- Published on
When Aaron and I got married, we figured we'd sort out our honeymoon after we'd moved to New York.
We moved to New York and, less than a month later, I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia.
We've spent the last two and a half years dealing with that little episode.
Early on in the treatment, my social worker at Sloan Kettering told us about the Dream Team. The philanthropic arm of the hospital operates like the Make a Wish or Starlight Foundation programs. She said people often took vacations, or met people they admired.
I knew I wanted a honeymoon with my love. The person who has held my hand through stupid cancer. Who stayed up with me when I was puking or shitting my guts out, who dressed me when my fingernails were falling off, who cooked and cleaned, and took care of bills and insurance and life while I was unable to do so. And after all that, he somehow still finds me attractive and makes me feel like I'm the most beautiful person on earth. He is the most patient, kind, and loving person I know. This guy deserves a nice holiday where he gets taken care of!
We were initially going to go to Puerto Rico. Then my social worker told us it wasn't going to work out because it was too expensive for the dates we wanted. There was a possibility of a place called Guana Island, were we interested?
I googled Guana Island and just about fell out of my chair.
We moved to New York and, less than a month later, I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia.
We've spent the last two and a half years dealing with that little episode.
Early on in the treatment, my social worker at Sloan Kettering told us about the Dream Team. The philanthropic arm of the hospital operates like the Make a Wish or Starlight Foundation programs. She said people often took vacations, or met people they admired.
I knew I wanted a honeymoon with my love. The person who has held my hand through stupid cancer. Who stayed up with me when I was puking or shitting my guts out, who dressed me when my fingernails were falling off, who cooked and cleaned, and took care of bills and insurance and life while I was unable to do so. And after all that, he somehow still finds me attractive and makes me feel like I'm the most beautiful person on earth. He is the most patient, kind, and loving person I know. This guy deserves a nice holiday where he gets taken care of!
We were initially going to go to Puerto Rico. Then my social worker told us it wasn't going to work out because it was too expensive for the dates we wanted. There was a possibility of a place called Guana Island, were we interested?
I googled Guana Island and just about fell out of my chair.
this is what comes up when you google Guana Island
Ummm... yes please!
We sent our passport details and the flights were booked. The trip was also organized to allow us a quick trip to Richmond to spend some time with Aaron's parents.
Three flights and a car ride around a large fence at Tortola Airport found us on a small boat headed to Guana Island. Chris, our captain, was a young Kiwi-Brit who had been working in the British Virgin Island (referred to by all the locals as the 'BVI') for around three years.
In the dark, we crossed the bay. A large dark hill loomed in front of the boat.
“That's Guana Island. Of course, if looks much better in the day…”
We rounded what we later learned to be, Monkey Point, and came into a cove. The boat’s spotlight illuminated clear water and white sand. Up the hill from the beachside dock, we could lights illuminating square white buildings.
We were transferred into golf carts and headed up the hill. The road was steep, and even at night the driver went at a terrific pace. We giggled as we drove under a canopy of leaves. It was deliciously warm, and the air smelt sweet and fresh. Where are we?!
The guide took us to our room, Ayegata 2 (named for one of the many islands in the BVI). We were told we would have an amazing view of the ocean in the morning. Dinner was being served in the dining area as soon as we were ready.
Our bags were delivered, and we changed into Guana appropriate dinnerware - collared shirt for Aaron and a long dress for me. In the 1930s, the families and groups of people living on the island lived in tents, had no hot water, and bought in all their supplies by row boat, but “they always dressed up for dinner.” The island now has somewhat upgraded from the tents and cold water, but the tradition of dressing up for dinner remains.
Upon entering the dining area, we were shown the bar.
“It’s an open bar, with an honor system. Sometimes there's a barman, otherwise just help yourself. Just record your drinks in the log.”
We promptly ordered mojitos.
We were seated on a candlelit terrace overlooking the dark ocean. The lovely staff proceeded to serve an amazing four course dinner, paired with matching wines. Carrot soup, followed by a salad bursting with fresh tropical fruits and spicy greens. Crackled pork served with roasted yams, potatoes, and tiny onions bursting with flavor. For dessert there was chocolate coulant, a kind of warm cakey muffin oozing chocolate, paired with strawberries that had definitely spent a good portion of their life in a bowl of icing sugar, and vanilla ice cream.
Throughout the night I kept waking up and looking expectantly out the window. Is it daytime yet?!
We sent our passport details and the flights were booked. The trip was also organized to allow us a quick trip to Richmond to spend some time with Aaron's parents.
Three flights and a car ride around a large fence at Tortola Airport found us on a small boat headed to Guana Island. Chris, our captain, was a young Kiwi-Brit who had been working in the British Virgin Island (referred to by all the locals as the 'BVI') for around three years.
In the dark, we crossed the bay. A large dark hill loomed in front of the boat.
“That's Guana Island. Of course, if looks much better in the day…”
We rounded what we later learned to be, Monkey Point, and came into a cove. The boat’s spotlight illuminated clear water and white sand. Up the hill from the beachside dock, we could lights illuminating square white buildings.
We were transferred into golf carts and headed up the hill. The road was steep, and even at night the driver went at a terrific pace. We giggled as we drove under a canopy of leaves. It was deliciously warm, and the air smelt sweet and fresh. Where are we?!
The guide took us to our room, Ayegata 2 (named for one of the many islands in the BVI). We were told we would have an amazing view of the ocean in the morning. Dinner was being served in the dining area as soon as we were ready.
Our bags were delivered, and we changed into Guana appropriate dinnerware - collared shirt for Aaron and a long dress for me. In the 1930s, the families and groups of people living on the island lived in tents, had no hot water, and bought in all their supplies by row boat, but “they always dressed up for dinner.” The island now has somewhat upgraded from the tents and cold water, but the tradition of dressing up for dinner remains.
Upon entering the dining area, we were shown the bar.
“It’s an open bar, with an honor system. Sometimes there's a barman, otherwise just help yourself. Just record your drinks in the log.”
We promptly ordered mojitos.
We were seated on a candlelit terrace overlooking the dark ocean. The lovely staff proceeded to serve an amazing four course dinner, paired with matching wines. Carrot soup, followed by a salad bursting with fresh tropical fruits and spicy greens. Crackled pork served with roasted yams, potatoes, and tiny onions bursting with flavor. For dessert there was chocolate coulant, a kind of warm cakey muffin oozing chocolate, paired with strawberries that had definitely spent a good portion of their life in a bowl of icing sugar, and vanilla ice cream.
Throughout the night I kept waking up and looking expectantly out the window. Is it daytime yet?!
View from our room
When we awoke, a calm blue ocean stretched out in front of us.
Breakfast consisted of cheese, cured meats, and fresh fruit. There were also options for cereal, granola, yogurt, and hot breakfast with eggs of your choice cooked to order.
After breakfast, we were taken on a tour of the facilities, and signed up for various activities.
Before hitting the beach, we decided to do one of the many hikes that have been mapped out on the island. The Pyramid Trail started right outside our room, and promised great views and a trip to the rock the island is named for.
The trail was marked as easy, and we both became slightly unnerved at the island's ranking. The path was steep, rocky, narrow, and surprisingly challenging.
Breakfast consisted of cheese, cured meats, and fresh fruit. There were also options for cereal, granola, yogurt, and hot breakfast with eggs of your choice cooked to order.
After breakfast, we were taken on a tour of the facilities, and signed up for various activities.
Before hitting the beach, we decided to do one of the many hikes that have been mapped out on the island. The Pyramid Trail started right outside our room, and promised great views and a trip to the rock the island is named for.
The trail was marked as easy, and we both became slightly unnerved at the island's ranking. The path was steep, rocky, narrow, and surprisingly challenging.
All around us were beautiful trees, red turpentines, feathery tamarinds, and nest-like remnants of orchid plants. The dry climate is perfect for cacti, tall Organ Pipes and squat Turk's Caps. Dotted amongst the trees and cacti were an amazing array of bromeliads. Tiny lizards scuttled underfoot, and brown doves flitted in and out of the trees.
Half-way along we came to the edge of the island and the famed Iguana Rock for which is the island is named (we never did find out why the 'I' was dropped). Aaron, being a mountain goat, scampered down to check out the rocks further below. I stayed at the top taking panoramic pictures and trying to ignore my vertigo.
