- Published on
It was the year of convalescence and healing
Depression and frustration
Fingernails falling off one-by-one, losing my eyelashes, nausea, fatigue, hand foot syndrome, thyroiditis, migraines, mood swings, menopause, depression, weight gain, reflux, the hemoglobin goblin, scanxiety and my hair growing back curly
I spent most of the first four months of the year curled up on the couch
Riding out the symptoms, writing, reading, watching, scrolling endlessly through facebook and twitter and instagram
Short walks to the end of the block, to the store if I was feeling really adventurous, wearing that stuffy mask and trying to be patient with strangers who asked “Why are you wearing that?”
Their fear and pitying stare when you reply,
“I’m recovering from cancer.”
By April I could walk to the park
I fell in love with spring in New York
The magnolias and the blossoms and the blue of the sky
We celebrated Aaron’s 30th with games and good food
I started learning to play the piano
I found an incredible mentor through Imerman’s Angels
I signed up for online courses in poetry and songwriting
In May I was depressed and angry
I couldn’t go to camp
I wept and wailed and railed against the unfairness of this stupid disease and its long recovery
It took a month to find a counselor who accepted our insurance and dealt with cancer
I found CancerCare and signed up for their summer young adult survivor support group
I was allowed out into the world
We had our first date in almost a year - we rode the subway to Prospect Park and ate dinner at Purple Yam
My first subway trip to the city on my own was to go to the support group
In June I finally got to go shows again
We saw Ever After at the Paper Mill Playhouse
In the second half of the year, I made up for a year of not seeing anything and saw 44 shows, including the Into the Woods Original Cast Reunion at BAM, On the Town, Spring Awakening, The King and I, and Invisible Thread. I saw the Drama League Gala for Bernadette Peters.
One of my poems was published in StepAway magazine
In July I visited camp
We had cancerversary dinner in Connecticut and marveled at the year that had been
I met Patti LuPone and thanked her for being so lovely
I stayed with my friend in Connecticut and was treated like royalty
In August I started training for the Cancer to 5km
I got a job at BAM
I had an article published on the CancerCare website
I became a member of the New York Public Library
In September I started working for a friend’s business in wedding planning
Aaron and I sailed down the Hudson at sunset
I traveled to Australia for the first time in four and a half years
I dealt with all my crap in storage. I wanted to burn everything I had ever owned (I didn’t. I gave most of it away, bought two suitcases back to New York, and threw the rest away).
I saw friends and family.
We said goodbye to my beautiful Abuela.
In October my counts started dropping. The hemoglobin goblin took up residence and didn’t leave for three months.
After training for twelve weeks, two days before the 5km, I had to drop out because my counts were too low.
I temped across offices in Manhattan: finance, office management, office supplies, health insurance, media, and even the temp agency itself.
I had an article published on the Greenroom blog of New Musical Theatre
I went trick o’ treating for the first time
I had my one year post-transplant check-up and tests
My immune system was still not functioning at normal levels
I had developed osteopenia (the pre-cursor to osteoporosis)
But the main test: still in remission
In November
My friend Zaza came to stay
I had my first proper Thanksgiving complete with family and turkey and flan
In December I battled a cold and a stomach bug
We celebrated cousin Louisa’s first birthday
And the next day, said goodbye to Jake
We ate Chinese in Park Slope on Christmas Day
Then it was time to drive down to Virginia to spend time with Aaron’s parents
And bring in the new year
Over the course of the year
I researched and posted 18 movie musicals from 1929 (with a few more in the pipeline)
I watched filmed live musicals online including Follies (awful - the quality, not the show) and Daddy Long Legs (brilliant)
I learnt Spanish, Danish, French, and Italian on duolingo
We battled armies of cockroaches and one solitary mouse
We made ice cream, yogurt, rice paper wraps, pho, mussels in a creamy white sauce, meringues from chickpea brine, and dumplings dumplings dumplings galore
Aaron started our herb garden with basil and rosemary and mint
Friends from Australia, Canada, England, and Sweden visited New York
It was a year of struggle
A year of pain and depression
A year of one moment, one day at a time
A year of monitoring and checking in and letting go of expectations of a speedy recovery
A year of wonderful friends and family and uncountable kindnesses and generosity
Into 2016 we go
With hope it will be better, easier, kinder, more gentle
May the year be happy, healthy, and well
The end (for now).
Depression and frustration
Fingernails falling off one-by-one, losing my eyelashes, nausea, fatigue, hand foot syndrome, thyroiditis, migraines, mood swings, menopause, depression, weight gain, reflux, the hemoglobin goblin, scanxiety and my hair growing back curly
I spent most of the first four months of the year curled up on the couch
Riding out the symptoms, writing, reading, watching, scrolling endlessly through facebook and twitter and instagram
Short walks to the end of the block, to the store if I was feeling really adventurous, wearing that stuffy mask and trying to be patient with strangers who asked “Why are you wearing that?”
Their fear and pitying stare when you reply,
“I’m recovering from cancer.”
By April I could walk to the park
I fell in love with spring in New York
The magnolias and the blossoms and the blue of the sky
We celebrated Aaron’s 30th with games and good food
I started learning to play the piano
I found an incredible mentor through Imerman’s Angels
I signed up for online courses in poetry and songwriting
In May I was depressed and angry
I couldn’t go to camp
I wept and wailed and railed against the unfairness of this stupid disease and its long recovery
It took a month to find a counselor who accepted our insurance and dealt with cancer
I found CancerCare and signed up for their summer young adult survivor support group
I was allowed out into the world
We had our first date in almost a year - we rode the subway to Prospect Park and ate dinner at Purple Yam
My first subway trip to the city on my own was to go to the support group
In June I finally got to go shows again
We saw Ever After at the Paper Mill Playhouse
In the second half of the year, I made up for a year of not seeing anything and saw 44 shows, including the Into the Woods Original Cast Reunion at BAM, On the Town, Spring Awakening, The King and I, and Invisible Thread. I saw the Drama League Gala for Bernadette Peters.
