- Published on
by MusicNews
It is a truth
Universally acknowledged
That a woman
In possession of a ticket to Cannes
Must wear high heeled shoes
It is a truth
Universally acknowledged
That it was men
Who first wore heels
Symbols of position, power and prestige
It is a truth
Universally acknowledged
That today
Heels maketh the woman
She may have the vote
She may be able to drive
She may be able to choose her profession
But her feet must look good in the process
Dr Helen Fisher:
“Heels thrust out the buttocks
And arch the back
Into a natural mammalian courting,
Actually copulatory,
Pose.
Rats do it,
Sheep do it,
Lions do it,
Dogs do it
(Even educated fleas do it…)
It is a naturally sexy posture that
Men immediately see as
Sexual Readiness"
But be careful ladies!
Not too high
In the workplace!
One wants to be remembered
For one’s brains
Not as a slut!
But don’t be flat
You don’t want to appear
(Contrary to what you have previously been told about how a lady ought to act)
Demure
Cinderella’s step-sisters
Lopped off heels and toes
To squeeze into
Prince Charming’s proffered
Louboutin
But of course
The shoe could only fit one lady
And Cinder’s married the Prince and
Lived happily ever after
Presumably in heels
She never had to walk the streets again
Wearing heels frequently
Places excess pressure
On the knees, puts the
Hips and spine out of alignment
Can shorten the calf muscles
And at worst, can lead to
Ankle, knee, and spinal damage
It is a truth
Universally acknowledged
That a woman
In possession of a ticket to Cannes
Must wear high heeled shoes
It is the proper way to dress
Universally acknowledged
That a woman
In possession of a ticket to Cannes
Must wear high heeled shoes
It is a truth
Universally acknowledged
That it was men
Who first wore heels
Symbols of position, power and prestige
It is a truth
Universally acknowledged
That today
Heels maketh the woman
She may have the vote
She may be able to drive
She may be able to choose her profession
But her feet must look good in the process
Dr Helen Fisher:
“Heels thrust out the buttocks
And arch the back
Into a natural mammalian courting,
Actually copulatory,
Pose.
Rats do it,
Sheep do it,
Lions do it,
Dogs do it
(Even educated fleas do it…)
It is a naturally sexy posture that
Men immediately see as
Sexual Readiness"
But be careful ladies!
Not too high
In the workplace!
One wants to be remembered
For one’s brains
Not as a slut!
But don’t be flat
You don’t want to appear
(Contrary to what you have previously been told about how a lady ought to act)
Demure
Cinderella’s step-sisters
Lopped off heels and toes
To squeeze into
Prince Charming’s proffered
Louboutin
But of course
The shoe could only fit one lady
And Cinder’s married the Prince and
Lived happily ever after
Presumably in heels
She never had to walk the streets again
Wearing heels frequently
Places excess pressure
On the knees, puts the
Hips and spine out of alignment
Can shorten the calf muscles
And at worst, can lead to
Ankle, knee, and spinal damage
It is a truth
Universally acknowledged
That a woman
In possession of a ticket to Cannes
Must wear high heeled shoes
It is the proper way to dress
- Published on
The Brooklyn Half Marathon
When I was 8 or 9
We lived with our grandparents
Abuelo had a treadmill in his study
The machine was loud and clunky
With a clangy bell timer
One day I decided I want to use it
I stepped on, set the timer for 15 minutes
And ran
Much to my own amazement
Without stopping
I was able to run the full 15 minutes
Running was something
I could just do
I remember running the
School cross country
Four laps of the school’s perimeter
Starting and finishing on the school oval
When I was 12
I came 2nd and went to the
District competition
The track was through the
Bush at the St Ives Showground
The week before I’d had a serious flu
On race day I felt good
I remember the final moments of the race
I had a huge surge of energy
Sprinted for the finish line
Another girl and I were neck-a-neck
She pulled ahead at the last moment
Taking the final regional position
I think I felt proud I’d run a good race
If only I hadn’t been sick the week before!
The following year
My first of year of high school
I made it to district again
We walked the track in preparation
I felt self-conscious around the
Taller, more lithe looking girls
They were Runners
I was… not?
I ran throughout high school
Never quite re-attaining my 12 year-old-self’s glory
At some grown-ups insistence
I did Little Athletics for a bit
“In case I changed my mind about running and wanted to try something else”
(Why couldn’t I just run?)