The path looped around the other side of the island. Aaron, who had become expert at spotting lizards, found our first real life iguana, a large pre-historic looking creature who scuttled away after we filmed it bobbing its head. We also spotted several common doves, and a tiny luminescent-green hummingbird with a long hook-shape beak.
Half-way along we came to the edge of the island and the famed Iguana Rock for which is the island is named (we never did find out why the 'I' was dropped). Aaron, being a mountain goat, scampered down to check out the rocks further below. I stayed at the top taking panoramic pictures and trying to ignore my vertigo.
The path looped around the other side of the island. Aaron, who had become expert at spotting lizards, found our first real life iguana, a large pre-historic looking creature who scuttled away after we filmed it bobbing its head. We also spotted several common doves, and a tiny luminescent-green hummingbird with a long hook-shape beak.
The beach
Down on the beach, the air was warm, the water was crystal clear and inviting, and pelicans and brown boobys were nose-diving for fish. Aaron decided to take out one of the small sailboats, and I went for a swim. It was fun to be surrounded by tiny silvery fish and the occasional larger fish with a yellow stripe down its side. We found a hammock hanging beneath some palm trees, and I’m pleased to report it was in perfect working order.
All that activity meant we were starving again. Lunch was a buffet affair, with fresh fish, porchetta, braised bok choy, several different salads all topped with fresh fruit, cous cous salads, bread… We were ready to leave the table when the waitress bought out dessert - orange cake topped with orange slices and mango sorbet. I hope you’re catching on that the food was really out of this world amazing.
In the afternoon we went on an Orchard Tour. Led by the resident botanic expert Vernon, we wandered around the large orchard learning about the cycles of papaya, bananas, mangos, bread fruit, and a whole array of fruits and vegetables. Vernon studied agriculture and agricultural tourism in Cuba, and has been applying organic and sustainable farming practices to the orchard for the past few years.
All that activity meant we were starving again. Lunch was a buffet affair, with fresh fish, porchetta, braised bok choy, several different salads all topped with fresh fruit, cous cous salads, bread… We were ready to leave the table when the waitress bought out dessert - orange cake topped with orange slices and mango sorbet. I hope you’re catching on that the food was really out of this world amazing.
In the afternoon we went on an Orchard Tour. Led by the resident botanic expert Vernon, we wandered around the large orchard learning about the cycles of papaya, bananas, mangos, bread fruit, and a whole array of fruits and vegetables. Vernon studied agriculture and agricultural tourism in Cuba, and has been applying organic and sustainable farming practices to the orchard for the past few years.
Boy samples coconut
We discovered that Guana has a farm-to-table program, so a lot of the produce we had been enjoying at our meals came straight from the orchard. At the end of the tour, we were treated to samples of freshly harvested star fruit, papaya, banana, mangosteen, coconut, miracle fruit, and a slice of key lime. Those of you who have ever tasted a key lime will know it’s incredibly sour. Eating a little miracle fruit beforehand has the amazing ability of making the key lime sweet. Apparently there is research underway to use miracle fruit as a natural alternative to sugar.
A sample of the produce in the Orchard. Basil, papaya, water apple, bananas, and eggplant.
After more beach time, we headed to cocktail hour and hors d’oeuvres in the living room of the main house. We met some of the other guests (during our stay, there were never more than 15-20 other guests on the whole island) and made friends with a lovely couple, Drew and Brian, from Atlanta. Dinner was another four course affair, this time with a bottle of champagne courtesy of the Dream Team.
On Saturday morning, we hiked Liao Wei Ping's Trail up to the bat caves. The trail is named for the island's former resident Dr Liao Wei Ping. Dr. Liao Wei Ping is a master gardener, ornithologist, sculptor and poet, who cut many of the trails by hand and started the orchard. He now resides in San Francisco.
Liao’s Trail is more inland than the Pyramid Trail, and so had a denser forest with twisting rope vines, huge trees that housed bromeliads and enormous termite nests, and a plethora of crabs. It was fun to stand still and hear them scurrying across the rocks and leaf litter on the path. We cut away from Liao’s Trail and onto the Orchard Trail which led back to the beach.
Liao’s Trail is more inland than the Pyramid Trail, and so had a denser forest with twisting rope vines, huge trees that housed bromeliads and enormous termite nests, and a plethora of crabs. It was fun to stand still and hear them scurrying across the rocks and leaf litter on the path. We cut away from Liao’s Trail and onto the Orchard Trail which led back to the beach.
The coconut was as big as my head (without the hair...obviously).
I discovered that it was possible to have fresh coconuts delivered to the beach, so began participating in an important tradition of drinking from a coconut on a daily basis.
View from the Massage Hut
Beverage time was followed by massage time. Massage and spa treatments take place in the Spa, a wooden hut with large mesh windows situated between the palm trees and sea grapes right on the beach. The masseuse, Lissa, placed a bowl of hibiscus flowers under the head rest, and with the sound of the Caribbean ocean lapping on the sand, I had one of the best deep tissue massages ever. I had never actually experienced a meditation or massage on a tropical beach with warm flower-scented air wafting through the windows and, I have to say, it lives up to its cliched hype.
After lunch, we headed out on a snorkeling trip. The expedition was led by Captain Chris and Jordan, a Guana Island staff member who has worked for many years as a professional fisherman, and we were joined by our friend Drew.
Chris parked the boat a little way from Monkey Point, taught us how to prepare the masks with detergent, and showed us how to fit the masks properly. In the water, we were given pool noodles so we could spend more time in the water without worrying too much about wearing ourselves out.
The water was a little chilly at first, and the visibility was not brilliant owing to the wind. Once we got closer to Monkey Point, the visibility improved and Aaron and I started to see what all the fuss over snorkeling/diving was all about. We saw several different corals, schools of silver bait fish diving in and out of the water, trumpet fish, rainbow trout, blue tangs, and even a barracuda. Jordan, our resident fisherman, kept declaring he wished he had a line as some hefty looking yellowtails kept swimming by.
After lunch, we headed out on a snorkeling trip. The expedition was led by Captain Chris and Jordan, a Guana Island staff member who has worked for many years as a professional fisherman, and we were joined by our friend Drew.
Chris parked the boat a little way from Monkey Point, taught us how to prepare the masks with detergent, and showed us how to fit the masks properly. In the water, we were given pool noodles so we could spend more time in the water without worrying too much about wearing ourselves out.
The water was a little chilly at first, and the visibility was not brilliant owing to the wind. Once we got closer to Monkey Point, the visibility improved and Aaron and I started to see what all the fuss over snorkeling/diving was all about. We saw several different corals, schools of silver bait fish diving in and out of the water, trumpet fish, rainbow trout, blue tangs, and even a barracuda. Jordan, our resident fisherman, kept declaring he wished he had a line as some hefty looking yellowtails kept swimming by.
Snorkelling at Monkey Point. My mask was being fixed when this photo was taken.
Back at the beach, it was novel reading and piña colada time.
In the evening we enjoyed hors d’oeuvres with our friends, and were seated at the largest table to share dinner with a group of people who have all been coming back to Guana on an annual basis for some twenty years. Our meal consisted of sweet pea soup, carrot salad (served with fresh fruit and micro greens from the orchard), halibut with fresh vegetables, and finished off with sweet cheese.
Sunday was Castaway Picnic day. We were taken by boat to Bigelow Beach and left for four hours to our own devices with a large picnic hamper and cooler. We set up the picnic under the shade of the sea grapes, and headed into the water for a snorkel. We saw more trumpet fish, bait fish, some beautiful fan-shaped corals, and Aaron spotted the tail of a moray eel. After our swim, we savored cheeses, prosciutto, salami, crusty bread smeared with olive oil, tortilla, fresh fruit, and some sweet white wine. Tres romantic and luxurious!
In the evening we enjoyed hors d’oeuvres with our friends, and were seated at the largest table to share dinner with a group of people who have all been coming back to Guana on an annual basis for some twenty years. Our meal consisted of sweet pea soup, carrot salad (served with fresh fruit and micro greens from the orchard), halibut with fresh vegetables, and finished off with sweet cheese.