One of my poems was published in StepAway magazine
In July I visited camp
We had cancerversary dinner in Connecticut and marveled at the year that had been
I met Patti LuPone and thanked her for being so lovely
I stayed with my friend in Connecticut and was treated like royalty
In August I started training for the Cancer to 5km
I got a job at BAM
I had an article published on the CancerCare website
I became a member of the New York Public Library
In September I started working for a friend’s business in wedding planning
Aaron and I sailed down the Hudson at sunset
I traveled to Australia for the first time in four and a half years
I dealt with all my crap in storage. I wanted to burn everything I had ever owned (I didn’t. I gave most of it away, bought two suitcases back to New York, and threw the rest away).
I saw friends and family.
We said goodbye to my beautiful Abuela.
In October my counts started dropping. The hemoglobin goblin took up residence and didn’t leave for three months.
After training for twelve weeks, two days before the 5km, I had to drop out because my counts were too low.
I temped across offices in Manhattan: finance, office management, office supplies, health insurance, media, and even the temp agency itself.
I had an article published on the Greenroom blog of New Musical Theatre
I went trick o’ treating for the first time
I had my one year post-transplant check-up and tests
My immune system was still not functioning at normal levels
I had developed osteopenia (the pre-cursor to osteoporosis)
But the main test: still in remission
In November
My friend Zaza came to stay
I had my first proper Thanksgiving complete with family and turkey and flan
In December I battled a cold and a stomach bug
We celebrated cousin Louisa’s first birthday
And the next day, said goodbye to Jake
We ate Chinese in Park Slope on Christmas Day
Then it was time to drive down to Virginia to spend time with Aaron’s parents
And bring in the new year
Over the course of the year
I researched and posted 18 movie musicals from 1929 (with a few more in the pipeline)
I watched filmed live musicals online including Follies (awful - the quality, not the show) and Daddy Long Legs (brilliant)
I learnt Spanish, Danish, French, and Italian on duolingo
We battled armies of cockroaches and one solitary mouse
We made ice cream, yogurt, rice paper wraps, pho, mussels in a creamy white sauce, meringues from chickpea brine, and dumplings dumplings dumplings galore
Aaron started our herb garden with basil and rosemary and mint
Friends from Australia, Canada, England, and Sweden visited New York
It was a year of struggle
A year of pain and depression
A year of one moment, one day at a time
A year of monitoring and checking in and letting go of expectations of a speedy recovery
A year of wonderful friends and family and uncountable kindnesses and generosity
Into 2016 we go
With hope it will be better, easier, kinder, more gentle
May the year be happy, healthy, and well
The end (for now).
- Published on
Scanxiety ("scan-zi-etee")
Anxiety and worry that accompanies the period of time before undergoing or receiving the results of a medical examination"
Anxiety and worry that accompanies the period of time before undergoing or receiving the results of a medical examination"
Remember that scene in Kindergarten Cop where Arnie says, "I have a headache," and the kids say, "Maybe it's a tumor..." and Arnie replies, "It is not a toomah!" That is the conversation in my head right now.
When I sit for too long on any chair that isn't my couch, I develop an awful pain right down in the base of my tailbone. It makes moving to a standing position incredibly painful. Once I'm standing again, the pain subsides.
My doctor thinks it could be a fractured sacrum, except we have no idea what could have caused it (apart from the fact that the treatment for AML has left me at higher risk for bone damage). All I know is that the pain started after the bone marrow biopsy in October.
Tomorrow I'm having an MRI to determine what's causing the pain. According to the hospital Information Sheet, the MRI will be conducted with contrast dye, in order to "be able to better see any traces of disease".
Basically I'm going to be spending the next 24 hours dealing with scanxiety and repeating to myself in mantra-like fashion: IT IS NOT A TUMOR.
When I sit for too long on any chair that isn't my couch, I develop an awful pain right down in the base of my tailbone. It makes moving to a standing position incredibly painful. Once I'm standing again, the pain subsides.
My doctor thinks it could be a fractured sacrum, except we have no idea what could have caused it (apart from the fact that the treatment for AML has left me at higher risk for bone damage). All I know is that the pain started after the bone marrow biopsy in October.
Tomorrow I'm having an MRI to determine what's causing the pain. According to the hospital Information Sheet, the MRI will be conducted with contrast dye, in order to "be able to better see any traces of disease".
Basically I'm going to be spending the next 24 hours dealing with scanxiety and repeating to myself in mantra-like fashion: IT IS NOT A TUMOR.
I will meditate. I will listed to show tunes (Hamilton is currently on high rotation). I will eat chocolate. I will read Ali Smith. I will get past this MRI. And maybe the day after tomorrow is the day I can start being "normal" again and everything will be ok.
IT IS NOT A TUMOR.
IT IS NOT A TUMOR.
- Published on
The hemoglobin goblin is still here. I had to have another bone marrow biopsy today. My doctor did it herself. At the end, she clutched the bio-bag containing a vial of my blood and said, "I don't know what other tests to run. I want to hold on to this in case I think of something." Inspiring, no? My wonderful nurse practitioner sat with me afterwards while I sobbed. Stupid hemoglobin goblin. I thought I told you to be gone?