I enjoyed it
But still felt self-conscious around the other girls
I wasn’t quite right
Too slow
Too small
Not enough
I ran less at uni
Pre-occupied with
Classes and socializing
During a bout of depression
I finally went running again
While on a downhill slope
A total stranger told me to
Stop trying so hard
(Whoever you were, lady, fuck off).
A horrible break-up
Got me running again
I decided to run
The City the Surf
It was glorious
The following year I ran
The New Milford 8
It had none of the atmosphere of Sydney
The course was an utter bitch
Drama school took over
I started again on my birthday
When I was in Fort Collins
(At altitude)
With a brand new pair of trainers
And an app on my phone
Back in London
I ran in Gladstone Park
I ran in Ruislip and fell in love with
Running to the lido
In the south of London I
Ran after work a few times a week
Avoided the cold by walking the
Miles of underground tunnels
Connecting the tube stations
I ran in Fort Collins
Built up to 10km 2-3 times a week
Looped around the lake
The cemetery
The circumference of the park
Listening to audio books
I ran in rain and snow and
Under gorgeous bright blue skies
The polar vortex hit
I tried using the treadmill at
Local indoor pool
I hated it
A month later
I started again
Even short runs were painful
I started running with a new friend
Night runs
Trail runs
Runs where we dreamed about mini houses
I was winded easily
And tired
She would do handstands and encourage me to keep going
Had the polar vortex frozen my fitness?
Six weeks later
I was diagnosed with leukemia
The infections on my legs
Combined with
Debilitating chemo
Meant I had to walk with a walking frame
Hand-foot syndrome
(a reaction to chemo)
Made it painful to even walk to the toilet
The past few weeks
On my to hospital appointments
I've seen people
Running
Along the East River
Counting breaths
Timing paces
Wearing stretchy pants and
Lightweight jackets
I want to be one of them again
Those people who get up early and
Fit in a run before work
That delicious post-run feeling
When you’re full of endorphins
The runner’s high
This morning I watched the
Brooklyn Half Marathon
The course went right by our street
There weren’t too many spectators
It felt safe to be out
The sight of people running
The sound of feet along the pavement
Spectators with cowbells cheer the runners on
You can do this!
You got this!
Let’s go!
Some of the runners cheer back
Yeah!
Thank you for being here!
Celebratory “WOO!!”s
Triumphant high 5s as they pass
The humanity of a running race
I want to run again
Imagine being that person
Who can run 15 minutes without stopping
Imagine that it’s something
You can just do.
We lived with our grandparents
Abuelo had a treadmill in his study
The machine was loud and clunky
With a clangy bell timer
One day I decided I want to use it
I stepped on, set the timer for 15 minutes
And ran
Much to my own amazement
Without stopping
I was able to run the full 15 minutes
Running was something
I could just do
I remember running the
School cross country
Four laps of the school’s perimeter
Starting and finishing on the school oval
When I was 12
I came 2nd and went to the
District competition
The track was through the
Bush at the St Ives Showground
The week before I’d had a serious flu
On race day I felt good
I remember the final moments of the race
I had a huge surge of energy
Sprinted for the finish line
Another girl and I were neck-a-neck
She pulled ahead at the last moment
Taking the final regional position
I think I felt proud I’d run a good race
If only I hadn’t been sick the week before!
The following year
My first of year of high school
I made it to district again
We walked the track in preparation
I felt self-conscious around the
Taller, more lithe looking girls
They were Runners
I was… not?
I ran throughout high school
Never quite re-attaining my 12 year-old-self’s glory
At some grown-ups insistence
I did Little Athletics for a bit
“In case I changed my mind about running and wanted to try something else”
(Why couldn’t I just run?)
I enjoyed it
But still felt self-conscious around the other girls
I wasn’t quite right
Too slow
Too small
Not enough
I ran less at uni
Pre-occupied with
Classes and socializing
During a bout of depression
I finally went running again
While on a downhill slope
A total stranger told me to
Stop trying so hard
(Whoever you were, lady, fuck off).