Sunday was Castaway Picnic day. We were taken by boat to Bigelow Beach and left for four hours to our own devices with a large picnic hamper and cooler. We set up the picnic under the shade of the sea grapes, and headed into the water for a snorkel. We saw more trumpet fish, bait fish, some beautiful fan-shaped corals, and Aaron spotted the tail of a moray eel. After our swim, we savored cheeses, prosciutto, salami, crusty bread smeared with olive oil, tortilla, fresh fruit, and some sweet white wine. Tres romantic and luxurious!
We were left here on our own for four hours. The suffering.
Back on the main beach, I consumed my daily coconut and a piña colada.
In the afternoon, we decided to hike Long Man’s Trail down to Chicken Rock. The hike promised beautiful views of the island, and it delivered. The terrain was different again from the previous two hikes. Some sections were more open, rockier and dotted with cacti. Other sections were denser and more forest-like. In one section we came across a kaleidoscope of orange and black butterflies fluttering about. They were so full of color, so light, so whimsical, it was quite emotional watching them flit in and out of the trees. A little ways on, we came across yet another kaleidoscope of butterflies, this time yellow and black and with different patterns to the orange butterflies. We spotted lone white moths dancing through the air, and a beautiful iridescent green-grey moth hanging out on a leaf.
In the afternoon, we decided to hike Long Man’s Trail down to Chicken Rock. The hike promised beautiful views of the island, and it delivered. The terrain was different again from the previous two hikes. Some sections were more open, rockier and dotted with cacti. Other sections were denser and more forest-like. In one section we came across a kaleidoscope of orange and black butterflies fluttering about. They were so full of color, so light, so whimsical, it was quite emotional watching them flit in and out of the trees. A little ways on, we came across yet another kaleidoscope of butterflies, this time yellow and black and with different patterns to the orange butterflies. We spotted lone white moths dancing through the air, and a beautiful iridescent green-grey moth hanging out on a leaf.
View from Long Man's Trail
We didn’t make it all the way to Chicken Rock, because we realized the sun was starting to set. We arrived back near the main house to a lovely west-facing garden called the Garden of Eden where we were able to enjoy an incredible view of the sinking sun.
An hour later, we were noshing on hors d’oeuvres with our friends and sitting down to our last dinner on the island. Pumpkin soup, tomato and mozzarella salad (served with strawberries and pine nuts, amazing), dorade with grilled vegetables and duck breast with quinoa, and apple financier for dessert.
Monday morning was heart-breaking. How could we leave our island paradise? How would I cope without my daily coconut infusion? Not to mention that Richmond was -10C…
An hour later, we were noshing on hors d’oeuvres with our friends and sitting down to our last dinner on the island. Pumpkin soup, tomato and mozzarella salad (served with strawberries and pine nuts, amazing), dorade with grilled vegetables and duck breast with quinoa, and apple financier for dessert.
Monday morning was heart-breaking. How could we leave our island paradise? How would I cope without my daily coconut infusion? Not to mention that Richmond was -10C…
One of four resident giant tortoises
We did one last hike, this time down to the beach on the other side of the island. We also visited the island’s resident giant tortoises. We spent our last couple of island hours drinking fresh coconut and piña coladas on the beach, and then it was time to go home.
We boarded the boat, and waved goodbye to Guana Island. We each threw a red hibiscus into the water, hoping the flower would return to shore. If the theory behind the tradition is true, a flower returning the beach means we will also return...
We are incredibly grateful to the Sloan Kettering Dream Team and their amazing generosity for making our dream honeymoon come true. It was a very special way to start 2017.
We boarded the boat, and waved goodbye to Guana Island. We each threw a red hibiscus into the water, hoping the flower would return to shore. If the theory behind the tradition is true, a flower returning the beach means we will also return...
We are incredibly grateful to the Sloan Kettering Dream Team and their amazing generosity for making our dream honeymoon come true. It was a very special way to start 2017.
- Published on
January began in Richmond
We went to the Festival of Lights at the Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens
Saw Rodin at the VMFA
Danced at Rachel and Russel’s wedding
We saw the Harlem Gospel Choir
I went to BroadwayCon with Veronica
In February I worked full-time
I saw Allegiance, The Woodsman, Disaster!
Went to the opening night of Smart People
Spoke at a Cycle for Survival event
In March
I saw Daddy Long Legs, An American in Paris, Undrown’d, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, and Dear Evan Hansen (twice)
Started my vaccinations
(re)Started singing lessons
Went to the Easter Parade on Fifth Ave
In April
I re-connected with Dinny and went back to the circus
Yaui came to visit
I saw Young Benjamin Banneker, Sleeping Beauty and the Beast, Shows for Days and
Met Patti LuPone and thanked her for her note.
I tried to start running again
Passover at the Fleisher’s
Started work on the Filmed Live Musicals project
Plagued by anxiety and depression and low energy
May was depression. Shows. Work.
The Robber Bridegroom, Fiddler on the Roof, Cassandra, American Psycho
I spoke at a CancerCare fundraiser
Fell in love with Maine and entertained serious fantasies about moving to a remote island and living in a lighthouse to write.
Fernando and Janine, and Keith visited New York
In June
We watched the Tonys with Annie and Marc
I saw Waitress, The Color Purple and the closing night of Daddy Long Legs
Had a panic attack during an MRI
Discovered I do not have neuropathy (still unclear why I get tingling in my legs and feet, or why my legs and feet cramp at irregular intervals)
Sent off my green card renewal application
Headed to camp
July
Floated down a river on a giant plastic tube
Taught voice lessons galore
Worked on Assassins and fell in love with Sondheim all over again
Delighted at Ghostbusters
Re-sent green card renewal application
August
Went to Falconridge Folk Festival
Went camping in the woods, saw a bear
Conducted my first musical - Urinetown
Visited FoCo and remembered how much I loved living there.
Cycled again for the first time in two years, and remembered how much I love cycling.
September
Back to full-time work
Fingerprints and eye scan for green card renewal application
Turned 32 on a sugar high, powered by an overdose on fairy bread, chocolate crackles, and a wide assortment of Australian chocolates including tim tams and aero bars, and surrounded by wonderful friends
I saw Waitress (again), and Chicago
Started singing with the Cecilia Chorus of New York
Ella’s Atlas Obscura book launch with Miren
October
Full-time work that I didn't love
Teaching voice, taking voice and piano
Absolute Beginner tap class at Broadway Dance Center
Started working with a personal trainer
Performed with the Queer Urban Orchestra singing Mozart’s Ave Verum Corpus
Walked across the Brooklyn Bridge and ate pizza in Dumbo with Deb
Watched Tom perform in the finale of the 30th Anniversary performance of Phantom of the Opera in the West End livestream
Saw Sunday in the Park with George
Quit my full-time job
Got a job house managing a new kids show
Passed the test to be a fire guard in a theatre
November
Finally saw Hamilton, on election night
Got mad at Trump for taking away from my enjoyment of Hamilton
Worked a 70 hour week without overtime
Got fired.
Job interviews and applications galore
My birthday bike arrived
Cycled through Prospect Park and fell in love with fall
Cycled down the boardwalk at Coney Island with Paul and Naomi
Signed up with Central Casting and landed background work on Law and Order: SVU, Orange is the New Black, and Power
Spent Thanksgiving with Jesse and Brenda in Ocean City. Moana, amazing food, and excellent company. Running along the beach.
Saw In Transit
December
I got to have a head shot session in the park with Kurt
EN&T appointment - seeing my own vocal cords for the first time
I saw the cinema screenings of Allegiance and She Loves Me and watched the livestream of Bright Star in Concert
I saw The Hard Nut and Paramour
Started auditioning again
Performed at Carnegie Hall with the Cecilia Chorus
Finally got a job in a Broadway house, working as an usher
In between, we shopped at the farmers market and cooked at home. We watched The Good Wife, Jane the Virgin, Cleverman, West World, Bojack Horseman, Mozart in the Jungle, and Last Week Tonight. We worked sporadically on the puzzle.
I researched filmed live musicals and worked on the movie musical project (49 posts, I finally finished 1929!).
I tried to keep running.
I kept journalling. I wrote morning pages and meditated.
I read twenty novels written by women from all over the world.