Tonight I got to do something fun, and totally out of character: wear designer clothes! Despite the lidocaine still coursing through my system, and my back aching like hell, I decided to go through with attending a special event for CancerCare - a shopping night at the Soho boutique, Nicole Miller. Along with three other survivors, I was there to talk about my experience with cancer, and how CancerCare had helped me.
To start the evening, we were taken to NARS Cosmetics and had our make-up professionally done. The make-up artists were so lovely, starting off the session with face massages and making us feel utterly pampered and special.
Back at the boutique, the staff of Nicole Miller helped us pick out outfits and personally attended to each of us. It was so much fun to wear a dress I would never ever even think about trying on because it costs almost half my month's rent!
The guests arrived, and after some light refreshments and shopping, the four survivors told our stories about how CancerCare had helped us.
No matter how many cancer stories I hear, the thing that always gets me is how goddamn awful this disease is. It doesn't matter what kind of cancer it is, how long ago the treatment finished, or how great your support system is, cancer effing sucks.
Tonight I was pampered and made to feel incredibly special. It was truly lovely, and a great way to ignore the goblin for a couple of hours.
Thank you to utterly lovely staff at Nicole Miller, NARS Cosmetics, and CancerCare for making the evening possible!
Tonight I got to do something fun, and totally out of character: wear designer clothes! Despite the lidocaine still coursing through my system, and my back aching like hell, I decided to go through with attending a special event for CancerCare - a shopping night at the Soho boutique, Nicole Miller. Along with three other survivors, I was there to talk about my experience with cancer, and how CancerCare had helped me.
To start the evening, we were taken to NARS Cosmetics and had our make-up professionally done. The make-up artists were so lovely, starting off the session with face massages and making us feel utterly pampered and special.
Back at the boutique, the staff of Nicole Miller helped us pick out outfits and personally attended to each of us. It was so much fun to wear a dress I would never ever even think about trying on because it costs almost half my month's rent!
The guests arrived, and after some light refreshments and shopping, the four survivors told our stories about how CancerCare had helped us.
No matter how many cancer stories I hear, the thing that always gets me is how goddamn awful this disease is. It doesn't matter what kind of cancer it is, how long ago the treatment finished, or how great your support system is, cancer effing sucks.
Tonight I was pampered and made to feel incredibly special. It was truly lovely, and a great way to ignore the goblin for a couple of hours.
Thank you to utterly lovely staff at Nicole Miller, NARS Cosmetics, and CancerCare for making the evening possible!
- Published on
Something is messing with my blood. My medical team are not exactly sure what it is. So, for the time being, I've decided it's a goblin -- because it's a gobblin' my hemaglobin, and that sounds more fun than "cancer".
Those of you following along for the past few weeks will know that my counts have jumping up and down like a yo-yo. It started after my one-year-post-transplant check-up — I couldn’t seem to recover from the day of tests. I was constantly tired, headachey, and puffed out from shorts bursts of walking, and as a result I had to drop out of the 5km run which I’d spent 12 weeks training for.
My blood work showed that my hemoglobin (an important component of red blood cells), levels were dropping. My doctor thought it was caused by one of the drugs I was on, and took me off the drug. To keep an eye on the counts, I had to go back to having weekly blood tests.
Four weeks after stopping the suspected culprit, my counts are still dropping. This afternoon my lovely nurse practitioner called to let me know that this week’s results were low enough that I’ll need another bone marrow biopsy on Monday, and possibly a transfusion. My doctor is not too concerned about a relapse at this point, given that my last biopsy was only a month ago and came back completely clean, but she’s not exactly sure why I’ve stopped producing hemoglobin.
Monday will be my 11th bone marrow biopsy in 16 months. I still have pain from the last one - whenever I sit for too long I get a sharp and uncomfortable pain in my tailbone. It’s alleviated by standing and walking, but, thanks to the low hemoglobin counts, I get tired from too much movement. It’s a fun game of balancing pain and fatigue.
Thankfully it hasn’t been too debilitating. I’m not bed-ridden, and I’ve even managed a few days of work this week! It's just frustrating to be feeling exhausted and headachey all the time.
I’m hoping my medical team are able to figure out what’s causing this current dip from the biopsy. In the meantime, hemoglobin goblin, be gone!
Those of you following along for the past few weeks will know that my counts have jumping up and down like a yo-yo. It started after my one-year-post-transplant check-up — I couldn’t seem to recover from the day of tests. I was constantly tired, headachey, and puffed out from shorts bursts of walking, and as a result I had to drop out of the 5km run which I’d spent 12 weeks training for.
My blood work showed that my hemoglobin (an important component of red blood cells), levels were dropping. My doctor thought it was caused by one of the drugs I was on, and took me off the drug. To keep an eye on the counts, I had to go back to having weekly blood tests.
Four weeks after stopping the suspected culprit, my counts are still dropping. This afternoon my lovely nurse practitioner called to let me know that this week’s results were low enough that I’ll need another bone marrow biopsy on Monday, and possibly a transfusion. My doctor is not too concerned about a relapse at this point, given that my last biopsy was only a month ago and came back completely clean, but she’s not exactly sure why I’ve stopped producing hemoglobin.
Monday will be my 11th bone marrow biopsy in 16 months. I still have pain from the last one - whenever I sit for too long I get a sharp and uncomfortable pain in my tailbone. It’s alleviated by standing and walking, but, thanks to the low hemoglobin counts, I get tired from too much movement. It’s a fun game of balancing pain and fatigue.
Thankfully it hasn’t been too debilitating. I’m not bed-ridden, and I’ve even managed a few days of work this week! It's just frustrating to be feeling exhausted and headachey all the time.