A horrible break-up
Got me running again
I decided to run
The City the Surf
It was glorious
The following year I ran
The New Milford 8
It had none of the atmosphere of Sydney
The course was an utter bitch
Drama school took over
I started again on my birthday
When I was in Fort Collins
(At altitude)
With a brand new pair of trainers
And an app on my phone
Back in London
I ran in Gladstone Park
I ran in Ruislip and fell in love with
Running to the lido
In the south of London I
Ran after work a few times a week
Avoided the cold by walking the
Miles of underground tunnels
Connecting the tube stations
I ran in Fort Collins
Built up to 10km 2-3 times a week
Looped around the lake
The cemetery
The circumference of the park
Listening to audio books
I ran in rain and snow and
Under gorgeous bright blue skies
The polar vortex hit
I tried using the treadmill at
Local indoor pool
I hated it
A month later
I started again
Even short runs were painful
I started running with a new friend
Night runs
Trail runs
Runs where we dreamed about mini houses
I was winded easily
And tired
She would do handstands and encourage me to keep going
Had the polar vortex frozen my fitness?
Six weeks later
I was diagnosed with leukemia
The infections on my legs
Combined with
Debilitating chemo
Meant I had to walk with a walking frame
Hand-foot syndrome
(a reaction to chemo)
Made it painful to even walk to the toilet
The past few weeks
On my to hospital appointments
I've seen people
Running
Along the East River
Counting breaths
Timing paces
Wearing stretchy pants and
Lightweight jackets
I want to be one of them again
Those people who get up early and
Fit in a run before work
That delicious post-run feeling
When you’re full of endorphins
The runner’s high
This morning I watched the
Brooklyn Half Marathon
The course went right by our street
There weren’t too many spectators
It felt safe to be out
The sight of people running
The sound of feet along the pavement
Spectators with cowbells cheer the runners on
You can do this!
You got this!
Let’s go!
Some of the runners cheer back
Yeah!
Thank you for being here!
Celebratory “WOO!!”s
Triumphant high 5s as they pass
The humanity of a running race
I want to run again
Imagine being that person
Who can run 15 minutes without stopping
Imagine that it’s something
You can just do.
- Published on
This week has included:
This week has included:
- Migraines
- Mood swings
- Rapid weight gain
- Severe reflux (it burns. IT BURNS)
- Demobilizing fatigue
- Discovery that my thyroid has (temporarily, we hope) stopped working. Accounts for all above symptoms. Will start to feel benefits of hormone replacement in approximately a month.
- Realizing my long and luscious eyelashes have fallen out, leaving tiny little stumpy lashes
- Yelling at the health insurance until they get their shit sorted out
This week has included:
- Ability to walk again
- A lovely mission. Friends participated unprompted, and sent me their own lovelies.
- Messages from unexpected people
- Visits from wonderful friends
- Blossoms
- Magnolias
- Piano lessons
- Online poetry course
- Online song writing course
- My husband surprising me with an ice cream maker
- RAINBOW LIGHT UP SHOES
- Several potential paid work-from-home gigs
- An apology from the health insurance and actual movement on their end
- More energy
- Published on
I've recently discovered the wonderful world of MOOCs (massive open online courses), free university-level courses taught via online modules, in just about any topic you can name. Ironically, I came across MOOCs through an article heralding their demise.
I'm currently taking a poetry course, How Writers Write Poetry, through the University of Iowa. It's fascinating, and fun. Here's a little something I cooked up this week.
The Battle
In a quiet nook
Paper leaves
Turned by trembling
Fingertips
Rustle softly
A battle of wills
Shakespeare
Wordsworth
Owen
Begins
Draw your swords
Draw swords
Raw words
War drown
Word down
The pen is mightier
Black blue
Blood red
Ink spills
Across the
Landscape
Pages
The cannon of literature
Explodes
Bangs, booms, crashes
Through time
Until all that is left
Are question
Marks
The poet
Wanders
Lost in thought
Trips and stumbles
On sounds and syllables
Receives a paper cut
The mind field
Laid to rest.
I'm currently taking a poetry course, How Writers Write Poetry, through the University of Iowa. It's fascinating, and fun. Here's a little something I cooked up this week.
The Battle
In a quiet nook
Paper leaves
Turned by trembling
Fingertips
Rustle softly
A battle of wills
Shakespeare
Wordsworth
Owen
Begins
Draw your swords
Draw swords
Raw words
War drown
Word down
The pen is mightier
Black blue
Blood red
Ink spills
Across the
Landscape
Pages
The cannon of literature
Explodes
Bangs, booms, crashes
Through time
Until all that is left
Are question
Marks
The poet
Wanders
Lost in thought
Trips and stumbles
On sounds and syllables
Receives a paper cut
The mind field
Laid to rest.
- Published on
Today has been a Very. Hard. Day.