I started reading a play a day.
I played piano, and kept working on my singing. I played a little flute. A little ukulele.
I was increcibly lucky. Despite the depressing politics, and the immensely tragic awful happenings around the globe, in my own little corner, I was loved and held and supported. Through depression and job loss and on-going cancer recovery, I had a wonderful human by my side. I felt enveloped in love by my family. I have incredible friends. I got to work and play in my dream city.
On the last day of the year, I finally feel like myself again. I am myself for the first time.
Onwards.
We went to the Festival of Lights at the Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens
Saw Rodin at the VMFA
Danced at Rachel and Russel’s wedding
We saw the Harlem Gospel Choir
I went to BroadwayCon with Veronica
In February I worked full-time
I saw Allegiance, The Woodsman, Disaster!
Went to the opening night of Smart People
Spoke at a Cycle for Survival event
In March
I saw Daddy Long Legs, An American in Paris, Undrown’d, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, and Dear Evan Hansen (twice)
Started my vaccinations
(re)Started singing lessons
Went to the Easter Parade on Fifth Ave
In April
I re-connected with Dinny and went back to the circus
Yaui came to visit
I saw Young Benjamin Banneker, Sleeping Beauty and the Beast, Shows for Days and
Met Patti LuPone and thanked her for her note.
I tried to start running again
Passover at the Fleisher’s
Started work on the Filmed Live Musicals project
Plagued by anxiety and depression and low energy
May was depression. Shows. Work.
The Robber Bridegroom, Fiddler on the Roof, Cassandra, American Psycho
I spoke at a CancerCare fundraiser
Fell in love with Maine and entertained serious fantasies about moving to a remote island and living in a lighthouse to write.
Fernando and Janine, and Keith visited New York
In June
We watched the Tonys with Annie and Marc
I saw Waitress, The Color Purple and the closing night of Daddy Long Legs
Had a panic attack during an MRI
Discovered I do not have neuropathy (still unclear why I get tingling in my legs and feet, or why my legs and feet cramp at irregular intervals)
Sent off my green card renewal application
Headed to camp
July
Floated down a river on a giant plastic tube
Taught voice lessons galore
Worked on Assassins and fell in love with Sondheim all over again
Delighted at Ghostbusters
Re-sent green card renewal application
August
Went to Falconridge Folk Festival
Went camping in the woods, saw a bear
Conducted my first musical - Urinetown
Visited FoCo and remembered how much I loved living there.
Cycled again for the first time in two years, and remembered how much I love cycling.
September
Back to full-time work
Fingerprints and eye scan for green card renewal application
Turned 32 on a sugar high, powered by an overdose on fairy bread, chocolate crackles, and a wide assortment of Australian chocolates including tim tams and aero bars, and surrounded by wonderful friends
I saw Waitress (again), and Chicago
Started singing with the Cecilia Chorus of New York
Ella’s Atlas Obscura book launch with Miren
October
Full-time work that I didn't love
Teaching voice, taking voice and piano
Absolute Beginner tap class at Broadway Dance Center
Started working with a personal trainer
Performed with the Queer Urban Orchestra singing Mozart’s Ave Verum Corpus
Walked across the Brooklyn Bridge and ate pizza in Dumbo with Deb
Watched Tom perform in the finale of the 30th Anniversary performance of Phantom of the Opera in the West End livestream
Saw Sunday in the Park with George
Quit my full-time job
Got a job house managing a new kids show
Passed the test to be a fire guard in a theatre
November
Finally saw Hamilton, on election night
Got mad at Trump for taking away from my enjoyment of Hamilton
Worked a 70 hour week without overtime
Got fired.
Job interviews and applications galore
My birthday bike arrived
Cycled through Prospect Park and fell in love with fall
Cycled down the boardwalk at Coney Island with Paul and Naomi
Signed up with Central Casting and landed background work on Law and Order: SVU, Orange is the New Black, and Power
Spent Thanksgiving with Jesse and Brenda in Ocean City. Moana, amazing food, and excellent company. Running along the beach.
Saw In Transit
December
I got to have a head shot session in the park with Kurt
EN&T appointment - seeing my own vocal cords for the first time
I saw the cinema screenings of Allegiance and She Loves Me and watched the livestream of Bright Star in Concert
I saw The Hard Nut and Paramour
Started auditioning again
Performed at Carnegie Hall with the Cecilia Chorus
Finally got a job in a Broadway house, working as an usher
In between, we shopped at the farmers market and cooked at home. We watched The Good Wife, Jane the Virgin, Cleverman, West World, Bojack Horseman, Mozart in the Jungle, and Last Week Tonight. We worked sporadically on the puzzle.
I researched filmed live musicals and worked on the movie musical project (49 posts, I finally finished 1929!).
I tried to keep running.
I kept journalling. I wrote morning pages and meditated.
I read twenty novels written by women from all over the world.
I started reading a play a day.
I played piano, and kept working on my singing. I played a little flute. A little ukulele.
I was increcibly lucky. Despite the depressing politics, and the immensely tragic awful happenings around the globe, in my own little corner, I was loved and held and supported. Through depression and job loss and on-going cancer recovery, I had a wonderful human by my side. I felt enveloped in love by my family. I have incredible friends. I got to work and play in my dream city.
On the last day of the year, I finally feel like myself again. I am myself for the first time.
Onwards.
- Published on
Work-wise
I’ve had some hiccups over the past year
Getting back into work has been harder than I expected
Post-cancer
My attitude to work has changed
I’m less willing to put up with bullshit
When a work situation has less-than-ideal, but changeable
I have said something
Life is too short for shit...
It has not always gone well
After a series of winding roads
A couple of accidental wrong turns
And much sighing and wondering why getting a decently paid job doing what you love is so damn hard
I’m finally doing what I want to be doing
Being a performer in New York City
I’m auditioning again
And singing
And learning piano
And teaching voice
I signed up as an extra with Central Casting
Law and Order SVU (I can finally call myself a New York actress!)
Orange is the New Black
Power
It’s fun being on set
Seeing how it all works
Hanging out with the other extras in holding
Discussing the pro’s and con’s of “being union”
Sharing our lives from the outside world
It’s not glamorous
Sitting for hours in an audition waiting room
Or standing outside in early December pretending that it’s summer
(Those little pocket hand-warmer things are a godsend)
The instability of the work
The terrible pay
The constant striving to be better
But after such a long wait, it’s wonderful to be
Back in the game and
Playing.
I’ve had some hiccups over the past year
Getting back into work has been harder than I expected
Post-cancer
My attitude to work has changed
I’m less willing to put up with bullshit
When a work situation has less-than-ideal, but changeable
I have said something
Life is too short for shit...
It has not always gone well
After a series of winding roads
A couple of accidental wrong turns
And much sighing and wondering why getting a decently paid job doing what you love is so damn hard
I’m finally doing what I want to be doing
Being a performer in New York City
I’m auditioning again
And singing
And learning piano
And teaching voice
I signed up as an extra with Central Casting
Law and Order SVU (I can finally call myself a New York actress!)
Orange is the New Black
Power
It’s fun being on set
Seeing how it all works
Hanging out with the other extras in holding
Discussing the pro’s and con’s of “being union”
Sharing our lives from the outside world
It’s not glamorous
Sitting for hours in an audition waiting room
Or standing outside in early December pretending that it’s summer
(Those little pocket hand-warmer things are a godsend)
The instability of the work
The terrible pay
The constant striving to be better
But after such a long wait, it’s wonderful to be
Back in the game and
Playing.
- Published on
Before enlightenment
Doing the dishes
After enlightenment
Doing the dishes
Before cancer
Doing the work
After cancer
Doing the work
Do the lip trills and the scales
Put pen to paper
Do the drills and put on your sneakers
Do the work
And the breathing
Always with the breathing
Without your breath you’re dead
So breathe just breathe just breathe
Find inspiration
Inspire
Literally from the Latin
in + spirare, ”to breathe"
Being ok with starting again
But you’re not at the beginning
It may seem like the same spot
But actually, you’re on a different arm of the spiral
Are you spiraling up or down or in or out?