I’m hoping my medical team are able to figure out what’s causing this current dip from the biopsy. In the meantime, hemoglobin goblin, be gone!
- Published on
You were disappointed because
You had to drop out of a play
And you couldn’t run the 5km
Because your platelets had dropped too low
And it made you feel tired and frustrated
When is this goddamn cancer thing going to be
Over?!
And you’re sitting in the hospital
Waiting for a treatment
And your friend messages you and says
“Would you like to come to the Bernadette Peters Gala at the Plaza Hotel tonight?”
And you think
It will be a late night, and you’re already tired, but
Fuck it! It’s Bernadette Peters! At the Plaza Hotel!
And you rush home to Brooklyn
And one of your closest friends happens to be in town
And she helps you get glammed up
And packs you a cheese sandwich to eat on the train
And you rush back into Manhattan
Your friend is waiting in the foyer
He brings you back into the green room
And there is Debra Monk!
You go into the ballroom
Guests in black tie and beautiful gowns
Are polishing off cake and wine
The lineup is ridiculous
Marin Mazzie! Annaleigh Ashford! Michael Douglas! Gloria Estefan! Danielle Ferland!
Joel Grey sings “There’s no business like show business”
Debra Monk sings “Everybody’s Girl” and you recall that, for a while, her rendition of “Show People” was your ring tone
The lead girl from Fun Home, along with some of the children from The King and I sing a spirited “Children Will Listen”
Norm Lewis sings “No One Is Alone” from Into the Woods and
His tenor voice is warm and rich
The cast of Dames at Sea sing and it’s cheesy and ridiculous and dated, but it makes you feel
So HAPPY!
And Lesli Margherita is there and you whisper to your friend
“She is my spirit animal. I love her so much”
And a few minutes later, she is standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU
And her human realness is overwhelming and you want to reach out and tell her how much her vlogs and tweets and instagrams have gotten you through the past year
But you’re enjoying the show to worry about fawning at the feet of your idols
And then the NYC Gay Men’s Chorus appears
Seventy men standing in small groups all around the room
They sing “Sunday” from Sunday in the Park with George
It’s a beautiful arrangement
And you can’t help but sing-a-long
Toward the verticals of trees!
It is soaring and glorious
Bernadette Peters
Ascends to the stage
She is so teary she can barely speak
She is grateful and radiant and lovely
And still looks like she did over twenty years ago
How is it even possible?! Is it all the singing?!
The night has reminded you
Why you wanted to be in New York in the first place
It was to go to the theatre and audition and learn lines and be in shows and trip the light fantastic!
It was to go to museums and libraries and beautiful parks and stroll hand in hand with your husband across the Brooklyn Bridge and up and down the streets and across the avenues
It was to have wonderful experiences in this wonderful town
Not to have an existence comprised of blood counts and monitoring your energy and being terrified of relapse and stupid fucking cancer
And although you go home utterly exhausted
You feel entirely elated
Your heart is full of joy
And you are thankful that you’re here
For these moments
You had to drop out of a play
And you couldn’t run the 5km
Because your platelets had dropped too low
And it made you feel tired and frustrated
When is this goddamn cancer thing going to be
Over?!
And you’re sitting in the hospital
Waiting for a treatment
And your friend messages you and says
“Would you like to come to the Bernadette Peters Gala at the Plaza Hotel tonight?”
And you think
It will be a late night, and you’re already tired, but
Fuck it! It’s Bernadette Peters! At the Plaza Hotel!
And you rush home to Brooklyn
And one of your closest friends happens to be in town
And she helps you get glammed up
And packs you a cheese sandwich to eat on the train
And you rush back into Manhattan
Your friend is waiting in the foyer
He brings you back into the green room
And there is Debra Monk!
You go into the ballroom
Guests in black tie and beautiful gowns
Are polishing off cake and wine
The lineup is ridiculous
Marin Mazzie! Annaleigh Ashford! Michael Douglas! Gloria Estefan! Danielle Ferland!
Joel Grey sings “There’s no business like show business”
Debra Monk sings “Everybody’s Girl” and you recall that, for a while, her rendition of “Show People” was your ring tone
The lead girl from Fun Home, along with some of the children from The King and I sing a spirited “Children Will Listen”
Norm Lewis sings “No One Is Alone” from Into the Woods and
His tenor voice is warm and rich
The cast of Dames at Sea sing and it’s cheesy and ridiculous and dated, but it makes you feel
So HAPPY!
And Lesli Margherita is there and you whisper to your friend
“She is my spirit animal. I love her so much”
And a few minutes later, she is standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU
And her human realness is overwhelming and you want to reach out and tell her how much her vlogs and tweets and instagrams have gotten you through the past year
But you’re enjoying the show to worry about fawning at the feet of your idols
And then the NYC Gay Men’s Chorus appears
Seventy men standing in small groups all around the room
They sing “Sunday” from Sunday in the Park with George
It’s a beautiful arrangement
And you can’t help but sing-a-long
Toward the verticals of trees!
It is soaring and glorious
Bernadette Peters
Ascends to the stage
She is so teary she can barely speak
She is grateful and radiant and lovely
And still looks like she did over twenty years ago
How is it even possible?! Is it all the singing?!
The night has reminded you
Why you wanted to be in New York in the first place
It was to go to the theatre and audition and learn lines and be in shows and trip the light fantastic!
