I'll tell you what I want (what I really, really, want)
I want to learn classical piano
I want to be able to play all the instruments
I want to know all of music theory
I want to know all the music
I want to be able to hear music as I read it
I want to learn all the songs
I want to do tap and ballet and dance freely to live music
I want to run away to the woods and build my own cob cottage and grow my own vegetables
I want to write a novel
I want to write a screenplay
I want to watch all the movie musicals
I want to watch all the filmed live musicals
I want to see every show being staged in New York
I want to be in a Broadway show
I want to write my own Broadway show
I want to live in London again
I want to live in northern Spain and run an albergue and greet peregrinos with cups of tea
I want to live in the mountains
I want to never have to leave New York ever again 
I want to live in Denmark and truly understand hygge
I want to be fluent in Spanish, French, and Danish
I want to make art
I want to make theatre
I want to host salons à la the Marquise du Deffand and Gertrude Stein
I want to run my own theatre company 
I want to host a podcast about artists with illness 
I want to host delightful tea parties and picnics in the park 
I want to hike through all the forests
I want to share amazing meals with wonderful people
I want to run
I want to learn to draw and paint and be good at visual arts
I want to sit for hours on end in meditation
I want world peace
I want people to just be nice to each other
I want everyone to be able to live their best lives and reach their full potential
I want everyone to be happy
I want people to be accountable 
I want justice 
I want every child to go to school without fear of being ridiculed or teased or shot 
I want every person to be able to love who they want to love
I want every person to have a home 
I want to stop seeing trash everywhere
I want more cycle paths and pedestrianized streets 
I want to not be afraid of swimming in the ocean
I want to do astronomy
I want to be able to name the stars
I want to be a practical person
I want to be a creative person
I want to eat healthily
I want to indulge
I want more time
I want to not be afraid
I want to be the kind of person who is good at make-up and being fashionable
I want to be the kind of person who doesn’t care about make-up and being fashionable
I want to be really good at interior design
I want an amazing collection of records and a vintage record player 
I want to be free of my worldly possessions 
I want to be recognized for my skills
I want to not be terrified when I'm complimented 
I want to be a good partner
I want to be a good person
I want to leave a legacy
I want to know all the things
I want to be all the things
I want it all, and I want it now
Actually, I want it yesterday
Yes please and thank you very much. ​

A friend recently visited form the land of Oz
“Why do you want to live here?!” he asked.
On paper, it is rather hard to comprehend.
The lack of affordable healthcare
The proliferation of guns
The insane inane infuriating never-ending red tape of bureaucracy to achieve the simplest tasks
A government that seems hell bent on destroying its own people
It is an empire in decline

And that’s all before we throw in the notion of Becoming a Professional Actor in New York City When You Are Not Wealthy and Moved Here From a Whole Other Country and Did I Mention You Had Cancer and Dealing with The Starting All Over Again at 33 Despite The Fact You Have a Masters in Theatre My God This Is Hard

And yet, and yet…
How I love to be in the greatest city in the world
In class, a casting director said her job is
“The highest of highs
The lowest of lows”

Until it is my job to be in a Broadway show
It is my job to watch Broadway shows
(Technically it is my job to watch audiences watching Broadway shows
But I’ve gotten rather good at having my eyes in two places at once
Yes we can see your goddamn cellphone
Turn. It. Off.)
Sondheim was in the other day
The actual living breathing legendary genius was sitting on the other side of the room
I scanned the ticket of one of my musical idols
The people who created the music of my childhood walk the streets I walk
Those departed once worked in the theatres I work in
The other day I was in the orchestra of the St James and I thought
Rodgers and Hammerstein stood here and watched their music and lyrics come to life
Making peace with the fact that the shows I’m working for a raking in millions
While the staff have to work two jobs to pay their rent.

I am auditioning on a weekly basis
I got a callback for a Shakespeare
They said it would be movement based and, inspired by Meryl Tankard, it would be gestural and based in the everyday
Perfect
I got to the audition and was
Surrounded
By lithe, beautiful people.
One particularly tall and stunning human
Did full-out splits in heels as part of his warm-up
(It turned out he works professionally as a drag queen)
The first part of the audition was fun
The strange delight of walking around a room “in neutral”
Drama school exercise at its finest
The Art of Act-ing.
Then we had to learn a hiphop routine
Little Ms Whitey McWhite White with precisely minus zero seconds of hiphop training
Floundered but tried her best

When it’s good - shows! auditions! doing the thing! - it’s magical and shiny and glorious
When it’s hard - no shows! no auditions! you cannot do the thing - you wonder why anyone would want to live any where near this grimy, over-populated, subways disintegrating at the seams, rat infested, island

At night, the Empire State Building glitters and twinkles
In the streets below, the homeless make their beds on discarded boxes that once held designer handbags. ​