performed my first devised pieces
The bush behind the school where I ran cross-country
After school drama club in the dance studio
Creative arts camp
Outside the classroom where the science teacher set off mini mushroom clouds
The library, now named for Catherine Jinx
But stripped of its books to make way for
Open Learning Spaces
Thankful thankful thankful for the time I had there

Drive over to Mount Colah
Clairie is a Mama, sweet little boys and a growing garden
Further up to Brooklyn, Sydney
By the time we get there it’s dark
Dinner at the Workers’ club with Helen, Sofia, and Luisito
Family and musical theatre

Catching the bus over to Lane Cove
Check out Dad’s new digs
Breakfast at the shops
Over to Circular Quay
We decide to wander the gardens again
The muscular Moreton Bay Figs seem enormous
The sails of the Opera House
The Museum of Contemporary Art and the whirling dervish

Back on the train and up to Roseville
Coffee with Aunty Lou and Benny
Over to Killara to see Amanda and newborn Mieke
Dinner with Sarah and Dave and little Annabelle
Walking around the Harbour on a warm evening

Breakfast with Dad at City Extra
Avocado and toast instead of chicken and chips
Meet Fred outside St Andrew’s Cathedral
Wandering around Darling Harbour
Being constantly amazed at construction and development
Over to Star City (now called The Star)
Matinee of Muriel’s Wedding: The Musical
A joy to see Victoria and Kaeng and Tom doing what they do best
Wandering around the bookstore
Dumplings with Emma and Carol in Ashfield

The second-last day is
The first full day of rain
Breakfast with soon-to-be-mama Yvette in Redfern
Meet Susan in Circular Quay
The rain will not cease
And the Manly-Spit Walk is off the cards
Find refuge in tea at the MCA
Over to Chinatown for lunch where
The noodle bowls are hot and spicy
Down to the Chinese Gardens, maybe the rain will stop
The gardens are beautiful
The weather is freezing and wet

We meet Zara and Courtney for a drink in a hidden cozy bar
Head over to Meg and Phoebe’s
Roast for dinner
Missing being able to hang out with my sisters on a regular basis

The final day
The rain has not abated
Emma meets us
Leftover-clean-out-the-fridge breakfast of champions
Catch the ferry to the aquarium
Merlin have bought the attraction
Now you take a ride to see the penguins
The shark tunnel is still thrilling
The giant stingrays
The beauty of the tropical tanks
I’m thankful I got to see the Great Barrier Reef when it was still alive
I was only small, but I still remember the colours

Back on the ferry to McMahon’s Point
Load up the car, last sweep of the flat
Lunch at Piato’s with Mum and Howard
Pick-up Anita from work
Over to the airport
Check-in via computer, no human interaction any more
Family pictures before we go through
It’s tradition

How lucky I was to grow up in Sydney
City of beach and bush
Sandstone and trees
The strangeness and loveliness of being in
The land of childhood and memory
With my husband by my side
Thankful to my parents who made it all possible 
Thankful to everyone who gave us time
Sorry to have missed so many 
Say farewell, for now.

Today is my 5th cancerversary.

Five years ago I went to the E.R. with what I thought was the flu, and infected bug bites, one on each leg. My blood work quickly showed that my white cell counts were astronomically high. The doctor told me I would start to hear the word “cancer.” I told him he had the wrong patient. I was an organic eating vegetarian who exercised regularly, never smoked, rarely drank, and meditated. I didn’t have cancer.

I had cancer. Acute myeloid leukemia, a rare blood cancer that more is more likely to affect men in their sixties and has a survival rate beyond 5 years of around 25-30%. I was told that if I didn’t undergo immediate treatment, I’d be dead in a month.

We still don’t know what causes acute myeloid leukemia. Risk factors include: high doses of radiation or benzene. Nope. Smoking. Nope. Previous radiation or chemotherapy. Nope. (Well, now, yup. See below for Fear of Relapse). Family history. Nope.

Over a dozen bone marrow biopsies (how did I manage to forget the actual number?!), 11 doses of full body radiation, 3 rounds of chemo, and 1 stem cell transplant with cells donated by my sister, Anita, later, I was declared in remission.

The recovery was hell. I had nausea.  Fatigue. Depression. Anxiety. Mood swings. Weight swings. Chemo brain. My fingernails fell off one by one. I went into early onset menopause. My thyroid stopped working. I had osteopenia. I was immune suppressed and not allowed to eat takeout, ride the subway, or go to the theatre. I lost all my hair, including my eyelashes. Actually, I loved being bald. Cancer perk: I discovered I rock a shaved head.

I got to attend my own funeral. I got to feel the outpouring of love and support when we told everyone I was sick.

I was told it would take 3-5 years to recover. They were not wrong. It was tough and felt like it would last forever. With the support of my amazing husband, Aaron, and our tribe of generous wonderful folk, we got through it. Pro-tip, if you have to go through a terrifying health crisis shortly after getting married, make sure you have married a Zen Boy Scout.

Five years later, I’m healthy and strong. I run marathons dammit!

The mental game is the hardest. I’m terrified of relapse. Every headache, every time I’m over-tired, every bruise, every cut that takes a little longer to heal must be Cancer. Every medical appointment is stressful and anxiety-inducing. Most medical professionals I’ve encountered outside of Memorial Sloan Kettering don’t understand how to treat a Young Adult Survivor of Leukemia. They don’t understand that a 30-something woman can be in menopause. I’m impatient. I want everything done/learnt/achieved yesterday.

I’m rushing to catch up on lost time. To make the most of time in case it’s limited. I’ve seen 141 shows since I was allowed back into a theatre. I’ve run three marathons and three half-marathons. I’ve written and performed a one-woman show about my experience, The Big C Cabaret.