It was to go to museums and libraries and beautiful parks and stroll hand in hand with your husband across the Brooklyn Bridge and up and down the streets and across the avenues
It was to have wonderful experiences in this wonderful town
Not to have an existence comprised of blood counts and monitoring your energy and being terrified of relapse and stupid fucking cancer
And although you go home utterly exhausted
You feel entirely elated
Your heart is full of joy
And you are thankful that you’re here
For these moments
- Published on
Mercedes Esteban
31.3.1934 - 22.9.2015
31.3.1934 - 22.9.2015
Abuela, or Beulah as she became known (due to a spelling mistake I had made as a child) is the guiding light of my adult life. The reason I am who I am is thanks to her legacy, and everything she taught me.
One of my earliest memories of Abuela is sitting by her side watching The Pajama Game and during the song "I'm not at all in love,” she suddenly joined in on the line "you're shouting.” It was the first time I realized that she had seen this movie a few times before and that she Knew Things.
Abuela took me to my first opera, Carmen. She had tickets for her birthday and wanted to take one of the granddaughters. She wanted it to be fair, so she put our names in a hat. I was lucky enough to be drawn out.
She took me to a ballet eisteddfod and told me that she "knew" I'd win because I was her granddaughter. She came to all our performances, and we laughed when we discovered she had taken a liking to the young boy band Human Nature at School’s Spectacular.
Abuela accompanied me to the wilds of Erskineville for my first big audition that led to singing in the Olympics. After the Olympics, we danced together in the Domain at the volunteer parade. I found her in the crowd after the film crew had shown her smiling, gorgeous face on the big screen.
She was with me at my first musical, A Chorus Line. A line from that show, “I used to dance around the living room” was my life. I used to dance around Abuela’s living room. Her collection of tapes, cds, and videos are the essence of my childhood. Fiddler on the Roof, Singing’ in the Rain, and The King and I are as inextricably linked to Sunday lunch as flan and bibingka.
No else made flan like Abuela. She was incredibly proud when I asked to include her flan in the international cookbook at uni. Of course, I just had to watch and make notes, but it was a big day when I was able to cook flan for her 75th birthday!
When I became a vegetarian she lamented that she never knew what to feed me. Lentejas were not lentejas without the chorizo.
Abuela was utterly devoted to Abuelo. They met some enchanted evening, and when Abuelo came to visit the next day and Abuela was up the apple tree with curlers in her hair. It was a bit of a scandal when we discovered that before Abuelo, Abuela had been eyeing an American airman. Of course, after the enchanted evening, there could never be anyone else, and there never was. Without a doubt I know they are together now, dancing in heaven. Every time I hear a thunder storm, I’ll know they’ve gone out bowling with the other angels.
A few weeks ago I saw The King and I at the Lincoln Center in New York. It occurred to me that the reason I was even in New York, the reason I love musicals, opera, and music, is because of my Abuela.
It was a privilege to grow up with such a wonderful grandmother. It was a privilege to be with her in her final moments.
Abuela, thank you for everything I know. I love you.
One of my earliest memories of Abuela is sitting by her side watching The Pajama Game and during the song "I'm not at all in love,” she suddenly joined in on the line "you're shouting.” It was the first time I realized that she had seen this movie a few times before and that she Knew Things.
Abuela took me to my first opera, Carmen. She had tickets for her birthday and wanted to take one of the granddaughters. She wanted it to be fair, so she put our names in a hat. I was lucky enough to be drawn out.
She took me to a ballet eisteddfod and told me that she "knew" I'd win because I was her granddaughter. She came to all our performances, and we laughed when we discovered she had taken a liking to the young boy band Human Nature at School’s Spectacular.
Abuela accompanied me to the wilds of Erskineville for my first big audition that led to singing in the Olympics. After the Olympics, we danced together in the Domain at the volunteer parade. I found her in the crowd after the film crew had shown her smiling, gorgeous face on the big screen.
She was with me at my first musical, A Chorus Line. A line from that show, “I used to dance around the living room” was my life. I used to dance around Abuela’s living room. Her collection of tapes, cds, and videos are the essence of my childhood. Fiddler on the Roof, Singing’ in the Rain, and The King and I are as inextricably linked to Sunday lunch as flan and bibingka.
No else made flan like Abuela. She was incredibly proud when I asked to include her flan in the international cookbook at uni. Of course, I just had to watch and make notes, but it was a big day when I was able to cook flan for her 75th birthday!
When I became a vegetarian she lamented that she never knew what to feed me. Lentejas were not lentejas without the chorizo.
Abuela was utterly devoted to Abuelo. They met some enchanted evening, and when Abuelo came to visit the next day and Abuela was up the apple tree with curlers in her hair. It was a bit of a scandal when we discovered that before Abuelo, Abuela had been eyeing an American airman. Of course, after the enchanted evening, there could never be anyone else, and there never was. Without a doubt I know they are together now, dancing in heaven. Every time I hear a thunder storm, I’ll know they’ve gone out bowling with the other angels.
A few weeks ago I saw The King and I at the Lincoln Center in New York. It occurred to me that the reason I was even in New York, the reason I love musicals, opera, and music, is because of my Abuela.
It was a privilege to grow up with such a wonderful grandmother. It was a privilege to be with her in her final moments.
Abuela, thank you for everything I know. I love you.
- Published on
Two different kinds of posts were prominent on Facebook on Wednesday (August 26):
In a world where women are definitely still not equal with men (representation in media, government, or pay, to name just a few examples; see TIME for a great infographic), the prominence of celebrating canines over half the human race bothered me immensely.
Curious about the origins of both days, I did a little research.