The old work informs the new work
Learning is never wasted
Everything you experience informs the next moment
Informs the work
The work to be well
To be fit
To sing and dance and write
To breathe
Always with the breathing
Before you start
Breathe
Before you end
Breathe
Breathe just breathe
Be here and
Do the work
Before enlightenment
Doing the dishes
After enlightenment
Doing the dishes
Doing the dishes
After enlightenment
Doing the dishes
Before cancer
Doing the work
After cancer
Doing the work
Do the lip trills and the scales
Put pen to paper
Do the drills and put on your sneakers
Do the work
And the breathing
Always with the breathing
Without your breath you’re dead
So breathe just breathe just breathe
Find inspiration
Inspire
Literally from the Latin
in + spirare, ”to breathe"
Being ok with starting again
But you’re not at the beginning
It may seem like the same spot
But actually, you’re on a different arm of the spiral
Are you spiraling up or down or in or out?
The old work informs the new work
Learning is never wasted
Everything you experience informs the next moment
Informs the work
The work to be well
To be fit
To sing and dance and write
To breathe
Always with the breathing
Before you start
Breathe
Before you end
Breathe
Breathe just breathe
Be here and
Do the work
Before enlightenment
Doing the dishes
After enlightenment
Doing the dishes
- Published on
I’m back at the gym. As I write this, post-workout, I have reflux, I feel exhausted, and I’m embarrassed at how unfit I’ve become. Two-and-a-half years ago I was running 10km three times a week goddamn it! And now I’m starting all over again. Except now it’s harder because Stupid Cancer, stupid thyroid, stupid debilitating effects of treatment.
Erin, my new trainer, puts me through my paces. I struggle. It is DIFFICULT. I try to focus on my goals. I’m getting show fit! Half-marathon! Cycle to work! I am a glistening warrior crushing my goals.
The goals feel overwhelming. I am not a glistening warrior. I am a sweaty heffalump with swamp butt.
I try to focus on the present moment. Just get through this crunch/squat/plank/minute of pedaling! A little voice says to me, “Come on! You’re a cancer survivor! You can do this!"
I cannot do this. Remember how all through Stupid Cancer I just wanted to curl up and die?
It is grueling, but I get through the session. Erin is encouraging and lovely. Everything burns.
I have a shower. I eat food. The post-workout endorphins kick in, and my inner voice says “Next round bitchez.”
Erin, my new trainer, puts me through my paces. I struggle. It is DIFFICULT. I try to focus on my goals. I’m getting show fit! Half-marathon! Cycle to work! I am a glistening warrior crushing my goals.
The goals feel overwhelming. I am not a glistening warrior. I am a sweaty heffalump with swamp butt.
I try to focus on the present moment. Just get through this crunch/squat/plank/minute of pedaling! A little voice says to me, “Come on! You’re a cancer survivor! You can do this!"
I cannot do this. Remember how all through Stupid Cancer I just wanted to curl up and die?
It is grueling, but I get through the session. Erin is encouraging and lovely. Everything burns.
I have a shower. I eat food. The post-workout endorphins kick in, and my inner voice says “Next round bitchez.”
- Published on
I had the most wonderful dream
I went back to camp
And spent entire days teaching voice
And singing and playing piano
I hung out with some of the loveliest, funniest, most talented humans
Who inspired me every day with their creative energy and output
I floated down a river in a giant plastic tube
I sat in on auditions and casting
And felt like an important and valued member of the team
I sang in the Music Shed staff band and we started a spontaneous dance party with our version of Shut Up and Dance!
I worked on Assassins and became re-obsessed with Sondheim’s goddamn brilliance
Every note is important
Contributes to the telling of the story
The creation of character
I sat under stage lights at 1.30 in the morning and, despite having been up since 7.30am the previous day, felt alive and happy and at home
I taught voice lessons to over thirty campers
And three staff members
We did scales and breath control
Sang pop and musical theatre songs
A privilege and a joy to help people find their voices
I worked on Urinetown and fell in love with conducting
A whole new kind of performing (to me at least)
Feeling like a total beginner
Being hungry to learn more
And instead of feeling terrified and anxious by not knowing
Being inspired by it
It was the hottest summer I can remember
With afternoons so humid you felt like you would melt into the pavement
In the heat we taught and sang and danced and schlepped instruments across camp
Right up until the first day
I wasn’t sure I could actually do it
For months I had had ongoing aches and pains
All unexplained and infuriating
I was tired and depressed
And then we drove up
Buck’s Rock Road
And it all fell away
This summer
I tripped the light fantastic
Finally found my old self
But she was different
Better
I remembered what it was that we wanted
In the blink of an eye
We were back home in Brooklyn
And the green woods felt like
A beautiful, wonderful dream
The end.
I went back to camp
And spent entire days teaching voice
And singing and playing piano
I hung out with some of the loveliest, funniest, most talented humans
Who inspired me every day with their creative energy and output
I floated down a river in a giant plastic tube
I sat in on auditions and casting
And felt like an important and valued member of the team
I sang in the Music Shed staff band and we started a spontaneous dance party with our version of Shut Up and Dance!
I worked on Assassins and became re-obsessed with Sondheim’s goddamn brilliance
Every note is important
Contributes to the telling of the story
The creation of character
I sat under stage lights at 1.30 in the morning and, despite having been up since 7.30am the previous day, felt alive and happy and at home
I taught voice lessons to over thirty campers
And three staff members
We did scales and breath control
Sang pop and musical theatre songs
A privilege and a joy to help people find their voices
I worked on Urinetown and fell in love with conducting
A whole new kind of performing (to me at least)
Feeling like a total beginner
Being hungry to learn more
And instead of feeling terrified and anxious by not knowing
Being inspired by it
It was the hottest summer I can remember
With afternoons so humid you felt like you would melt into the pavement
In the heat we taught and sang and danced and schlepped instruments across camp
Right up until the first day
I wasn’t sure I could actually do it
For months I had had ongoing aches and pains
All unexplained and infuriating
I was tired and depressed
And then we drove up
Buck’s Rock Road
And it all fell away
This summer
I tripped the light fantastic
Finally found my old self
But she was different
Better
I remembered what it was that we wanted
In the blink of an eye
We were back home in Brooklyn
And the green woods felt like
A beautiful, wonderful dream
The end.
- Published on
I left Australia five years ago today
The “five year plan” was this:
Go to drama school
Graduate
Work in London
Meet an English-American
Move to New York
Re-assess where I want to be, and figure out next five years.
If I could talk to you/me/us
In that moment when you’re sitting on the plane
Full of excitement and expectation and hope
What would I say to you? What would you want to know?
I think of Abuelo
Standing on the deck of the P&O Iberia
Leaning against the railing as
Sydney Harbour comes into view
Imagining his life in Australia
Believing that this would be the final destination for his family
When he got sick
Did he think about that moment?
Had his life turned out the way he imagined?