Personally speaking, and in the world. My thyroid doesn't work any more. The radiation zapped it into oblivion. It explains the mood swings and fatigue. I stopped one drug, only to discover I have to start two more. Accessing mental health care is like searching for a needle in a haystack. The people who are supposed to help you are trapped in a system seemingly designed to make you insane.
The grief being felt in my home country. The destruction in Nepal. The fear and anger in Baltimore.
Sometimes, it all feels too much. So I went for a walk. My mission was to find the lovely. More than ever, I need lovely. I need to feel, that at least on some level, it's all going to be ok. Despite the destruction of my body. Despite the destruction in the world.
On my walk, I found spring. Pink and white blossoms. Magnolias. Tulips all colors of the rainbow because someone had cared to plant them. A sweet chalk drawing on the pavement. Children playing. People out running. Colorful rows of houses. Washing on a line, evidence of someone had made use of the sunny day to dry their clothes.
Tiny pockets. But enough.
Personally speaking, and in the world. My thyroid doesn't work any more. The radiation zapped it into oblivion. It explains the mood swings and fatigue. I stopped one drug, only to discover I have to start two more. Accessing mental health care is like searching for a needle in a haystack. The people who are supposed to help you are trapped in a system seemingly designed to make you insane.
The grief being felt in my home country. The destruction in Nepal. The fear and anger in Baltimore.
Sometimes, it all feels too much. So I went for a walk. My mission was to find the lovely. More than ever, I need lovely. I need to feel, that at least on some level, it's all going to be ok. Despite the destruction of my body. Despite the destruction in the world.
On my walk, I found spring. Pink and white blossoms. Magnolias. Tulips all colors of the rainbow because someone had cared to plant them. A sweet chalk drawing on the pavement. Children playing. People out running. Colorful rows of houses. Washing on a line, evidence of someone had made use of the sunny day to dry their clothes.
Tiny pockets. But enough.
- Published on
At the park with the wonderful Molly
The sky was blue
It was almost warm enough to not be wearing a coat
I had enough energy
To walk to the park
(And back!)
And in the park
We sat by the lake
There were ducks and geese and swans
And people out running
Cycling, horse-riding
And enjoying the sun
More people than I have seen in months
They weren't having blood drawn
Or labs recorded
Or cancers checked
And it felt
So. Damn. Good.
It was almost warm enough to not be wearing a coat
I had enough energy
To walk to the park
(And back!)
And in the park
We sat by the lake
There were ducks and geese and swans
And people out running
Cycling, horse-riding
And enjoying the sun
More people than I have seen in months
They weren't having blood drawn
Or labs recorded
Or cancers checked
And it felt
So. Damn. Good.
- Published on
There has never been a time when I haven’t seen The Sound of Music. I watched it on repeat throughout my childhood, transfixed by the beautiful music, the seven children (yes, but seven!), the gorgeous scenery, and, of course, my surrogate childhood nanny, Julie Andrews. I’ve been to Sing-a-long Sound of Music and cheered Maria, booed the Nazis, waved my edelweiss, and roared with laughter at the hilariously inappropriate, “Maria, what is it you can’t face?”. I have watched every Oprah “Where Are They Now?” special, gobbled up all the trivia tidbits, and listened to the audio commentary. With delight, I have sat with a new generation watching Maria twirl on the mountain and become entranced as they too learn their do, rei, mi’s.
Lawrence Downes recently suggested that The Sound of Music is due for a remake, arguing that the successful recent revivals of Oklahoma and South Pacific demonstrate how old shows can be made new again. The Sound of Music doesn’t need to be revived or made new. The original 1965 film still resonates with audiences today, as evidenced by the on-going popularity of Sing-a-long Sound of Music events around the world, the hype around the 50th anniversary, and the horrified reaction to The Sound of Music Live on NBC.
Yes, clearly Sound of Music is one of my favorite things. And my belief is this: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. If Maria taught me anything, it’s that if God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. Instead of remaking what doesn’t need to be remade, I’d like to offer a few things producers can do with all the moolah for such a project.
Things to Do Instead of Remaking The Sound of Music
So dear powers that be, producers, directors, writers, and guardians of the Rogers and Hammerstein estate, please, please, do not remake The Sound of Music. Consider doing something good instead.
Lawrence Downes recently suggested that The Sound of Music is due for a remake, arguing that the successful recent revivals of Oklahoma and South Pacific demonstrate how old shows can be made new again. The Sound of Music doesn’t need to be revived or made new. The original 1965 film still resonates with audiences today, as evidenced by the on-going popularity of Sing-a-long Sound of Music events around the world, the hype around the 50th anniversary, and the horrified reaction to The Sound of Music Live on NBC.