National Women's Equality Day became such after a Joint Resolution was passed by Congress in 1971. The date was chosen to celebrate the day in 1920 when women in the United States of America finally won the right to vote (for interest and comparison, New Zealand was the first nation to grant full suffrage in 1893, Australian women followed in 1902 (though Aboriginal women were excluded and not granted the right to vote until 1967), and as recently as this week, women in Saudi Arabia were finally given the vote. The Inter-Parliamentary Union has an interesting chronology of the history of women's suffrage).
National Dog Day was created much later, in 2004, to bring public awareness about the number of dogs needing to be rescued each year.
- Posts celebrating dogs in honor of National Dog Day, and
- Posts asking people to remember that, although dogs are awesome, it was also National Women's Equality Day
In a world where women are definitely still not equal with men (representation in media, government, or pay, to name just a few examples; see TIME for a great infographic), the prominence of celebrating canines over half the human race bothered me immensely.
Curious about the origins of both days, I did a little research.
National Women's Equality Day became such after a Joint Resolution was passed by Congress in 1971. The date was chosen to celebrate the day in 1920 when women in the United States of America finally won the right to vote (for interest and comparison, New Zealand was the first nation to grant full suffrage in 1893, Australian women followed in 1902 (though Aboriginal women were excluded and not granted the right to vote until 1967), and as recently as this week, women in Saudi Arabia were finally given the vote. The Inter-Parliamentary Union has an interesting chronology of the history of women's suffrage).
National Dog Day was created much later, in 2004, to bring public awareness about the number of dogs needing to be rescued each year.
According to Parade Magazine, over half a million tweets were sent celebrating #NationalDogDay. A Google search for news articles on National Dog Day returned over 26 million results. The same search for National Women's Equality Day returned 1.9 million results.
Google search for news articles on National Dog Day
The same search for National Women's Equality Day
This disparity is disturbing. Why did the organizer's of National Dog Day choose this day as their day of celebration? My guess is they simply didn't know about the conflict. As well intentioned as the organizers of the various National Women's Equality Day events and publicity were, much of it, like this National Women's History Project brochure, seems out of touch and irrelevant in today's social media saturated world.
The best publicity for National Women's Equality Day came from Broadway. Led by Tony Award winning Fun Home (the first Broadway musical with an all-female writing team to win a Tony Award for Best Original Score), Broadway stars posted pictures of themselves imitating Rosie the Riveter in support of the Equal Rights Amendment (a constitutional amendment expressly prohibiting discrimination against women and girls on the basis of gender).
It would be wonderful to see National Women's Equality Day get the recognition it deserves, and for women to be treated equally in all spheres of life.
I was very pleased to see the following on the National Dog Day website -
It would be wonderful to see National Women's Equality Day get the recognition it deserves, and for women to be treated equally in all spheres of life.
I was very pleased to see the following on the National Dog Day website -
Although we have been celebrating National Dog Day on August 26th for the last 11 years, this year it was brought to our attention that National Dog Day was drawing focus away from Women's Equality Day and thus, out of respect for this extremely important day of recognition and observation for women's rights everywhere, we are happy to permanently change the date of our celebration to August 31st, to end the Dogs Days of Summer with a grand celebration.
Hopefully next year, National Women's Equality Day will be more prominent, and not because of its relation to dogs. I hope that by 2020, the 100th anniversary of American women winning the right to vote, we will live in a world where women are more equally represented in the media, in government, and receive equal pay for equal work.
In the meantime, we have a lot of work to do.
In the meantime, we have a lot of work to do.
- Published on
Dear Editors, Publishers, Media at Large,
As a survivor of acute myeloid leukemia, I am begging you: PLEASE STOP PUBLISHING ANYTHING TO DO WITH BELLE GIBSON. I don't need to hear from her mother. I don't need to hear from her neighbours. I don't need to hear from her primary school teacher. I definitely don't need to hear from Belle herself. I don't care what happened to her app, her book, or her empire. I don't even want/need to know if she has finally been charged or even trialled for her crimes.
Before cancer, I was a fit and healthy young woman. I was a vegetarian. I ate mostly organic food. I exercised. I meditated. I chose to be positive. I never smoked. I rarely drank. And I still got cancer.
After cancer, I have struggled with chemo, radiation, hair loss, nail loss, weight loss, energy loss, serious depression, anger, and a whole myriad of side effects that come from treatment and the god awful hell that is living with a terrible illness. I am not able to work. I am fortunate to have had access to wonderful health care, and the support of friends and family who have supported me, and my husband, through this terrible nightmare.
Every time you publish a story about Belle Gibson, and how she used a terrible disease to prey on people's trust and steal money, you are punishing people who actually have to live with cancer. You are destroying people's trust. You are making it harder for those of us who rely on the generosity and kindness of others to make it through.
Belle Gibson clearly needs help. She needs therapy with experienced professionals who can help her deal with her issues. She does not need to be in the public eye. Cancer survivors, their carers, and people who have lost loved ones to cancer do not need to read about her, see her, or be subjected to her continual lies. We have enough to deal with without being reminded that there are people out there using our illness for profit.
Please stop publishing stories about Belle Gibson. Instead, publish stories about practical ways to help people with cancer (HuffPost had a great one), encourage blood/platelet donation (US, Australia, UK), or tell people how they can donate hair (US, Australia, UK). If you want the personal angle, tell us stories of hope, survival, and the true and factual stories of people living with cancer. But no more Belle. We've had enough.
Sincerely,
An Actual Cancer Survivor
As a survivor of acute myeloid leukemia, I am begging you: PLEASE STOP PUBLISHING ANYTHING TO DO WITH BELLE GIBSON. I don't need to hear from her mother. I don't need to hear from her neighbours. I don't need to hear from her primary school teacher. I definitely don't need to hear from Belle herself. I don't care what happened to her app, her book, or her empire. I don't even want/need to know if she has finally been charged or even trialled for her crimes.