The chances of relapse decrease significantly after 5 years. Have I really reached that magic number? After losing the genetic lottery that gave me blood cancer in the first place, have I won the Cancer Survival lottery? Knock on wood. Turn around three times. Throw salt in the air.

The places on my legs where the infected bug bites were have turned into beautiful mandala shaped scars. When I’m wearing shorts, people see them and ask, “what are those marks on your legs?” They are my story.

In September my legs and I are going to run our 4th marathon.

In November, on the 5th anniversary of my stem cell transplant, I’ll run my 5th marathon. I’m running with Fred’s Team and raising vital funds for leukemia research at Memorial Sloan Kettering. It’s my way of saying thank you to the amazing doctors and researchers that saved my life.

Five years ago, I was dying.

Today, I am here. I am here. I am here! ​

There are trillions upon trillions of
Stars in our universe,
Give or take, and
Millions upon millions of
Published books. 
I used to wonder
How has the world has not fallen off its axis
With the weight of all the books
We have written? 
How do we choose
Between the great volumes
Of words and pages and titles and texts
Which ones to read?
Choice, luck, happenstance?

One day at
Thirteen
My voracious bookworm self
Desired to read a good chunky book
I browsed the shelves
Of my school library
And came across
Sophie’s World
By Jostein Gaarder
A crash course in the history of
Western Philosophy
I remember walking the perimeter of the playground
Where we went camping
While reading it
It led to The Solitaire Mystery and Maya
A new way of seeing the world
Is it a coincidence that I would one day
Marry a philosopher?

One day when
I was seventeen or eighteen
Thumbing through the Sydney Morning Herald
A section called
“Can You Judge A Book (By Its First Page)”
(Or something of the like)
The first page of a book
Followed by a review
“Wooooooo-
hoooooo what a fall what a soar what a plummet what a dash into dark into light what a plunge what a glide thud crash what a drop what a rush what a swoop what a fright what a mad hushed skirl what a smash mush mash-up broke and gashed what a heart in my mouth what an end.”
Ali Smith’s Hotel World
I would sporadically check the shelves in Dymocks
Fiction: Smi-
To see what else she had written
It made me want to write
My first published story was an imitation of its style
It led me to The Accidental and Like, and
Seventeen years later
Ali Smith is still writing and publishing and
I’m still reading every word

I don’t recall when I first came across Brain Pickings
Written/curated/nurtured
By the extraordinary Maria Popova
I think I was still in Sydney?
Or perhaps it was London?
The perils of the internet
Memory is different now
But at thirty-four
I read an excerpt of Popova’s Figuring
And knew it was another sparkling luminescence
I borrowed it from the library
And quickly realized I needed my own copy
It’s a brick of a book
I’ve lugged it around Manhattan and Brooklyn and Jersey
And even took it into the woods
The inter-weaving of science and art and literature and poetry
The stories of extraordinary women
Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Margaret Fuller, Maria Mitchell, George Sand, Rachel Carson
The role of the artist/scientist/author 
To connect the dots
To illuminate
To shine 
To help us figure out who we are. 

In Middlesex County, New Jersey
About thirty minutes from Elizabeth and
An hour from Manhattan
There is a park
Cheesequake
A strange word in English
Derived (stolen) from the Lenape words
Cheseh-oh-ke or Chichequaas or Chiskhakink
“Upland” or “land that has been cleared”

The land is now bordered
By freeways
And sliced through the middle
By the Garden State Parkway
Typical New Jersey
The intertwining of
Nature and industry

The park itself is beautiful
A “transitional zone of ecosystems”
Field and forest
Swamp and marsh
Pine barrens and lake

We hiked the trails
Blue and white
Breathing in the cool of the trees
The woodlands degrees cooler with
Thick rich green velvet mosses
Carpeting the bases of tree trunks
And covering the rocks
Fungis of different sizes and shapes 
Lettuce-like hen of the woods, chip-like artist's conks
Parasitic ghost plants and tiny tawny grisettes 
We tried to find the butterfly garden
But the weeds have obscured the path
The mountain bikers have overtaken that particular trail and
The garden is in disrepair

We came across a fallen tree, a giant now resting on its side
Its roots so thick it bought up the earth
We later learned it was a victim of Hurricane Sandy
Grasses are now growing on the wall of roots and earth
The resilience of nature

We sat by Perrine Pond
And watched an egret
Stalk her lunch in the water
We had our own lunch by the lake
And swam with tiny fishies
The water filled with pockets of warm and cold

Aaron cooked pork chops on the cast iron skillet above the coals
I added corn on the cob slathered in butter, sprinkled with salt
Is there anything more “American summer” than corn and an open fire?

The sun slipped away through the trees
The magical golden light of
Sunset in the woods
The extraordinary fireflies
Flitting and flirting
Bioluminescent bums in the darkening
Is it any wonder our ancestors believed in fairies?

In the night I had anxiety
It’s only a thin mesh tent between me and the
Bears or Human Predators Out There
Every crackle in the undergrowth
Surely a step closer to my demise
The bears did not eat me
But the mosquitos and gnats feasted
The proximity of the freeway meant we heard cars all through the night

I love waking up in the forest
The smell of earth
The remnants of last night’s fire
The coolness of the trees
I sat on a fallen trunk
And meditated on the moss

When we got home
The refrigerator, stove, and AC
Seemed like a miracle

I sometimes feel like I have a split personality
There’s Show Girl Me
She wants to see all the shows
Be in all the shows and
Live on Broadway forever and ever amen
And then there’s Forest Faery Me
Who wants to abandon society
And live off-grid
And commune with the trees
And the soil and
Know all the plants and flowers and creatures by name

I miss the woods
I miss the trees. ​