Yes, clearly Sound of Music is one of my favorite things. And my belief is this: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. If Maria taught me anything, it’s that if God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. Instead of remaking what doesn’t need to be remade, I’d like to offer a few things producers can do with all the moolah for such a project.
Things to Do Instead of Remaking The Sound of Music
- Film Broadway musicals for distribution at cinemas or online. Recently an eager fan was slammed by Lin-Manuel Miranda, Tony Award winning composer and star of In the Heights, for illegally seeking a pirated copy of his newest production Hamilton. I’m so enthralled by filmed live musicals, I wrote my Masters Thesis on them. There is a solid market for filmed live musicals. High quality recordings are valuable not just for entertainment, but for education, and archival preservation. The Met Opera, Shakespeare's Globe Theatre, and Digital Theatre are just three models proving the success of live theatre on screen.
- Invest in recording regional productions. Broadway may be the capital of live theatre in the USA, but there is plenty of wonderful work being produced beyond the Great White Way. Same deal for entertainment, education, archival preservation applies.
- Invest in school arts programs. Many schools are facing drastic budget cuts and the first subjects and extra curricular programs to go are from the arts. There is a mountain of evidence (also here) that shows that participating in art, drama, and music programs develops many skills. Students learn problem solving, interpersonal skills, self-expression, and develop a sense of place and belonging.
- Provide scholarships for students to attend music and theatre camps. Every summer many camps in and around New York provide stimulating and enriching music and theatre programs. Programs such as Buck's Rock Performing and Creative Arts Camp (full disclosure, I’ve been working at Buck’s Rock since 2008), A Broader Way and French Woods all provide quality access to music, theatre, and the creative arts.
- Fund performing arts travel scholarships. Scholarships to help school groups travel to see professional theatre. Bring school groups from overseas to America. Take groups abroad. Cross-cultural understanding and friendships make the world a better place, and maybe even prevent conflicts.
- Fund music programs for refugees. Music has a powerful capacity for healing, helping with stress relief, and providing hope. The true life story of The Sound of Music is about a family of talented musicians who fled war in Europe, came to the USA for a better life, and opened a music camp in Vermont. What better way to honor the Von Trapp legacy than by helping people who have fled war?
So dear powers that be, producers, directors, writers, and guardians of the Rogers and Hammerstein estate, please, please, do not remake The Sound of Music. Consider doing something good instead.
- Published on
I’m feeling utterly despondent
Feeling like this will never end
I’m tired
So lethargic all I can do is lie on the couch
My heart races
Even when all I’ve done is sat up
My mood dips lower and lower and I don’t want to be around anyone
Do anything
I’m sick of the check-ups
I’m sick of needles and blood work
I’m sick of the cocktail of pills
And the hormone replacement patch
I’m sick of being sick
I’m sick of getting better
I just want to be well.
My hair fell out
My nails fell off
The skin on my legs is scarred and ugly
Now my thyroid is done
Radiated into uselessness by the treatment
Affecting my energy
My mood
Time to start a thyroid hormone replacement
To replace what was taken away by the cancer
Something completely out of my control
Random chance
Sometimes I feel like
Leukemia has taken everything away
My ability to travel
My ability to work
My ability to function
Sometimes even my will to live
Why didn’t I deny treatment in those early days?
Let the leukemia wreak its havoc
A few days of pain and drifting off into
Morphine euphoria
Is surely better than this?
They say a vegetarian diet reduces your risk of cancer
Eating organic foods reduces your risk of cancer
Using mineral based make-up reduces your risk of cancer
Exercising regularly reduces your risk of cancer
Meditating reduces your risk of cancer
Reciting affirmations and dealing with grief
And healing your pain body
Reduces your risk of cancer
I did all these things
For almost a decade
Before I got cancer
Was I given a drug
As a premmie baby
That changed my cells
So that thirty years later
Something would trigger them
To start attacking me?
Was it the fact that we lived on a highway
And my bedroom window faced the road
And every morning at 6am
I’d be up running along that highway
Training for the school cross country
Breathing in the car fumes
And running
Straight to a leukemia diagnosis
Fifteen years later?
Was it the year of intense stress
The year before diagnosis?
Waiting for that goddamn visa
Living in limbo
Neither here, nor there
My life on hold
Waiting for a piece of paper?
Why the hell did this happen?
What is the universe trying to teach me?