Before cancer, I was a fit and healthy young woman. I was a vegetarian. I ate mostly organic food. I exercised. I meditated. I chose to be positive. I never smoked. I rarely drank. And I still got cancer.
After cancer, I have struggled with chemo, radiation, hair loss, nail loss, weight loss, energy loss, serious depression, anger, and a whole myriad of side effects that come from treatment and the god awful hell that is living with a terrible illness. I am not able to work. I am fortunate to have had access to wonderful health care, and the support of friends and family who have supported me, and my husband, through this terrible nightmare.
Every time you publish a story about Belle Gibson, and how she used a terrible disease to prey on people's trust and steal money, you are punishing people who actually have to live with cancer. You are destroying people's trust. You are making it harder for those of us who rely on the generosity and kindness of others to make it through.
Belle Gibson clearly needs help. She needs therapy with experienced professionals who can help her deal with her issues. She does not need to be in the public eye. Cancer survivors, their carers, and people who have lost loved ones to cancer do not need to read about her, see her, or be subjected to her continual lies. We have enough to deal with without being reminded that there are people out there using our illness for profit.
Please stop publishing stories about Belle Gibson. Instead, publish stories about practical ways to help people with cancer (HuffPost had a great one), encourage blood/platelet donation (US, Australia, UK), or tell people how they can donate hair (US, Australia, UK). If you want the personal angle, tell us stories of hope, survival, and the true and factual stories of people living with cancer. But no more Belle. We've had enough.
Sincerely,
An Actual Cancer Survivor
- Published on
We are such stuff
As dreams are made on
I had the weirdest dream
I had finally moved to New York
But I was in Connecticut with
Two bug bites on my legs that had
Turned into huge infections
I was diagnosed with cancer
Acute Myeloid Leukemia
Patti LuPone sent me an email
They filled my body with chemo drugs and
All my hair fell out
My legs looked like something out of an alien movie
They stood me in a large room, strapped me to a frame
And radiated my entire body
They wiped out my immune system
Took some of my sister’s cells
And injected them into me
I wasn’t allowed to go to the theatre
Wasn’t allowed to eat take out
All my energy was gone
I felt nauseous
I felt tired
I threw up
I felt depressed
I felt angry
I felt like giving up
Every week they tested my blood
They injected a needle into the back of my hip and drew out the marrow
Be a patient patient.
We never know what’s next
We could fall in love
We could meet our idols
We could get cancer
How do we exist on the precipice between joy and despair?
We live on a rock covered in water
Just so far from a flaming ball of gas
Surrounded by other rocks
That expands to infinity and…
The miracle is that after a several millennia
We still don’t really know what it’s all about
We have some theories
But we don’t really know
What is this dream?
Months passed
No more cancer
Remission
Healing slowly
And then it was a year later
I am living in New York
My hair is back, curly
My strength is returning
I don’t feel nauseous
I do often feel tired
I often feel depressed
I often feel angry
I still sometimes feel like giving up
I try to balance on the precipice between joy and despair
I am married to the most wonderful person
He is patient and kind and loving
And through him I have a wonderful, patient, kind, and loving family
Day by day I’m feeling better
I am allowed to go to the theatre again
I met Patti LuPone in person
She told me to be well
Alright, Patti. If you say so…
This past twelve months
Has been a rollercoaster
It has been hell
It has bought me closer to my American family
It has made me stronger.
It has made me weaker.
It has made me
Different.
Thursday is the anniversary of being told I had cancer.
Yesterday I wore shorts in public for the first time since diagnosis
It was just too bloody hot
I’ve become proud of my scars
Those damn things saved my life
This whole dream
Is difficult to fathom
But such is the stuff of life
And while I am here
I will endeavor to remain
Awake.
I had finally moved to New York
But I was in Connecticut with
Two bug bites on my legs that had
Turned into huge infections
I was diagnosed with cancer
Acute Myeloid Leukemia
Patti LuPone sent me an email
They filled my body with chemo drugs and
All my hair fell out
My legs looked like something out of an alien movie
They stood me in a large room, strapped me to a frame
And radiated my entire body
They wiped out my immune system
Took some of my sister’s cells
And injected them into me
I wasn’t allowed to go to the theatre
Wasn’t allowed to eat take out
All my energy was gone
I felt nauseous
I felt tired
I threw up
I felt depressed
I felt angry
I felt like giving up
Every week they tested my blood
They injected a needle into the back of my hip and drew out the marrow
Be a patient patient.
We never know what’s next
We could fall in love
We could meet our idols
We could get cancer
How do we exist on the precipice between joy and despair?
We live on a rock covered in water
Just so far from a flaming ball of gas
Surrounded by other rocks
That expands to infinity and…
The miracle is that after a several millennia
We still don’t really know what it’s all about
We have some theories
But we don’t really know
What is this dream?
Months passed
No more cancer
Remission
Healing slowly
And then it was a year later
I am living in New York
My hair is back, curly
My strength is returning
I don’t feel nauseous
I do often feel tired
I often feel depressed
I often feel angry
I still sometimes feel like giving up
I try to balance on the precipice between joy and despair
I am married to the most wonderful person
He is patient and kind and loving
And through him I have a wonderful, patient, kind, and loving family
Day by day I’m feeling better
I am allowed to go to the theatre again
I met Patti LuPone in person
She told me to be well
Alright, Patti. If you say so…
This past twelve months
Has been a rollercoaster
It has been hell
It has bought me closer to my American family
It has made me stronger.
It has made me weaker.
It has made me
Different.