I never thought to ask until now
When I left Australia
I didn’t expect to fall in love so quickly
At the end of the summer Aaron produced a small white box and (unbeknownst to him)
I completely freaked out
Convinced he was about to propose
I was not ready, not even remotely interested in marriage
I was moving to London and going to drama school and I wasn’t about to let a boy get in the way of that
The box contained a pair of earrings
Handmade by one of our friends, a pair of
Beautiful little wasps on nets of honeycomb
They’re still one of my favorite accessories
Aaron didn’t know about the momentary freak out
Until a week or so ago
But first there was London and drama school
Wearing black every day
Finding neutral, and finding center
Learning plosives and fricatives and voiced and unvoiced sounds
Learning about resonance and keeping the larynx high and the importance of being warm
Learning resilience and defeat and gaining and losing my self esteem
Learning to be an effective tree
Learning Sunday in the Park with George and falling in love with that gorgeous rich sumptuous and incredible music and figuring that there must be as many dots in the score as there were in the painting
Going to drama school in a recession was
The best of times and
The worst
Without a job to pay the bills
I was ready to drop out
It was either school fees or rent
Then I was granted a scholarship
There was my aunt, who became my London Mum
L’Mum, as I now call her
And spending my twenty-seventh birthday walking around Highgate Cemetery and seeing a play about 9/11 and eating delicious pizza
Being treated to wonderful dinners and walks along the canals
There was flat-hunting as a foreigner in London
Visiting dingy flats with mouldy walls
And showers next to the bed
A shared toilet in the hallway
And being told I needed to give up half my life-savings for the privilege of living there
There was my tiny room in Clandon Gardens
With its double glazed windows
Room for a bed, and a desk, and not much else
Where one night, delirious from hours of studying
I raced outside and danced in the snow instead of going to bed
It was where Aaron and I spent our first Christmas together
We made polvoron and had Christmas Eve dinner at a pub in Islington
And I learnt that Christmas didn’t have to be stressful
On Christmas Day we stayed home
And watched Firefly and ate Wensleydale cheese
A chance encounter on the tube
Led me to a kindred spirit
And living in a room of my own
In Willesden Green
I had a window seat, and room to twirl in, space to sing and flute
And a huge park just down the road for running in
Speaking of a room of one’s own
Walking the streets once paced by
Virginia Woolf and Mary Wollstonecraft
I immersed myself in feminism
And read my way through the feminist canon
I lived in a 400-year-old house in Ruislip
Ran to the Lido and borrowed books from the library in the converted barn
After a year of listening obsessively to MusicalTalk
I got to be a guest presenter
And became friends with the person who started it all
I saw Idina Menzel and Marvin Hamlisch in concert
And met Sir Tim Rice, who extended his hand and said
“I’m Tim”
I saw Liza Minelli
And Alanis Morrissette and
The Cat Empire and
A Chorus Line, A Doll’s House, Matilda, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Light Princess, and Shrek
Much Ado, Rock of Ages, War Horse, and Phantom
Top Hat, Legally Blonde, Betty Blue Eyes, and Loserville
I saw tiny brand new musicals in black box theatres above pubs
And a wonderful re-telling of Arabian Nights
I saw Grounded at the Gate Theatre, and did a workshop with the actor
I wandered through Carnaby St and the twisting, winding alleyways that make up central London
I fell in love with Neal’s Yard and drank chocolate smoothies and bought hand-made soap
I ate haloumi burgers in Brick Lane
And salad from Food for Thought in Covent Garden
I visited the Globe
Stonehenge and St. Paul’s
Bath, Bristol, Brighton and Cardiff
In Oxford, I sat in the sun with Australian friends and watched the rowing
We went to the Shri Swaminarayan Mandir, one of the largest Hindu temples outside of India
Mum took me to Geneva
And flew me to Lanzarote for Vicky’s fortieth
I applied for a job at a supermarket
And was told that 30 hours a week now constituted “part-time”
I trialled at a café where I spent three hours serving customers and clearing tables to be told the manager had changed her mind about needing someone extra, and refused to pay me
I eventually got work at Winter Wonderland
£6 an hour to sit in the freezing cold selling tickets in £5 denominations
I ushered at Central and smiled sweetly for wealthy patrons
When drama school was over, I temped in offices across London
Answering phones for the giants in finance, publishing, and media
The best job was ushering at the Cambridge and getting paid
To watch Matilda eight times a week
I went back to camp
It felt like going home
I discovered the joy of teaching and
Saw Yo-Yo Ma performing at Tanglewood
I walked a labyrinth
Your boy is walking ahead of you
He is walking at a slower pace
He has internalized mindfulness
He does it as a matter of course
Your fall into his rhythm
And breathe
We drove across America together and
I fell in love with Fort Collins
We went to the stupa for my birthday and had a picnic in the park
With market wine and cheese and bread
I spent my second Christmas with Aaron,
My first with his family in Richmond
When I arrived after a long day of travel
Aaron and Jesse had strung fairy lights across the porch
We had “Jewish Christmas”
Watched a movie and ate Chinese food
Aaron and I decided to get married
I waited impatiently for my fiancé visa
Quit my job at the Cambridge
And walked across Spain (again)
I arrived in Fort Collins at the beginning of winter
OpenStage and Old Town
Happy Heart and Wolverine Farm
My first Shakespeare
Volunteering and cycling and, best of all
Being with my love, at last
We packed up the car and drove east
Said goodbye to Ruth
My skin broke out in acne and I felt impossibly tired
And then it was Cancer
And Recovering from Cancer
Depression reared its ugly head and consumed me whole
I flew back to Australia
To say goodbye to Abuela
Sydney felt like an overgrown country town
Coming home to New York was a relief
We said goodbye to Jake
I was able to work again
I went to shows galore
I went to counseling
We visited Maine
And here you are.
Dear Me five years ago,
You go to drama school
You graduate (it feels weird)
You work in London
You meet an American
You move to New York
Right now you don't know it, but all of this happens and more
You fall in love with an American
Who is an atheist descended from communist Jews
Who doesn’t eat vegetables
Is a wonderful cook
And is the most patient, kind, loving and wonderful human you can ever imagine
You love and hate London
You are poor
You live in different parts of the city and are continually amazed by its size and history and beauty
You walk the Camino (again)
You haven’t heard of it yet, but you live in Fort Collins, Colorado. It’s beautiful.
You get sick. The sickest you have ever been, and it’s going to suck.
You get better. It’s going to be a slog, but it happens. And the heaviness and tiredness and depression get easier (I think).
You say goodbye to Abuela
You are in the room when she passes away
And it will be peaceful and beautiful and sad
You live in New York
In Brooklyn specifically – your neighborhood is awesome
You are loved and cared for and held by extraordinary people
And one day,
Five years from now
You will be sitting in an office in Manhattan, around the corner from Grand Central
(Yep, you work there!)
And you will reflect on all that has happened between now and then
All the people you have met
The places you have seen
The things that have made your heart sing and be light
And you will laugh at your Five Year Plan
And wonder
What’s next?
The “five year plan” was this:
Go to drama school
Graduate
Work in London
Meet an English-American
Move to New York
Re-assess where I want to be, and figure out next five years.
If I could talk to you/me/us
In that moment when you’re sitting on the plane
Full of excitement and expectation and hope
What would I say to you? What would you want to know?
I think of Abuelo
Standing on the deck of the P&O Iberia
Leaning against the railing as
Sydney Harbour comes into view
Imagining his life in Australia
Believing that this would be the final destination for his family
When he got sick
Did he think about that moment?
Had his life turned out the way he imagined?