Patience? Humility? Life sucks so get used to?
How does a healthy 29 year old
Who exercises regularly
Eats a mostly organic vegetarian diet
Hasn’t needed a doctor in almost five years
Get effing cancer?
Why is my own blood rebelling against me?
Medicine has repeatedly told me
It was genetic roulette
And sheer bad luck
The cells mutated
It wasn’t my fault
There is nothing I could have done
Should have done
Differently.
And now I’m healing
My sister’s bone marrow
Overtaking my own
My immune system learning to cope again
Can’t be in crowded spaces
Can’t ride the subway
Can’t eat take out
Definitely can’t go to Broadway
And I want to know what I can do
To make it better
Speed the process along
Give me hope that I have some control over what is happening in my life
There must be something I can do?
Eat better?
Eat tomatoes. They attack cancer cells.
Don’t eat canned tomatoes. They have BPA and they’ll give you cancer.
Eat berries. They fight cancer cells.
Don’t eat berries. They can’t be washed well and pose a risk to your immune system.
Eat mushrooms. They conquer cancer.
Don’t eat mushrooms. They are linked to candida which may be linked to cancer.
The doctor says it’s just time
Diet won’t help.
For years
I’ve been an advocate of organic
And fresh and local and
I don’t know who to believe any more
There are so many different types of cancer
So many carcinogens
So many possible causes
We really just don’t know
I try to remind myself
It’s not permanent
I will get better
My chances are good
Try not to be afraid of
Relapse or
Secondary cancer, a result of the treatment
I try not to get upset at the people with cancer
Who make it seem like such a blessing
And a blast
Look at the wigs I get to wear! Look how my life has changed for the better since I got cancer! Look at how I’m inspirationally dealing with LIFE!
I have never been one to live in fear
But now I am demoralized
And feeling stuck
And tired
And utterly miserable
And my own goddamn blog
Breathe just breathe
Becomes an ironic call to myself
It’s all you can do
Just keep breathing
Even when it hurts
Even when your heart is pounding
Even when the darkness overtakes you
And your brain tells you
It’s never going to get better
Fuck you cancer
You are not welcome here.
** I just want to reassure you that I am receiving excellent care. I have an amazing team of doctors, nurse practitioners, and specialists, who are working with me to ensure I have the best care and outcomes. The support shown by friends and family has been astonishing, and I couldn’t get through this without you. Sometimes, I just need to vent the pain, anger, frustration and depression. I’m getting additional help so I can cope. Thanks for reading. x
Feeling like this will never end
I’m tired
So lethargic all I can do is lie on the couch
My heart races
Even when all I’ve done is sat up
My mood dips lower and lower and I don’t want to be around anyone
Do anything
I’m sick of the check-ups
I’m sick of needles and blood work
I’m sick of the cocktail of pills
And the hormone replacement patch
I’m sick of being sick
I’m sick of getting better
I just want to be well.
My hair fell out
My nails fell off
The skin on my legs is scarred and ugly
Now my thyroid is done
Radiated into uselessness by the treatment
Affecting my energy
My mood
Time to start a thyroid hormone replacement
To replace what was taken away by the cancer
Something completely out of my control
Random chance
Sometimes I feel like
Leukemia has taken everything away
My ability to travel
My ability to work
My ability to function
Sometimes even my will to live
Why didn’t I deny treatment in those early days?
Let the leukemia wreak its havoc
A few days of pain and drifting off into
Morphine euphoria
Is surely better than this?
They say a vegetarian diet reduces your risk of cancer
Eating organic foods reduces your risk of cancer
Using mineral based make-up reduces your risk of cancer
Exercising regularly reduces your risk of cancer
Meditating reduces your risk of cancer
Reciting affirmations and dealing with grief
And healing your pain body
Reduces your risk of cancer
I did all these things
For almost a decade
Before I got cancer
Was I given a drug
As a premmie baby
That changed my cells
So that thirty years later
Something would trigger them
To start attacking me?
Was it the fact that we lived on a highway
And my bedroom window faced the road
And every morning at 6am
I’d be up running along that highway
Training for the school cross country
Breathing in the car fumes
And running
Straight to a leukemia diagnosis
Fifteen years later?
Was it the year of intense stress
The year before diagnosis?
Waiting for that goddamn visa
Living in limbo
Neither here, nor there
My life on hold
Waiting for a piece of paper?
Why the hell did this happen?
What is the universe trying to teach me?
Patience? Humility? Life sucks so get used to?