Thursday is the anniversary of being told I had cancer.
Yesterday I wore shorts in public for the first time since diagnosis
It was just too bloody hot
I’ve become proud of my scars
Those damn things saved my life
This whole dream
Is difficult to fathom
But such is the stuff of life
And while I am here
I will endeavor to remain
Awake.
- Published on
Blackout
A voice -
Once upon a time…
The crowd erupts into
Rapturous applause
Lights up
The host, Mo Rocca, walks onto the stage
He says he is
Excited
Well, excited and scared
The full house
Responds with
Appreciative laughter
Sondheim and Lapine are welcomed to the stage
The audience is on their feet
Cheering with
An ecstatic roar
Conversational banter
The who, what, why, and how
Into the Woods came to be
The Baker and his Wife
Chip Zien and Joanna Gleason
Are like a married couple
Charming and funny
They have a genuine affection for each other
How many times have I heard their voices?
Seen their images on my screen?
And there they are on stage
Singing
“No More” and “It Takes Two”
Kim Crosby appears
“On the Steps of the Palace”
Still as bright and clear as 26 years ago
The prince arrives,
Robert Westenberg
Cinderella’s real-life love
“Hello Little Girl”
Wonderfully humorous
Danielle Ferland
Little Red Riding Hood
All grown up and wearing a red dress
“I Know Things Now”
Ben Wright
Also grown, now a father of four
Nails “Giants in the Sky”
We hear behind the scenes stories
And audition anecdotes
Joanna Gleason talks of walking into the room
She hadn’t been on Broadway in 10 years
She had one song with her, a ballad
There was Lapine. And there was “Zeus.”
They asked if she had an uptempo number
She offered to sing the ballad faster.
Act 1 closes with
“Any Moment” and
“Moment in the Woods”
Mo Rocca warns us it will all fall apart in the second act
Laughter. Lights up.
The audience chatters loudly.
Act 2 opens with
Bernadette Peters
She has not aged a single bit
Perhaps she really did drink a magic potion
But she hasn’t lost her powers
The rap, complete with witch’s prosthetic nose, is
Perfect
Through
“Stay With Me”
We are captivated
And not going anywhere
You can hear a pin drop
But for the piano and
Bernadette’s voice
She is utterly, utterly divine
More banter
Sondheim is (it seems almost redundant to say it, because, OBVIOUSLY he is)
Incredibly articulate
And funny
The camaraderie of the cast
Warmth and love
Appreciation that they were a part of this magical creation
I wonder if this all would have been possible if they had never filmed the original production?
Listen up musical producers! Film your shows and give them a life time well beyond the original run!
“Your Fault/Last Midnight”
Bernadette’s final note is astonishing
“Children Will Listen”
I know I’m not the only one crying
The finale.
Another standing ovation
What an extraordinary event
So special to see these wonderful people gathered
In celebration of art
And music
And story-telling
The joy of nostalgia
The wonder of my childhood being accessible
And on my doorstep
I love being in New York
And living a life
Made of these moments.
A voice -
Once upon a time…
The crowd erupts into
Rapturous applause
Lights up
The host, Mo Rocca, walks onto the stage
He says he is
Excited
Well, excited and scared
The full house
Responds with
Appreciative laughter
Sondheim and Lapine are welcomed to the stage
The audience is on their feet
Cheering with
An ecstatic roar
Conversational banter
The who, what, why, and how
Into the Woods came to be
The Baker and his Wife
Chip Zien and Joanna Gleason
Are like a married couple
Charming and funny
They have a genuine affection for each other
How many times have I heard their voices?
Seen their images on my screen?
And there they are on stage
Singing
“No More” and “It Takes Two”
Kim Crosby appears
“On the Steps of the Palace”
Still as bright and clear as 26 years ago
The prince arrives,
Robert Westenberg
Cinderella’s real-life love
“Hello Little Girl”
Wonderfully humorous
Danielle Ferland
Little Red Riding Hood
All grown up and wearing a red dress
“I Know Things Now”
Ben Wright
Also grown, now a father of four
Nails “Giants in the Sky”
We hear behind the scenes stories
And audition anecdotes
Joanna Gleason talks of walking into the room
She hadn’t been on Broadway in 10 years
She had one song with her, a ballad
There was Lapine. And there was “Zeus.”
They asked if she had an uptempo number
She offered to sing the ballad faster.
Act 1 closes with
“Any Moment” and
“Moment in the Woods”
Mo Rocca warns us it will all fall apart in the second act
Laughter. Lights up.
The audience chatters loudly.
Act 2 opens with
Bernadette Peters
She has not aged a single bit
Perhaps she really did drink a magic potion
But she hasn’t lost her powers
The rap, complete with witch’s prosthetic nose, is
Perfect
Through
“Stay With Me”
We are captivated
And not going anywhere
You can hear a pin drop
But for the piano and
Bernadette’s voice
She is utterly, utterly divine
More banter
Sondheim is (it seems almost redundant to say it, because, OBVIOUSLY he is)
Incredibly articulate
And funny
The camaraderie of the cast
Warmth and love
Appreciation that they were a part of this magical creation
I wonder if this all would have been possible if they had never filmed the original production?
Listen up musical producers! Film your shows and give them a life time well beyond the original run!
“Your Fault/Last Midnight”
Bernadette’s final note is astonishing
“Children Will Listen”
I know I’m not the only one crying
The finale.
Another standing ovation
What an extraordinary event
So special to see these wonderful people gathered
In celebration of art
And music
And story-telling
The joy of nostalgia
The wonder of my childhood being accessible
And on my doorstep
I love being in New York
And living a life
Made of these moments.