I never thought to ask until now
When I left Australia
I didn’t expect to fall in love so quickly
At the end of the summer Aaron produced a small white box and (unbeknownst to him)
I completely freaked out
Convinced he was about to propose
I was not ready, not even remotely interested in marriage
I was moving to London and going to drama school and I wasn’t about to let a boy get in the way of that
The box contained a pair of earrings
Handmade by one of our friends, a pair of
Beautiful little wasps on nets of honeycomb
They’re still one of my favorite accessories
Aaron didn’t know about the momentary freak out
Until a week or so ago
But first there was London and drama school
Wearing black every day
Finding neutral, and finding center
Learning plosives and fricatives and voiced and unvoiced sounds
Learning about resonance and keeping the larynx high and the importance of being warm
Learning resilience and defeat and gaining and losing my self esteem
Learning to be an effective tree
Learning Sunday in the Park with George and falling in love with that gorgeous rich sumptuous and incredible music and figuring that there must be as many dots in the score as there were in the painting
Going to drama school in a recession was
The best of times and
The worst
Without a job to pay the bills
I was ready to drop out
It was either school fees or rent
Then I was granted a scholarship
There was my aunt, who became my London Mum
L’Mum, as I now call her
And spending my twenty-seventh birthday walking around Highgate Cemetery and seeing a play about 9/11 and eating delicious pizza
Being treated to wonderful dinners and walks along the canals
There was flat-hunting as a foreigner in London
Visiting dingy flats with mouldy walls
And showers next to the bed
A shared toilet in the hallway
And being told I needed to give up half my life-savings for the privilege of living there
There was my tiny room in Clandon Gardens
With its double glazed windows
Room for a bed, and a desk, and not much else
Where one night, delirious from hours of studying
I raced outside and danced in the snow instead of going to bed
It was where Aaron and I spent our first Christmas together
We made polvoron and had Christmas Eve dinner at a pub in Islington
And I learnt that Christmas didn’t have to be stressful
On Christmas Day we stayed home
And watched Firefly and ate Wensleydale cheese
A chance encounter on the tube
Led me to a kindred spirit
And living in a room of my own
In Willesden Green
I had a window seat, and room to twirl in, space to sing and flute
And a huge park just down the road for running in
Speaking of a room of one’s own
Walking the streets once paced by
Virginia Woolf and Mary Wollstonecraft
I immersed myself in feminism
And read my way through the feminist canon
I lived in a 400-year-old house in Ruislip
Ran to the Lido and borrowed books from the library in the converted barn
After a year of listening obsessively to MusicalTalk
I got to be a guest presenter
And became friends with the person who started it all
I saw Idina Menzel and Marvin Hamlisch in concert
And met Sir Tim Rice, who extended his hand and said
“I’m Tim”
I saw Liza Minelli
And Alanis Morrissette and
The Cat Empire and
A Chorus Line, A Doll’s House, Matilda, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Light Princess, and Shrek
Much Ado, Rock of Ages, War Horse, and Phantom
Top Hat, Legally Blonde, Betty Blue Eyes, and Loserville
I saw tiny brand new musicals in black box theatres above pubs
And a wonderful re-telling of Arabian Nights
I saw Grounded at the Gate Theatre, and did a workshop with the actor
I wandered through Carnaby St and the twisting, winding alleyways that make up central London
I fell in love with Neal’s Yard and drank chocolate smoothies and bought hand-made soap
I ate haloumi burgers in Brick Lane
And salad from Food for Thought in Covent Garden
I visited the Globe
Stonehenge and St. Paul’s
Bath, Bristol, Brighton and Cardiff
In Oxford, I sat in the sun with Australian friends and watched the rowing
We went to the Shri Swaminarayan Mandir, one of the largest Hindu temples outside of India
Mum took me to Geneva
And flew me to Lanzarote for Vicky’s fortieth
I applied for a job at a supermarket
And was told that 30 hours a week now constituted “part-time”
I trialled at a café where I spent three hours serving customers and clearing tables to be told the manager had changed her mind about needing someone extra, and refused to pay me
I eventually got work at Winter Wonderland
£6 an hour to sit in the freezing cold selling tickets in £5 denominations
I ushered at Central and smiled sweetly for wealthy patrons
When drama school was over, I temped in offices across London
Answering phones for the giants in finance, publishing, and media
The best job was ushering at the Cambridge and getting paid
To watch Matilda eight times a week
I went back to camp
It felt like going home
I discovered the joy of teaching and
Saw Yo-Yo Ma performing at Tanglewood
I walked a labyrinth
Your boy is walking ahead of you
He is walking at a slower pace
He has internalized mindfulness
He does it as a matter of course
Your fall into his rhythm
And breathe
We drove across America together and
I fell in love with Fort Collins
We went to the stupa for my birthday and had a picnic in the park
With market wine and cheese and bread
I spent my second Christmas with Aaron,
My first with his family in Richmond
When I arrived after a long day of travel
Aaron and Jesse had strung fairy lights across the porch
We had “Jewish Christmas”
Watched a movie and ate Chinese food
Aaron and I decided to get married
I waited impatiently for my fiancé visa
Quit my job at the Cambridge
And walked across Spain (again)
I arrived in Fort Collins at the beginning of winter
OpenStage and Old Town
Happy Heart and Wolverine Farm
My first Shakespeare
Volunteering and cycling and, best of all
Being with my love, at last
We packed up the car and drove east
Said goodbye to Ruth
My skin broke out in acne and I felt impossibly tired
And then it was Cancer
And Recovering from Cancer
Depression reared its ugly head and consumed me whole
I flew back to Australia
To say goodbye to Abuela
Sydney felt like an overgrown country town
Coming home to New York was a relief
We said goodbye to Jake
I was able to work again
I went to shows galore
I went to counseling
We visited Maine
And here you are.
Dear Me five years ago,
You go to drama school
You graduate (it feels weird)
You work in London
You meet an American
You move to New York
Right now you don't know it, but all of this happens and more
You fall in love with an American
Who is an atheist descended from communist Jews
Who doesn’t eat vegetables
Is a wonderful cook
And is the most patient, kind, loving and wonderful human you can ever imagine
You love and hate London
You are poor
You live in different parts of the city and are continually amazed by its size and history and beauty
You walk the Camino (again)
You haven’t heard of it yet, but you live in Fort Collins, Colorado. It’s beautiful.
You get sick. The sickest you have ever been, and it’s going to suck.
You get better. It’s going to be a slog, but it happens. And the heaviness and tiredness and depression get easier (I think).
You say goodbye to Abuela
You are in the room when she passes away
And it will be peaceful and beautiful and sad
You live in New York
In Brooklyn specifically – your neighborhood is awesome
You are loved and cared for and held by extraordinary people
And one day,
Five years from now
You will be sitting in an office in Manhattan, around the corner from Grand Central
(Yep, you work there!)
And you will reflect on all that has happened between now and then
All the people you have met
The places you have seen
The things that have made your heart sing and be light
And you will laugh at your Five Year Plan
And wonder
What’s next?
- Published on
Photo and pillow by the amazing Paula Fleischer
I alternate daily, even momentarily
Between embracing
Being a survivor
And shunning it completely
Choosing to be in denial that I ever had cancer at all
I still get furious
That a fit and healthy organic-eating vegetarian
Who never smoked
Rarely drank
Exercised and meditated
And at the age of 29
Got goddamn cancer
A cancer that normally affects men in their 60s
How was this possible?
Why did this happen?
And then there is
Survivor’s Guilt
Why did I survive?
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
I also have Survivor Jealousy
There are actors who had cancer
And they're on Broadway and television
And working and performing while having treatment
And I think
Fuck, I couldn't even walk during treatment and they're singing and dancing 8 times a week?!
Which I wholeheartedly understand and own as completely insane
No one has a good time going through cancer.
Cancer is horrible.
I still tire easily
I still have terrible, raging, crippling depression
I've lost my libido
And I want so much to just
Be Better
I don’t want to be recovering anymore
I just want to be well
And able
And fit
And not stacking on weight because my hormones are now post-menopausal
I want to be out auditioning
And singing
And going to classes
But just doing the 9-5
To pay the bills
Takes all my energy
And leaves me feeling miserable
I wasn’t like this Before.
I could cope
Work two jobs
Go to classes
And still do shows
And trip the light fantastic
Now it’s a miracle if I get out of bed and make it to work without crying
I’m a survivor
They say
You’re so lucky
An inspiration!
But I’m just treading water
Fearful that at any moment
The shark will attack
Again
The thought is terrifying
Every headache, every prolonged pain and moment of difficulty means
It’s back
Recurrence, relapse
Will I have to do this all over again?
So I pretend it’s not there
I’m totally fine
I book tickets for shows after work because
It’s only a show right? I can manage that
But I get home and my body is in so much pain
So fatigued and wiped out
All I can do is lie on the couch and try not to have a nervous breakdown that I simply
Am Not Ready
They told me
If all went all
Treatment would be done by Christmas
They didn’t tell me
The average recovery from a stem cell transplant
Is three to five years
I’m a year and a half out
I don’t know if I can wait another a year and a half
The getting better is so incremental
And I just want to be well
This process of being a survivor
Is fucking hard
I want to be (in the words of Elizabeth Gilbert)
Heliotropic
I want to turn my face to the light
And see the positive
See the good
Feel joyful that I’m alive
Life is like a rollercoaster they say
Like that bit in Parenthood
Where Steve Martin is freaking out and
Grandma tells the story where Grandpa once took her on a rollercoaster
“It was interesting to me
That a ride could make me so frightened
So scared, so sick,
So excited and so thrilled all together
Some didn’t like it
They went on the merry-go-round,
That just goes around
Nothing.
I like the rollercoaster.
You get more out of it.”
I want to be like Grandma
But right now I’m still Steve Martin
Having a panic attack
I want to be Steve Martin
Joyfully
Playing the entr’acte
In the Broadway show
I’ve written and crafted out of love
And sometimes I just have to remember
To Breathe, Just Breathe
The name of my own goddamn blog
Oh the irony
Yes, I’m in remission
I survived
Three rounds of chemo
And full body irradiation
And having my sister’s stem cells injected into me
And my nails falling off
And the skin of my feet cracking and peeling
And the contents of my stomach rising to my throat
The sensation that I’m falling
The sensation that I’m dying
My own blood turning against me
Attacking me from within
For reasons yet, or perhaps forever, unknown
I am a survivor
And some days I wish I wasn’t
But I’m trying
I am ok, really.