How does a healthy 29 year old
Who exercises regularly
Eats a mostly organic vegetarian diet
Hasn’t needed a doctor in almost five years
Get effing cancer?
Why is my own blood rebelling against me?
Medicine has repeatedly told me
It was genetic roulette
And sheer bad luck
The cells mutated
It wasn’t my fault
There is nothing I could have done
Should have done
Differently.
And now I’m healing
My sister’s bone marrow
Overtaking my own
My immune system learning to cope again
Can’t be in crowded spaces
Can’t ride the subway
Can’t eat take out
Definitely can’t go to Broadway
And I want to know what I can do
To make it better
Speed the process along
Give me hope that I have some control over what is happening in my life
There must be something I can do?
Eat better?
Eat tomatoes. They attack cancer cells.
Don’t eat canned tomatoes. They have BPA and they’ll give you cancer.
Eat berries. They fight cancer cells.
Don’t eat berries. They can’t be washed well and pose a risk to your immune system.
Eat mushrooms. They conquer cancer.
Don’t eat mushrooms. They are linked to candida which may be linked to cancer.
The doctor says it’s just time
Diet won’t help.
For years
I’ve been an advocate of organic
And fresh and local and
I don’t know who to believe any more
There are so many different types of cancer
So many carcinogens
So many possible causes
We really just don’t know
I try to remind myself
It’s not permanent
I will get better
My chances are good
Try not to be afraid of
Relapse or
Secondary cancer, a result of the treatment
I try not to get upset at the people with cancer
Who make it seem like such a blessing
And a blast
Look at the wigs I get to wear! Look how my life has changed for the better since I got cancer! Look at how I’m inspirationally dealing with LIFE!
I have never been one to live in fear
But now I am demoralized
And feeling stuck
And tired
And utterly miserable
And my own goddamn blog
Breathe just breathe
Becomes an ironic call to myself
It’s all you can do
Just keep breathing
Even when it hurts
Even when your heart is pounding
Even when the darkness overtakes you
And your brain tells you
It’s never going to get better
Fuck you cancer
You are not welcome here.
** I just want to reassure you that I am receiving excellent care. I have an amazing team of doctors, nurse practitioners, and specialists, who are working with me to ensure I have the best care and outcomes. The support shown by friends and family has been astonishing, and I couldn’t get through this without you. Sometimes, I just need to vent the pain, anger, frustration and depression. I’m getting additional help so I can cope. Thanks for reading. x
- Published on
For over half your life
The Dream has been
To live in
New York City
Centre of the universe
Land of the Broadway musical
The most sung about
Danced in locale
On the face of the earth
Your childhood
Disney musical diet
Led you to believe that
You meet the prince
You fall in love, and,
Your dreams come true
But what if
Cinderella
Escapes her broom
Marries the prince
Moves into the castle, and
Gets cancer?
Because you have
Escaped your hometown
Fallen in love
Married your sweet prince
Moved to New York
And gotten cancer
And it changes everything.
You're finally living in the city of your dreams
Broadway is a subway ride away
But you can't ride the subway
Because your immune system is compromised
Because it was wiped out and replaced with stem cells from your sister
After you had three rounds of chemo
After you stood in a contraption,
Your arms tied in straps
Your waist cinched in a harness
Lest you collapse,
Fifty shades this ain't
Fifty shades of cancer treatment
Full body irradiation
That you can't feel, see, smell, or taste
But make you throw up your insides
And leave you feeling utterly, utterly drained and helpless
All that, after you were told
You. Have. Cancer.
Tell five years ago Me,
A year ago even,
Your dreams come true.
You live in New York
You marry a prince
(Truly, he's the most wonderful gentleman)
But you'll have to wait to
Really Enjoy It
No subways, no takeout,
No coffees in cafes in
Uptown, or downtown
Or even Brooklyn
No being in crowds
And definitely no Broadway.
We thought that
100 days post-transplant
I would have more freedom
So we waited out
Three months and a bit
A bone marrow biopsy
And two weeks more
To be told
My immune system is still weak
Crowds are dangerous
The subway is a seething cesspit of germs
All food needs to be cooked at home
Broadway will have to wait
A little longer
Life happens, as it does
And always will
Dreams do come true
Just in unexpected ways
With unexpected turns
You readjust and
Nurture the dream
Watch it on the shelf
And promise you'll take it down soon.
The Dream has been
To live in
New York City
Centre of the universe
Land of the Broadway musical
The most sung about
Danced in locale
On the face of the earth
Your childhood
Disney musical diet
Led you to believe that
You meet the prince
You fall in love, and,
Your dreams come true
But what if
Cinderella
Escapes her broom
Marries the prince
Moves into the castle, and
Gets cancer?
Because you have
Escaped your hometown
Fallen in love
Married your sweet prince
Moved to New York
And gotten cancer
And it changes everything.
You're finally living in the city of your dreams
Broadway is a subway ride away
But you can't ride the subway
Because your immune system is compromised
Because it was wiped out and replaced with stem cells from your sister
After you had three rounds of chemo
After you stood in a contraption,
Your arms tied in straps
Your waist cinched in a harness
Lest you collapse,
Fifty shades this ain't
Fifty shades of cancer treatment
Full body irradiation
That you can't feel, see, smell, or taste
But make you throw up your insides
And leave you feeling utterly, utterly drained and helpless
All that, after you were told
You. Have. Cancer.
Tell five years ago Me,
A year ago even,
Your dreams come true.
You live in New York
You marry a prince
(Truly, he's the most wonderful gentleman)
But you'll have to wait to
Really Enjoy It
No subways, no takeout,
No coffees in cafes in
Uptown, or downtown
Or even Brooklyn
No being in crowds
And definitely no Broadway.
We thought that
100 days post-transplant
I would have more freedom
So we waited out
Three months and a bit
A bone marrow biopsy
And two weeks more
To be told
My immune system is still weak
Crowds are dangerous
The subway is a seething cesspit of germs
All food needs to be cooked at home
Broadway will have to wait
A little longer
Life happens, as it does
And always will
Dreams do come true
Just in unexpected ways
With unexpected turns
You readjust and
Nurture the dream
Watch it on the shelf
And promise you'll take it down soon.
- Published on
Watching the movie musical
Of the musical
That has been in my life
Longer than five years
Memories of my interactions with the show
Flood back
Early uni days
In Sydney
When cast albums became accessible
And the internet made
Broadway
Not so far away
And I “discovered”
Jason Robert Brown and
The Last Five Years
Working on the student production
Lighting op with Len
Who became one of my dearest friends
The musty smell of Fig Tree Theatre
Watching the production at Sydney Uni
Directed by Benita, now at Columbia
Starring Blake, now in Blood Brothers
And Lexi, now an opera singer in Berlin
An early date with the boy
Who I thought would be husband
We were engaged in September 2009
And by February 2010
Five years ago
It was all over.
And then it all began.
I quit my day job
I started meditating
I saw JRB in concert
I auditioned for drama school
I moved to London
I fell in love
I walked across Spain
I moved to Colorado
I got married
We moved to New York
I got fucking cancer
I sat in my lounge room and watched
The Last Five Years movie musical
On demand. Because you can do that now.
Seeing New York flit across the screen
Your new home town
Soon you’ll join the line of girls
Belting as high as they can
And you’ve been through that break-up
You’ve felt that euphoria
Goodbye until tomorrow
And you just have to be patient
For the next ten minutes
And that score
The way it catches in your throat
Breaks your heart
And brings back all these memories of
The last five years.
Of the musical
That has been in my life
Longer than five years
Memories of my interactions with the show
Flood back
Early uni days
In Sydney
When cast albums became accessible
And the internet made
Broadway
Not so far away
And I “discovered”
Jason Robert Brown and
The Last Five Years
Working on the student production
Lighting op with Len
Who became one of my dearest friends
The musty smell of Fig Tree Theatre
Watching the production at Sydney Uni
Directed by Benita, now at Columbia
Starring Blake, now in Blood Brothers
And Lexi, now an opera singer in Berlin
An early date with the boy
Who I thought would be husband
We were engaged in September 2009
And by February 2010
Five years ago
It was all over.
And then it all began.
I quit my day job
I started meditating
I saw JRB in concert
I auditioned for drama school
I moved to London
I fell in love
I walked across Spain
I moved to Colorado
I got married
We moved to New York
I got fucking cancer
I sat in my lounge room and watched
The Last Five Years movie musical
On demand. Because you can do that now.
Seeing New York flit across the screen
Your new home town
Soon you’ll join the line of girls
Belting as high as they can
And you’ve been through that break-up
You’ve felt that euphoria
Goodbye until tomorrow
And you just have to be patient
For the next ten minutes
And that score
The way it catches in your throat
Breaks your heart
And brings back all these memories of
The last five years.