When I remember
A year ago I couldn’t even ride the subway
And now I do it five or six times a week!
I work full-time!
I’m taking piano lessons!
Yesterday I went to an art exhibit and had coffee and went out to a bar!
A year ago I could barely walk to the markets and back, forget carrying the shopping
Now I can do it, and still have the energy to meet a friend!
I have this gorgeous, wonderful
Incredibly patient and loving husband
Who has taken care of me through it all
Stroked my back when I was curled up next to the toilet bowl
Dressed me when my fingernails hurt so badly I couldn't do it myself
Driven me to appointments
Sat with me while I screamed and cried and railed against the unfairness that is this disease
And despite everything
He is by my side
And oh how I love him so.
This is life after cancer
I’m not a patient patient
I want to be a thousand percent better yesterday
I want to never have had stupid cancer in the first place
But I did
And here I am.
Between embracing
Being a survivor
And shunning it completely
Choosing to be in denial that I ever had cancer at all
I still get furious
That a fit and healthy organic-eating vegetarian
Who never smoked
Rarely drank
Exercised and meditated
And at the age of 29
Got goddamn cancer
A cancer that normally affects men in their 60s
How was this possible?
Why did this happen?
And then there is
Survivor’s Guilt
Why did I survive?
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
I also have Survivor Jealousy
There are actors who had cancer
And they're on Broadway and television
And working and performing while having treatment
And I think
Fuck, I couldn't even walk during treatment and they're singing and dancing 8 times a week?!
Which I wholeheartedly understand and own as completely insane
No one has a good time going through cancer.
Cancer is horrible.
I still tire easily
I still have terrible, raging, crippling depression
I've lost my libido
And I want so much to just
Be Better
I don’t want to be recovering anymore
I just want to be well
And able
And fit
And not stacking on weight because my hormones are now post-menopausal
I want to be out auditioning
And singing
And going to classes
But just doing the 9-5
To pay the bills
Takes all my energy
And leaves me feeling miserable
I wasn’t like this Before.
I could cope
Work two jobs
Go to classes
And still do shows
And trip the light fantastic
Now it’s a miracle if I get out of bed and make it to work without crying
I’m a survivor
They say
You’re so lucky
An inspiration!
But I’m just treading water
Fearful that at any moment
The shark will attack
Again
The thought is terrifying
Every headache, every prolonged pain and moment of difficulty means
It’s back
Recurrence, relapse
Will I have to do this all over again?
So I pretend it’s not there
I’m totally fine
I book tickets for shows after work because
It’s only a show right? I can manage that
But I get home and my body is in so much pain
So fatigued and wiped out
All I can do is lie on the couch and try not to have a nervous breakdown that I simply
Am Not Ready
They told me
If all went all
Treatment would be done by Christmas
They didn’t tell me
The average recovery from a stem cell transplant
Is three to five years
I’m a year and a half out
I don’t know if I can wait another a year and a half
The getting better is so incremental
And I just want to be well
This process of being a survivor
Is fucking hard
I want to be (in the words of Elizabeth Gilbert)
Heliotropic
I want to turn my face to the light
And see the positive
See the good
Feel joyful that I’m alive
Life is like a rollercoaster they say
Like that bit in Parenthood
Where Steve Martin is freaking out and
Grandma tells the story where Grandpa once took her on a rollercoaster
“It was interesting to me
That a ride could make me so frightened
So scared, so sick,
So excited and so thrilled all together
Some didn’t like it
They went on the merry-go-round,
That just goes around
Nothing.
I like the rollercoaster.
You get more out of it.”
I want to be like Grandma
But right now I’m still Steve Martin
Having a panic attack
I want to be Steve Martin
Joyfully
Playing the entr’acte
In the Broadway show
I’ve written and crafted out of love
And sometimes I just have to remember
To Breathe, Just Breathe
The name of my own goddamn blog
Oh the irony
Yes, I’m in remission
I survived
Three rounds of chemo
And full body irradiation
And having my sister’s stem cells injected into me
And my nails falling off
And the skin of my feet cracking and peeling
And the contents of my stomach rising to my throat
The sensation that I’m falling
The sensation that I’m dying
My own blood turning against me
Attacking me from within
For reasons yet, or perhaps forever, unknown
I am a survivor
And some days I wish I wasn’t
But I’m trying
I am ok, really.
When I remember
A year ago I couldn’t even ride the subway
And now I do it five or six times a week!
I work full-time!
I’m taking piano lessons!
Yesterday I went to an art exhibit and had coffee and went out to a bar!
A year ago I could barely walk to the markets and back, forget carrying the shopping
Now I can do it, and still have the energy to meet a friend!
I have this gorgeous, wonderful
Incredibly patient and loving husband
Who has taken care of me through it all
Stroked my back when I was curled up next to the toilet bowl
Dressed me when my fingernails hurt so badly I couldn't do it myself
Driven me to appointments
Sat with me while I screamed and cried and railed against the unfairness that is this disease
And despite everything
He is by my side
And oh how I love him so.
This is life after cancer
I’m not a patient patient
I want to be a thousand percent better yesterday
I want to never have had stupid cancer in the first place
But I did
And here I am.
- Published on
The track below the platform is a sea of
Bottles and plastic bags and old newspapers
A kid on the platform
Thirteen, or fourteen
Takes out a stick of gum
Unwraps it
Pops it in their mouth
Chews
The wrapper is made out of foil and
Four times the size of the object it was protecting
The kid steps to the edge of the platform
Holds the wrapper aloft
Looks around and
Throws it into the sea
The trash can on the platform
Sits empty.
Bottles and plastic bags and old newspapers
A kid on the platform
Thirteen, or fourteen
Takes out a stick of gum
Unwraps it
Pops it in their mouth
Chews
The wrapper is made out of foil and
Four times the size of the object it was protecting
The kid steps to the edge of the platform
Holds the wrapper aloft
Looks around and
Throws it into the sea
The trash can on the platform
Sits empty.
- Published on
There is a woman using a coffee straw like a toothpick. She looks like Julia Roberts, if Julia Roberts had stringy hair. She is wearing a baseball cap with an over-sized fur pom-pom on the top. Mouth wide open, she methodically works her way through her back teeth.
Going over the bridge, between Canal and Dekalb, she pauses from cleaning her teeth to make a call.
“They only have it mocha. No, no brown. It will take longer to get brown. I want the long table.” She elongates the long to laawng. "I'll call you back. I'm about to lose - "
She resumes picking at her teeth. There is something, remnants of turkey burger, stuck between the molars on the left. It kind of hurts. When she rubs over the spot with her tongue she can still taste the turkey. She jiggles the straw to get at the morsel. The straw pushes the tiny bit of turkey deeper into the gap between the teeth.
At Prospect Park her phone regains reception. Straw still in her mouth, she picks up the phone.
“Huh? What? Yeh, I’m in Brooklyn.”
At Church Ave she collects her bag.
"I'm coming up now. I'm telling you, the brown isn't available."
She dumps the toothpick straw as she steps off the train. The end is wet with tiny bits of turkey stuck to it. It rolls on the floor, coming to rest under the seat.
Going over the bridge, between Canal and Dekalb, she pauses from cleaning her teeth to make a call.
“They only have it mocha. No, no brown. It will take longer to get brown. I want the long table.” She elongates the long to laawng. "I'll call you back. I'm about to lose - "
She resumes picking at her teeth. There is something, remnants of turkey burger, stuck between the molars on the left. It kind of hurts. When she rubs over the spot with her tongue she can still taste the turkey. She jiggles the straw to get at the morsel. The straw pushes the tiny bit of turkey deeper into the gap between the teeth.
At Prospect Park her phone regains reception. Straw still in her mouth, she picks up the phone.
“Huh? What? Yeh, I’m in Brooklyn.”
At Church Ave she collects her bag.
"I'm coming up now. I'm telling you, the brown isn't available."
She dumps the toothpick straw as she steps off the train. The end is wet with tiny bits of turkey stuck to it. It rolls on the floor, coming to rest under the seat.